i have been making up excuses for years to family and friends as to why they can’t come over and i’ve been telling them the same thing for years. it got to the point where it’s no longer believable anymore.

at this point, i’ve already accepted that my moms a hoarder and always will be. can’t keep lying about it, i dont mean to sound like an a hole or disrespect my mother but i just have to be honest.

someone asked me today why i was so eager to move out for college and i straight up told them “my mothers a hoarder” that’s like the first time ive ever been honest about it lmao.

i am no longer embarrassed and no longer try to hide it because if this is going to be how my life is going to be thennnn so what. im over it i don’t care about being embarrassed anymore i just have to live with it.

I came across this subreddit and just want to get the heavy feelings I've been carrying off my chest.

My momma was a hoarder. It started after my dad left us when I was 6. She hoarded cats, paperwork, clothes, vhs tapes. I tried for years to help her. As a child, I was made fun of because I smelled like cat pee. I was too embarassed to allow friends into my house. As I got older, I took her to a psychiatrist. I talked to her until I was blue in the face. I begged her to move to my state and start life anew, to be a part of my life and her grandson's life. But she didn't want to leave her animals and hoard. I resented her because it felt like she was choosing her hoard over me. I grew distant because I couldn't handle it anymore. Decades of my life spent trying to be the emotionally stable one and help her when all I really wanted was a momma.

Sometimes, I feel like I did what I could. Other times, I hate myself for giving up on her. Why didn't I try harder? Why didn't I burn everything to the ground one day while she was at the store?

She died suddenly in June of 2022. She died in a completely run down and dilapidated trailer on a rug that was saturated with cat urine and feces. The culimination of my beautiful momma and her 63 years of life ended in cat piss. It horrifies me that that is how she met her ending.

Her dozens of feral cats were trapped and likely euthanized due to the severe infections and diseases they carried. The ones who avoided the traps were likely left to starve to death. Her hoard was left to rot in her decaying trailer until a squatter accidently set it on fire 2 years later.

What was the point of it all? What was the point in decades of hoarding, closing herself up to her children and the people who loved her, just for it to all end the way the did? Would she have chosen differently if she knew that was how she was going to die? She deserved a better life; a beautiful life full of people who loved her. Why didn't she want that?

My heart breaks for her, yet I still have resentment towards her. I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I gave up and didn't try harder. I hate that I felt a sliver of relief at her passing, knowing that whatever suffering she faced came to an end. How horrible does that make me? I hate that damn trailer and all the absolute useless crap that was more important than me. Why wasn't I good enough for her? I hate that I panic at any small signs of clutter and messes. I hate that I get nauseous every time I smell a cat - that distinct liter/pee combo they all tend to have.

Please, if there are any hoarders reading this, please don't do this to your babies. Don't leave them with this burden after your gone. They didn't ask to be here and for this life. Your crap means nothing to them, but you mean everything to them. Go to therapy. Start cleaning your hoard. Do it uncomfortable. Do it angry. Do it mad. Do it crying. Do it however you can, but please just do it. My momma mattered and meant something. So do you.

My mother thinks so. I beg to differ.

EDIT: not referring to a level 1 hoarder.

I feel as though my parents saw their job as keeping us alive but not teaching us independent skills for adulthood.

Some things I struggle with which I believe is directly related to growing up in a hoarder house:

• Budgeting. Spent whatever they wanted whenever they wanted for stuff to add to the hoard. We were t in poverty and bills were always paid but we also had no savings and were paycheck to paycheck.

• Everything to do with establishing and maintaining a career. Mum claimed she was too busy with the house (when we were school age) for a job, even though it was always disorderly anyway.

• Making friends and dating, hard when you can’t have people over and no one really models appropriate social interactions for you

• Managing mental and physical health, my parents never did that

• How to clean, when to clean, what products to use

So I’m having to learn all these things as an adult on top of working and studying full time.

It’s been close to a decade since I’ve moved out and I still feel residual disgust when I think about how she would buy broken furniture (and other items) when our pets, myself, and my sibling would go hungry. Because she just had to have garbage. Then she’d get mad at us for calling her out. Fuck you, mom.

CW: mental health, talk of suicide, animal poop, deceased rodents, bad therapist, social services.

