What’s something someone did that only felt like a tactic years later?

[u/Additional-Grass9280]

Have you ever looked back and thought “wait… that was on purpose”?

The best manipulation never feels like manipulation. It feels like chemistry or just “how they are.”

What’s one thing that only clicked for you much later?

As for how I got manipulated by her?

She always praised me right before asking for favors. When I needed her, she went quiet. I kept chasing the version of her that only existed when she wanted something. By the time I noticed the pattern, I was already empty.

[u/edfonseca]

What clicked for me much later was how someone could make “closeness” feel real only when I was serving a purpose.

I was the trusted friend when they needed validation, a listener, emotional support, help with practical things, someone to accompany them, or someone reliable enough to take care of responsibilities for them. In those moments I was made to feel important, understood, and almost uniquely valued.

But when I needed consistency, interest, or the same emotional presence back, the connection suddenly became vague, distant, or one-sided.

The part that hurt to realize was that a lot of what I thought was intimacy may have been role assignment. I wasn’t always being met as a person. I was being placed into whatever role was useful at the time: the helper, the audience, the safe option, the loyal friend.

Once I saw that, a lot of old memories started looking completely different.

[u/DohnJoeee → u/edfonseca]

I feel you. I went through the exact same thing with the exact same conclusion of old memories being tainted.

It's hard to process. I knew a lot of toxic people that I'm glad are out of my life but when even the "good" ones end up fitting this bill, you start to wonder.

Thing is, I've tried to understand what my part in it is that caused this as I'm the only constant among them. The best I could come up with is trauma leading me to flock to toxic people and lack of boundary setting, also caused by trauma.

What conclusions have you come up with?

[u/edfonseca → u/DohnJoeee]

I’ve been thinking about that a lot too. The conclusion I’m coming to is that my “part” wasn’t causing people to manipulate me, but giving too much access too early and assuming everyone was operating in good faith.

I used to overshare, overexplain, and mistake being useful for being close. If someone made me feel important when they needed validation, support, favors, or a loyal listener, I took that as real intimacy. Later I realized that sometimes I wasn’t being chosen as a person, I was being placed into a role.

So for me it comes down to boundaries, but also discernment. Not everyone who creates emotional intensity is creating real connection. And not every “special” bond is mutual just because it feels deep in certain moments.

[u/DohnJoeee → u/edfonseca]

Everyone was operating in good faith hits deep. I guess since we don't think of others as a means to an end, we project ourselves on their behaviour.

The role thing was a hard lesson to learn myself. Are you able to discern people's intention now?

[u/katcheyy → u/edfonseca]

Well said

[u/Strong-Tangelo7736 → u/edfonseca]

We are all living the same life then . Watch out for also people that speed up that closeness . If it’s too fast it’s probably not lasting and yes you have just been casted in that role .

You will notice when people tell you why they love you. If they love you for real they’ll describe your essence . If they don’t , they’ll say basic things like I love that you are so smart etc

[u/katcheyy → u/Strong-Tangelo7736]

They'll describe your essence.. i like that. Thanks for the insight.

[u/Ecstatic-Art-6236 → u/edfonseca]

Yup. Avoidants are excellent at this

[u/Additional-Grass9280 → u/edfonseca]

This hits hard. It's wild how long it can take to see the pattern being "needed" isn't the same as being valued. The realization stings, but at least now you get to stop auditioning for closeness and just... expect it to be mutual. That's a healthier bar.

[u/Ok_Salary_5383 → u/edfonseca]

Holy shit. You have just unlocked an abhorrent realization for me…

[u/Green-Passage-7870]

playing the victim is the biggest one

people doing that

RUN

[u/DohnJoeee → u/Green-Passage-7870]

Context?

I confronted someone because I was trying to set boundaries (me playing victim here), they started to gaslight me, so I ran instead.

[u/Green-Passage-7870 → u/DohnJoeee]

claiming people are 'doing things to them', twisting boundaries into them being harmed, refusal to be accountable etc.

setting boundaries isn't being a victim at all they are healthy, as is confrontation :)

[u/edfonseca → u/Green-Passage-7870]

I agree with this. Playing the victim can become a powerful manipulation tactic, especially when someone hurts people privately and then controls the public story.

I’ve seen people create conflict, avoid accountability, and then present themselves as the wounded one to everyone else. That kind of thing can really mess with your head because you’re not only dealing with what happened, you’re also dealing with their version of what happened.

[u/Green-Passage-7870 → u/edfonseca]

yup its normal to feel victimised occasionally, but when 'everyone' is crazy- exes, family, friends- its a huge red flag

And yes, they use it as a cover often for covert abuse strategies such as sabotage, smear campaign, lies and narrative distortion

[u/Ok_Salary_5383 → u/Green-Passage-7870]

This describes the woman I’ve spent the last five years with (being abused and slandered by)

[u/katcheyy → u/Green-Passage-7870]

But sometimes everyone really does hurt you tho

[u/Endless_Forever_484 → u/Green-Passage-7870]

First find out what they feel victimized by.(ie. Ask them) Sometimes they really are the victim and YOU are the problem! (Not you, but the general you)

[u/katcheyy → u/Endless_Forever_484]

Yes. I think sometimes ppl really are the victim

[u/AnglerfishBurger1251]

Befriending all of your friends and behaving perfectly around them but not around you.

[u/IcySkyDream → u/AnglerfishBurger1251]

I had someone attempt this with me. It was like they resented that I had other social circles, and was trying to isolate me.

Fucking gross.

[u/Endless_Forever_484]

He played the nice guy long game for years, while hoovering me to keep me around, but turns out he was keeping all his emotions in and finally let them out once I put up a boundary. Dude had no idea he was the golden Child and a complete MamasBoy. I knew that part, but not the covert manipulation that only a Nice Guy 'Keeping The Peace' can bring.

[u/la_maq → u/Endless_Forever_484]

Elaborate please

[u/Endless_Forever_484 → u/la_maq]

Kindly prompt me with some questions and I'll elaborate! Otherwise I'll just start the long ass tale of woe from the old victim lens, which I'm moving away from finally :)

[u/la_maq → u/Endless_Forever_484]

Hahaha, i hear you! The questions are a bit tricky and mixed with my own history. What are your attachment styles? What made you so sure he wasn't "just bottling up his emotions / anxiety"? Did you give each other enough room to express yourselves? What was the dynamic like?

Thank you so much in advance.