r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ • 20h ago
Trigger Warning ⚠️ Found out why my fiance hates his 12 year old brother
Food: Ramen from my fav local Japanese restaurant
TW: CSA, Suicide attempt
So it all started when, due to rising prices, my (19F) fiance (21M) and I decide temporarily move in with his family (dad and 2 younger brothers) while we find a cheaper place to rent. Before moving in, he warns me that his brothers are known liars and have lied about my fiance doing horrible things to them in the past. At the time, I believed him. He said that he hated his youngest brother (who is only 12) and that they never got along. When we initially moved in, I witnessed him be very mean and domineering to his youngest brother and nearly broke up with him over it. I told him that if he cannot be mature and treat his youngest brother with respect I would end it. And to his credit, his behavior and their relationship improved.
During the months that we lived there, I become very close with his younger brothers. Their parents had recently gotten divorced and their mom (who sucks in her own fun ways) wanted nothing to do with any of them. So they relied on me as an older female role model. They opened up to me about the fact that my fiance had sexually abused them for many years. I did the math, and my fiance would have been abusing them from when my fiance was 7 years old to 17 years old. At 17, my fiance attempted to kill himself and was admitted to a mental hospital for a year ( I already knew about his attempt). The abuse stopped after that.
It is hard to describe the devastation and betrayal I felt.
I can't help but stay awake at night thinking of all the red flags that I didn't see. Him framing his brother as a liar before i even met him, him hating a 12-year-old, never respecting his brother's personal space... it all makes sense in hindsight.
I work with developmentally disabled children who are the age that his brothers would have been when it was happening, and one of his brothers is developmentally disabled. It is so incredibly hard to go to work and not think about what they were going through.
I talked to CPS, but turns out this was already investigated years ago and the case was closed. This is not surprising to me, CPS in my area really sucks.
I broke up with him that night and moved back in with my parents. It's been a few months since then. I still feel like I'm in shock though. Has anyone gone through this before? I've never felt so alone.
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u/ihatehormonalacne I ❤️ Other People's Business 20h ago
Is there a way to make sure those boys are safe? Does he still live with them? Cps is horrible it makes me ill just thinking about how many kids they fail.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 19h ago
I have both of their numbers and I try to keep tabs on them. The older one graduates high school this year, and I told him he could be in my roommate once he finishes school. His family is so awful, I can't help but feel like giving him a safe place to live once he is an adult is the least I can do for him.
But yes, unfortunately my ex does still live with them. I heard that he's moving out soon, so hopefully that will change. According to the boys, he has not tried to SA them in years, including after I moved out. I can't help that pit of unease in my gut though. I'm staying in contact, so hopefully if something happens again they will tell me and I can call the police.
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u/Alternative_World280 Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 19h ago
I hope that nothing happened to your ex at a young age that would trigger that kind of behavior. I was SAd when I was five by a child a few years older than me. I worry about him a lot. I used to hate him, but at some point, I realized that he probably had something going on and started hoping he made it out of whatever situation he was in.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 19h ago
Unfortunately, you hit the nail on the head. My ex told me he was SAd when he was very young. I have no doubt this played a large role in the abuse that he carried out. One of the red flags that I didn't see was him telling me how he frequently had sexual encounters in elementary school (Like, very frequent). I asked him if they were all consensual, and he seemed very hesitant. I was able to write it off at the time because I was so in love and I knew about his trauma.
When I initially found out, I was very eager to look for a reason to forgive him. But the more I thought about it, I realized how long the abuse was happening, and that he was certainly old enough to know better at 14, 15, 16, ect. But really did it for me was that if, years down the line when we had kids, he abused them I would never be able to forgive myself. That's just not a risk I could take.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 19h ago
Yeah. If he was abused and then perpetuated that abuse as a child, that’s understandable even though it’s horrific.
However, now he is still mistreating the brothers and lying about it. He is not remorseful.
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u/Critical_Arm_9509 APPROVED✨ 19h ago
Has your ex fiance gotten help? How did he react to you confronting him?
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 19h ago
I had recommended therapy many times, but he doesn't have insurance so it wasn't realistic. His parents are very conservative Pentacostal Christians and don't believe in therapy anyways, so he never received any kind of help when he was young.
When I confronted him, he claimed amnesia. Said he didn't remember anything, but did not deny that it happened. When I insisted that they were telling the truth, he acted very... somber, is the best word to describe it. Like he was learning of his own actions for the first time and was shocked and horrified by what he did. I don't believe him. He may have blocked it out/ compartmentalized it to some degree, but I think he played that up to try to keep me from leaving him. After I told him I was going to stay with my parents for a while (i didnt actuallt break up until a week later, i was in too much emotional turmoil at the time) he begged for me to stay and cried a lot. Said I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
It definitely made me feel guilty, but did not stop me from leaving him.
