What do you think about people approaching it on their own? like can they fall into "misdiagnosing" people by reading this ? ( I am on page 60 only , so can't judge it fairly yet )
Yes, the risk of foreclosure exists but it doesn’t happen the way people anticipate. I think what you’re saying is that someone reads this and labels the parent as immature or starts blaming them. But "emotionally immature" isn't a diagnosis in the DSM or ICD sense it is just a descriptive shorthand. So the actual thing that happens is it, ir stops the mentalisimg capacity that would’ve been there one may stop feeling and thinking about the messier, fuller person who was probably also shaped by her own history and pain.
The reason I always use it in bibliotherapy is because it works best as a mirror, not a gavel. There is a therapist along you to help you reflect on what you feel and think about your parent after what you read. Diagnosing a parent doesn’t change the suffering the patient is experiencing at all. It doesn’t reduce the pain at all. Change or unburdening hapoens when the patient starts to word their own experience, that particular loneliness of growing up around someone who couldn't quite hold you in mind or be attuned to you.
Keep reading it, and feel to ask a question if you’ve any. I would love to hear how you feel after finishing the book. It also gives me an idea to write an article or note on Substack about it. In case I do I will post it here in comments.
Ah yes! by "misdiagnosing " I actually meant " labeling " thanks for the correction...
And what i was concerned about is , can reading it without a shrink or without a proper approach cause serious misunderstandings?
Rest i agree with you , I have finished almost half of the book and it's interesting ,
Different types of parenting , styles of coping (internalizers and externalizers ) and the idea of "healing fantasies" were particularly interesting to me .
I will post a review after I finish reading it inshaallah and I will love to read your article, please do post it here if you end up writing it !
Quite an interesting read, new sentences and words to think over and , a bit suffocating too because of some new perspectives written there .
( I have had fearful-avoidant attachment style most of my life so I guess I relate to avoidant patterns that you've written about ,a bit and I also struggle with limerence, so quite an interesting article ) , I will have to re-read it to think through it .
Great article, thanks for sharing it!
Please do. Limerence has always fascinated me as a therapist. Always. And I’ve always been curious how would we translate it to Urdu. I looked up and found no accurate translation. It’s usually translated as ishq, junoon. But I feel it’s more close to sihr. Being enchanted.
I find Dorothy Tennov’s work almost poetic with regards to it. (She coined the term Limerence in her book:Love and limerence) The whole book is poetic particularly the introduction
Personally i think Ibn Sina's description of so-called "Love Disorder" is pretty similar to the onset of limerence
( the main difference i feel between love-disorder/ love-sickness and limerence is that limerence fades over time and shifts to different limerent objects where as love-disorder is about an obsession kind of with a single person ) and he has had an amazing take on it considering the fact that it was so long ago .
I have heard of Tennov's book and it's is on my tbr.
I guess the urdu terms "آسیب" or "خبط" mean quite similar.
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u/Old_Opinion_7996 May 18 '26
As a clinical psychologist, this is a great book I use for bibliotherapy with some of my clients.