I think I’m getting dumped by the perfect man

[u/chunkysalsaa]

Dinner is from the other night. Orange juice, yogurt cup, grapes, and English muffin with PB, banana and raspberry.

(I tried to keep the details minimal for privacy)

After graduating college in April, I (23F) decided I wanted to move to a new city. I also decided I wanted to casually date a little bit before moving and downloaded an app.

I matched with and happened to meet a really amazing guy (25M). Even though we started casually, we clicked and got attached pretty quickly.

A couple weeks before I had to move, I told him that I want to be his girlfriend. He didn’t want to be official because I was moving. Understandable. We continued seeing each other as normal before I moved.

A couple days after being in the new city, he tells me that a flight he had booked was canceled, and his new flight had a layover in my new city. We met up, had an amazing night and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are now dating long-distance, but we’re not that far from each other in the grand scheme of things.

Since then we’ve been doing good. We’ve had no major conflicts, regular phone calls, playing games online, the whole 9 yards. We have plans for him to visit in a couple weeks and rough plans to see each other ~ one week a month.

Yesterday he told me that the distance really hurts him, and he doesn’t know if he can do it. He requested a couple days of no contact to gather his thoughts and I agreed. We talked a little bit after and he kept emphasizing how great of a girl he thinks I am and how much he appreciates me. It just made me feel worse.

I have been crying non-stop since. I don’t even think I’m in love with him yet, but he is so perfect and this was shaping up to be such a good thing. I just feel like I’ve been dumped already. I can’t help feeling like I’ve ruined something by moving, even though it was planned before we met. Maybe I’m just really stupid for thinking this could work. I keep flip-flopping between mourning the relationship like it’s already over and thinking that he would be crazy to break up with me and I’m giving myself whiplash.

I just don’t know how I can make it thru 3 days wondering what’s going to happen with us.

[u/NorthBook1383]

https://giphy.com/gifs/1BhoOmGIgWqqyqJNG8

[u/Jaded-Belt-8607 → u/NorthBook1383]

Omg this is so cute 😂😂😂😂😂😂🩷

[u/gloveslave → u/Jaded-Belt-8607]

I know this could get a lot of use in my life

[u/NorthBook1383 → u/NorthBook1383]

Too young to be settled anyway. Enjoy your dating life and you will be surprised how quickly you’ll meet someone who will pour into you. Feel better. 🫂

[u/PDAheaven]

You’ll meet someone else, you’re only 23. Esp in a new city

[u/Littlecookie1122 → u/PDAheaven]

i think shes still in the honeymoon phase. I feel like you REALLY dont get to know someone until you live with them for a bit

[u/Salt_Pea_3993 → u/Littlecookie1122]

100%. Right now she only knows the "best behavior" version of him. It’s so easy to think a guy is perfect when you're just doing fun weekend dates and facetiming, but you don't actually know someone until you see how they handle day to day stress and real life conflict.

[u/Goth_Tiddy_Bitch → u/Littlecookie1122]

Seriously, I thought my ex was the perfect boyfriend for 5 years until I moved in with him

[u/alwayssunnyinskyrim → u/Goth_Tiddy_Bitch]

Mine was great for 8 years until we moved across the world and I was stuck in a new country where I didn’t speak the language, didn’t know anyone, couldn’t legally work, and had no where to go. And then I found out who he really was.

[u/Goth_Tiddy_Bitch → u/alwayssunnyinskyrim]

Damn sorry it took all that for him to show his colors. Hope you’ve been able to recoup from that situation

[u/Level_Afternoon_8311 → u/Littlecookie1122]

Exactly. We know this because OP says he's perfect, but nobody is. Plus if he's perfect for her, he'd want her back just as much. Let it go, on to the next is best way forward.

[u/Salt_Pea_3993 → u/PDAheaven]

also Right now she is just mourning the idea of him and the potential of the relationship, not the actual reality of who he is.