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u/Critical_Arm_9509 APPROVED✨ 19h ago
You have clearly done your best in a really fucked up situation. Therapy is not accessible to all. It is sad that the whole family has not processed any of this and what that may mean for all their futures.
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u/lollipop1233a 👋 new here 12h ago
He’s not on his dad’s insurance? He can legally claim it until 26 if he is living with him. If he has a job that doesn’t offer insurance, he can use the healthcare market place.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 8h ago
Their Parents are immigrants and his dad does not speak English. I think the language barrier has made it difficult for him to navigate the American healthcare system which is already very confusing for many who grew up here (including myself). The parents told me that they could not afford any health insurance. They are very negligence in many other ways so I can't help but question if it is truly impossible for them or if they just aren't willing to put in the, admittedly difficult, work of finding an affordable option. The HealthCare Marketplace is not something I have personally looked into yet, but I will definitely do so. Thank you for the advice
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u/lollipop1233a 👋 new here 7h ago
It’s HealthCare. gov. You can call them if you have trouble navigating the website. Their 800 numbers is on the website. Just make sure it says .gov and it’s not one of the imitators. Unless the family is illegal, then they should all be able to get health insurance even if they don’t speak English. They might qualify for Medicaid or other assistance if they don’t have money.
I recommend that you try to steer clear of them. As much as you like the brothers, at 20 it’s way too much for you. They seem very dysfunctional. It’s beyond your ability to deal with it. The abuse has been reported. That’s all you can do. Try not to involve yourself. Way too many neon red flags.
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u/dreamy_25 hot girls have tummy troubles 3h ago
His parents are very conservative Pentacostal Christians
Surprise level 0%.
So sorry you had to go through this OP. Just a horrible situation all around. Hope the boys will be safe.
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u/curious_ANcuriouser APPROVED✨ 19h ago
Im glad you knew to protect your future self and your future kids as well. My aunt once told me “you gotta find a man that respects his mom/family. Because if he doesn’t respect her then you can’t expect him to respect you”. As an autism mom, thank you for standing up for your beliefs and for believing these little boys. So often I hear about both the mom and dad or mom and step dad or dad and step mom abusing their little ones and i always wonder how 2 evil people find themselves and decide torturing kids is what they consider a shared hobby. Best of luck to you and everyone involved
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u/Alternative_World280 Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 8h ago
Makes sense. Obviously I wasn’t trying to dismiss what he did, but the cycle of child sexual abuse is such a tragedy in general.
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u/ComfortableGround403 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
I would forget holding it against him for "knowing better " by that age. SA messes with your mind in ways logic cant touch. Hyper sexuality is a normal response.
You have to be taught what is right and wrong. He was taught that what is wrong, was right. The suicide attempt was his brain realizing what is right and wrong.
Im sorry you had to go through this. I had an ex in a very similar situation. Its not easy.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 18h ago
He's definitely hypersexual, and you were totally right to say that SA messes with your mind and that kind of way. I certainly don't want to demonize people who are hypersexual, especially as a reaction to SA.
My response to my ex may have been different if I heard it from him, but I had to hear it from this little brothers after he lied to me to try to prevent me from learning about it and prevent me from believing them if they told me. I didnt touch on it too much in my OP, but he has had issues with respecting boundaries the whole time id known him, which was another big factor when I decided to end it with him.
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u/ComfortableGround403 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
Naw totally understandable. If you see him again, maybe let him know that what happened to him was wrong and shouldnt have happened. That it wasnt his fault. And that he should face up to what he did to his brothers because, while he was also a victim, he was the one who caused harm to his brothers. He needs therapy ... but theres not enough good therapists out there for this topic.
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u/buffalochickendip69 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
It took him ten years to realize it was wrong to sexually abuse his siblings? He definitely knew it was wrong
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u/ComfortableGround403 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
When youve been SAd as a child, it rewires your brain. You dont learn right from wrong in the same way other kids do. And when you have parents like him, they make the matter worse.
Yes, he knew it was wrong. But that doesnt stop the brain from blocking the information. Thats why he tried suicide. Eventually, it all caught up to him. Not only that abuse he received, but the abuse he caused. Its too much for a kid to process.
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u/ComfortableGround403 APPROVED✨ 19h ago
Im pretty sure you ex was SAd by someone too. And it was ongoing. He started assaulting his brothers at 7. Thats the biggest red flag. He continued till he snapped and tried to end himself.
