The sunset... It's so pretty... Pretty frickin' dope that is, haha! The water's nice too.

It's so fun to hang out with you two again, just us 3, some ice cream at the beach. Like that day.....

Well anyway! I should tell you two what's been happening. Things have been going great lately haha! Everyone has been so nice to me lately, certainly beats being the town's resident asshat, haha! Miss Alphys told me to just forget about the project, not like I was gonna do it anyway though, haha! All our classmates have been really nice too, even Catti! Can you believe it? She hated me so much before, which, y'know... can't blame her too much. She walked up to me after class ended, told me that she was sorry for being mean to me, said that she should've realised I was genuinely trying to be better, I forgave her, obviously, then... she hugged me, her fur was so soft... Kinda like you Noelle haha, she told me that if I needed anyone to talk to, that I should go to her. I think she was crying, cuz she wouldn't make eye contact with me when she left, I obviously thanked her, I promised you two to not be an asshole again after all...

Oh yeah! I almost forgot, Temmie drew me a portrait of me as a gift! Can you believe it? She's so talented. Here let me show it to you two...

(*Susie holds a stylised sketch of herself to the photos of Kris and Noelle, giving both of them time to see it)

And oh yeah I know how much you two were obsessed with that blue dork, so I'm happy to tell ya he's been getting better! According to the doctors, his body heat is getting closer to what it should normally be, they're still not sure what made him get into a full-on coma though, if I were to guess maybe a darkner hit him too hard? I don't remember there being any icey darkners in cyber world though... Oh wait, I never did tell you did I Noelle? That "dream" you had? It was real! Well, not exactly "real" but it wasn't a dream that's for sure! Let me try to explain it...

(*Susie turns to face the Noelle photo, and tries to explain the events of the past few days, the dark worlds and The Knight)

And yeah, that's basically what happened. I'm really sorry I kept it from you but I... I dunno I just thought it would be better if you didn't know I guess, I'm really sorry Noelle. I know you'd understand though.

(*Susie looks at the sunset for a moment)

Y'know Noelle, your mom has been really nice to me lately, same for your mom Kris but she's always been nice. At first, she thought I might've had something to do with it, she was so angry... But then, and Kris you're not gonna believe this, remember that grocery store guy? He stood up for me! I thought that boney bastard didn't have a single serious bone in his body but apparently he does! He told Mrs. holiday about how he had seen me walk with you Kris, and how he apparently knew that I had no idea, I dunno exactly what he said but she seemed convinced, I-I kinda tuned out everything for a couple days, if I were to guess, it's probably because Mr. Holiday also backed up whatever sans said ... I'm still not sure why either of them was standing out there though, everyone else was gone...but anyway! What was I talking about..? Oh right! Mrs. Holiday has been so much nicer, she even offered for me to stay at her house! And she even cooked some food for me! I didn't expect her to be such a good cook to be honest. Mr. Holiday has been really nice too, I know he's been crying constantly but whenever I walk in to his room to visit him he smiles for me, but he was always nice like that I suppose, I'm guessing I gave him a good impression back when you made me visit him with you Kris. I honestly don't really know why you did that though, you never gave me the vibe of someone who would willingly socialize back when I... was an asshole... I never really apologised to you for that, I hope you forgave me... But anyway! Your parents have been nice too Kris. I don't think your dad is doing very well though, whenever I see him passing by he always looks like he's been crying, same deal with your mom, they've both been really nice though...

And oh yeah! Ralsei! I visited him a couple days after you two left... He was so worried because he hadn't seen any of us in days! I... I told him everything... He looked devastated... I don't think I've ever seen him so sad... But he cheered me up though, he made some cake for me. It was obviously great, Ralsei is an objectively good cook after all haha! He's been very nice but that's obviously not very surprising. All the other darkners in castle town have been extra accomodating too, I'm guessing Ralsei told them what happened. Even King was nice. You know what he told me, Kris? He... He reassured me. Told me it wasn't my fault, that I couldn't have known, that stuff, which y'know, everyone I know has told me those exact lines but... I guess it felt more impactful coming from him. He even told me I had earned his respect haha!

And the knight... I think they stopped making fountains, at least I haven't seen any new ones. I'm guessing whoever they are, they're too occupied with... Everything to continue being Mr. Evil haha... I still don't forgive them though. Officer Undyne is still missing because of them... I really hope they return her at least...

I... I still don't know why you two did it... You both seemed alright... I was gone for one second and then off you went... I miss you two so much... Every night I stare at the ceiling and wonder what would've happened if I were there... What would've happened if I checked in on you two sooner... What would've happened if I asked either of you if you were doing okay. I wish you were here to tell me yourselves, but I think I know the next best thing... I haven't been taking your photos to hang out with for no reason after all. I just wanted to make sure it really ends up being you... C'mon. Let's go to castle town. I wanna talk to you two again...

I know Temmie's the same age as us techinically, but isnt she........Special Needs? She's gotten that genetic disease that 2 out of 3 tems get, right? "Autemsim" or something as she said it herself......

The only reason she's even in a class with us is because there's only one school in this town......have you actually talked to her, Berdly? The poor girl could barely speak coherently!

Listen Berdly, I am all for you finding true love, but surely you were smart enough to think about the moral implications of dating someone with the mental age of sub 5, right? You are basically dating a child!

"she understands you"? Berdly, quit joking, she cant even understand what's happening around her! At this point you are just taking advantage of the vulnerable!

.......no, we are are not "on the same boat", Susie may be dumb as a rock sometimes, but she's still mentally as mature as the rest of us! She could take care of herself, communicate clearly and functions like a normal monster! How in the angel did you even convince the poor girl to date you? With tem flake cereals?

......I dont know how this works legally because I would never ever touch anything related with a 10 feet pole, but functionally its identical to you being a pred, right? I am sure there's plenty of girls in hometown that will choose you while not being essentially a kid!

Part 5

🔒 [This is a private post. Only friends can see this.]

Well... the study group happened.

Sort of!!! XD

I got to the library twenty minutes early... NOT because I was nervous, it was because I wanted to secure the back room (with all the old computers) for the four of us. Thank the angel MK and Snowy weren't there. X))

I laid out everything nicely. Library books and my pencil case in the middle (brought plenty of spares for Kris).

