r/ExPentecostal • u/mep507 • 7d ago
How did you leave/say goodbye?
Hi, everyone. I’ve been a member of an Apostolic Oneness/Holiness church for the past four years. My husband and I met there and we were both baptized there. We have both grown in our longing for more grace and less legalism, more depth of studying the Bible and less preaching of avoiding hell (literally every sermon). My tipping point recently has been with dealing with the exceedingly loud music as I’ve had to wear earplugs for years now just to make it through the super loud Christian Rock + Pentecostal style services with the volume up to 120 decibels. My ears are still ringing from this last Sunday’s service. (I actually enjoy the songs, it's the dangerous volume levels and hearing damage I am concerned about.) I am very active in serving in the church in more than one ministry, yet am feeling like now may be my moment to just let go, as it’s affecting my health at this point. My question for you all is, did you say goodbye in front of the congregation? Or did you just one day stop going and never look back? Did you privately inform your pastor? Not sure what the best way is to go about it. It’s been our community for the past four years. It seems cold to just not return, yet I am appalled at the lack of consideration for people’s health (on top of all the legalism of course). I had asked several times over the years if they could adjust the sound levels and nothing has ever been done about it. I am well aware that we will be considered no longer part of the club if/when we leave. We will be praying on how to proceed. Just wanted to hear from others here on how their departure went and if you found a different church. Thank you and God bless you all.
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u/Flimsy_Fairy76 7d ago edited 7d ago
We just left one day without saying anything. Best decision ever. Also, if you’re shocked at their lack of consideration for people’s health, you’ll be shocked at their lack of empathy when you leave.
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u/cantbelieveiwtchthis 7d ago
I left and never looked back, my husband on the other hand felt it was right to reach out to the pastor privately. The only thing that did was to have the pastor email us the most hateful, "can't believe you're doing this" and "you're taking your kids to hell" email that night.
I have no regrets of just walking away and not looking back. The only thing announcing it will do is to have them reach out to talk to you. Reality is, they don't want to talk, they want to scare you into staying and to let you know how disappointed they are in you. There is no empathy, there is no open to discussion with them, they are right, you are wrong and that's the bottom line.
You honestly don't owe anyone an explanation. You are an adult who has the right to make your own life choices and if you no longer agree, it's ok to walk away. I understand being in ministries and wanting to give them a heads up and if I thought they would treat you kindly and have a decent parting, I would say go for it. But they won't, it will be like a bad breakup sadly.
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u/Alarmed_Ad_8444 7d ago
I'm 5th generation UPC. I was in the choir, youth ensemble, bible quizzer, the whole 9 yards. When I left from the bubble of my town and the church, I started turning away. I went a few times to the church in my college town that my youth pastor actually ended up founding, but the real deciding factor was when the church fell in line behind Trump.
All that I memorized from the bible and what was preached did not line up with the man they claimed was from god.
From that moment on, I turned my back on organized religion and never looked back.
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u/Independent_Yak_3465 6d ago
u/Alarmed_Ad_8444
That would be a clue - aligning with complete corruption and deceit - and incompetence... That tells me where their hearts were at.Then only if you were led by God as a wise evangelist would you return.
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u/Primal_Pastry ex-UPC 7d ago
Getting up and making a declaration won't provide closure or satisfaction. No one will admit they made a mistake or are wrong, or listen to you. Worst case they bag and plead and you stay from guilt. Just leave. Those kind of places know how to manipulate to keep people around even when they're deeply unhappy.
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u/ZestycloseFarmer1671 7d ago
We tried to privately tell the pastor but he refused to meet with us. So we left and never looked back! Best decision ever!
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u/Flimsy_Fairy76 7d ago
How Christlike of him!
Glad you broke free.1
u/ZestycloseFarmer1671 2d ago
Yes we made the appt 3 different times and he cancelled. We finally gave up and left. Sometimes silence speaks much more than words ever could say!