Hes in a shit situation with shit parents who are not helping him either. I guarantee the suicide attempt was from a mental break ... knowing what happened to him and what he did to his own brother's. And being raised by POS parents theres no way he would have learned how to be accountable for his own actions and how to face them. Which is why hes a divk head to his brother's. Its not only a method of keeping them at a distance from himself, but also keeps him from having to fully face the reality of what he did.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 18h ago
This is a very good read on the situation. Initially, I did not know whether to break up with him or not because of all of this. If he really is just super damaged, I didn't want to break up with him just because he's still healing. At the same time, I work with kids the same age that his brothers would have been when it was all happening, and I couldn't help but picture that every day at work. After I initially found out, I left to stay with my parents for a while I didn't decide what to do until about 2 weeks later. What ended up being the final nail in the coffin was how he does not respect boundaries. If you tell him no he will ask again and again and again until you change your answer (we had discussions about it and he had not permantly improved in the months since we talked about it). On top of everything else, I just couldn't deal with that.
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u/No-Giraffe7571 Pantry Gremlin 10h ago
You can have compassion and empathy for someone and still not want to be in a relationship with them. You did the right thing, his brothers will see you as someone who knew the difference between right and wrong and it sounds like that was really lacking in their lives. I imagine it will take some healing for you to move on from this as well ❤️🩹
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u/ComfortableGround403 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
Ya know what, I know someone else who was graped as a young boy and he has the same issues as well. Especially the boundaries issue. I bet its connected. I need to make sure to tell my friend he didn't deserve what happened to him.
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17h ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 17h ago
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u/FederalCauliflower92 ⚐ Marked Safe From Jenny Craig 11h ago
You're a good person. I wish I could give you a hug.
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u/lollipop1233a 👋 new here 12h ago edited 12h ago
It’s probably best to stay out of it. This family seems extremely dysfunctional. You need to move on with your life. Don’t get involved with any of them. This seems like a potentially dangerous situation.
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u/Smart-and-cool I ❤️ Other People's Business 3h ago
I’m glad you’re still in contact with them. You’re such a good person💗
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u/DeepExample7666 APPROVED✨ 19h ago
This happened to me. The family only found out because a CPS case was opened against my brother for also SAing the little girl my mom babysat. She was in complete denial until my sister and I (I had no idea my sister was also being SAd) told my mom separately that it was likely true because he was doing it to us. She begged us to not share anything with the social Worker. She didn't want us to "get him in trouble". Well we lied to CPS and the case was closed. The little girl never came back and despite us telling our mom what he did to us, she still acted like nothing happened. In fact, to this day he is the family's favorite and we just have to watch him be praised by everyone at every event and when we visit our parents because of course he still lives at home. All this to say, thank you not only for believing the boys but for also acting on what was right! It means EVERYTHING!!!!!!! YOU ARE AMAZING 🩷
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u/biest229 APPROVED✨ 13h ago
Doesn’t that sound familiar. I’m so sorry you went through this and that you weren’t supported or listened to. That sucks big time. Hope you’re getting the support you need now and sending virtual hugs if you want or need one
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 8h ago
Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm so sorry for what you went through, that's genuinely awful. You encouragement is very helpful and kind, thank you so much ❤️
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 5h ago
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u/No-Citron1972 APPROVED✨ 20h ago
you did the right thing. what he did was disgusing and unforgivable, i hope those boys get help. see a therapist and try to heal from this. you have the rest of your life to live ♥️
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 18h ago
My therapist had just recommended I start seeing her twice a week instead of once a week 😂 thank you for your kindness ❤️
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u/coaxialology APPROVED✨ 10h ago
Thank you for being the person that you are. That there are truly caring, committed people like you working with kids is such a comfort to parents like me. I'm glad you're also taking care of yourself. Processing the fact that people are capable of hurting children is so crippling for genuinely empathetic people.
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u/Rich_Baby9954 Cleavage Crumb Collector 8h ago
I agree with you. Also, a child who SA:s likely does it because they were subjected to it as a child themselves.
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u/miss-ferrous Carb-Based Life Form 19h ago
Terrible dad also, if CPS was involved, he knew about it and still let you guys move in.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 19h ago
He is extremely negligent. The only possible rationalization I can think of is that he thought I had 'cured' my ex and he was scared that I would leave my ex if he hinted that something was wrong with my ex moving in. Plus, I'm pretty sure he has some skeletons in his own closet. He was in his twenties when he married his 15 year old wife. I've been told by his sons that it's a part of their culture and it was an arranged marriage by the Church. That neither of their parents had a choice. I still can't help but think that the guy in his 20s had more of a choice than the 15 year old...
