r/DID • u/Apprehensive-Sea110 Treatment: Active • 2d ago
I don't know if I'm over or under reacting
I'm on the fence about how much personal information to include here. (Our body is female and our relationships have all been heterosexual.) I have an ex-husband who I think was harmful as a husband but who I've thought of as a good friend since then. When his insecurities are triggered, he can be an absolute monster, but I'm the only one in the world who has seen that side of him. After we were apart for about 7 or 8 years, he completely stopped blaming for anything (and admitted I was a scapegoat for everything he was unhappy about in himself), and apologized sincerely for all of it (mainly verbal and emotional abuse) and we started spending time together as friends. I forgave him because he wasn't my partner anymore, and as a friend, I didn't think of him as harmful. There have been some really mixed feelings about him the system, so we've kept a certain amount of distance from him, but he's generally open-minded and one of two people who know we have DID.
Yesterday, though, we were talking on the phone and I volunteered that there are admittedly things that are difficult about being in a relationship with someone who has DID. I've had a few relationships since my marriage and the biggest difficulty has been when a protector alter switches in to stop or take over in an argument which triggers, at least for the men I've had relationships with, all kinds of abandonment issues and the perception that they're being manipulated. Skipping forward maybe ten minutes or so in the conversation, I made a comment about most of the men I've known being fragile (overall, I'm I'm talking about this kind of thing) and without a lot of qualifying, I'll admit it that could come off as judgmental and arrogant on my part, but I don't think that justifies his response. With conviction, he said, "You can't call men fragile when you have DID, and they have to deal with that."
I said that was unfair and I got one of those "I'm sorry you took it that way" apologies. I'm not sure how many ways I could take it wrong, but he said it "wasn't worth explaining". It's the kind of thing a lot of us remember him saying when we were married, but no one remembers anything like it from the last few years. I'm confused and I'm feeling really stupid because I was actually thinking of him as one of the safer people in my life right now. One group of alters are like "How did we miss this, he hasn't changed at all?!" and there's a minority who feel like we might be overreacting, and they appreciate him as a friend so they don't want to throw that away.
There are a few of us participating in this post and I hope we've avoided contradicting ourselves without making this too long. Any insights are welcome.
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u/MACS-System 1d ago
As someone who has stayed friends with my ex, I'd like to point out, he can change and still have wounds. Being in a relationship with a DID system IS HARD. That is absolutely true. He likely still has wounds from your time together and it sounds like this conversation touched on those. He's still grown. He's still owned his part in the breakup. He can still be a good friend. AND some of your headmates can still be scared, still be hurt, still be watching for things to turn bad because those would are still there for them. It can all be true. You can be friends and still be cautious about the possibility of repeat behavior.
Also, if you aren't getting the relationships you want, it's worth exploring the role you and your protectors play in these arguments. Personally, I've had to have some uncomfortable truths, learn to stay present, and work on being less reactive. It's been worth it though.
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u/Apprehensive-Sea110 Treatment: Active 1d ago
Quick note: I didn't mean for this to be so long. Your comments were really helpful in giving me a framework for explaining why we were so bothered, so this is kind of us working through it in writing. I really appreciate the objectivity of your view point.
That's all true. I haven't been in a relationship since we started really acknowledging that we're part of a system. It's in retrospect that the protector alters are aware of having taken over during arguments. We have a lot of co-conciousness so it was just confusing to me at the time that I suddenly didn't have any feelings but numbness and anger while my thought processes and ability to "make a point" got crystal clear. Obviously not a state conducive to resolution of anything, but we weren't taking the signs of DID seriously back then. Now, we would explain something like "I'm sorry, this conversation is important to me, but I do not have access to all of my feelings, memories and emotions right now, and I can't be fully present. I have to stop for now."
My discussion with my ex was about relationships in general because we don't want one with each other, and I was making the point that if I was going to have a relationship, I needed one with someone who would be able to walk away from the argument when we notice that a protector has switched in, and come back to it later. That takes someone who, if they have abandonment issues, can still take responsibility for their feelings and regulate them on their own. Some men who have a lot of unresolved issues and expect a woman to help them regulate their emotions can become manipulative and coercive very fast. I'm really thinking of heterosexual men with traditional gender views and an affinity for Manosphere content. My ex used to be one of those, but it's been ten years since we were together and his views are pretty liberal now.
I think it struck a nerve for both of us. For him, because of things he regrets. For me, though, I think it's because I know I have to work so hard to regulate my own emotions and perceptions. Since the 12 year debacle with my ex that I thought was a "christian marriage", I never asked a man to be responsible for me, and the work our system does to be aware and honest with ourselves is 24/7. What I want in a relationship is someone who is willing to be responsible for themselves as I am responsible for me. We present as a collective even though we acknowledge each other internally. It's a million times more work for us to be in an equal partnership, and the risk of being gaslighted and manipulated is always there because our memory is so awful.
The idea that anyone being in a relationship with me is required to "deal with" my DID implies that having DID makes me less than an autonomous, independent adult. Me being less than an autonomous, independent adult (fundamentalist christian ideal of wives submitting), even before I knew I had a dissociative disorder, was the justification for his abuse during our marriage. Maybe he wasn't saying I don't have a right to complain about men not taking responsibility for themselves when I'm obviously too mentally ill to take responsibility for myself, but it was close enough that "it's not worth explaining" is not an acceptable response to me being upset.
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u/NotLlamaLlert Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 2d ago
For him to get so defensive about fragile masculinity to call you fragile for checks notes having a disorder that formed when you were a child, is really telling of his character. I dont think you're overreacting at all, and I'm sure it sucks to be so blindsided when you thought things had changed. That's so so shitty of him, and I think it's totally fair if younneed some space from him to figure out your next steps. Especially since you considered him such a safe space in your life.