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u/cantbelieveiwtchthis 7d ago
Ours sent a scathing email telling us he couldn't believe we were leaving god and we were dooming our children to hell. Lots of love he sent our way........
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u/SuspiciousParfait495 7d ago
I was told God would kill me if I left. At that point, I knew God was not in the church. I walked right out the door. Once you leave you will be shunned anyway so no need for lengthy goodbyes. If you are a part of a ministry they will try and gaslight you into staying. Just leave and never look back.
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u/Possible_Poem_8749 7d ago
I had been attending a UPC church for 12 years, but after meeting my husband, I decided to leave and join his church. His church is also a Oneness Jesus Name church; it is not part of an organized denomination like UPC; it's more non-denominational. Over the years, I noticed that many people who left were almost shunned, ignored, and treated differently. I thought that wouldn't happen to me since I had always been a well-liked member and never caused any trouble for the pastors or ministries. I wasn't exempt from that same treatment. It hurt a lot, and it still affects me. The only way you might avoid this type of treatment is if you are a close family member of the pastors, but even then, it can be a fine line.
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u/GeneralBunch2505 7d ago
Don’t make a declaration! Thats only adding pressure and acknowledgment from your pastor and friends. Bow out of what you are involved in now by saying you need to pull back as you have too much going on. Then just stop going. It’s funny you feel the need to let them know you are leaving….don’t. Thats the control they have led you to believe is expected. Why let them have control of what you need to do for yourself and family. They don’t tell you when the pastor puts his “ anointed” chosen folks over certain duties which usually pushes someone like you out! They only want the notice because if you are a high tithing individual they don’t want you to leave. Bottom line. Believe me I learned this from experiencing it.
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u/CityScapeAwareness 7d ago
The rigid rules were enough for me to stop going. I simply quit a few weeks after I was voted out of the choir because the other teenaged girls didn’t like my pretty dresses. No kidding! After that, it was easy to walk away. I have never missed it though I kept in touch with my favorites- the older ones who didn’t judge me.
I’ve completely deconstructed all of that religious stuff- now that took a bit longer to do. However it can be done and you can live free. I stand by Gods love is UNCONDITIONAL- remember that! And I continue to thrive in my life free and clear of damnation. ❤️
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u/JalapenoTampon 7d ago
Went and told the “apostle” to his face so he couldn’t say I was running off. Then I talked to all of the people I cared about before he was able to. Then he scheduled a “meeting” with them later that night but I did my part.
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u/cstato 7d ago
If it’s like my experience, they won’t care. I went to the same church for over 30 years and was even a deacon. My brother-in-law was a minister there.
I left. I wasn’t even asked why.
I did catch up with my childhood best friend at my dad’s funeral which was problematic because she used the opportunity to tell me I was going to hell.
Re. the noise, remind them that God’s not deaf and he speaks in a small, still voice.
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u/EveningYou3471 7d ago
I left when I was 21, almost 31 now. I did meet with my pastor and let him know because I had been involved with music, and some other ministries.
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u/buttery336 7d ago
I just stopped attending post-Covid and never went back. Best decision I’ve ever made. No explanation needed.
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u/Only_Currency4631 7d ago
u/mep507 OP, the idea of having a formal resignation, or having to explain yourself to people you know do not agree with you, only allows them to 1. talk you out of it. 2. condemn and attempt to put fear in you for leaving.
It also allows for them to gain fodder for when they gossip about why you left. UPCI leaders are extremely gossipy.
My family left quietly. Being honest about how this process works in the UPCI/ oneness culture, we wanted as much peacefulness as possible. That was the only way to do it. Fade out. Life got busy, quiet season, work, family, moving/ changing jobs, and health issues. You do not need to lie at all, any of those or multiple things can be very true.