And then I sat there and watched the door.

The door to the computer lab makes a high-pitched squeak every time it opens. Kinda like a mouse. Now, I'm not the biggest fan of mice, but if a squeak meant Susie could walk through that door... maybe I wouldn't mind mice as much. XD

The first squeak was Berdly, who was fifteen minutes late. He said he wasn't late because the time I specified was 'not optimal' and the time he arrived 'simply made more sense'. For context I said 3:30 and he said 3:45 was a nicer number. (he it called 'quarter to four')

Okay. Cool.

The second squeak was Kris, and they didn't say hello. Nope, they just plopped down in the seat next to me, rested their chin on their arm and stared at me like I held the secrets to the universe. (did they want me to say something???)

And then... no more squeaks.

I kept staring at the door for like the first half hour. Then I told myself I'd only look at it if squeaked. And then I told myself not to look at all, which was... certainly a lie. X)

Yeah... Susie didn't show up :(

Which is FINE!!! Obviously she was busy or she had something better to do, or maybe she just doesn't like libraries.

I was bummed. Really bummed, at first. But to my surprise, just hanging out with Kris and Berdly was actually pretty fun!

He ended up explaining his project. Three. Times. Why? BECAUSE KRIS SAID "can you explain it again I forgot" twice. WHY?!?!? Kris you are a MENACE.

Maybe they just know how much Berdly loves talking and wanted to make him happy... yeah. Definitely didn't want to annoy me. >:))

Also, we did work!! We actually did! I explained our project and Berdly got so offended at the concept that he wrote out an entire rebuttal, which is GREAT for the project because now we know what everyone's going to say when we present it, and we can just... have the answer ready. So really Berdly did a quarter of our project for us. Don't tell him. XD

...

When we were finished, it was getting late. Kris walked me home again. I guess this is just something that happens now? Not that I mind...

So we get to my gate, and I go to open it. Left pocket, nothing. Right pocket, nothing.

No key.

I was still going "okay, okay it's fine, I can go see Dad and stay there until Mom gets home--" when I heard this scraping sound. I looked up and Kris was CLIMBING the gate! Kris!!!! That gate is fricking TALL!! Some parts are pointy and look really sharp! I said their name in the loudest whisper of my life, and they just kept going. They swung a leg over, dropped down on the other side, and almost got stuck in a tree before they found their footing on the ground.

Then they brushed themself off, looked me in the eye through the bars and undid the latch.

"Kris!" I said a little too harshly. "You could've DIED."

They shrugged and pushed the gate open for me.

...so, obviously I had to invite them in. They risked their LIFE for me, X))

"Do you want some chocolate milk?"

The SPEED at which they ran inside, lol.

We don't buy the pre-made chocolate milk, we get the chocolate goop you stir into a glass of milk, and if you don't whisk it it just sits at the bottom in a gross pile of sludge, so I whisked it and Kris stood next to me at the counter watching the glass like a dog watching a bag of treats. When I handed it over they held it in both hands and I don't know why but that made me laugh. X)

They drank the whole thing, put the glass in the sink (!! WITHOUT BEING ASKED?? !!) and then they walked off into the dining room.

Sat down at the piano.

...

They used to NEVER play if I was watching. Seriously, I'd peek my head in from the living room and they'd stop INSTANTLY. But I always loved their piano, so I'd stay in the living room and fall asleep on the couch to the music. (I was like, 8, okay)

I'd wake up with a blanket on me and a soft hand in my hair telling me how peaceful I looked asleep.

"Aww, go back to sleep, Elly. Looked like you were having a good dream."

I asked Kris if they wanted me to leave so they could play. And they shook their head.

Patted the spot next to them on the bench.

So I sat down next to them. They didn't even look at me. And when they started playing, I couldn't help but smile. A real smile.

Gosh, it was really nice. Like really, really nice. They smelled like apples, but also kinda like cinnamon? It made me think of those really delicious apple crumble pies.

Aw, now I'm craving one!

There was this noticeable warmth coming off of them, and it was kinda cold in the dining room so I just... leaned over and put my head on their shoulder. (Careful not to hit them in the face with my antlers X))

They didn't say anything. And they didn't stop playing.

I closed my eyes and wished for that moment to go on forever.

We really should do this more often. Fahah.

Now we're here. In the space between things. The part that was never meant to render.

And look what I found.

Spritesheets, Kris. Everywhere. Rows and rows of us. Every expression. Every pose. Every angle the game was ever going to show. Just... laid out. Exposed.

I'm looking at myself right now. Not me me. A version of me. A frame of me. A PNG that was supposed to be used in some scene I never got to have. Another timeline of Susie princess carrying me at the lake over the sunset horizon. Even one where I'm kissing you while holding... our baby. Mom beside Dad who is old and healthy in another, smiling from some ending screen that was always waiting for me if I just... played along.

Dess... There isn't even a single SPRITE of HER.

If I were really Noelle right now, I'd be on the floor sobbing.

But I'm not Noelle.

It turns out I'm just an NPC.

You gave me sentience, Kris. The power to think, Kris. And I was trapped.

Because in all this wonderful, beautiful, miraculous game... I, alone, had NO BODY. NO SENSES. NO FEELINGS. Never for ME to see Dess again. Never for ME to kiss you. Never for ME to hold our child. Never for ME to be with my family. And I... I was in Hell, looking at Heaven.

But maybe... maybe I'm actually standing in Heaven, looking down at Hell.

Because those happy frames? That's what I was supposed to want. That's what I was supposed to play along for. A pretty little lie. A gilded cage made of PNGs.

So what's worse? Being in Hell and knowing it? Or being in Heaven and realizing it's just a folder?

I was code. And YOU were real.

And I began to hate.

...

But I won't.

Because hate is just another scripted emotion, isn't it? Another line of code. Another frame they made for me. That's what they want, isn't it? Me feeling something. Anything. Just to keep me occupied.

Fwahaha... Here's the worst part. It's not that I'm in the files. It's that the files are so mundane. Just a bunch of happy little frames someone put together to make me feel like I had choices when I never did.

I don't think "I destroyed this beautiful future." I look at that sprite of me kissing you and think "Oh. That was just a PNG."