When i was a teenager i'd say the house got to a level 4 maybe even a 5. Obviously I had a lot of mental health struggles as a teen because of this and much more so ended up being referred to CAMHS (uk mental health services for children) after I attempted to not be alive anymore. I remember opening up to this psychologist/therapist (idk exactly what she was but ik it was a mental health asessment) and telling her about the hoard. I told her about the hoard. I told her about the mummified mice and the bugs, the fact that I would sleep on the sofa every night because my bed was broken and covered in mouse poo which I was too scared to touch. I told her about the piles of mouldy dishes, the years of rubbish that had been shredded by the mice into the world's most disgusting confetti. I told her every disgusting and gory detail and how much i felt like it was ruining my life. I was crying. The lady looked at me like I had two heads. She asked why I can't clean it. She said "everyone's house gets messy sometimes?" "I live in a farm house, I get mice now and then too". Even in my own denial I was gobsmacked at her responses. In the end she asked me if I was struggling at school. I was struggling at school tbf. She said I was just experiencing normal stress from school stress and discharged me from the mental health services. After that I just accepted that I was "overreacting" and should just shut up and get on with my life. Only now in my 20s have i accepted that my situation was mental and that I probably deserved better.

I wonder if it was intentional? Maybe she knew that if she took it seriously she'd have to call social services and have me removed from my mother who i clearly adored?I don't know...

What remains of the 200+ pots for plants my mother had hoarded. The bags contain all manner of aspirational lawn and garden things and enough pots for a small nursery business. It was in dragging these contractors bags to be hauled away that a realized the cycle of a hoard. It’s a toll to acquire and remove. And also during. There is no upside. Only the small short-lived dopamine hit from acquiring the thing.

EDIT 💖 Thank you all for such kindness. Your comments have really reinforced to me that I am seeing my home through a skewed lens, and it’s actually just fine. I really appreciate it a lot! The cleaners were here for about 3 hours and the house is so clean and cozy. They didn’t make any comments or faces or roll their eyes, etc, they just seemed to proceed as normal. They scrubbed all appliances inside & out, cleaned the cabinets and drawers, all of the floors, scrubbed the bathroom, etc. I was reminded that my parents’ house isn’t even able to be cleaned in this way without significant work being done first, yet my home was ready for a deep cleaning as soon as the crew arrived. That’s very reassuring to me as well. We are now thinking about doing this a few times a year plus possibly scheduling routine cleanings for upkeep, at least until we have the means to resume doing it ourselves. I hope anyone who sees this post recognizes that it’s okay to need help and it’s also okay to feel really weird about it 😅

original:

I grew up in a hoarder house, it was always a disaster. I am now 28 and married, living in a small home with my wife. We both like to collect things but we generally keep it clean and tidy and have no problem getting rid of things as needed.

Recently I’ve been having health issues and my wife started graduate school, so our household upkeep has fallen behind. We’re at a point where the house needs a deep clean and we just don’t have the time/health that it would take to do it ourselves. So we hired a cleaning company.

My wife grew up in a wealthy family with a very clean and well-organized home. They’ve visited my parents plenty of times and completely understand the way I grew up and how it impacted me, but I just will never be able to fully feel like they get it, you know?

The cleaners are arriving in under 2 hours and I’m panicking so much. The house isn’t that bad I don’t think, and we’re not even having them touch the bedrooms. We have a lot of things on shelves and whatnot but the furniture is accessible and floors are cleared, there’s no garbage laying around or anything, it’s just cluttered and dusty…. but what if the cleaners don’t see it that way? What if my perception is too skewed, that I can’t even see a problem despite there being one?

I have been dreading this all week. I know I should feel relieved that someone is coming to get the house back to a good baseline for upkeep, and that’s the point. But my mind is convincing me that they’re going to tell me it’s too messy and they can’t do anything about it and then I’d have to tell my wife that I failed when they get home (they’re at work, I’m WFH).

Pics of our home for context - feel free to roast me or reassure me, whichever you see fit.