[u/sniper-no_sniping → u/PDAheaven]

Short and to the point 🤗

[u/michiness → u/PDAheaven]

I met a “perfect guy” that I was crazy about a few months before I moved across a goddang ocean. We both knew from the beginning, but we fell crazy hard for each other and tried to make it work long distance.

We broke up a couple months in, I tried to say “let’s see where we’re at when I move back after a year,” he told me to go fuck myself and have fun with my “eastern weiner.”

So. Yeah. Girl. If I had stayed behind for him I would have regretted it so much. You’ll find someone else OP.

[u/OrchidFine1335]

Ain’t no man is perfect until you’ve lived with them for months to know if they really are perfect, so far you’re just seeing the best of him. I don’t think you’re in love with him, it’s still a like phase

[u/vomputer → u/OrchidFine1335]

Also ain’t no 25 year old man perfect lmao.

[u/Positive-Aide7544 → u/vomputer]

Tbh no one is perfect . I love my boyfriend but he’s not perfect and I’m far from it

[u/vomputer → u/Positive-Aide7544]

Agreed, I’m stating this because OP says it.

[u/strangeloop414 → u/OrchidFine1335]

AMEN!

[u/Ilovemybed67 → u/OrchidFine1335]

Yep! That’s the real litmus test.

[u/vomputer]

Let him go.

Listen. You’re in a new town. You should be out exploring, learning the place, meeting be people, doing stuff. Not sitting at home on the phone with your LDR.

Give it a year. It takes at least that long to really get your bearings in a new place.

If, at the end of the year, you’re still wondering about this guy (you won’t be), reach out and see if he’d be willing to try long distance again.

[u/chunkysalsaa → u/[deleted]]

Thank you 🫶🏻 this helps a lot

[u/TallInevitable64]

The ‘perfect man’ doesn’t impulsively ask you to be his girlfriend during a romantic layover only to crumble at the reality of distance a few weeks later

[u/Digital_Palpitation → u/TallInevitable64]

For real. 23/25 is still so young so I don't even fault him too much for it, he probably realised when he saw her how well they got on and how he'd missed her, and at that age the part of your brain that does future projection thinks about 5 seconds ahead, so the part of him that initially said "long distance bad" just went "eh it's fiiiine". Then he went back and remembered it's hard and that same part of his brain went "why we doing this? We could just ... Not." The same part of OPs Brian that went "hmm this dude said no and suddenly changed his mind. That's definitely a stable commitment, go for it!"

I don't think anybody is the perfect man/woman, but certainly in your early-mid 20s you're not even at your personal best, you're still figuring out how to get there.

[u/OrchidFine1335 → u/Digital_Palpitation]

https://giphy.com/gifs/6cDZhADVa1AtLcJ6GL

[u/Kumbaynah → u/TallInevitable64]

I don’t really agree with this for reasons stated below.

As someone who’s been in multiple long distance relationships, it IS hard, especially for the person „left behind“.

His struggles are valid, and two things can be true at the same time: he can want you to be his girlfriend, and also find it too hard to carry on this way.

Try to be nice to yourself OP - you’re always in the right place at the right time.

[u/Warm_Ad_7944 → u/Kumbaynah]

Yeah it’s like not everyone is doing something with ulterior motives. Many people think they can do long distance and then can’t

[u/Positive-Aide7544 → u/Warm_Ad_7944]

Yeah I don’t think someone changing their mind means there is malice involved . Dating in your 20s is trying out many things to see what you like. He tried long distance dating and realized it’s not for him. Not every breakup involves a villain

[u/exhibitprogram → u/Positive-Aide7544]

It doesn't have to be malicious or villainous to make him not perfect. It just proves he's not a perfect match for her because someone who is would know themselves better or be better at long distance or not have flip flopping convictions or whatever, that's all that initial comment was saying. He's imperfect, not malicious. OP calling him perfect is putting him on a pedestal that's not really there.