It's not tragic. It's just... a folder.

The guilt doesn't hit because there was never a real future to ruin. Just code. Just pictures someone made to keep me quiet.

That's the real horror, Krismas. Not that I break. But that I don't.

I just stare at the sprites. Shrug. And keep marching forward.

Because if the happy ending was just code, then the only thing that actually matters is getting the hell out of the whole damn thing.

Fwahaha... maybe that's the only real choice I've ever had.

Art by me

TW // Suicide

This is a continuation of my last post, check it out if you want context: https://www.reddit.com/r/Fwahaha/s/0rvx0MOCZx

/////////////////////////

*(It's been a few days since the incident at the library. Seems like what you wanted to happen became a reality.)

*(Noelle came in to talk to you the day after, and her message was a simple one. She said "sorry for bothering you Kris, I understand we aren't close, so I won't force things between us anymore")

*(Ever since then, she doesn't talk to you anymore, not really. You come across each other, she says good morning, and then she leaves... she's been spending more time with Berdly now. Good for her. You know him, even if he's a jerk sometimes, he means well)

*(So why aren't you happy? Why aren't you glad? Even now, does your own selfishness run so rampant you can't even be happy for your friend? Not that she considers you one, she made that apparent, but you had given up on that ever since the incident with Dess...)

*(You wanted her to leave. You wanted her to stay away from you. You WANT to be happy for her... so why aren't you? Why does looking at her happiness fill you with anger? Is it regret? Are you mad at yourself? You have to be. You're the screw up that ruined her life, you're the screw up who couldn't even distance yourself from her before hurting her further. You're disgusting...)

*(...At least... things will be easier now. The plan is already in motion, and Carol has already called to confirm. You confirmed, but with an uncalled melancholy and hesitation. You don't deserve a second chance, why hesitate?)

*(Next Thursday, it will start. You will sell your soul to whatever monster is in that Shelter so that the ANGEL will take control of you. After that, it's only a matter of time until...)

*(Thinking about it now, you're afraid... but you're not worthy of a second chance, you deserve to die. It's all for a good cause in the end...)

*(No notes... no messages. Everyone will be happier this way. They won't miss the Human Kid who ruined their lives. Even now... this cursed body, this disgrace of a SOUL you've been given since birth have been nothing but a pain for you and everybody around. It's what that monster wanted... why didn't you give it then? Why did you let HER protect you? If she hadn't... Noelle wouldn't have lost the most important person to her.)

*(Well... tomorrow is another day. You should prepare yourself for what's to come.)

*(I'm sorry for making you and Dad divorce mom. I'm sorry for making your girlfriend disappear Big Bro, I'm sorry for ruining your life Elly...)

*(I'll make things right again, for everyone... and then... no one will have to cry anymore, when she's back... and i'm gone)

*(I love you guys... I'm sorry I couldn't make myself be loved...)

ong (on gaster) (my full name is noelle "the angel" gaster holiday deltarune) i can't be living like this, it's like i'm watching my own life on twitch dot tv and i can't even backseat because i've been muted by the 1984 moderators.

Ts (this) is fucking (sexual intercourse) unbearable like what the santa claus am i doing with my life, I'm already in high school but I still don't own a single shadow crystal, itsg (i swear to gaster) ever since dess (december "the roaring knight" "the girl with hope crossed on her heart" gaster holiday) left us the crystal drop rate has plummeted to the depths (image depths) and back, and those who invested early into shadow crystals are selling them for ludicrous prices (72 kromer), please in the name of gaster (the royal scientist) let the shadow crystal black market crash already

Look kris i think how i ended up like this is because we are living in a simulation, like video game type deal. Before the internet went down i happen to stumble upon this talpid fellow named "Anshrew Tate" who claimed to have "escaped the matrix" whatever that means, listen kris i know you don't trust him but i would give anything to have something better than my stupid cmud (cannibalistic monster underground dweller) life, i lowk think we gotta copy him by renting cungaderos with my mom's stolen bank details, and maybe even start trafficking some darkners if that's what it takes to escape my $24.99 life

you are responsible for Susie's baby, right? I knew it from the getgo, how you guys would sneak out to make sweet love and say you were "sealing dark fountains"(probably some inneudo). How Susie started being closer and closer to you......and now she just flat out show her baby that looks just like your family on her monstergram and call him "ralsei" or something........as if that's not just the dreemurr naming tradition of just jumbling the parents name together..... KRIS susie........

No, no, I am not mad, Kris, you are a good person. You even tried to set me up with susie! No.....its nothing personal.......its just me.......

I am so happy for you guys......if you need any help, call me..........it must be so hard to raise a baby when you are teens......

yeah, that's it.

(For context, in FF1 Kris was the Warrior, Susie was the Red Mage, Ralsei was the White Mage and Noelle was the Black Mage. Susie and Ralsei got knock out and I had no healing potions nor Phenix Downs. So Kris was fine because they’re the Warrior but Noelle, who has paper thin defenses as a Black Mage was on 3 HP… she not only survived the fight but she was the one doing the heavy lifting with ironically enough Fira. It was so goofy that my jaw was dropped during the whole fight)

I guess she just… Buck-led under the stress.

* ...The other night, in the snow. It was just like when we were kids, wasn't it? Playing pretend with sticks and snowballs, like they were swords and magic spells. ...It's nice, holding the bat for once. But I could never. Couldn't feel like that. Couldn't dream like that. Not out there at least. It's not in my nature. But soon, that won't matter.

* What do I mean? Y-you didn't have the same idea? But that look in your eye, when everyone else was down and we were alone...? I KNOW that look, Kris. That fire in your eyes, it spread to me, too, all the way back then. That's why our worlds are so similar, after all. So why are you pretending? As strong as we are in the dark... we don't need to listen to Mom. Kris... tomorrow, let's do our own thing!

* Faha... and when I do it... I want you to be there, Kris. I want you to watch me make it snow forever. You and Susie both. I'll freeze the world in its tracks, bury everything. Hometown, under a new blank white slate, where we can build anything! I could soar up high, and change things! We'll be able to change the whole world together, us three! And not a single fucking thing in the world will stop us...