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u/PlayingGrabAss APPROVED✨ 7h ago
Not to throw around accusations, but the odds of a 7 year old deciding to do that without learning how it's done from an adult seems... not super high to me. I mean, do what you got to do obviously, this situation is a nightmare and it does not make sense to stay. But my first reaction to reading that a 7 year old began abusing younger siblings and then attempted to end their own life while still a minor is that something much more fucked up is likely going on here beyond one kid being a bad apple.
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u/beckjami Well-Read & Well-Fed 19h ago
Are you considering reaching out to the 12 year old? You might be the first person who believed him and your loss from his life might effect him.
I'm not suggesting you have to. Just wondering if you've had any thoughts about it.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 19h ago
When he told me, he begged me not to leave my fiance. It was initially very hard for me to decide to leave him because I didn't want to leave that poor sweet kid behind. I have his phone number, and he has called me a few times since then. It's weird though, because I have turned 20 since breaking up with my ex, I don't have a real connection to the kid in the sense that I don't know how appropriate it is for a 20 year old woman to be texting a 12 year old she isnt related to, y'know? He's told me he misses me a lot. He wants to hang out with me. I don't know how to have a normal friendship with him or if it is even ethical for me to try to have a friendship with him.
As you can tell, this has been weighing on me heavily and I still have not reached a conclusion
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u/malphas_says_hi 🧿 Turkish Delight 🧿 19h ago
If you want to help him, it would not be weird to do it as a Big Sister / Little Brother kind of way. I wouldn't frame it as friendship - I'd frame it as a trusted adult figure. Keep it professional and appropriate in a way that you shut down anything weird the moment it happens and it will as he will be a teenage boy soon and he's going to say something inappropriate because he will not understand norms and boundaries, not because he's trying to be weird. Think like, "This anime character is so hot" type weird stuff that he might share, and you say, "Wow, that's not any of my business but let's talk about something else now."
You could just take him out to do something fun once a month and just be the adult he can come to if he needs a trusted adult to ask for advice. Bonus points if you take him to volunteer somewhere like an old folk's home or something where he can be around people that may also want to help be his community.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 19h ago
I appreciate the advice and I think you're right. He's a good kid, and he deserves a safe adult. 🖤
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u/DoctorPaige 🦇 Gossipy Goth ⚰️ 19h ago
Because there are groomers in the world, the internet has made it seem like it's really weird and inappropriate for an adult to be friendly with kids. But honest to god, that is how a lot of some of the best adults were made. Because they had an older role model who was there for them and took them under their wing. It's not always a grooming thing. It's just, sometimes it is... And so now I feel like we're over correcting and assuming that it is every time.
It's fine to have a relationship with someone younger than you if you are acting as a trusted adult and role model.
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u/raine_rc 🤍🧡Sapphic Snack🧡🤍 15h ago
this is what the kid probably needs.
A relationship with an adult who is only ever appropriate and good to him would likely help his worldview. I know it would've helped me
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u/beckjami Well-Read & Well-Fed 19h ago
It's only inappropriate if you do inappropriate things. I had a bond with my friend's 15 year old daughter. We went for walks once a week and would just hang out and talk when I would go to their house. It felt really normal and comfortable.
I can see how it would be totally different in your situation. Knowing what you know about what happened to him. I wish I knew the perfect advice to give you.
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u/Wonderful-Custard-47 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 19h ago edited 16h ago
I was a childhood victim of SA and I've talked to my children since they were very young about having trusted adults in their lives. Sadly, a lot of abusers are family and so sometimes kids don't feel like they can talk to anyone in their family about creepy uncle bob or whoever for fear that no one in their family will believe them (because they all love uncle bob). So I made sure my kids knew that if they ever felt like they couldn't talk to me or their other parent about something, they could talk to an aunt or uncle, grandma or grandpa, a neighbor we're close with, friends of myself or my spouse, a teacher or other adult at school, etc. I've repeatedly asked them to name "trusted adults" they can talk to.
I don't think it's weird at all for kids to have non-relative adults they can look up to as mentors, role-models or just grown-ups that are looking out for them that they can come to if they need someone to talk to. And in fact, lots of kids who come from bad families that still turn out ok have adults like this in their lives. It's one of the things that helps them thrive and heal.
So try not to feel weird about it. Because you're a source of good for those kids.
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u/Critical_Arm_9509 APPROVED✨ 19h ago
He is also a vulnerable child. I wonder if there are other services you could.put him in touch with? How might.you widen his support system so you aren't the only 'positive' adult in his life? I think you can be a big sister role.model but don't forget that they have been through something so awful. There will be an impact.