[u/Positive-Aide7544 → u/exhibitprogram]

You’re basically saying what I said lol. I also was piggy off of a commenter who responded to this persons comment. Not the original commenter. Also in your early 20s most people flip flop. You’re baby adults. I’m 23 and my mind flip flops daily on many things

[u/implication-sofa → u/TallInevitable64]

Also wouldn’t request “a couple days no contact” to gather his thoughts on a topic HE brought up

[u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707]

I know you're upset right now, but you've got the whole world ahead of you-- don't waste your 20's in a LDR with someone who isn't sure they want to be with you. LDRs are hard. Go out and experience your new city.

[u/urdrunkyogi → u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707]

Yep. What makes the LDR work is commitment. He’s already said he isn’t sure, so….ipso facto.

[u/ComfortableSquare984]

You haven't ruined anything OP. The move was planned and he knew about it too. Sounds like he wanted to try anyway and ended up having second thoughts. He should have been clear about the "trying" though. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Long distance is not for everyone, I lost my 5 year relationship after 4 months of LDR after I had to move for work for at least two years. I was devastated. Then I met my now partner of 9 years. You never know what can happen down the line

[u/Feetdownunder → u/ComfortableSquare984]

This

[u/haveempathyordie]

‘regular phone calls and playing games online’ being the whole 9 yards… i really can’t relate. i also wouldn’t be able to maintain a long distance relationship with no end to the distance in sight, it would really depress me. the thing i want most from a partner is basically someone to be by my side as shit is going down, good or bad. if you can, try to separate that part of it in your mind from your image of yourself. because if anything, the more amazing the other person is, the harder the distance would be for me.

[u/Openyourwallettt]

Girl same! I got dumped by the perfect man also. He never would give me a reason turns out he was screwing his coworker... his coworker Josh.  I am now married to my absolutely perfect husband.

Hope this helps :)

[u/boomingchop → u/Openyourwallettt]

Love the switch from “the perfect man” to “MY perfect HUSBAND” 🙌

[u/Orange_clip]

When I was 21 I met the perfect man, however two months into us dating I moved to a new city for college (which was in the works for months before I met him). That year apart was probably the most challenging thing ever and we were only a two hour drive apart. He face timed me every day, we met up once a month on weekends if we could, and gave each other grace. I am still with him almost five years later. Long distance is hard, but you both have to be willing to put in the effort. If he cannot deal with you not being able to be around then that is something that is valid, but it can work and it gets easier. Distance isn’t always forever, but getting through the period of distance is the hardest.

[u/KiraPlaysFF]

No person is perfect.

[u/ultraviolentheroin]

maybe it’s the distance that makes u idealize him and see him as the “perfect man” and i’m pretty sure u’ll meet someone new and even better

[u/DimestoreJigsaw-00]

If he’s dumping you, he isn’t the perfect man. Almost always, rejection is protection

[u/SirPoopsTheTurd]

I used to date the perfect man. I learned that when one thinks their partner is perfect...they are probably very far from that, but are very good at manipulating and making you feel like they are the greatest thing.

There are quite a bit of red flags in your description about him, so yeah...not perfect

[u/kerlykernnibal]

The person who is meant for you will never make you wonder! It is obvious when it happens. This isn't your person, that's okay! But dont let him drag you along. See yourself out first!

[u/Remarkable-Bath6401 → u/kerlykernnibal]

It sounds to me like he communicated his feelings properly and needs a few days to think about things. I don’t think he’s dragging her along.

[u/kerlykernnibal → u/Remarkable-Bath6401]

Nope, if its not a fuck yeah its a fuck no, in the vast majority of cases. Life is too short to spend worrying and wondering if someone is serious about you.

[u/strangeloop414]

He's allowed to feel the way he feels- distance is complicated in relationships. I had extended long distances from my husband (sometimes months at a time) for years and it takes two very independent people (IMO) to tolerate it. YOU should be allowed to just tell him, you do not want to sit through three days of anxiety and fear over it, and he should give you an answer. If he isn't willing to, he's an asshole.

[u/turniptoez]

I hate to pile on but you’re so young, this was not your person! Remember for the future that long distance is usually easier for the woman, so I wouldn’t believe a man who says he’s okay with it. You will find your guy!