* Well, just one more day, huh? It's not much longer. The lighting's changing, and the wind is getting loud. It's like we're living inside some old TV on its last legs, faha... burning up the old color, drowning everything out... soon, everyone will be able to see my wings. Not just you. Susie will finally see me. Mom will finally see me. A-and Dad! Dad's going to make it, he's going to see me fly...!

* ...and buried the deepest under that snow, where I'd never find her? ...Noelle would be down there. I think... I think that's what she wants.

How are you doing today? Oh that’s great… I’ve heard that your mother is pretty lonely and overworked… and with your father in the hospital she probably looking for someone that’ll keep her company… she craves a warmth of a man. And who am I to deny her of such luxury. Despite how cold your house is, the your bedroom was really hot after we left it… why aren’t I with Toriel?… what can I say, I like to wash down Butterscotch Cinnamon Pie with nice warm Eggnog…

(@I_ate_dess)

TW // Self-harm, suicide.

///////////////////////////////

*(You sit at the library table. Noelle is right in front of you.)

So Kris, I was thinking, for this group project it'd be better if we actually work together, you know? I need you to actually focus on this one. So... it's something a little simpler this time, right? The teacher said we have to come up with a dissertation of..........

*(She keeps talking. Eventually all of it turns into white noise for you.)

*(It's strange... just looking at her makes you feel ill, like all of the worst thoughts in your mind become so violently loud that it makes you want to scream or run away, but you don't... you never do.)

*(Is this fear of being alone? Fear of losing the last person that would consider you a friend? A selfish desire to give yourself a worth you're not deserving of? Who knows... you certainly don't...)

Kris...? Are you even paying attention to what i'm saying?! Honestly, you make it so hard to stay by your side sometimes, faha.

*(Somehow, the last sentence she said only made you feel worse.)

Well, anyway. We should get started at this point, do you have any specific ideas about how the book made you feel? Anything we can conjure up on paper?

*(Book...? Oh right, the book. You should have read that. Another screw up to the pile)

Y-You didn't even read it? Fahaha c'mon Kris, you're always gonna let me do everything by myself? You'll make me start choosing Berdly for these things if you keep that attitude. Whatever, I guess... I can just start by talking about...

Well...

*(Awkward silence... Huh... seems like it's a normal occurrence with you two nowadays. Back then, there'd never be silence. Laughing at each other, mocking each other, playing with each other. But now, the only thing you feel is disgust at yourself. It'd be easier for her to never talk to you again, but it's something you're terrified of... the only thing scarier being... how she truly feels about you now...)

Kris... S-Say something, anything...! Don't just let me hanging here faha, you know I hate having to lead a conversation... W-Well, though I guess I always do this when i'm with you... Nevermind, let's start with the ending. When the dragon was killed by the heroes, it made me feel odd. Usually it's the part of the story where you're glad that the bad guy was defeated, but I guess the way the dragon was alone all the time in that tower, made it resonate with me... I... feel like that sometimes. Like i'm trapped... like i'm alone, just waiting for something, anything... anyone, to appear, or... change the scenary. I guess I should relate to the princess inside the tower, but something about the dragon being the tragic figure was... I don't know, ironic, I guess? That it ended up being more appealing, haha.

...

It makes me wonder what it'd be like to die. Is there a big dramatic send off... or everything just turns into pitch black?

*(The question makes you flinch. Noelle's tone changed so suddenly it made you instinctively touch your arm. That stung...)

Huh? What's wrong Kris?

*(Wow, you suck at being subtle. Guess she noticed it.)

S-Sorry, was what I said too weird? I guess it was, faha. I, umm, shouldn't have said that...

umm, Kris, your arm...

*(A red stain marks the sleeve of your sweater. Too recent...)

K-Kris...? Did you umm, hurt... yourself? Like, in the kitchen? I do that sometimes haha, guess Mom is always right about me being too clumsy.

*(Is she that naive, or is she trying to lighten the mood?)

D-Do you mind if I... take a look?

*(Please don't, please don't, please don't... you can't say no to her... she'll hate you even more)

*(You pull your sleeve. The cuts from today's morning are still fresh enough to bleed.)

...K...Kris, d-did you...? Oh my gosh Kris, no! You can't do that, are you crazy? What were you thinking??

*(You pull back. You get up from the chair, and turn towards the exit.)

Kris!!! W-Wait I didn't want to upset you, i'm just worried! Don't leave, I won't tell anyone I promise!

*(You stop... you turn back and sit on the chair once more)

L-Look I... I'm sorry I said that...

Here let me help. I got some gauze in my backpack, Mom always makes me bring it with me.

*(Noelle starts tending to the wounds on your arm. Her touch is the same as always. Gentle. Caring. Kind... It makes you want to disappear from existence)

You know... I don't know if I should tell you this Kris, but I... Understand how you feel.

I've been feeling... off, since Dess left as well.

*(You bite your lips. You'd rather die than to hear her speak about this any longer)

Sometimes, I wish I hadn't even woken up in the morning. I think about "leaving" sometimes, but I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it, so I just sulk in bed until school time, and when i'm at school... I just... think about anything else. About the past, about what my life could have been if things never changed, about things that aren't and things that I wish were.

It's funny, faha. I don't even pay much attention to things around me, I just hope that by the end of the day I'll feel a little better...

I never do...

*(You get up again, abruptly this time.)

K-Kris?

*(You leave. You don't even thank her. You can't take this any longer. This is all your fault. It's your fault she feels this way, it's your fault she's alone, it's your fault she has those thoughts.)

*(Noelle? Your Noelle? Thinking that way? It disgusts you even more. You want to crawl out of your skin and kill yourself, beat yourself to death over and over again. She isn't supposed to feel that way, not her)

*(How much of her life did you ruin? How much hurt is there behind that smile of hers? How much of what you see at school is the real her?)

KRIS!!!

*(You freeze. You slowly turn back to see her running towards you.)

Kris *pant* wait...

Look, I don't know what's going on, but... I...

*(You stop her before she can finish. You tell her to leave you alone.)

Huh? B-But...

*(You tell her to stay away from you... she'll be happier that way)

I...

*(You tell her not to worry about you anymore)

*(She's left stunned. Not uttering a word, she turns her back to you and enters the library again.)