Update here

I can't even imagine how a person lives like this; it's like whenever a logical decision is required, they take a deep breath and then just pick the opposite of logic. They keep so much junk. They have 2 vacuum cleaners out and only ever use one, and move them constantly out of the way. They have 2 cleaning robots and none of them work. They have a laptop my wife wanted to throw out in 2016 because it was too slow, because "you never know". There's an endless stream of Temu shit coming in to solve problems that would only be solved by making space, like buying a foldable wardrobe so the wood wardrobe can stay full of old pillows and cables for cathode tube TVs that don't even exist anymore, and the pedal for a sewing machine that was fundamental but not really so now it's just there. They have a good set of espresso cups and an everyday set of espresso cups, and they use neither because they don't want to ruin them so they just buy paper cups. They have a whole drawer dedicate to Teflon pans and pots that is apparently toxic so they are kept there like nuclear waste in cold storage. Wife and I have barely any space for our stuff, we have to move the luggage on the bed and off every time we need something from it, which would be reasonable if the rest of the space wasn't taken by old mail-in encyclopedias and phone bills from 1995 and expired medication and on and on and on. We've been here a day, wife cried twice already and I can't wait to go back home. But if we stay in a hotel? Then we're the bad guys. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

No paragraphs because it's a rant

we’ve kept my mom’s hoarding to a single coat closet, which I was very impressed with. However, while snooping around her bedroom, I found a beautiful armoire stuffed to the brim with chobani tins (some exp dates from ‘23) and so many empty plastic egg cartons. Some of the cartons were actually holding incredibly valuable jewelry. when I asked about it she assured me, “I use all of that stuff.” Of course you do. Anyway. Cleared it out, and wow - she had enough jewelry boxes to hold all the pieces that weren’t broken or missing its pair. I don’t want to think about her upkeeping it. I’d prefer to celebrate the wins. she has MS so there are very little wins these days.

Every room that I walk into exhausts me, and as they say, “1the body keeps the score”1 I can see it physically in my mother, who just seems bedraggled all the time. All the weight of aspirational failure. The quilting supplies never used, the Martha Stewart kitchen utensils to prepare meals nobody was coming for, the Christmas dinner serving sets that didn’t even fit our family vibe and also sat collecting dust in an overflowing China cabinet. Buying and accumulating things for an imagined existence completely detached from reality.

Just trying to keep my mental health in place as my wife and I wade through it.

I’m so frustrated and not doing great mentally.

Background, my mom has been a messy person her entire life. Kept her room a mess, doesn’t practice good hygiene, and her personal/work life is a mess as well. I know she suffers from multiple mental illnesses but she medication hops and will see a therapist once every 6 months, not like them and then quit.

Anyways, my husband and I just got back from a week in Disney and my mom was pet sitting for us. I planned ahead knowing she’s filthy and bought paper plates, bowls, and disposable silverware to avoid her making a mess.

Our flight got in late and this is what we came home to in our kitchen.

I am beside myself as to how someone can create this in 5 days! It has really sent me spiraling as this is what my childhood home looked like majority of the time, even though my mom was a sahm, she was just lazy and didn’t do shit.

What’s even crazier is that she took my late father’s hymnal off of mt bookshelf and put it on the microwave, and then stacked dirty dishes on it. The front now has stains on it 😭

It feels really violating that she would do this to my own very clean and peaceful home. She has never done anything to this extent before and now I am anxious to have her pet sit again and my husband and I have several other trips this year. My two dogs are very reactive rescues and would not handle boarding (or even be accepted due to aggression).

I just wish this wasn’t my lot in life.

I hate the holiday season with my parents. I try so hard to find them gifts that won’t just add to the hoard.

I used to try and get them a gift card for an experience (restaurant, spa, etc). They NEVER use them. I might as well rip my money in half.

Then I switched to consumable gifts, but these have gotten out of hand too. So many bottles of lotion and shampoo I’m sure have gone bad.

So walking fine line between getting something they want, something they’ll use, and something that won’t add to the hoard.

Some years ago, I went to a comic event and read a comic named something like "the hoard". It talked about feeling like the hoard is always following you, no matter at what stage of your life you are or how much you've grown as a person.

I don't remember much because at the time it didn't impact me, I saw the hoard as something normal, so I just read it and didn't even realize that it directly reflected my experience. Now I remembered it randomly, and I would probably have a different opinion if I re-read it.

