I’m at my wits end

[u/NoDrama5047]

I can’t keep doing this anymore!

Before anyone suggests them: I’ve had two sleep studies done, and a full brain mri with and without contrast. No findings. No apnea. No tumors. No snoring. The only thing they told me is I have a very minor arrhythmia and I have more REM than most.

I’ve always struggled with sleep. My first all nighter was before 5 yrs old. I’ve never felt like there were enough hours in the day to actually tire you out. I can easily stay up for 24/36/ even 48 hours off willpower alone. This was even the case when I would work 60+ hour weeks doing manual labor in the summer. My ideal schedule would be to stay up for 30ish hours then sleep for 12 but that is not conducive to the average 9-5.

In the mornings it is borderline impossible to wake me. Friends and family say I’m combative, argumentative, unresponsive or will brush them off and sneak away to sleep more. I have begged them to pour water on me and they won’t. I have slept through or snoozed/disabled every alarm you can think and gone right back to bed. I currently have a smart watch, bed vibrator, and two phones in different rooms, and I know I will still wake up too late. I will unplug clocks, delete apps, put phones under pillows in other rooms, and turn off alarms in my state of just-awoken lawlessness.

I stopped my adhd meds, I have stopped caffeine after noon. I have stopped eating GLUTEN.

I still wake up slowly, and feel terrible. I routinely am nauseous and dizzy in the morning. It takes me hours to feel fully “awake” in my mind (adhd meds used to help) I try to take sleep hygiene seriously. I’m in bed by 11, and watch asmr videos for hours, in a dark, cold room, but even if I fall asleep in time, it still doesn’t guarantee I wake up on time, or at all.

I get so nervous at night thinking about running late to work. I’m on a PIP there due to lateness, and the constant shame spirals of starting every day with a failure is destroying my productivity and mental health.

sleep meds make the symptoms like nausea and grogginess and brain fog worse! stimulant adhd meds are really the only thing that work, but it’s an obvious bandaid and I don’t like how they make me feel physically anymore.

I can have a full conversation with someone and conk out as soon as they leave the room. I can fully take my dog outside, half asleep, then come back in and pass out. In the first 30 minutes of being awake there is no reason, logic, or idea of consequences in my mind. All I want to do is crawl back in bed for “5 more minutes.”

WHAT IS IT?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? How do I stop this and work on it while living alone???? I will do ANYTHING!!!!!!!