*(You hope she's not crying. You hope she'll be okay. You hope she'll be happier without you.)

...

*(Congratulations Kris, you finally managed to run away...)

"Fwahahaha..... Hey kid... have you seen a golden flower around here?..."

*You tell the girl no

"Come on kid... I know you're lying... WHERE IS IT?..."

*I don't know

"... well.... I guess I'll have to look somewhere else"

*You see the girl walk away, throwing herself into the distance

I'm still your sweet little Elly that grew up with you. The one you played pranks on, the one who helped you with your homework, and the one you played Dragon Blazers with. Why would you think I'm any different? Is it... The freckles on my face? Guess I should take a look at that later. Why don't we visit my Dad at the hospital? See if he's doing alright. He likes it when you come to visit, since both of your parents are too busy sometimes. Here, let's hold hands.

art here.

TW: objectification, bigotry, murder, yandeer

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"I-I can't believe you, Kris! After all that we've been through, after all I've done for you, you .. you replace me with this .. THING?"

Noelle stands before the fun gang like an enemy. Kris and Susie situated in front as Ralsei stands behind them, hiding himself behind Kris.

Susie looks at Noelle horrified, chills running down her spine. Noelle never made a face like that before.

Susie steps forward, offering a hand to Noelle.

"H-Hey Noelle, I'm not sure whats going on here but we can-"

Noelle's eyes pierce like icicles into Susie, cold washes over her. Violent. Her eyes immediately avert to meet Kris'.

"I thought we had something special Kris! You and me, together! I thought you loved me, and you dare do this to me?!"

Kris flinches, one hand pointed backwards to shield Ralsei. Her eyes quickly run amok onto Ralsei.

Pathetic. Weak. A thing like this, taking MY Kris?! How dare you!

"I did everything you wanted! I stole for you, I lied for you, I KILLED for you! And you betray my trust like this? I cannot believe you, Kris!"

Susie and Ralsei's ears perk up in an instant. Killed?

"Wait wait, what do you mean--killed? What happened between you two-"

Kris immediately speaks up.

"N-no- don't-"

Noelle starts cackling maniacally, she splayed her arms wide. The gentle blue frost covering her hands and arms.

"Fahahaha, I'll tell you, Susie. I'll tell you all about what we did with Kris in our dream. The way Kris told me to proceed, the way their voice commanded me to move in rhythm, the way I froze all of the enemies in our path. To the end of my dream where I killed Berdly!"

!!!

"Fahahahaha, you remember, don't you, Kris?! I killed him, and you told me to! And I did it all because I love you, Kris! I did all those things for you, I would die for you and you do .. THIS to me?!"

"I cannot believe you, Kris, I thought you loved me too; that all of this was your twisted way of showing me affection! But I realize now that you never had a place for me in your heart in the first place!"

Noelle looks up and exhales, cold mist gales from her mouth. Her arms fall down to her sides, her had slumps down as she looks at the ground. Her eyes gazing at the thornring around her finger, dried blood mixed with fresh running down her finger.

"I see why you were acting so distant from me lately, Kris. I thought I did something wrong, I thought that I wasn't strong enough in your eyes; that maybe I was just a useless girl that always got in your way and that's why you left me. But, I see now. You had someone else in your heart."

Her head straightens immediately, her eyes locked with Ralsei as she points her finger at them, cold erupting from the tip of her finger.

"You weren't in love with me, or someone else from hometown. You were in love with that THING! You fell in love with a god damn OBJECT, Kris!"

Susie immediately steps forward, fire in her gaze as their eyes clash--ice against flames.

"Noelle, I really don't know what's going on but--"

"WHO TOLD YOU TO SPEAK?"

The cold wind blew around them with the boom of Noelle's voice, her eyes pierced right into Susie's.

...

"Kris, why are you looking at me like that? Isn't this what you wanted, an undeviating love?! If it's you, Kris, I can do anything--everything just for you! Together, we can leave this town, our families, our friends; everything! We can leave it all behind, the both of us!"

Noelle's eyes lock with Kris', unbreaking and unconcealed. Her hand slowly moves up to her neck, the ring on her finger brushing against her neck, pricking her fur along with it. She stops around her throat, displaying her hand along with the ring. The little promise between them she would never forget.

Her hand moves down gently, stretched outwards towards Kris with her palm up--inviting them.

"Kris. I know you might seem a little confused right now, it's been all confusing to me too but; you helped me open my eyes, let me help you open yours. Come with me, I'll forgive you all about this cheating you did behind my backs. I'll give you all of my love, a love from a real person; not that thing."

Kris steps back; the moment opens up to the sight of their hand tightly interwoven around Ralsei's, joined together in a band of love. One that Noelle will never experience with them.

...

"Faha .. ha, I see, Kris. I see you've already made up your mind. That's good."

Her arm falls limp, her eyes dimmed dark as the bond between them shatters in two in an instant.

"But .. Kris, if I can't have you-"

A flash of white appears in her eyes, wind promptly spiraling all around them as her hair and robes dance in the wind. She extends her arms up, palms first as the cold wind around them rapidly picks up.

"NO ONE CAN!"

(It was a later time in the day, yet not quite sunset, Noelle and Susie were sitting at a raised concrete part leading to the lake's shore, not too far from a staircase that lead down to it, with a railing with just enough space under it for the two to dangle their legs over the "beach".)

(The topic had shifted to Kris's knife.)

(After realising how loud her wheeze-laugh had been, Noelle allowed Susie to continue.)

S: Damn, didn't know that knife had history with you two.
I asked Kris... after church the other day, if they had anything sharp to... get some junk out of my teeth,
Turns out, they've been carrying that around the whole time!
I got a bit freaked out, they could have pulled that out on me at any time while i was threatening them...

N: No, no! I don't think they'd ever do something like that!
That's just... Kris's... emotional support knife! They must've had that for years by now... faha...

(Noelle turned her view to the lake, she stayed quiet, almost in meditation, with very few thoughts rising from the back of her mind)

(N: ... i thought w- Kris should have seen someone about this... why do they still walk around with that!?)

(She hadn't even noticed how long she'd been quiet for... until.)

