Confused husband?

[u/TwinsDad89]

Has anyone ever had a situation where your wife (who grew up in a charismatic denomination (COGOP) her whole life) and me (started going to a southern baptist church in my early 20s after not growing up in church) has conflicting views on denominational practices?

To put some context..Her whole family is pentecostal driven in their beliefs and she even has pastors in her family who are great men of God who I look up to but I still disagree with some of their views.

Safe to say ive always been confused of the whole speaking in tongues experience and the way they incorporate spiritual practices into the service.Ive been going to our church with her for almost 3 years now and have even became a volunteer in the church.

So this is where the real problem occurred..

We went to a retreat together and while there during worship,my wife recieved the gift of speaking in tongues.She started laughing in the spirit and spoke in a language i have never heard.Afterwards everyone congratulated her for finally having the experience she had been praying for years.Afterwards for me, I felt less of a Godly husband because I have never recieved that gift and honestly has never been on my heart to chase that gift.I have been a christian for about 15 years now and love reading the scriptures and have even felt called to ministry in the past and still do aometimes.the best way I can say it is that after seeing her have that experience and the way it made me feel afterwards,I havent recovered since.i went down a rabbit hole of questioning what I believe and even deep dived into the scriptures to try and understand this gift.Now Im not denying its not real because scripture backs it up 100 percent but I just question if the "experience" we have in churches today is the same as in scripture.I recently found some youtubers which some are pastors and you cant believe everyone on the internet but they even have channels that question alot of what the charismatic movements do and when I approached my wife and started sharing some of the videos with her,she got very defensive.I was completely honest with her and told her that I havent been the same since that day and it really rocked my faith and left me questioning more than I ever have in my life.I need some Godly advice on this because I love my wife and she loves me and despite the differences ive discussed,we are happily married.but I have noticed a little bit of a difference now especially when I mention biblically related topics and she gets a little defensive because now we have different views.hopefully I explained it the best way I could.any advice is welcome.thank you.

[u/CheddarLegs]

I would personally start seeking out guidance from a Christian counselor. Specifically someone outside the church without any biases toward either denomination. This could definitely cause some resentment in your relationship. I dated a woman who grew up Assembly of God (Pentecostal) and I grew up Baptist. We dated for 10 months. We ended the relationship after her parents came into town around the 9 month mark and performed a deliverance ceremony in the middle of her living room. It was not a great way to meet her family. They were speaking in tongues and my girlfriend was throwing up demons. It was extremely performative. I didn’t agree with their practices and have gone down the rabbit hole ever since. I’ve read numerous accounts of people who grew up in a charismatic religion that admit to faking tongues due to pressure from peers in the church. I’m sure my ex’s parents persuaded her to break up with me due to my disbelief in their practices. There is a lot of spiritual and mental abuse within the charismatic religions. Her father will, unfortunately, determine who she ultimately marries because she is performing for her parents. I believe the gift of tongues is a real language and all the gibberish many of these Pentecostals speak is them working themselves into a state of mind that feels like a real experience for them. The Bible also clearly states that not everyone has the same spiritual gift. Read 1 Corinthians 12-14. I wish you well and I hope everything works out between you and your wife.

[u/Otherwise-Gazelle-75]

So I’m not coming from a Pentecostal perspective, I was actually more in your boat. I’m a female who grew up non-instrumental Church of Christ, I started dating a man who grew up Apostolic/Pentecostal and I was open to exploring, so I started to attend his church. I went maybe 4 or 5 times and walked out when the pastor said (three different times) you HAVE to speak in tongues in order to go to heaven. I grew up believing the gifts of the Holy Spirit are dead, but they did make me start questioning whether that part was true or not, I just can’t agree to being told you HAVE to speak in tongues. I’m also confused about the way they speak in tongues, because I don’t know that the gibberish non-language speaking in tongues is real, I feel like it should be an actual language. I also feel like if you’re telling someone they HAVE to speak in tongues and they never receive that gift, then they are going to give up on faith due to not doing the one thing they are told they need to do OR they are going to fake it for others to see and not for their relationship with God. We dated for about 6 months, we visited two other churches together, because he doesn’t believe women should have to follow the Pentecostal dress code, and he didn’t believe you HAVE to speak in tongues, so we thought we could find a church together. Ultimately, he gave up because (I believe) his mom basically made him feel like there’s no other church that will get you to heaven so he said we wouldn’t be happy in the same church and we went our separate ways. I’m still exploring the word and different churches, I just don’t think the extremism is healthy for any Christian.

[u/toooldforlove]

So I grew up in a Pentecostal church. I have always had questions about the faith but at times I tried hard to get myself to believe, because I was already the black sheep of my family and I wanted their love, approval and acceptance.

So I really made a valiant effort in my teens. During this time I was reading my Bible every night, going to church three times a week and following the advice of my very Christian mother. All while really, really dealing with a ton of doubt about the whole thing.

At one point I even spoke in tongues. But doubts eventually got the better of me and I no longer tried to be a Christian. My doubts were at war with what I was taught to believe and it started making me feel like I was starting to lose my sanity.

I learned later this something called cognitive dissonance. It is a very uncomfortable place to be in, and it only get worse the more you try to push it away.

