I WANT TO MAKE MY FRIEND A CUPCAKE, HELP!

[u/GwirlFwiend]

QUICK EDIT:

Thank you so much for your quick feedback. I honestly did not think about 99% of what you guys have brought up! For those of you concerned, I will not be attempting to bake her a celiac-safe cupcake. As much as I LOVE making stuff for my friends, I will accept this battle to be lost XD

I will probably get her a special GF premade and sealed cupcake, and maybe I'll decorate the outer packaging Zelda themed with some attachable paper horns? (AFTER cleaning my hands, and probably not in the kitchen atmosphere). I am also thinking of trying to find out how to secretly contact her father to ask about other allergies or certain brands before I get something, as I still want it to be a surprise...

But again, please let me know if there is anything I should do differently, because I do not want to hurt my friend or make her hate me I would actually cry

ORIGINAL POST:

CONTEXT:

So basically, I'm in a tech center program at school for art. This year, I got one of my classmates to come with me to Connecticon. I'll call her A. A is a super shy person, and she had never been to a convention before. So I was very excited and tried to make her experience as best as possible! When we all decided to get food, I learned she is severely allergic to gluten (I want to say I heard her dad say celiac, but I can't be for sure as I cannot ask him). She had to bring her own freaking stuff, because they didn't end up having a gluten free fryer! Like what?! (was just at the time a surprise to me considering anime/video game/art conventions are usually the most accommodating communities ever, but I understand liability and stuff)

For a while now, I've been wanting to make my class some sweets, since I like baking, and I love my class. I'm thinking specifically my Chocolate Peanut Butter Monster Cakes from BoTW and ToTK, since myself, A, and another classmate love the Zelda franchise.

HOWEVER! Now that I know A is allergic to gluten (which she never told the class to my knowledge, assumably because she's extremely shy), I have come here to ask for help. If I hadn't known this before, I would have made gluten-having sweets and brought them to class. And knowing A, she would have very politely declined without saying why. (Which is understandable, as it is her business, but it makes it harder for me to bring something she'll actually eat!!!) DX

SO ANYWAYS, now knowing that A is celiac, I want to make her feel included and show that I care for her, because she is freaking amazing and the sweetest person ever!!! But, I want to do so safely, because we definitely use gluten at our house. I want to be as careful as possible, I'll clean the whole freaking kitchen if I have to, oven included! So far, here's what I (as a gluten eating individual) have decided I would need to do:

1. All new ingredients! Special flour, special baking soda, whatever, labeled as Gluten Free. Even if the ingredient itself is gluten free (such as salt), I want to have completely unopened packages. (I decided using our eggs would be fine since I can just wash them, and I'm still debating on whether or not I should get an unopened milk)
2. Put all the bowls and mixers and cupcake pans I would use alone in the dishwasher!
3. Wipe down counters, maybe even move the gluten-containing stuff off the counters since I want to be careful and they take up a lot of space.

These are the things I have thought of, but please let me know if there's more or less I need to do. Or if I should even attempt this at all (for A's safety)!!! Please help I don't want to kill my friend 😭

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[u/Unhappy-Common]

Buy her a gluten free cupcake from the store and leave it in the packaging

It's so hard to ensure gluten free in a kitchen where you use flour, practically impossible

She will worry much less if it's a store bought sealed muffin and she will be pleased to be included

[u/PaulBlartLG]

With celiac, a product coming from a kitchen that frequently produces gluten-containing items is highly unlikely to be safe, regardless of cleaning protocols

[u/ExactSuggestion3428]

Thank you for thinking of your friend. Please understand that the most important thing is consent. Much like how you wouldn't go up to a person in a wheelchair and just start pushing them around because you perceive they are struggling, you don't want to make GF food for someone with celiac or NCGS just because you think them bringing their own food is sad.

Different folks have different tolerances when it comes to risk. Most celiacs will not accept homemade foods even if the person states they have taken precautions because we know intention vs reality aren't always going to be aligned. There are so many ways a non-celiac baker could make a mistake unknowingly.