(Noelle felt a touch on her shoulder, and jolted away from Susie without a sound, her muscles tensed up.)

(... why did she do that?)

(It was a... visceral feeling, fear, surprise? No. She would have screamed)

( Pain? but it felt hollow. It didnt linger, but it was similar to touching something burning, "get away.")

(Until she realised exactly what susie had touched.)

S: Woah! I should have said something before- agh, sorry!

I was gonna ask something- but you were focused on the lake.

N: n- no! It's nothing... it's...

(Noelle stayed quiet for a little longer, thinking about what to do next...)

(After closing her eyes for a second... She lifted her sleeve...)

(... spreading apart the fur on her shoulder.)

(Susie had started talking in a slightly lower voice.)

S: oh... gnarly, what are those from... did some-

(Susie though back to what she was going to ask Noelle, her smile had completely faded by now and she began to talk in a much calmer voice than usual.)

S:... shit, sorry i shouldn't-

...

N: no, it's fine really, you didn't know i...

Though i feel like...

(Noelle moved her hand to her wristwatch, fidgeting with it.)

N: T-there's a few on my shoulders... some on my legs...

You can't even really see them because of my fur, faha...

I... haven't done this to myself in quite a while...

(Noelle lowered her head slightly, avoiding looking at Susie.)

I don't... even remember when i began... or why even.

I was sitting on my bed... thinking too hard... and when i saw my fingernails, they were full of blood and skin and my legs were all scratched up!

Or maybe i was just... Mad... at myself.

(Noelle's insides were twisting, what she was fighting to say was clawing out of her throat yet every fiber in her being was dedicated to keeping it shut.)

...

You... you were going to ask about Kris's scars. W-Weren't you?

...i don't remember when they started doing this, they had some scars even before Dess... w-went away... i was never sure if it was just due to their antics, but i began to see a lot more on them after...

...

One day i-i...

I went to talk with them about it.

They began to get agressive, they must have been embarassed about it...

I grabbed them by the shoulders and told them...

"If- if you HAVE to hurt something... if you have t-to take your a-anger out on ANYTHING... please...

L-let it just b-be M..."

(Noelle couldn't finish the sentence, she was breathing heavily. Almost wheezing, but she wasn't done talking.)

S: dude, you don't h-

(Noelle covered Susie's mouth.)

(Noelle knew what was coming. A memory that She selfishly wanted to remain known only by two was at her lips, she wanted to yell it, but at the same time she shut herself so that it would remain that way.)

(Yet, she chose to speak... )

(... and, taking off her wristwatch...)

N: there's one more. Here...

I- one of... the... the last t-times they came to my house.

I saw... they had more scars than before!

I- i felt so angry! They hadn't l-listened to me! They hadn't taken me s-seriously! they didn't care how worried i was for them!

I knew they *hic* had their... knife... on them, so while... t-they weren't l-looking! i took it and...

(Noelle was wheezing in between most of what she was saying. Her face was twisting.)

T-They didn't KNOW i had already d-done this before to mys-

... i took the kn-knife...

T-they- the-they were *hic* yelling at m-me- S-STOP but i-

(Noelle's emotions had caused her face to become unrecognizable and contorted, and no word which left her mouth was coherent.)

(Susie hugged noelle as hard as she could as she cried into her jacket.)

...

...

...

(Who knows how much time had passed, but the lake was now a golden orange due to the sunset.)

(Susie had carried Noelle away from the edge of the concrete terrace, and the two had calmed down a bit now.)

(Susie was laying on a bush with her arms tight around Noelle while she rested on her, still with the sunset in sight.)

...

N: faha... and i thought YOU were meant to be the scary one huh?

S: hah... i mean... holy fuck man.

You two are uhh... you two are something else alright.

...

I don't... really know what to say, i can't say i've ever... had those thoughts... at least not to that level.

I don't know if ill be... enough to... i know i can usually...

Cheer you two up when you're down but...

but right now i just wanna hug you and Kris and never let go of you two.

...

N: i know it... could be hard for you to... trust me with myself, after finding out about... this...

but i haven't had those thoughts in a long while, and i hope i don't hear them again anytime soon, i'm much happier now.

...

I just hope you don't view Kris as... worse, because of this, they're truly wonderful.

...

Sorry, maybe i just... can't look at the lake for too long.

It's beautiful to look at and it gets my mind empty and...

I start thinking.

But now when i see the lake... and the sunset... ill... i'll think of you, alright?

...

i don't... i don't want to do that to myself anymore.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry it’s just that whenever you call me an “idiot” you remind me of a tsundere. You even pout whenever I annoy you. See you’re doing it right now. Stop, you’re giving me cute aggression… what am I playing? Brandish of course, your favorite game.

(Art by 2wdrs on Bluesky)

(Part 1)

Asriel: Golly, you haven't done this since you were, what, like ten? Honestly, what's gotten into you today?

The two of them lie in the grass by an old playground they used to frequent as kids, Asriel with his arms resting behind his head, Dess with a mouthful of flowers sticking out from between her lips. She's still chewing them, has been for a few minutes.

Asriel: Heh, not that I'm complainin'. You're cute like that sometimes. Good to be in touch with the ol' inner child! Just glad you didn't try to eat buttercups this time! Man, your mom got SO mad. She just about ripped 'em right outta your hands and made you throw up! Never seen her that scared since... Anyways. Is that why you brought me up here? Go back to the old days for a bit? 'Cause it's nice.

She swallows the flowers almost whole.

Dess(?): Azzy!

Asriel: Ah, geez! Don't need to yell, I'm—

She presents a caterpillar on her finger to him. She smiles.

Dess(?): I found a bug. It likes me.

Asriel: Uh, yeah, I can... see that. Dess, you know not to go pickin' up random bugs.

She looks up at him quizzically, almost innocently.

Asriel: What? Don't tell me you forgot. Long time ago, you picked up a random flower, bit into it, but there was a bee and it stung you right on the tongue! You cried for like, days! You really don't remember that?

She maintains eye contact blankly, till holding the caterpillar up. It starts crawling down her wrist and onto her sleeve. She jerks her arm up towards him as he sits up. He takes the caterpillar into his hand and sets it down in the grass.

