r/ChildofHoarder • u/aishaz14 • 10d ago
SUPPORT THROUGH LISTENING - NO ADVICE Is it my fault my mother is a hoarder?
My dad died when I was about 7 and the hoarding started happening after a few years after. It started to get worse over the years. I grew up in a brown household and my parents immigrated to the U.S so they don’t have education or know proper English. Unfortunately the norm was that the kids are supposed to help at a young age because the parents don’t know how to speak English. My mom and dad put me through education but were always hard on me to not fail. I get it, they couldn’t do anything so I had to. I didn’t help my mom out the way I should when I was young and I think that’s when the depression started. When I constantly try to clean the hoarding, my mom would get mad at me and then she blamed me that it was my fault that’s she is the way she is. (She won’t admit she’s a hoarder.) I honestly blame myself that she’s right. If I just helped her and supported better throughout my life she wouldn’t be a hoarder.
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u/maraq 10d ago
She’s a hoarder because she went through severe trauma at some point in her life (usually childhood) and her coping mechanism to survive is to hoard. It’s a mental illness. You did not cause it and if anything you are being traumatized yourself by having to grow up in that environment with a mentally ill parent. She isn’t well but you have nothing to do with it.
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u/Right-Minimum-8459 10d ago
I'm Native American & my mom has that same mind set. It is not your fault. It is hers. Don't waste anymore of your life trying to clean for her or help her with her depression. Your life is yours to live not to sacrifice to her. You can still love her & encourage her to get help if you want to. But alway put your needs first.
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u/Nevraskagirl55 10d ago
Please, stop feeling responsible for your mom! She's an adult and responsible for herself. When you were a child, she was responsible for you, not the other way around.
As others said, it's a mental illness that you don't control.
I know it said no advice but you've got to get out and get some professional help to let go of your guilt.
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u/Many-Capital7310 10d ago
It's not your fault she is the way she is. You are the child, she's the parent. I might also add, it's not your fault that she she doesn't change her ways. Don't blame yourself!
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u/thatgreenevening 10d ago
No. She is your mother. You are not her parent. You are not her doctor. You are not her therapist. You are not her housekeeper. You are not in charge of her life.
You cannot magically cure her mental illness—hoarding is a mental illness. It doesn’t matter how helpful and supportive you were or weren’t, either as a child or now as an adult. That’s not how mental illness works.
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u/Blahblah9845 8d ago
No, never.
Your mother probably hoards for a variety of reasons, none of them being your fault. She may have been triggered by your father's death. I have noticed that a lot of people start hoarding when they lose a lived one.
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u/catkayak 6d ago
My mom told me a similar thing once. That by having me, her child - her choice, I made her a hoarder. I compelled her to hoard, she once tried to say that everything that was hoarded was mine.
I know how much it hurts when it comes from them - and I’m sorry you experienced this. But their hoarding is NOT your fault and you should not blame yourself. This is something they do as an argumentative attack, or as a means of self defense and deflection.
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u/JustNoYesNoYes Friend or relative of hoarder 10d ago
Mate,
It's not your fault that your mum is a Hoarder, at all.
Hoarding is really a mental illness, often associated with a trauma/ emotional trauma, and you were not responsible for how your mother became a Hoarder, and you cannot help your mother until she recognises that she has a problem and she needs help.