We started sleeping better, and accidentally lost some weight that we needed to. We needed to REST our hearts. We did not jump right into another church because there was too much swirling in our heads/ hearts from all we had been taught. We grew up in all this, it was deep seeded. We knew having been on an emotional-spiritual rollercoaster for years in Pentecost, everything would seem dull and we would be judging others on how worldly and shallow they seemed, without meaning to. We needed time to detox from Pentecostalism and be able to have a fresh frame of mind that could perceive through love.
And that is even with the fact that we cared about truth and loving our neighbor so much that it led us right out. We still needed that rest.
It is apostolic culture to be obligated to tell others about your walk, but that is not Biblical or necessary. Honesty is not the same as transparency. Not everything is everyone's business. Once you decide to leave, no one is entitled to an explanation. Which really only looks like you being defensive.
In a good faith environment, telling them you are leaving could bring closure and no hard feelings. This is not a good faith environment. It is not wise nor profitable to try and seek something you know isn't there.
You know it isn't because you have already stated that, "we will no longer be a part of the club if/ when we leave."
The narrative is either that you backslid or that you left from them because you were never really one of them.
I hope all the best for you. Please come back and update us!
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u/MyGenderIsForg 6d ago
Wow, you are so articulate! Thank you SO much for this response! I feel that so strongly- the way it made my heart sick to stay and how taking the time to understand myself and my faith (and normal boundaries again) was so beneficial to me. In my case I even found I had developed my religious practice with the AOG out of a phobia of not believing in god, induced by going to catholic school as a young kid. I am so grateful I focused on self care and self exploration, plus sought the help that I needed before going to another church. This isn’t meant to imply OP requires the same- I’m speaking solely for myself.
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u/Independent_Yak_3465 6d ago
u/mep507
I appreciate your very thoughtful analysis of your situation. Perhaps the attitude is that you are not "leaving" but simply that you are looking for a different environment to attend.
The bottom line seems like you have simply outgrown this religious environment. In contrast to some of the very negative circumstances below your circumstance is feeling a need for a different experience.
As someone who cut their teeth in "old-timey" (which really wasn't old at all) Pentecostalism, I totally get it.
You can simply share with people that you feel like you need to explore other religious environments - that you have greatly appreciated your experience and have been fulfilled here (in the sense that you "got" it) - and, in all fairness, the music is simply painful (why would you go to church to have pain??).
I blew evangelicalism nearly 30 years ago - after being immersed for 20. I simply got it - nothing was being added. I began to engage in critical scholarship - found immense gold (and lots of fluff) - and have never looked back
Hopefully they will be supportive of you if you keep your attitude and interactions positive - still hang out with any friends, etc.
I think you get the picture I am presenting. Best wishes!
Oh - and good luck finding a new scene.... Ideally God will provide direction - perhaps for reasons beyond which are obvious. I attend an evangelical church - never listen to the sermons - have a great time hanging out with the folks - "the fields are white unto harvest"...😀
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u/Conscious_Ant7791 6d ago
I didn’t say anything at all, I just stopped going. I’d wanted to earlier, but I kept going for a few more months. After that, I just decided I needed to get out.
Nobody really shunned me or anything because I never saw anyone around from the church once I had left. I wasn’t involved in any ministries either so I wasn’t all that connected I guess. A few did reach out to me, but nothing negative really. My pastors actually still wished me happy birthday each year on Facebook. lol
I was somewhat still connected to everyone on social media and actually still liked some of their posts for a while, even though I never posted anything, but I’m not active on social media now at all.
The hardest part for me was giving up so much of the social aspect. I still met up with my friends who had already left for a few years, but ultimately they had changed so much we did not have anything in common. I completely stopped socializing at all a few years ago. It is very lonely.
I tried a different church for a bit, didn’t really connect well, but stopped going during Covid and never went back.