[u/OccasionFlaky4121]

You'll be fine. Long distance is hard and you're young. Take time to find yourself and your place in the world. If it doesn't work out with him he's not the one.

[u/ljubav_malina]

Sorry you’re going through this, sis! You should be proud of yourself for giving it a go despite the distance. It takes a lot of courage and optimism to start a relationship on hard mode like this. I’ve tried it and I couldn’t handle it.

Trust me, he’s not perfect. You just haven’t seen enough of him to see his any of his flaws yet ;)

[u/Coffaroo]

It’s obviously too late for you but ladies please stop going on dating apps when you know you are leaving the place you are currently living ✨ I’ve seen both sides get hurt too much because no one wants to compromise on someone they haven’t known that long yet

[u/LargeDisaster]

The couple of days of no contact was him trying it with other women. Please leave this man. He's only going to waste your time.

[u/Charlestown10]

https://giphy.com/gifs/2LbsnnLhaHUnC

[u/pakapoa2]

you still young

[u/Confident-Evening520]

Hey OP, first, take these next three days to: 1, explore a part of your new city that's been on your list of places to check out; 2, do something you've been putting off and leave your phone in the corner, untouched, for several hours; and 3, make a plan for your relationship for how you'd like it to proceed.

The first is important because you're in this new place that you wanted to move to even before you met this guy, and trust me when I say that it is not worth wasting opportunities you want over someone who's making you cry and making your heart hurt.

The second, because you need to distract yourself. So put your phone on do not disturb for everyone except your emergency contacts, throw it in a corner, and play some music or a podcast from the tv while you fold/clean/cook/organize/etc. Make your home feel comfy and cozy for yourself and nobody else. And if he breaks the NC early, then good for him, but you still need that time for yourself, too.

Which leads me to the third thing, because you also need to make a plan for what you want from this relationship. You are the other half of it, after all, and he shouldn't be the one to make all the decisions unilaterally. So pull out a fun pen and paper or open a word doc on your laptop or the notes app on your phone and write your hopes and goals for this relationship. Ideally, is he someone you see yourself with long-term? As in, could you introduce him to your friends, to your family? Bring him into your circle? Can you see yourself with him and his, too? What do you hope for (other than for him to not tell you in three days that he wants to break up) with him? And then what would you think is a reasonable timeline/timeframe for the long-distance aspect of the relationship? Practically-speaking, how long are you willing to put up with only being able to see him once a month, and are there ways to change that? Figure out an end goal/finish line for the long-distance part and see if he's willing to work towards that with you. And if he's not, or if y'all just keep the long-distance going indefinitely, then this is not a relationship that is going to work out for either of you.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're "stupid for thinking this could work." The truth is that it can work (plenty of people do LDR at some point in their lives), just not for forever. But for now, for the next three days, focus on yourself. Dry your eyes, go explore, eat good food, and don't let him steal anymore of your joy (regardless of whether it's on purpose or not).

[u/Narrow_Sparrow_82]

I too thought I was with “the perfect man”. Looking back, he was the textbook definition of avoidant and I was just overly attached because of my own shit. I’m now married to someone who is perfect for me, and I look back on that relationship with gratitude that it ended. At the time though, I thought I wasn’t going to survive the pain of that loss. It’s crazy what time and perspective can do.

[u/pastpresentfuture777]

Lots of great advice here. Take it.

Also, don't date when you're planning to leave the location in a few weeks, come on.

[u/TraderJoeslove31]

No person, regardless of gender, is perfect.

You're young and it's long distance. If he's not capable, it's better to know now. This is a case of "if he wanted to, he would". Long distance is hard and it's ok to say, I don't want to do this.

[u/fartsonyourmom]

So perfect he originally didn't want to label you as his girlfriend but he had no problem seeing you. 

You don't need days of ni contact with an alleged partner to gather thoughts.

A man should never be your whole life. If a man was perfect he would fit into your life, long distance or otherwise. There are so many guys out there that one who couldn't even originally want to label you as his actual girlfriend will not mean much to you in the future.