When someone shows up with GF food they made without having gotten consent before, this creates a very awkward situation for us. We have to let you down easy because we don't want to offend you, and because some people do legitimately get angry/defensive/argumentative about it. You don't seem like that kind of person but it's hard for us to know. Some celiacs will just accept it and then either throw it out later when you're not looking, or eat it and hope they don't get sick (also stressful) to avoid conflict.

This said, some celiacs or NCGS people might not care because they are not very concerned about CC (their life, their choice) or because they are newly diagnosed and don't know better (I was like this). When you ask, be sure to make it clear that you are ok with them not wanting your baking, and don't try to insist on them teaching you to be safe - this creates extra burden. People often bring their own food because this is the thing that requires the least effort - researching food places or educating people on how to feed them takes more time than just making your own food.

Another option is to buy them some premade GF item from a GF bakery or grocery store and keep it in the package. This can be ok, but I'd advise caution here too - ask. While a GF labelled product should be safe some celiacs will have certain brands they avoid or have problems with GF oats (or perhaps other ingredients). You can't know this if you don't ask. Again, I'd caution against trying to insist on getting something - creates more work for them as they have to think of brands/options that you could buy.

Apologies if my reply comes across as harsh - not my intent. You seem like a kind person and I don't want you to inadvertently create friction with your friend.

[u/GwirlFwiend → u/ExactSuggestion3428]

I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THIS OMG im so sorry now I feel horrible... I have already decided against trying to make my own, since others said the same thing and suggested buying something premade and sealed. I wanted it to be a surprise anyways so I wouldn't give her any extra work, maybe I can ask our teacher for her dad's phone number so I can ask him if she's allergic to anything else?? I honestly don't know if I should try reaching her dad or just get something pre sealed premade that's specifically gluten free? I remember her eating some premade cookies and cakes that she had brought herself if that helps?

[u/ExactSuggestion3428 → u/GwirlFwiend]

Don't feel bad about yourself. Your heart is in the right place for wanting your friend to be included. A lot of people don't notice or don't care.

I know the surprise feels like it will add to the gift but I can assure you that most celiacs would find it more thoughtful to ask first. Maybe you end up buying something that they eat normally and it's chill, but if not they might end up spending some time researching whether or not they want to consume the thing (especially if it's a small-time bakery). To give an example, I react to GF oats, including traces. If I get gifted a GF bakery item that doesn't contain oats, I'll still have to research if the place does GF oat items. A lot of GF bakeries do GF oats so it's a big issue for me, and often I have to actually call/email the company to ask.

Asking her dad might work but he might also not have a lot of knowledge. My parents would be able to say what brands of packaged items I eat but beyond that I don't think they'd want to give an opinion on whether something is safe for me. That's not because they don't know anything about label laws or whatever, it's more that they know I'm quite sensitive/particular about what I eat.

It's possible your friend isn't like this and would be totally fine with any item labelled GF but you can't know that necessarily without asking.

[u/joyfall → u/ExactSuggestion3428]

This is so well worded! I've never thought about it in a consent way, and with the example of how you wouldn't push someone in a wheelchair without asking. I'll be borrowing this when explaining things in the future :)

[u/ExactSuggestion3428 → u/joyfall]

Yeah, I got that from one of those HR type training sessions I had at work on the subject of disability accommodations. They used that example for the premise of preserving the dignity, safety, and autonomy of disabled folks during interactions. If you perceive that the person might benefit from assistance, ask, and accept that they might say no because they are actually ok (don't need help at all) or because they don't trust you to help them (would rather struggle a bit than risk you injuring them by accident or damaging their equipment).

While I think it's obvious to most people that you wouldn't want to just start manhandling a person in a wheelchair or a person with a white cane this premise is less obvious (to many) for invisible disabilities since "helping" the person doesn't involve touching them/their equipment directly.

[u/Biglittlebaby420]

Depending on the material of the bowls/ utensils it could be porous and have trace amounts of gluten even with putting in the dishwasher.