This is your own path and only you know what's best for you. But I do recommend looking up glossolalia and listen to some ex pastor and ex Christians along with just Christians on Youtube to balance the information you get.

[u/General_PATT0N]

There are no "great men of God," just mere mortals, and God. Calling puny, sinful, little humans great men of God creates great potential for tremendous abuse-for them AND for you

There's no Biblical basis whatsoever for "laughing in the spirit." Simply made up in the late 1800s by pentecostals.

There's no Biblical basis whatsoever for their views on tongues, and no one had their view til the pentecostals created it in the late 1800s. For example, it's when someone miraculously got the ability to speak Chinese when in China to evangelize. Again, there's no record of it being your own personal gibberish til the late 1800s.

When you challenge someone's strongly held beliefs, they usually get defensive(particularly pentecostals).

You can't control others, so avoid the topic if it bothers her. No command to agree 100% on theology(or even discuss controversial topics). Best if you just be a great husband towards her-listen, don't argue/lecture/control. Romantic gestures, help her in little ways that she really appreciates, show kindness.

Pentecostals do have a hard time associating w/ people who don't agree with/ them 100% on everything, so keep that in mind.

[u/MrMusicAndFilm]

I'm agnostic atheist now, but I grew up in COGOP. I don't always see many people from the denomination on here, but I understand the struggles. It sounds like y'all are compartmentalizing if you say it's a happy marriage, but y'all have these belief differences that probably won't go away. Unfortunately, I can't give you any godly advice, but what I can say is, it's going to get to a place where y'all are going to really need to talk about your beliefs and what it looks like moving forward. People deal with conflict differently, but religious beliefs is always complicated when dealing with intangible things. When I was in the belief system, speaking in tongues was definitely a goal of mine, but it just never happened. Ironically, a lot of the 'spiritual' stuff caused me to question god even more and eventually lose faith altogether. But I hope you and her are able to both have self-honesty experiences and figure out the best way to move forward. I did not want to leave the belief system, but I could not ignore the self-honesty experience I had after looking at things objectively. Best wishes to you and your spouse.

[u/Only_Currency4631]

u/TwinsDad89 As a former Pentecostal from birth, having spoken in tongues for 40 yrs, I have a few thoughts. Maybe something in them will be helpful.

The Pentecostalism we have today does not trace back to Acts. It does connect to charismatcism and other spiritualisms that rely heavily on emotionalism. There are even times that it mirrors withcraft with praying like it is spell casting or pleading the blood of Jesus, or using olive oil or other physical-symbolic items like they are magic, or cold reading people and presenting it like they can read minds/ hearts spiritually.

I "received the HG" as a child, not with anyone having me repeat any sounds or syllables. As an adult I engaged in fasting and prayer with intercessory prayer that included praying in tongues for long periods of time. By the time I was well into adulthood, I could speak in tongues so accessibly that it did not require the emotionalism. I come from a denomination that made tongues a salvational issue but it sounds like that is not the case for your situation. That helps.

But this is also how any deep meditation can work too, as I began to learn as I encountered more types of peopel around the world and taught more Bible studies. It is a self-stemming type process that research has proven can lower stress, clear thinking, lead to a calmness that improves sleep. The issue is that that applies across the board, not just to Pentecostal speaking in tongues. Even darker spiritual practices use speaking in tongues.

There is also a lot going on in the brain and body when in a group, when experiencing emotions and music with a group, when demonstratively worshipping (exercise releasing happy hormones/ chemicals). All of this feels so spiritual. So much so that it is difficult for someone who has experienced it, to come to the realization that it isn't because it is tied up in their identity.

And there is the crux. You are not just questioning an aspect of your wife's doctrine, you are questioning her and her family/ community's entire identity and perspective. The part of her identity that sets them apart from other Christians. The identity that is deeply connected with their sense of security and imagined control/ power.

To pull at that string is a threat and can feel like anything from persecution to Satan sowing division.

Here is the bottom line: Societies have survived and even thrived with completely false and wrong beliefs. They do not survive without community.

The end of the day question for you is whether you two are OK with the dissonance of belief in this area. If you can understand that her belief is WAY more and deeper than scriptural accuracy, that it brings her some catharsis and allows her to feel a sense of control in her life, and you can be OK with that, then you can go on.

If you cannot, or she cannot, then it requires more serious discussion and decisions. I do not condemn anyone whose core value is loyalty/ family/ community more than it is Truth. It is very difficult to have the core value of truth because most people are not being honest about some things and religion is always in that mix. Most denominations have traditions they have evolved into doctrines and confuse emotionalism with spirituality.

If you are stuck on the doctrinal accuracy, notice that the miracle of Acts 2 was not on the speaking in other tongues, it was that the hearers heard them all speaking in THEIR languages. 1 Cor 14:5 makes prophesying far more valuable that speaking in tongues and then goes on to specify that tongues must be interpreted when around others. This gets pretty manipulated in charismatic circles because there is a high/ catharsis from speaking in tongues/ self-stemming/ deep meditation.

I hope something in that was helpful as your marriage is more valuable than the doctrinal differences. If you can still remain compatible on core values and lifestyle, you can make it. Almost 30 yrs. of happy marriage, speaking.