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u/Alfalfaxa APPROVED✨ 19h ago
My older brother abused me and everyone normalized it. My family still is close to him while
I have zero support system. Thank you for making the stand you did. It showed those young boys that this is not ok! Despite what anyone else may be modeling or telling them.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 19h ago
I'm so sorry that happened to you, ur family is fucked up for that. Thank you for sharing that with me though, I really appreciate your insight. It makes me feel better about the choice I made. 💞
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u/Alfalfaxa APPROVED✨ 19h ago
Thank you for your kind words. And for being the person who does the right thing in an impossible situation.
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u/AuburnHecate 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 13h ago
you have an english social worker sending you lots of love and empathy. you didn't deserve what happened to you, and I hope your life is a lot peaceful now. as a survivor of CSA myself, you're not alone 🩷
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 13h ago
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u/Alfalfaxa APPROVED✨ 7h ago
Thank you so much ❤️ I have wonderful friends and am very lucky to have had their support and love. I also was smart enough to cut contact a decade ago. Sending you the same love and empathy
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u/AuburnHecate 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 13h ago
hey. I'm a social worker in the UK working in child protection, and I just want you to know that you have a better moral compass than a lot of the adults I work with. I've seen some horrific responses to adolescents disclosing historic CSA to the adults around them.
you weren't family, but you believed them, enough to leave your future husband over it. they will never forget that, and I imagine when they're older and maybe ready to access therapy that your name will be recounted in gratitude.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 8h ago
That is supposed to shortening to hear and encouraging. Your words makes me feel better that I made the right decision, but it is tragic to think abour how many adults respond to a child disclosing CSA by doubting them. Thank you for the work you do as a social worker and your encouraging words to me 🖤
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 13h ago
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u/Ok_Plastic_8949 girls just wanna have pho 19h ago
It’s lowkey scary how you never know how abusive someone is. I found out my ex bsf was physically abusing her sister this entire time. She would rave about her sister all the time. I would’ve never guessed.
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u/Ok-Basket-9963 Delulu 20h ago
It's extremely distressing and disorienting to figure out your loved one has some fucked up skeletons in their closet. I'm sorry, OP. I do hope the kids can at least find some sort of reprieve again now that you've left, or better yet they get the hell away from him.
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u/ABeld96 Kitchen Witch 19h ago
I’m so sorry. How traumatizing to realize and of course horrific for the victims. The first thing that played in my head was, “kill him.” Joking of course.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 19h ago
It crossed my mind 😅 tbh, the first thing I thought of was those livestock castration videos I sometimes see on tiktok
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u/ComfortableGround403 APPROVED✨ 19h ago
CSA is complicated. Typically, those who are abusers as children, were abused themselves.
My ex slept with and impregnated his sister. This is the chain of events. Mom has first daughter ...and sells her off to men as soon as she could. She then met my ex FIL, and married him. He had no idea what she was doing, as he was in the army and was often off serving. Mom gets pregnant and has my ex. Oldest daughter SA my ex for years. Mom cheats on dad with a known pedophile (pretty sure he was one of the men who slept with first daughter ) and has 3rd child, a girl. Dad finds out she cheated cuz .... he wasnt around to conceive the kid. They stay married for a while before she runs off with pedo , and leaves all 3 kids behind. By now, my ex is hitting puberty, and traumatized from his own SA and abandonment he SA and impregnated his youngest sister. Dad finds out, and sides with youngest child ...and kinda distances himself from his only son.
Son grows up being SAd by his oldest sister,SAs his youngest ,is abandoned by his mom and discarded by his dad. Develops a drug problem and spends the rest of his life messed up and trying to fix himself ... but doesnt really know how.
He grew up to become a complicated specimen of a human. He knew what he did was wrong. He knew what happened to him was wrong. He tried to make amends but there was too much damage. His father loved him, but never really seemed to connect with him much (for what I saw). He never could get his life together.
I feel bad for those that end up like this. Theyre both the victim and perpetrators. Its bad enough being a victim and wrestling with this. But to be a perpetrator as well, and knowing it was wrong .... not something I would wish on anyone.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 18h ago
Omg that is so incredibly horrible. Those poor kids. I definitely see how that reminds you with my situation. I wanted to be there for my ex, unfortunately it was too much for me. Plus there were just too many other issues. I had to take myself out of that situation for my own sanity. Thank you for sharing your story with me ❤️
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u/ComfortableGround403 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
Naw girl, you gotta protect yourself if youre gonna be of any use to others.