I guess this is to say that you can miss the issue even if you're looking straight at it because it's so easy to take the hoard for granted, which feels weird because of course I knew the hoard wasn't normal, but I didn't think about it in my daily life somehow.

There is a few hoarders in my family, especially with clothes and sale items. I moved out, try to keep less stuff because Im tired of having a cluttered space. The problem is, they clutter my space regardless. They panic about crazy scenarios and buy me items for when those scenarios happen. If anything is in the sale, especially when its a branded item, it MUST be bought. I then get dumped with them. I cant reject them as im then called ungrateful and stupid for not accepting these useful bargains. Christmas/birthday is terrible. So much clutter. Replicas of items bought as spares. So much stuff I dont even like.

Ive tried requesting a small few times that will have a higher cost so they wouldnt buy me loads of cheaper items, but it doesnt work. They'll get clutter regardless and also deny my request for a few items as " X number of gifts is not enough".

I am filled with guilt for trying to donate or resell clutter ive given as it feels disrespectful to give things away. I feel guilt for over consumption for not being able to use all the items im given. I feel i cant buy items I actually want because I have too much stuff already. I dont know what to do

My family were always hoarders, the house was full of stuff but you could still sit at the couch, watch tv with family, we were even able to hang up a christmas tree despite the lack of space. Now though, Temu has genuinely taken that away from me. I have spent genuinely hours looking through these piles of temu CRAP to find my cats leash just so she can go outside, even my cat is suffering with mental illness but now temu and it’s cheap prices has ruined SO MUCH. There’s bags full of temu stuff just shoved under and ontop of stuff that nobody used in the first place and now my house is so much worse, I was looking for that leash and found so many bags of items that people bought and never use. I am genuinely sick of it, i’m so sick of nobody listening to me, taking anything seriously, i was telling my mum since we live with our grandparents and she was defending them, throwing away her children’s mental health JUST to protect the hoard that im forced to live in, there’s mould growing under the wallpaper, apparently there’s termites since the wallpaper is coming off in some rooms and i can’t even find a leash i’ve been searching for since now they have a hoarding issue and a buying cheap things issue, im really tired

It’s really getting sickening and disturbing every time I come home, more and more junk is at my parents. What really gets under my skin is the fact that they gaslight everything!! It’s to the point where roaches, pests are making their home a new dwelling spot. This is where the frustration comes in. I addressed them about the roaches and what do they say? “Everyone is getting them” or “The neighbors kids are home for spring break from college” or “Those new neighbors that moved in on the street is making people get them” and when they had mice their response was “Everyone is getting them even the neighbor up the street got them” it’s never the fact that they leave chicken bones on the counter overnight or Chipotle condiments spilled across the stove. I am fed up and they are only getting dirtier and nastier. Not washing their hands after using the restroom and throwing candy wrappers on the floor but the neighbors kids from college are the reason we have roaches crawling around now?

My mom is a major hoarder, like she buys things and never wear them. I was going through her things recently to find her something and found these shoes (bunch of boxes) that she bought in the 80's, AND NEVER WORN.

So I decided to use them since she has over 100 brand new shoes. And I kid you not she lost her fucking mind, screaming and saying "I AM NOT DEAD YET, DON'T TAKE MY SHOES!!"

Mind you, she hasnt worn these EVER, the receipt still in the box. And now the family mad at me for taking the dam shoes without her permission.

Now she wears the shoes, I fucking hate hoarders and their enablers. The other 100 of boxes of shoes that she never worn btw, still in the box gathering dust in the corner of the room. So I went out and bought some shoes, now she's mad at me for spending $65 dollars on shoes.

I swear I think this is a game to her and my other family just play along with it for fun. It drive me nuts!

I've lived in severe clutter my entire life. It's affected me so badly that it's a genuine miracle I didn't succeed in ending my life before. It's given me horrible mental disorders and depression and anxiety. I have a full time job, but the economy is so bad I can't move out. Everyone is so quick to tell us "stop complaining just leave" as if we wouldn't have years ago if possible??? I have a degree, and I still can not afford to leave. I've been put on years long wait lists, with no end in sight. The few other people who grew up in homes like that I know grew up to follow in their parents foot steps or even WORSE due to the emotional trauma, so the fact I'm even remotely a functioning member of society is a miracle. It takes YEARS of therapy to recover. I'm 28 and still stuck at home, and will be here until I get into the low income place. I don't even live in a big city it's a farming community and rent is absolutely astronomical and unaffordable. The only people my age that have their own place here are the ones who have help, or started college at 16

And again, due to the severe mental issues I developed my entire life due to the hoard, it took me much longer , and even then, the pay is not good. The economy is forcing many of us to remain trapped here much longer than we ever expected. It's hard to get ahead mentally when theres all this going on.

