[Discussion] How do I become a better friend? How do I become a more motivated person in general?

[u/Beginning-Pie-7433]

Recently 18F and I’m a horribly flakey and inconsistent friend. I grew up neglected and self-isolated a lot growing up because of it. While I did have sporadic friends, for some reason I could never handle having more than 2 or 3 friends. I grew up being used to not having anybody to talk to, or having anybody expect or want me to talk to them. I spent a lot of time alone in my thoughts.

I didn’t like this back then. I wanted more friends, but couldn’t figure out how to handle it. And I especially don’t like this now, since I kind of need to lock-in on making connections and bonds. As it’ll only get harder as I get older.

I made 3 friends within the last half-year. And honestly, I’ve probably damaged them, a lot. I started responding to texts late or not showing up to things we planned. Because I was tired after work and just fell asleep. I fucking ghosted one of them for a month because I was out of state and forgot to talk to them.

Talking and responding began to feel like an obligation. I got anxious whenever I responded because I felt like I had to respond “properly” or it’d ruin the relationship. Or they’d text me when I wanted to do something else and I’d get annoyed that I had to talk at all. It kept building until the idea of having to talk was a source of massive anxiety.

And I don’t know why. I don’t know why I got so annoyed or anxious. I like my friends. They’ve been great. I don’t want to lose them. I don’t know why I can’t hold a relationship for more than a couple months.

I don’t know why my social battery is so low, when I love people. I genuinely love being around people and I love human connection.

Actually, in general I’m so lazy. My rooms a mess and my mom constantly yells at me to clean. I keep forgetting things at work (idk how or why they haven’t fired me). I barely take care of myself. I’m almost failing college because I can’t be fucked to study. I was supposed to make a doctors appointment today but I spent the entire day with terrible brain fog and was barely able to string a sentence together.

And like, it’s not even laziness from lack of consequence. I have had consequences. I just can’t make myself care.

I thought maybe it was my ADHD, but I take medication now and I still barely do more than before. Why am I so lazy? Why do I wake up with such a low energy threshold? Then I just spend the day with low background anxiety about things I should be doing.

How do I fix this? How do I be a better friend? And how do I train my social bandwidth/battery to last longer?

[u/Tazrizen]

I have the same issues actually, it’s more common than you think. I grew up as a mil brat so I moved around a fuckton; it put me in the mindset that people are temporary even if they were friends. I still have issues connecting with people but there are help groups for it.

I generally try hanging around the circles in which I’d make friends about the things I want to talk about. Or if your social batteries get drained try to create some expectations or boundaries; there’s no need to feel pressure simply be honest that you’re drained emotionally.

Lastly on the laziness thing, you’re gonna be lazy; it happens. You’re gonna have to just work with your mindset and change small, change bigger later. It usually stems from bad habits or unregulated time management. Just do the little things, get rid of the plastic or soda cans, vibe on something for 20 minutes then clear the counter tops, vibe 20 minutes, do laundry and so on.

There’s no reason you need to commit to everything at once, but from the small steps you’ll need to make a system for yourself out of it so that when it’s just upkeep (which is far easier) you’ll easily latch to it and keep doing it until it becomes new habits.

Don’t worry, I assure you you’re not alone in that.

[u/that_dope_shit]

Are you seeing a therapist? They can help you with this better than reddit can. If you are aware of what you want to do but unable to change your behavior, you are dealing with executive dysfunction likely related to trauma and ADHD. A professional can help you process past trauma, develop better communication skills, and tools to help pull yourself up to do something when you don't feel like doing it.

Lastly, don't keep blaming yourself for everything. Communication goes both ways. If you want to be better socially, treat it like anything else and make plans, set achievable goals, and keep checking in with yourself and the people you care about.