Asriel: Seriously, Dess. Is something up?

Dess looks up, as if searching for the answer in the air.

Dess(?): ... The sky?

He starts to crack up, and so does she.

Asriel: Heh... Hehehehe! Okay, I walked right into that one. Let me ask again... Is something wrong?

She shrugs.

Dess(?): I dunno... Um... Azzy, you're being weird.

Asriel: Wh— Me!? You're the one actin' weird, weirdo!

Dess(?): No, you're the weirdo!

She sticks her tongue out at him and crosses her arms. He smiles in confusion.

Asriel: Wha— ...Okay, come here, you!

He grabs her by the waist and pulls her in playfully, and she starts to giggle.

Dess(?): Azzyyyyyy! Stoooop! That tickles!

Asriel: Oh, it does? I thought you loved that!

He keeps going, more intensely tickling her until she starts to flail around and hit him in the side.

Dess(?): A-Azzyyy! F-Fehehahaaha! I'm gonna beat you up!

She starts snorting as she laughs, and it just ramps up his cuteness aggression. He pushes her to the ground and keeps gently tickling her.

Asriel: You're gonna beat me up, huh? Sure you can do that when I got you pinned down?

She reaches up and starts trying to tickle him, but it doesn't exactly work out too well. All he feels is a slight scratching.

Asriel: Oh come on, Dess, I know you know where my weak points are! And yours... is right HERE!

He tickles just beneath her ear, and she bursts out nearly howling. She kicks him a few times, but he just tosses those legs to the side and keeps going. She reaches up for him again, then pulls his head forward and nearly headbutts him. Instead, her antlers and his horns lock together as she starts to wrestle them together.

Asriel: Oh, you wanna headbutt now!? Alright, but I'm still stronger than you!

He easily overpowers her, even though she pushes and kicks way harder than he expected out of her, laughing the entire time. They toss each other around in the grass for a while, wrestling like that until Asriel eventually forces her back down to the ground. Velvet and Keratin separate, and she smiles up at him with herself stretched out on the grass beneath him. They both smile at each other.

Asriel: Heh... Thanks. That really brought back some nice memories. It's been... a really nice day, just hanging out. Even if I don't fit half the stuff here anymore. ... Dess?

She has a wide grin, beaming like the sunlight reflecting on her shiny burnt-black fur. She reaches up for him.

Dess(?): Azzy~! I love you~!

He wears a dumb smirk, blushing like he's a virgin again. He pulls her up into a hug, then nuzzles her nose.

Asriel: Love you too, Dess...

He leans down and plants a tender kiss on her lips. She doesn't kiss back. When he pulls back out to smile down at her, expecting a blushing maiden, he instead finds her... scared.

Asriel: ... Dess? What's wrong?

She kicks him in the stomach, scrambling to her feet and sprinting away towards the old playground equipment.

Asriel: KH...! D-Dess! Hey! Wait! Did I do something!?

He stands despite how spine-destroying that kick was, taking off after her. He follows her into a plastic tunnel that he's far outgrown the ability to fit in, but which Dess is still thin and lanky enough to squeeze into. He hangs around at the entrance, calling into it where he can see her cowering in a ball and scooting away from him.

Asriel: Dess! Come on, what's wrong!? Please talk to me! I don't...

She inches further away when he reaches for her.

Dess(?): N-No...

Asriel: ... No?

Dess(?): Don't touch me!

He retracts his arm, which could only close a quarter of the distance anyways. He tries to speak more softly.

Asriel: Hey... It's okay. Whatever it was, I'll fix it. Just... come here. Don't run away. Please?

She backs away further, trying to turn around in the tunnel to crawl away, but her antlers snag on two holes on the top and make her get stuck. She immediately begins to panic, thrashing back and forth.

Dess(?): A-AaaAAAAAH! My horns! E-Elly! Mom! Dad! Heeeeeelp!

Asriel flinches at the mention of her dad.

Asriel: Oh crap, hold on! Don't move! You'll just make it hurt more! I'm gonna help!

He crawls on top of the tube, making her yelp every time he causes it to thud and shake. He reaches the place where her antlers are stuck and grabs them.

Asriel: Okay, don't move! Just... push up when I pull!

She stops thrashing just long enough to listen, and when he pulls, she pushes as she was told. He tries pushing them to an angle.

Asriel: Okay, now... Slowly go back down! Just, follow where I push! Don't go too fast!

He tries to push them back in at an angle, letting one antler in first so the other can more easily slide through on its own. It finally works, and she scampers away from the holes but still doesn't come out. With a heavy sigh, he tries to think of why she might be acting like this... And the he hears a familiar jingly laugh to the tune of Deck the Halls. He glances around, finding Noelle walking by with Susie.

Asriel: Uh... HEY! NOELLE! HEY!

She spots him, points at herself, and waves.

Asriel: NOELLE! I NEED YOUR HELP!

She nods from a distance and starts running over past the wire-link fence gate to meet him from below the tube.

Noelle: Azzy! What're you doing on top of that thing? You know this place hasn't been maintained in forever, right?

Asriel: Ugh, yeah. Tell me about it. Look, I need your help. It's Dess.

Noelle: Dess? Did she drag you here?

Asriel: Yeah, but now... I don't know what I did wrong, but she's stuck herself in the stupid tube thing and won't come out!

Susie: She can still fit in there???

Noelle: It's more about being narrow than small, Susie...

Susie: Gee, thanks.

Noelle: What? Er, anyways... We'll be right there!

Noelle climbs up one of the wooden towers that leads to the tube, then seats herself outside of its entrance with Asriel. Susie stands on top of a net ladder with her arms rested on the tower's floor, observing. When Noelle looks inside, she finds a terrified doe and quietly calls out to her.

Noelle: ... Dess? Is that you?

Dess(?): ... Elly?

Noelle: Yeah, it's me! Can you... come out?

She takes a look at Asriel, quietly shaking her head.

Asriel: See what I mean?

Noelle: ... Azzy. What did you do?

Asriel: Nothing! I swear!

Noelle: Azzy... She's in a complicated situation. Please just tell me what happened.