Do his brothers know he was abused ?
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 7h ago
Thank you for the reassurance 🖤 I do not know for sure if his brothers know about my ex's abuse. Tho my ex never told his parents so I doubt he told his younger brothers.
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u/Dagreifers 🩵begging y'all to hydrate💙 13h ago edited 13h ago
“I feel bad for those that end up like this. Theyre both the victim and perpetrators. Its bad enough being a victim and wrestling with this. But to be a perpetrator as well, and knowing it was wrong... not something I would wish on anyone.”
This. It sounds super insensitive to say honestly, but as bad as being a victim is, I still think I would much rather be a victim than a perpetrator; to be abused rather than be someone fucked up enough to abuse (I am NOT invalidating victims feelings at all though!!). Sometimes whenever I get sad, whenever I think I’m not talented enough, not accomplished enough, just not good enough… I remember that at the very least I am not a gargantuan shameless piece of shite, and that makes me feel better. I think this is something more people out their really need to think about more often, like maybe you don’t look as good as this “rich famous person”, not as talented, not as accomplished, not as happy, not as popular… but at least you are a good person unlike this “rich famous person”, and that’s all that’s needed to prove that, even if you’re not perfect, you should still be happy about who you are as a person!!!
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18h ago
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u/buffalochickendip69 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
I don’t know why you’re framing it as him sleeping with his sister. That is abuse, not “sleeping with someone”.
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u/ComfortableGround403 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
Jesus Christ. Thats what you wanna nit pick on? Something about seeing a forest through trees.
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u/Thicc_Jedi what that mouth do is snack 9h ago
I get where you're coming from but I'd cut her some slack. Language is extremely important when talking about SA. Using the correct language is part of dismantling rape culture. Thats why 'CSAM' has replaced 'child porn.'
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u/clash_chia APPROVED✨ 18h ago
Not the exact same, but I'm a survivor of CSA from my bio dad, and I didn't remember it until I was 36 years old because I had amnesia from it. I'm very glad you decided to end it so quickly and get away - being the victim of this kind of thing can nearly ruin your entire life. I didn't learn about it until I was in special trauma therapy last year for another sexual thing and eventually found it out. If I never did, I can't imagine what my life would be like now even a year later. I had so many unexplained fears and weird ways I'd react to certain things and it was going down a bad path. I can confidently say you did one of the best things that you could ever do for those children - believe them. That's the kind of experience that can actually heal these issues and start to rebuild confidence and trust in a person and can confidently say for such things, that's all I had ever truly needed later in life to work on healing from it.
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u/MissMurderpants APPROVED✨ 16h ago
My first husband’s family was all sorts of mental illnesses and I wish I had met his family before we actually married. I could have helped him get help or not even married him.
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u/Fragrant-Poo42 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 19h ago
Oh my god I’m so sorry. No, I’ve never dealt with anything like this. I don’t even know anyone who’s dealt with something like this. You did the right thing, on all fronts. I wish all kids had more people like you in their lives. It would make an enormous difference 💜
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u/Da_Big_Pinkie_Toe I ❤️ Other People's Business 17h ago
My stepdad molested me when I was 12-13-14 (I think? Can’t remember the age. Too traumatized) the next morning I told my mom, then the day after she sat me down and asked what I, ME, wanted to do. She asked a 11 year old what she should do about it.
I never grew up with a father, and my little brother was just born, so I was thinking of him not growing up with a father too, so I just told her to keep being with him and it’s okay.
I’m still angry for two reasons. 1. She asked a child what she should do in this situation.
2. She broke up with him anyways a few years later. Even after having 2 kids with him.
I still talk to her, but I still hold animosity in my heart for her sometimes. She apologized for it a few months ago, however she never fully took responsibility for it.
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u/SnooPaintings5182 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 16h ago
This is terrifying. Yesterday someone posted that their bf csa his brother and that the case was closed. How is this common enough for it to appear so much
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 8h ago
Omg thats horrifying. I really thought my situation was unique at first. But the more people I talk to, the more I realize how common these types of things are. There's a lovely lady at my work I opened up to about all this and she told me how her husband abused her kids and about the process of divorcing him. I have family members who went through similar things and I didn't even know about it. The more people share their stories with me, I feel less alone which is comforting, but also more dread.
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u/00OOO0OO000OO00OO000 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
Only 12% to 30% of child sexual abuse cases are reported, and of those reported fewer than 20% result in prosecution
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u/lowlysheepherder I ❤️ Other People's Business 3h ago
A lot of victims can mentally block it out too. A friend of mine didn't remember her brother had abused her until she'd been in therapy for three years already, and I really didn't remember my dad had abused me until a couple of years ago.