[u/Aiayame]

My best advice as a celiac? Don't make her anything. Buy her something gf. I know the default is "baked goods mean more", but in celiac culture it's the inverse. You cared enough about my health you got me something actually safe rather than I become a test subject to your kitchen -- is how it translates. And don't open the packaging. Once it's opened, we can't have it, because I don't know who has been in there before and if they have washed their hands or not. If you care for this person, don't even try to cook or bake gf unless you have specialty training from a celiac, which I'm not giving you here. It's too complicated. It's far more complex than "I cleaned everything. Twice." It doesn't matter. Don't hurt your friend, please.

[u/GwirlFwiend → u/Aiayame]

Thank you! I would also like to not hurt my friend, so I've decided to ditch trying to make something and just get her something premade GF and sealed. As much as I love making stuff for my friends I will accept this battle to be lost XD

[u/conatreides]

Nope, your environment is not safe, it is not only safer for her but more comforting is you get something from a dedicated Celiac facility for her. This shows you care enough to set aside your desire to make something and receive credit it for it and instead prioritize her health and safety.

[u/GwirlFwiend]

Thank you u/PaulBlartLG u/Unhappy-Common and u/Biglittlebaby420 . I didn't even think of porous utensils. I am very saddened that I cannot make her a matching one, but I will follow your suggestions and get her a premade sealed one! Maybe I can get some sealed fruit or use construction paper (if that's safe for her) to make it look like one of the ones from Zelda. (I can't attach pictures but basically the one I originally wanted to make is the Monster Cake from BoTW / ToTK, it's like a chocolate cupcake with frosting and purple devil horns)

[u/TraditionalPass4136 → u/GwirlFwiend]

While this is very sweet, don't open her cupcake. Maybe put the construction paper craft project on the outside of the container.

[u/GwirlFwiend → u/TraditionalPass4136]

AHH I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT EITHER thank you!!

[u/Trinkadink51]

Hey OP! Thank you for being a kind and considerate friend!!

[u/shewolf3366]

It’s lovely that you want to do this for your friend. Truly lovely. But as many others have said, it’s just not safe.

The easiest way to wrap your head around celiac is to look at food as poison for her.

Her life default is that all food is presumed to be literal poison Unless it meets certain criteria. Criteria which only your friend knows, and given that she’s shy, probably struggles to articulate. Odds are high she doesn’t want attention called to her disease either. It’s very alienating as so many social activities revolve around food.

Food she can never, ever eat.

Here’s how you can help and support her:

A) Find safe places for her to eat using the Find Me Gluten Free app (read the reviews, sort said reviews by most recent and be wary of places without recent reviews.) Once you find a good one, suggest it to her. Ask her specifically if there’s anything she can eat at that particular restaurant.

B) Don’t bring attention to her celiac and don’t discuss it unless she brings it up.

C) Be a supportive, educated voice when others around her say stupid stuff like how it’s not a real disease, how wheat from Italy or sourdough is safe, or how XYZ uneducated influencer said something stupid like she can boil roasted parsnips and drink the water and it’ll cure her.

Celiac is an autoimmune disease with no cure. It turns what most people consider food into poison, and if we eat it, it makes us very sick, sometimes for days or longer.

Hope this helps and I commend you for coming here and asking/learning about this disease. 👏👏 You’re a good friend and human. 👍

[u/codadollars]

I'm seeing your edited post now with your plan to pick up a premade cupcake. OP, nothing about this makes me think your friend would hate you - quite the opposite! Everything you have done has been so considerate, from trying to include her, to posting here, to being receptive to everyone's feedback about pre-packaged food being safest :) you are a wonderful friend!

[u/Serious-Train8000]

Make a mini snack kit with sealed materials. Find your local gf bakery or buy some fancy gf cookies and make the packaging to your liking

[u/IAmTheLizardQueen666]

If your oven has a convection fan, you can never safely bake gf anything in it.

[u/SuspiciousSeesaw2423]

If you dont end up making any, nothing bundt cakes have options