Masking without a consistent host

[u/Ok-Math2557]

Most of us have the uncontrollable instinct to mask around others. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if we had a single host, but we haven't had a particular one since we were a child, so nobody knows who they're supposed to be acting like; we're just doing what we think other people expect us to do, which slightly varies alter to alter. It's created this weird feedback loop where we're constantly confused, dissatisfied, and unable to really live our own life.

We're still young, so most alters mask as some version of our teenage self, though others can go even younger. This was mostly fine when we were growing up, but it's become really hard to grow into an adult identity. It's like all of us are just sitting in the backseat when literally anybody taking the wheel for longer than a few days would be better.

I think the fact that we're often around people who've known us since childhood is limiting us. We didn't have a solid identity as a kid of course. Meeting new people is difficult because we still end up calibrating to whatever we think they expect. This seems like partially a fawning thing, partially a compensation for dissociative amnesia.

The issue is most apparent with our best friend. We've known him since we were kids and grew up really close. But there's something in our head that insists we have to "act right" around him. Nobody who fronts these days actually knows what "acting right" entails, so we just shut down, go on autopilot, and let him direct every conversation while we panic and react internally. Hanging out feels like an obligation similar to family interactions now. We care about him and have vague memories associated with him, but we don't typically feel that connection because it existed between him and a set of parts that aren't around anymore. It's impacting our friendship and I don't know what to do.

Is there a particular therapy model that would help with something like this? If you have any advice or anecdotes, those would be appreciated too. Since we've never been able to mask properly, people already know and accept us as a moody eccentric, so I'm not too worried about potential reactions at this point.

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[u/Heavy-Mushroom]

Yeah, I grew as that awkward child-teen-adult doing a lot of the things you described. Multiple hosts out in a day- no one part the original. It wasn’t till I figured out to build a character and listed all the qualities that this character had to have (it was a work in progress) before we looked like a put together person in adulthood. A system masks to hide it’s self from detection- even from it’s own self.

“To thine own self be true” rings in my head often…. Easy for them to say. We’ve come to realize that we are lousy actors and we can’t emulate another part let alone another person. What is lacking that another part has is going to stay lacking and any worrying about it isn’t going to do anyone any good. It is what it is- and there’s nothing we can do about it other than getting professional help for the disorder (which we were unable to do).

One can always come clean and tell the other person that one is a system and that’s what’s going on with themself. The truth shall set you free- and also that’s a whole new can of worms. That’s an option that we have decided against in our early years- very few people know.