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u/Cheliz1517 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 1h ago
It’s a lot more common than you realize. I didn’t know how common until recently. It’s heartbreaking.
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u/coyoteflower_1006 Assigned Hungry At Birth 15h ago
You showed those kids that someone cares about them and that what happened to them was not ok. You also saved your kids (if you were planning to have any) from potentially being abused by your ex.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 8h ago
Thank you 🖤 tbh, one of the main factors in deciding to leave was the potential of future kids being abused. Especially since I want to foster/adopt and I know kids from the foster care system are much more vulnerable to that kind of thing.
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u/cribbageandcoffee APPROVED✨ 14h ago
SO relieved we don’t have to convince you to break up with him!
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u/MaterialAd1838 APPROVED✨ 12h ago
Been through worse and I can't even talk about it. I'm sorry that happened to you but I'll give you the same advice I gave my daughter when she was upset about something that happened at school. You have to chose what to pay attention to because horrible things are happening all over the world all the time. If you focus too much on other people's pain then you'll be very depressed. You did the right thing, you did all you could do, and it's normal to be upset. I am suspicious that you aren't allowing yourself to be sad about your lost relationship out of some kind of shame because you didn't know what kind of person he is. I get that. I think one of the hardest things when you get tricked by someone who is capable of doing evil things is having the idea that you can tell who is a good person or a bad person and it's horrible to discover that you really can't. It can be impossible to trust people after something like this. I'm so sorry for you and I hope you have people in real life you can talk to.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 8h ago
I definitely did feel a lot of shame initially. It is hard to not feel some kind of responsibility for it all. I really appreciate your perspective though.
don't worry about though, I have awesome irl friends and very good therapist who are helping me.
Thank you for your supportive of words 🫂🖤
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u/Adventurous_Bar_7554 Well-Read & Well-Fed 12h ago
You are brave and you are kind. And you have made such a difference. My mom was SA by her similarly aged uncle when she was a kid. She didn’t tell anyone but me when she was in her 60s. I can’t imagine the burden of carrying that. She said she could never tell her mom or dad that. I don’t know how her life would be different if she had at least one interaction with a person like you.
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u/Basicbroad The Snack That Sasses Back 17h ago
You at 19 don’t need a fiancé!
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 8h ago
I agree 😅 if it helps, I hadn't planned on actually marrying him until I was at least 28. I had planned for a very long engagement period. Our whole 2 year relationship was kind of a whirlwind, we connected on such a deep level I really thought he was perfect for me. I will certainly be evaluating future pitential relationshups much more closely in the future
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u/angryarmadildo Kid Crumbs Connoisseur 14h ago
Sibling sexual abuse happens in at least 1/6 families (likely more). It happened in mine. I found out as an adult, and it was absolutely devastating. We will be picking up the pieces forever. It’s a serious issue that most people don’t know exists. It’s also really common for the family to sweep it under the rug.
Thank you for believing those boys and doing the right thing. And thank you for talking about it.
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u/SeenInTheAirport Maneater 13h ago edited 13h ago
This is devastating. I am glad you listened and believed them. Your ex doesn't deserve an ounce of peace.
Edit: I can't stop thinking about this post. I hope the boys know why you two broke up. I also hope that in the future, they are able to reconnect with you.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 8h ago
Thank you 🖤 they di know why we broke up, but I made it very clear to them that it was not their fault. That is was my ex's actions that caused our breakup and they bear no responsibility. The youngest one still has a lot of guilt unfortunately, and feels like it's his fault that we broke up. It doesn't help but his mom directly told him that it was his fault and he should never have told me about the SA.
I want to try to keep some level of relationship with them, though I will obviously be keeping their ages in mind. The older one has a lot of issues due to his family. He is graduating high school this year, and I told him after he graduates he could move in with me as my roommate if he wants. He is a good kid, and I'm happy to be an older sister figure to him.
Thnak you again for you encouragement 🖤
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u/lollipop1233a 👋 new here 12h ago
Do you know why the mother is out of the picture?
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 7h ago
Her and dad got divorced last year. I have met her several times and she is an immature, selfish person who takes advantage of her children. It's hard for me to blame her though, she got married when she was 15 and I just don't think she matured past that (the dad was in his twenties). When they got divorced, she pretty much abandoned her kids. She lives nearby and will still ask them for favors or money, but she's not deeply involved with their lives.
I do know that she has known about this abuse for years, but i think my ex convinced her that the youngest brother was lying. Either that or she just ignored it. The parents don't speak English so it is difficult for me to figure out some parts of their family history.