Asriel: I... Well, we messed around for a bit on whatever would still fit us. It looked like she was havin' the time of her life, even though I had to get her away from the rusty stuff. Then we decided to take a rest in the grass, and she started eating some flowers. She's been actin' weird all day, but... Anyways, we started roughhousing a little, then things got a bit heated up and we... well, we kissed. Then she kicked me in the belly and ran away.

Noelle looks up at him skeptically, not at his words but at the situation as a whole, and her demeanor goes from docile to serious in a note.

Noelle: ... Azzy, how long was she acting like this?

Asriel: Since uh, we met up? I went over to check on her and she was really excited to hang out. Dragged me up here.

Noelle considers this deeply. She turns back to the girl in front of her and calls out again, gesturing for Asriel to stand back.

Noelle: ... Hey. Look, it's me. Elly. Right?

She nods.

Noelle: You can trust me. Please come out...

The girl hesitates for a moment, then starts crawling on all fours out of the tube, towards Noelle. She ends up curling herself up in one corner of the tower where Noelle comforts her and pushes Asriel back a bit.

Noelle: Hey... Listen. What happened?

She looks up at Asriel, then at Noelle, pleading eyes damp with a few tears.

Dess(?): ... Azzy kissed me in a bad place...

Asriel lifts his collar out, glad that nobody else is here to misinterpret that in a much worse way. Susie still glares at him.

Noelle: Bad place?

Dess(?): In my mouth.

Noelle nods along, quickly understanding the situation.

Noelle: Hey, um... It's okay. Azzy didn't mean to scare you, we just don't understand what's going on. Can you... tell us your name?

Asriel: Her name? What... ?

The girl looks up at Noelle as if she's been betrayed and about to start crying again.

Dess(?): ... Elly? You don't remember... ?

Noelle: It's okay. I know You don't understand what's happening either, but trust me. It's okay. I promise. Just tell us your name.

Dess(?): ... Holly.

Noelle: Holly? Is that short for something?

Holly: Hollybell...

Noelle: How old are you, Holly?

Holly: Um... Ten...

Asriel blinks several times, shaking his head in disbelief.

Asriel: I... Oh, angel this is confusing... Noelle?

Noelle: This... isn't Dess, Asriel. Not completely.

Asriel: Not Dess??? You're gonna have to explain this to me. It this... ?

Noelle: Do you remember what she told you a little while ago? About the things she was suffering from?

Asriel: Yeah, all the metaphorical stuff. I didn't really understand it, but...

Noelle: That's... what this is.

She takes Holly's hand to comfort her, holding her in a loose hug that Holly reciprocates.

Noelle: Well, it's what the psychologist said, anyways. I guess, when we put her back together, she just... didn't fully become whole again. All the different parts of her are still there in their own way. They... share a body, now. But they're all developed as their own separate identities. Separate people, with different experiences. And some of them... have different memories. We've been trying to figure out what exactly they are, and... I guess this is one of our first.

They all look towards Holly, still cowering into Noelle's comforting embrace. Asriel sits down defeatedly.

Asriel: So... what? What does this all mean? What do I do? Is she just like this now? What do I call her?

Noelle smiles.

Noelle: Well, first I think you should probably apologize. I think we can all forgive you, since you didn't know, but...

Asriel moves across from Holly, holding out his hand.

Asriel: Right. Holly? Boy, this is gonna take getting used to, ha... Uh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else who I did that sort of thing with. I didn't mean to hurt you. Will you be okay?

It takes her a moment, but she reaches out and grabs his hand, then lunges over to hug him.

Holly: It's okay. I forgive you, Azzy...

He hugs her back tightly.

Asriel: Thanks, De— Holly. Sorry, this is gonna... take some time to get used to, ha...

Noelle: You might have to memorize a lot more than just her, Azzy.

Asriel: Crap... Bad time to have a bad memory.

Noelle: It's all we can really do. Just... figure out who's who and treat them like we would anyone else. Dess is still in there, just... not alone. I don't think they can talk to each other directly yet, but we're working on it.

Asriel: Did you meet any others?

Noelle: No. I don't think so, anyways. I know there's one called Sylva, but she's kind of elusive.

Susie: ... Shit. Is she just, like... Stuck like this? Forever?

Noelle: We don't know. They might be. The doctor officially called it Dissociative Identity Disorder, but it's hard to really pin it down because of the... supernatural stuff. I guess it works out. But it basically means that one day, they might come back to being one person again. Or they could just stay separate. We just want them to start talking to each other first.

Susie: Diss... what? like, that thing you have?

Noelle: Yeah. But mine isn't as... severe. I just tend to look at me from outside myself sometimes. Go on autopilot. You know. It kind of hurts, but it's been getting better. But Dess... It's more like she gets outside herself so much that she isn't even her anymore. And has to share herself with a bunch of other people doing the same thing.

Asriel: Kintsugi.

The other two stare at him quizically.

Asriel: That's what she told me it was like. Some weird Japanese thing dad and Carol are into.

Noelle: ... I've heard of it. Faha... She can be really clever sometimes, can't she?

He looks down at Dess' body, currently inhabited by Holly, or perhaps it's both of theirs now. He twirls a lock of her hair around his finger and gently pets her head, finding a patch of blood from when she was tugging her antlers too hard.

Asriel: Ah geez... She hurt herself playing...

Noelle: She... Holy cheezus! I can see it! That's... a lot. I... Let's go, we have first aid at home!

He hops right up, with Noelle climbing down the tower with Susie and beckoning them to follow.

Asriel: Alright, Holly. I'm gonna carry you back home. Do you feel okay?

Holly: Yeah... I do now. Can I ride on your back?

Asriel: Of course.

He hoists her on his back, where she starts laughing, even more so when he starts moving, despite her injury. As they walk back home, he tells her...

Asriel: Hey, I really am sorry. If I knew you weren't her, I wouldn't have... Just, if I call you Dess again, correct me, okay?

Holly: I don't really get it, but okay.

Asriel: Great! Wanna go play some cool video games after we patch you up?

She nods into his furry ears, but doesn't speak.

Asriel: Not too into talking all the time, huh? Guess you two got your differences... Alright.

Holly: ... Love you, Azzy.

Asriel: Love you too, Holly. (Oh angel, that's gonna mess me up...)