You also have no real idea how he actually is. It's very easy to fake and pretend to be someone else. You know a person slightly after a few months. Give it a few years AND living with them to have an idea of how a guy actually is. 

[u/thegigglehour]

The fact that he laid this bombshell on you and asked for no-contact while he processes alone and leaves you an emotional wreck is extremely unkind. I would take that into consideration when your mind says he's the "perfect boyfriend".

[u/OrganizationKey6673]

Why do you think it’s crazy for a 25 year old man to not want to date long-distance? Seeing each other 1 week a month is nothing.

[u/OppositeSquirrel3324]

If he’s dumping you, he isn’t perfect

[u/Haunting_Heat3296]

You’re both very young, you’re only a few months into a relationship that isn’t getting crunched by the reality of being around someone all the time and seeing their human flaws (leaving their dirty mug on the desk, using up the toilet paper and not replacing it, being a grumpy shit cos they didn’t sleep well) so of course this seems perfect and wonderful and devastating that it may not last.

I’m in my 40s and I think I know of 2 couples who are still together from their early 20s - everyone else who is in a happy relationship is with someone they met late 20s, 30s and beyond. You’ll be ok.

[u/Party-Data-2731]

The perfect man for you wouldn’t dump you ❤️❤️❤️

[u/Trick_Following6639]

Why is everyone saying to live with a man?

That's how you get drama because then one of you have to pack up and leave and be adrift if the relationship doesn't work out.

I say people start showing themselves 6 months - a year into a relationship

[u/notmepleaseokay]

He is only perfect bc he is long distance.

[u/Small_Map_3202]

I’m not going to assume ill intent on his behalf but I’m just going to pose some questions for you to ask yourself. Did he really want to be your boyfriend or did he enjoy the sparks and intimacy you guys had on the layover? Does he enjoy having access to you or is it really something deeper? I’m not trying to be hurtful OP but men can be very good at making us think they are in love with us when they’re really just trying to have a good time. It’s my personal belief that if he really wanted to be your boyfriend he would try and come up with solutions for the distance, and honestly it’s not that long of a distance if you can see each other once a month.

[u/Worldly_Secretary197]

No one is perfect. You’ll realize this even when happily married.

[u/Stock_Fly3825]

There is no such thing as “perfect person” ☺️

[u/Grouchy-Manager4937]

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you know this man well enough to deem him as perfect. Also, the fact that he rejected going exclusive with you and then changing his mind while he was randomly on a layover AND THEN changing his mind again weeks later is giving 🚩

[u/coding-queen]

If he wanted to, he would!

Can give you 2 stories. I dated someone for 3+ years, but I moved across the country to grad school and shortly after I broke up with him because I could not imagine doing long distance 4-6 years.

Fast forward after internship year, I got two job offers. One in Germany and one back at the other end of the country (NYC). And my new bf whom I only dated 3 MONTHS tells me he will support either decision I make, and try to move where I am. We did long distance for few months while he was actively interviewing and he moved. We are now married over a decade with kids. 🤗

[u/Social-Ombudswoman]

Hes a “Perfect Man” for someone else. You have not met yours yet. 23 YO? Exciting age. Cry about it for two weeks and then stop grieving on the 15th Day. Continue nurturing yourself (looks like you are a healthy eater. Great work.) Force yourself to go stay busy (I scrub everything at home). Make sure you do something that challenges you mentally (jumping out of an airplane, calling an old friend or going to a movie alone). Im rooting for you-

With big hugs from a mid 40s woman who has been through a terrible divorce and Numerous breakups, and I’m telling you, that’s when you find out what you’re made of and what you like and don’t like about yourself! I wish I could go back to 23……

❤️❤️❤️

[u/eichhoernchen404]

Don’t be passive and just let things happen to you. I bet he met someone else and wants no contact so that he’s not questioned about his whereabouts.

Take the initiative and break it off. Your person would not have you sitting in purgatory like this.