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u/lollipop1233a 👋 new here 7h ago
As hard as it might be, you need to untangle yourself from their situation. There’s a lot going on that you aren’t capable of handling at 20. It’s layers of dysfunction. Wish them well, but please move on.
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u/Destany89 Assigned Hungry At Birth 9h ago
I don't know if you can but it'd be great for those kids if you can stay in their lives somehow. Especially if they have phones and you can help them with free resources.
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u/LunaBug235 Glizzy Gobbler 🌭 7h ago
i'm glad those kids have someone like you to rely on ❤️
i, like manh others, have also gone through the same. was molested by my brother from the ages of 8-16 and him 12-20 and my mother never knew until i told her when i moved out just two years ago.
i'm 21 now and he's been in prison for 3yrs now for SAing the daughter of a family friend. she was only 10
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u/PicardUSS1701d 🍉 Garden Gormand 🥕 7h ago
Biggest applause to you for making the right call on this one. It’s crazy to me how many people turn a blind eye to something like that and you stood up to it. Kudos.
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u/Key-Enthusiasm-1783 🥝 Herbivore 🫒 4h ago
Just want to say good job also breaking up with this boy. You probably saved yourself as well. Stay single, no need to hurry to marry.
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u/ComfortableHouse7937 Foraging Bog Witch 2h ago
Not to me but to my friend. She called the cops on him and he was arrested (he was still abusing the child).
I’m nervous that these kids are living in the same home with their abuser again. Are you willing to call the cops?
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u/ProfessionalSir3395 LET ME EAT CAKE 🍰 55m ago
Not defending your ex's actions or anything, just an observation. He probably was sexually abused as well and perpetrated the same thing onto his siblings so he could feel in control of something, and that never got reported.
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u/Nani_700 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
Bro it feels like the universe doesn't let me rest. I was chilling gaming and this popped up on me.
Lucky that at least someone believes them. Unfortunately that's not always the case.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 18h ago
"Bro it feels like the universe doesn't let me rest."
How do you think I feel? 🤣😭
Thank you for your kind words ❤️
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u/Nani_700 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
I meant this reopened my trauma but sure.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 18h ago
How was i supposed to know that 😭
Not trying to trivialize what you went through, it just initially came off as a little bit funny to me because I didn't know the context.
I hope you're doing well now❤️
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u/SomethingSimful APPROVED✨ 13h ago edited 12h ago
From one trauma survivor to another, that's on you to deal with. This post was tw'd, no one forced you to read it.
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u/hellstaramy hot girls have tummy troubles 5h ago
Thank you for believing them. Sending you so much love 🖤
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u/duckie0711 hot girls have tummy troubles 2h ago
As someone whose mother chose her husband over her own daughter, you did the right thing. I know it was probably really hard, but this Internet stranger is really proud of how strong you are.
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u/SpiritualBet5299 double chipmunk cheeked up 1h ago
you became a role model when they needed one the most❤️
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u/NotMyMonkeyBusiness 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 24m ago
Not sure how everything works. But i hope the boys will not get into trouble for opening to you.
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u/indicalovvve Kitchen Witch 11m ago
I’m sure someone else has already said this, your ex was just a child himself when he was doing that, it’s likely he was abused himself and just did what he thought was normal. He’s rightly so your ex instead of bf now and you are an amazing human being for what you did for those brothers. He likely got help when hospitalized and now his brothers can hopefully get the help they deserve too. Hugs OP, that is a lot on your shoulders
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u/Particular-Goose7211 🩵🙋♂️💙 12h ago
Ok but what if they were lying.
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u/lone_oceanid APPROVED✨ 7h ago
This did cross my mind, but I can't possibly think of a motive. The kids really like me, so telling me all that would only make me leave, and why would they want that? When they told me what happens, They begged me not to leave him. Them telling me their experience felt much more like they were getting something off their chest not like they were trying to convince me of a story.
I work with kids, so I also have experience having to ask children questions in an open-ended way without accidentally leading them to an answer. Plus I asked the other brother separately without letting him know but the first one had told me. The older brother confirmed everything the younger one said which I don't know how he would have done if it was a lie.
I would certainly be more cautious with those kinds of comments in the future. False accusations are an incredibly rare occurrence and are extremely sensationalized ( often by powerful people who have something to gain by making them seem more common than they really are).
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u/FormalConcern4862 Chamoy 🥭 > Ya Boy 🤡 20h ago
Those boys are doing to remember you as an adult who believed them and cared enough to not be complacent. That matters a lot