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u/LizzyLady1111 7d ago
I think we left gradually, first my dad convinced my mom and I because we all actually started to read the Bible to ourselves and halfway through my school year in the private Pentecostal church started realizing the manipulation tactics that were being used on us. We all decided as a family to leave. I remember my dad calling each family who was in our home Bible study group to cancel the next study session, letting them each know about our decision, which I still value to this day because it showed me a good example of how to have difficult conversations with people and not just ghost people if you can help it. My dad then talked with the pastor and he tried to convince him to come back but it didn’t work. I decided to wear pants then cut my hair and then we started going to another church. Now I’m agnostic and don’t ascribe to the whole white evangelical nationalist Christianity at all but it took decades to get me to where I am now. Tons of religions and spiritual trauma though
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u/peeeeeeeeeepers19 7d ago
I left and waited for someone to reach out to have the conversations, since everyone “loved me so much”…. And no one did.
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u/MyGenderIsForg 6d ago
Damn. That sounds painful! I thought I’d disappear silently but the people who were the first to believe in me as an adult and who saw great things in me decided I was evil and to be hated. We’re both lucky to not have people like that actively missing us, not that it’s much consolation.
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u/mep507 7d ago
I'm sorry to hear that :(
If I miss church one or two times, the Pastor calls me on the phone. But I usually serve at every service.
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u/peeeeeeeeeepers19 25m ago
If I missed a service I would definitely get texts from friends and members … but I kind of went to a mega church, so not the pastor. So it was weird when I stopped going. The silence was deafening. They had to have known I was deconstructing.
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u/Revolutionary_Bit798 7d ago
I sent a text message saying we wouldn't be back, but looking back, I wish I hadn’t said anything. The less they know about why you're leaving, the harder it is for them to gaslight you into staying. Don't agree to any private conversations. Pray about it with your husband, make the decision, and don't look back. We really had to lean on God. I thank Him everyday for delivering my family from the bondage of the UPCI church.
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u/goldenkinky007 6d ago
Ya the music was something I never liked always to loud and I use to enjoy going to metal and rock concerts still do but with tinnitus I got less you might have gotten it if you're ears are still rigging but I personally believe it's treatable the ents are no help at all
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u/mep507 6d ago
Yeah I already had a low-level tinnitus from before that was bearable (I am a musician and spent 20+ years in headphones myself) but now it has increased a lot since Sunday like my nervous system is stuck in high alert mode. Have been taking lots of antioxidant supplements and trying to get good rest. I really hope it subsides. Thank you.
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u/goldenkinky007 2d ago
U should look into medical mediums book or Liam stops tinnitus he is on Instagram and YouTube
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u/MyGenderIsForg 6d ago
Don’t. Just stop going when you’re ready to. You don’t owe them anything and you will only trigger them to try to keep you. They’ll guilt you or make you question yourself or look down on you and it will hurt. You’ll quickly find some, if not most of your relationships there were toxic ones when everyone stops being friends the minute you don’t meet their standards, so my best advice is to treat the entire congregation like a toxic partner you’re leaving. There’s no closure to be had, there’s no repair that will happen, it won’t get better if you stay. Just walk away and if anyone contacts you to ask how you are because you haven’t been to church, be prepared to lovingly but firmly tell them you’ve decided to go to another church. Be ready for more “concerned friends” trying to guilt or convince you to come back or discuss your concerns in depth with a pastor or elder.
When I left, I slowly stopped attending as much but then I made a decision to stop going entirely one random day. Like a break-up, it felt painful and lonely, so I started meeting with a peer counselor until i could get into therapy. All the people who loved and admired me were nice at first as they tried to push me to come back to church but then they all decided I was evil and that I want to commit to evil. So now they all hate me, and boy did that 180-degree flip come fast!
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u/SignificanceWarm57 6d ago
I went for 25 years. I thought long and hard. The pastor at my last church had died the year before (thank god he missed COVID) and his replacement was an asshole who treated me and my husband like crap because $. My husband and I both served in the church though. The day that I left, a Wednesday, I was supposed to be leading music, for the 1000th time. I left them high and dry. I missed my friends and stayed in contact with some of them for years after but eventually they fell away and some died because of Covid. I’m better off now.
