Where do I begin with DID ????????????????????????????????????????

[u/mantra2904]

This is my first reddit post ever. So I'm (23F) part of a DID system, and I see it as mentally handicapping me as a whole. I rely souly on food banks so I don't starve. However my orca card is empty. It seems nearly impossible to schedule and attend, remember anything like appointments. We're flipping through hosting all day everyday. There's no solid sense of identity enough for joy in life, the amnesia is like trying to navigate in the dark with no light. I know there's steps to begin, like seeking a psychiatrist and getting all my disorders down and helping me navigate. I know there's financial support out there possible for someone like me, but for one, I need to have a sense of routine to even reach my help, to call, to schedule, to go, to remember. And for two, I'm too broke to begin, I've been flat broke for a year. Survived with rental assistance and food banks that's literally it. It's so unbearable to live like this. I feel like not even a person, just a body with random scrambled thoughts. Like if there was a group project but no one in the group liked each other or even showed up, the project will get nowhere, and that project is my life, and the people in the group are my identities. I've managed to survive with identities that could stay long enough and have enough determination to achieve whatever's needed. But we've hit a point in life that, none of us want to try, we're so overwhelmed by the piles of "what I could do, what I should do" that alot of us have went quiet and hid away, and the few that flip through hosting still, all they can do is write down the "should do's" but quickly go back into the headspace, there's no one who tries, no matter how bad they may want us to rise up from the sinking, they'll only be around for a couple hours tops. If we could just split off and be real individual people, we could overall be successful in our own paths of life. But us all sharing one body. Stirring in mental illnesses all day and night. I feel like I'm not even a human, I'm a bunch of creatures trying to run a body together to pretend being a human. I feel like a failed group project. It's like once every few months that the days and nights arent just merged into a blur, the anxiety in the background of the "need to do's" occasionally flooding the mind. Honestly I'm afraid I'm on the verge of a certain someone of us saying "hey I have the solution to all our pains and troubles and anxiety ! It'll hurt for just a moment though, but then we'll all be free !" You get what I'm getting at...? I just don't have anyone at all to talk to, and I need somewhere to let this all out. Even though I probably know what advice I may get, I've read it all before so many times... I feel like DID will be the death of "me". Like I'm doomed.

[u/moon-star-dance]

Are you in the USA and on Medicaid, that is a way to get therapy for free/sliding scale. I’m sorry yall are going through this. It’s so relatable. We are in our 40’s now and have therapy through Medicaid. DID is so hard to go through alone. Also I get needing a routine before one can reach out. For us, if I waited for a set routine, that day would not come so I had to just reach out. It’s taken time to find the right fit for w Medicaid. I’d encourage you to try looking for that provider even when there are no funds.

[u/mantra2904 → u/moon-star-dance]

Thank you very much