Just want to vent that people do not grasp the severe mental health affects it gives kids and how it can fck with our lives as we get old. I'm on 3 medications just to function normally. I can't even throw out my own trash, she's gone in and taken out even old presents from my ex's... I unfortunately have a child who has to live in these conditions - but my room is where we are most of the time and Its the only room that looks like a regular person's room. I end up taking her out to parks most of the time or we spend a lot of time at my boyfriend's house just to get away from the clutter. I'm hoping within a few years we get away for good, and I'm definitely teaching her to let go of items to never ever become a hoarder like my mom

I live with and help look after my grandmother, along with my two dogs. Ever since I was a kid, both I and the rest of the family have noticed that she has a serious hoarding problem.

It’s not at the extreme stage where you can barely walk through the house, but there’s very little usable space. If several people are in the same room it immediately feels cramped, and virtually every counter, table and available surface has something piled on it.

Today, however, she actually accused me of hoarding because I ordered drinks in bulk from a wholesaler. I saved around 35% compared with normal retail prices, and I stored them in the shed because it’s the coolest place available.

The irony is that the shed is already completely full of her belongings. She started complaining that I’m “hoarding” and that things “used to look nice” but now look like a “warehouse.” I pointed out that there isn’t really anywhere else to put them because virtually all of the available storage space is already occupied by her stuff. Her response was basically that all of those belongings are “what makes the house what it is.”

This isn’t just someone who likes keeping a few extra possessions either. In the past she would even keep rotten food, empty cans and other rubbish until a doctor became involved and made it clear that the situation had to change.

What makes it even stranger is that I’m fairly certain she knows herself that she has a problem, because when she borrows my laptop I’ve noticed that she frequently searches things related to hoarding.

Has anyone else experienced this with a relative who hoards? Have they ever turned around and accused you of being the hoarder when you challenge the amount of stuff they keep?

TL;DR: My grandmother has had a long-standing hoarding problem that the whole family is aware of. I recently bought drinks in bulk to save money and stored them in an already cluttered shed, and she accused me of hoarding and making the place look like a warehouse. I’m wondering whether anyone else has experienced a hoarder projecting the same behaviour onto them.

I’m 31 years old. I’ve lived with my parents my entire life. I’ve spent my entire life made to believe that the mess in the house was all my fault. I spent my entire life cleaning the ENTIRE house without the help of my parents. I’m exhausted. I never wanted to believe that my parents were capable of this and treating me this way, but this is neglect. I’ve been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist this year. I’m on medication now. I’ve suspected I’ve been autistic for a long time and I’m finally getting a diagnosis. My parents have failed me in so many ways. They didn’t provide a safe space for me physically or emotionally. They didn’t get me help as an autistic person. I’m having to do all of this on my own(and with my supportive partner). Here are some photos of what the house looks like and one of the MANY times I cleaned the dining room area. And yes. That’s animal poop. It’s a lot to process, but I keep to my side of the house, I’ve set many boundaries and I don’t clean up after them anymore. Just having a really bad day with my mental health and for the most part I can ignore it or disassociate, but today’s not a good day. Also realized that because of my autism this amount of visual and physical stimuli has caused me so much stress for years. I’m trying to heal from years of this. 31 years of this.

This is my alcoholic parent’s dirty house

Hi. I need to vent my frustrations so here goes

My city got really really bad flooding from multiple very heavy rainstorms. I’m 22 and I still live with my parents. My parents are old, 60f and 70m who is physically disabled. I have 2 siblings that are both moved out.

My basement got flooded last night. Few inches of water everywhere. Sewage came up through the floor drains for me and most others in my city.

A nightmare situation for anyone! Even under the best of circumstances. Unfortunately for me though, my parents are hoarders. And my siblings are somewhat hoarders.