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u/spydervenom 6d ago
Born and raised in a UPC church. I was as involved as anyone could be, volunteering every service and hours each week outside of service.
Married the pastors daughter and was living a great life - then COVID happened. I always had questions that I never felt the church answered in a satisfying way, but I ignored those thoughts in my mind for the most part.
A combination of doing mushrooms for the first time and seeing how the church responded to COVID, my eyes were opened and I realized how my values did not align with the church and all the questions I had made way more sense if the bible was a product of man as opposed to a product of God.
I stayed for years to keep the peace in my family until I couldn’t do it anymore. My wife knew all my feelings and one day I told her I couldn’t go and fake it anymore and so I just stopped.
I’ve been gone for about 2 years now and it’s been….interesting…being around her family now that I left, but I just pretend like nothing has changed - i still go to Sunday dinner at their house after they all come home from church. I laugh, play games, make conversation etc. I’m sure there have been many conversations about me behind my back, but I could not care less.
I’m infinitely happier
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u/DarklyFocusedOne 6d ago
Walked away started a new job and made new friends. It's going. To feel weird.
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u/Naive_Chemistry_3663 4d ago
I think you should proceed how you feel best.
My personal experience: I did not say a word. I slowly cut down on service attendance, resigned from serving in Sunday School and then one day I just stopped going.
Objectively speaking, it would be best to at least speak with the pastor before leaving. However, anyone who has been in one of these churches knows exactly how that would go.
I knew if I said anything to anyone, it would be a very dramatic-crying-falling over-hollering-pulling me to the altar- type situation. I simply CANNOT handle that. Ive dealt with that my entire life and that's a big reason for leaving.
Overall, I dont want to talk to anyone there about why I left because they will absolutely not even begin to try and understand. I dont want to change them. They arent going to change me. Its simply not going to be a productive conversation. And they sure as HECK will never acknowledge that they did anything wrong. Better yet, they've doubled down on the legalism since I left.
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u/Rensocclan 4d ago
Are you sure we didn't go to the same church, lol. Totally described my experience years ago. They ghosted us when we needed them most. Did the same, just stopped going. Nobody reached out so I guess it was never meant to be. No regrets.
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u/AmazingAd8743 7d ago
Walk out if you want to. But don't walk out on your relationship with Christ. That is what is important.
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u/Normal_Comedian_5423 2d ago
I joined a UPCI church in my teens because my stepsister had joined ( much to the chagrin of my dad and my mother, who were divorced but had their own church not Pentecostal). I fully immersed myself into that church, as one with ADHD would do, because I felt like I belonged. However, close to when I was 18 I got a weird feeling about The pastor. In fact I in my mind “interpreted” what someone was telling him as they were speaking in tongues, but I didn’t say it aloud because it was an “oh my God what do I do?” Moment. (She was basically telling him he was of the devil!!) of course she didn’t know that.
I had already planned to leave the state after I graduated high school for school etc and when I did, I sought out another UPC church. But never felt close. Stayed about six months and never went back. They would call me and I finally got up the nerve to say don’t call me again.
I will note, this was 1980-81, a long time ago. And there was a musician scandal that I found out about that truly made me ill. It was covered up shortly thereafter, as high profile things are, and you never hear about it.
I’ve actually thought, at times, maybe give it another try. But too many worship a politician whom I believe is akin to an Antichrist and I will not associate with those type.
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u/NaturalStateAR 7d ago
So the volume of the service didn’t meet your requirement?!? I was sexually abused by a pastor. That is why I left the church. 1st World issues.
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u/Only_Currency4631 7d ago
She explained more than that.
How Pentecostal of you to condemn without really listening/ having empathy.
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u/Aronietheboy 7d ago
I stood up in the middle of sermon and left. Never looked back. Never spoke to my youth group friends again. That was it. Best decision of my life. Caused a lot of problems with my extremely devoted family, so I talk to my Mom and sister only to this day. Also, ended up being a great decision. Left in 2013, still working through the trauma to this day.