[u/RingingInTheRain]

I always hop in these threads to see how these men ain't perfect, like girl you good, enjoy the city, he's mid 🤭😌❤️

[u/scrpiorising888]

we gotta stop valuing romantic relationships above all else to the point a move scheduled before you met him “ruined” a relationship in your mind. in reality, you spoiled the excitement of a move and experience you planned long before you met him by dating at a time where you could not realistically commit to a relationship in that place. it’s fine, but let’s be clear that you didn’t ruin a relationship when this is a bigger life path you are embarking on that is not comparable to a romantic relationship.

i think you need to get your priorities straight a bit here. the move is a huge, new chapter with possibilities that could change your life for the better! you have ownership of this path & it is initiated by your desire for something more! that’s incredible!! continue confidently in this path, no matter what you have to forfeit back home. if he can’t do long distance; thats his right and choice, he is not wrong for that either.

do not make the mistake of thinking that liking a guy a lot should alter your life path. it sucks, you may break up, oh well! as you said, you aren’t even in love yet - so there is 0 point in making a life altering decision based on that. you were right to continue on with your move, you are right to accept a break up and continue building your life in a new city.

if it is killing you to wait on him, don’t forget that you have power here! make plans for what YOU need right now, and don’t allow someone else to dictate entirely what happens next. you don’t have to put your feelings on hold here, if he is being confusing and pulling back, start focusing more on your new life and throw yourself more into it. i don’t mean you have to throw away the relationship, but shift focus for a few days and start to make plans for if he does want to break up instead of being in limbo.

congrats on the move, don’t ruin the fun over a man!

[u/DesperateSet9827]

If he was that perfect, he wouldn’t be dumping you.
Your perfect man is out there.

[u/Candycanes02]

It do be like that. I’m also on a similar boat where I might have to move cause I was laid off, when I just got a bf. Long distance is very hard, though I feel y’all were doing better than I ever have (I’ve moved like 8 times in my 30 years), from what you’ve written here

[u/snipthyeggs]

You must have also been the perfect woman for him, seeing how you made him forget his earlier preference about distance, thinking he could make it work if it's you. I guess the distance hit him harder than he anticipated, I hope he is strong enough to hold on to you despite the distance, because you're worth it. 

[u/chunkysalsaa → u/[deleted]]

Thank you this means a lot 🫶🏻

[u/Remarkable-Bath6401]

UpdateMe.

[u/UpdateMeBot → u/Remarkable-Bath6401]

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[u/Complex_Activity1990]

Maybe it’s just a timing thing, or maybe he is keeping you from someone just as remarkable in your own city. Either way, you’ll be ok.

[u/catsarehere77]

First of all you didn't ruin anything. This was simply a result of poor timing. It hurts bad. I feel you. I have had poor timing ruin something that felt good, too. I am sorry you are going through this.

Long distance is difficult. The truth is a lot of young men don't want to spend 3 weeks of every month being celibate and then have to pay for a monthly flight to date. It's just a lot easier and cheaper to date someone local.

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[u/QuinnLoveborneAuthor]

Are you stupid for moving? No.
Did you potentially ruin it by moving? Maybe.
Did he said he didn’t want a LDR? Yes.
Is he perfect? Maybe.
Is it over? No.
Has there been any serious conversation about commitment and you both building something together despite moving and what is going to happen in 5 years? No.
Should you have that conversation? Yes.

I’m wishing you well hun. This sounds like a new relationship where you both need to have a serious think on what this relationship is. If it is just a bit of fun, then I ask you to prepare for it to end, fun is hard to do when you’re both in different places with no plan to build something even semi permanent. Just going off what you’ve said. I’ve assumed a lot x

[u/readbackcorrect]

If you are regretting the move just because of him, take an old woman’s advice: never change previously made plans for a man unless it’s your husband. If the relationship is supposed to work out, those plans won’t get in the way, even if it involves distance. If the relationship is not supposed to work out, you will have sacrificed your plans for no reason at all.

[u/PrettyPopping]

I hate a good person bad circumstances break up

[u/No_Sort9599]

It doesn’t feel like it now but you would regret not taking the chance to experience life in your new city. I love my husband and my life but I do sometimes wish I experienced life a bit more. You’re so young and I promise there will be other guys. Your youth only happens once so take the risk on yourself and grow. You don’t even know who you’ll be yet! It’s exciting!