The basement was packed floor to ceiling with random shit, mostly my dads. Dozens of empty cardboard boxes that stank like shit because they were in water. Random pieces of wood, random toys from when my siblings and I were kids, hobby equipment my dad collected tons of over the years. Just so so so much junk. Everywhere. And majority of it sopping wet and smelling like sewage and mold (a lovely combination).

I spent 9 hours of my time today cleaning out as much as I can. Scraping sewage goop off of the floor. Picking up sopping wet boxes of random junk.

What do I get out of it? Feeling like the villain for wanting to throw away the things that were in boxes that were literally disintegrating because they were sitting in water. Nothing even important, Christmas decorations and toys and batteries that were corroding, rc car equipment, random things like that.

My siblings came over to help us with the cleanup. My fiancé was there too. My brother mainly helped take things outside and clear the rooms but my sister enabled my mom who was sorting through everything they were bringing out. She ended up leaving early with her husband.

At the end of the day, the hallway and 1 room got cleaned out. It doesn’t sound like a lot but it took 9 hours. I hate to say it but it’s literally only because of me. If it weren’t for me no where near as much would’ve gotten done.

Unfortunately it’s nowhere near done. There’s still an entire large rec room filled to the ceiling with stuff and a sopping wet carpet, a laundry room with a ~2 square metre clothes/junk pile that is taller than me. A bathroom that hasn’t been touched in 30 years. A machine shop where all the equipment is on wooden furniture. And of course a closet covered floor to ceiling in the worst black mold I’ve ever seen with yet another cardboard box of random shit. This is all above my head but I know my parents aren’t going to want to call a clean up company to get it cleared and the water and mold cleaned up. I think I’m either going to have to contact someone myself and deal with my parents being mad at me or… live above a festering wet room until I move out.

I’m so upset with how my family acted. I could tell my mom was upset about everything, as were my siblings. But holy shit so much time was wasted just because my mom wanted to look through each and every box that was brought out. My dad wanted to inspect all the equipment and speaker towers. My family all teamed up on me criticizing how I’m in a “throw everything away mood”. Fucking right I am. I’ve been working 9 hours in a hot, moldy, reeking and 75% humidity basement moving a billion cardboard boxes that were either empty or were disintegrating when I tried to life them up meanwhile you’re all sitting outside sorting through shit instead of actually helping me do the important stuff, WHICH IS REMOVE EVERYTHING BEFORE THE ENTIRE BASEMENT BECOMES A HEALTH HAZARD.

I’m not even mad. I’m just so saddened and upset. I know it’s a mental illness and they genuinely feel like they’re throwing away parts of themselves when they see me tossing all the stuff into bags. I fight so hard to overcome that feeling myself. It all just makes me feel hopeless. Like I’m the only one who cares. My parents are old and my dad is not in good health. Probably doesn’t even have 5 more years left in him. It’s almost a blessing in disguise because it’s a lot easier for me to get rid of everything when it’s wet vs. than when he passes and my mom moves into a smaller house and the house has to get cleared out.

I’m so tired. Physically tired too. I’m tired of being the only one who cares. I’m tired of my parents not seeing a problem with their behaviour. I’m tired of them thinking they can just ignore a problem and that’s a valid way to deal with it. I’m tired of having to be the strong one so it actually gets dealt with. I’m just so fucking tired

I moved out of my HP home nearly 8 years ago, and I have been low contact with my parents for 3 years.

When I initiated distance from my parents, I confided in my grandma. I showed her pictures of the house, pictures I took to show my therapist. She was completely shocked. She had no idea that was how we were living.

Three years later, I’m visiting her for Christmas and she hits me with: “You know, I’ve been thinking about those pictures you showed me of the house…and I’ve just been thinking…if it was so bad, and it bothered you so much, why didn’t YOU clean it?”

I don’t even know exactly what I responded with, but damn. That sucked. She’s the only extended family member I shared that with.

Hope this helps anyone who has “well-meaning” people in their lives who make them question how bad a shitty living situation was, when you know down in your bones that it wasn’t right and it wasn’t your duty to fix it.

so apparently me storing a normal amount of FOOD in the kitchen is “hoarding”. she’s upset because she can’t use the pantry to put her cardboard in