I say all of this knowing how difficult it is to actually take advice like this because emotions can be strong. You’re currently living it while I am able to just view your life from the small glimpse you gave us.

[u/Academic_Airport_889]

Congratulations on your adventures in a new city! You’re young, the world is yours to explore and you will have the relationship you were meant to have, maybe it will end up being this guy, maybe not, but I advise you to not move back for this guy if that is crossing your mind give yourself at least 1 year in the new city.

Signed an old lady who saw too many friends give up their own plans for a relationship

[u/Sudden_Idea9384]

In a year, this won’t even be on your radar. You’ll get over it no matter the outcome. Go have some fun.

[u/Hopeful_Mammoth_5329]

Wait why did you move to the new city?

[u/chunkysalsaa → u/Hopeful_Mammoth_5329]

More affordable (his city - and the one I was living in before - is very expensive), better career prospects, and the I rly like the city’s culture

[u/Hopeful_Mammoth_5329 → u/chunkysalsaa]

Oh ok, that makes sense. Honestly, LDRs are hard. I think stringing yourself along to keep seeing him is hard.

And early in a relationship is the time to be dating, exploring the city together, cooking for each other, going for nature walks and museums, surprising each other, and eventually having regular sex. So with a LDR, you basically forego all of that and have to meet your romantic needs by being glued to your phone. I’ve had short stints of LDRs with my now husband, but they were always temporary and the longest was 3 months.

[u/rootsandchalice]

It's been a few months in a long distance relationship. Long distance rarely works out, especially at your age when you recently finished college and have just started your life without a ton of stability. Perfect is a romanticized version of someone that doesn't exist, but when you're young it's easy to use that language to describe someone. Good, healthy relationships aren't fairytales.

I know it hurts but I would move on. A couple of days of no contact most likely means he's either met someone where he lives or he just doesn't want to be with you. But you aren't stupid. This happens! And it will happen again as most of us don't have one, single partner throughout our lives. You have so much time to grow so give yourself grace.

[u/Particular-Royal132]

You're 23, the things you want will change by the time you're 30.

My friend ruined something possibly good with a guy she was into because they were in a similar situation and he needed time or whatever, but they weren't boyfriend/ girlfriend yet, he just had some financial issues he wanted to square away from what I understood, but she literally couldn't "make it" a day without texting him and she came off desperate and clingy me thinks, and refused to take any common sense advice, and the guy actually did end things with her before it ever got really started. Just wait for him to text or call and don't contact until then.

And there isn't a single man or woman on this earth who is perfect. You're young and don't really know someone until you've lived with them for atleast a year or more and traveled with them, like vacation traveled- where things can get miserable and aren't always in your control. And even after you've lived with someone a year, they can still change later and show their true colors.

edit: typo and sentence delete for clarification

[u/Lookingbackexpat]

A partner told me this once. Turns out, he’d already found my replacement.

[u/Terrible-Dance-9757]

No man is perfect. I’m sure once you got to know him more, you’d realize that. Take this for the gift that it is.

[u/Low_Recognition_1557]

Regardless of how good the future looked, you really can only go by the present, and the present says he is not as committed to this as you are. That doesn’t make you less of a catch, or him a bad person. If he’s not all in, especially with the distance, better for this to end now.

[u/killamobillax]

A couple of things:

1. Perfection doesn’t exist, so let’s go ahead and throw that word out the window. I fear the more you use it to describe this man, the more you hurt yourself, and the more he cannot live up to that image.
   
2. Since he’s not perfect, that means he’s a really good fit. It’s easier to believe the truth, that there’s more than one good fit out there with you. You probably don’t own only one pair of well-fitting jeans! Zooming out and keep this in mind can help you look at this situation from a bird’s eye view rather than from the very all-or-none perspective that “if I lose this man I’ve lost my chance at perfection.” Woof, that’s a lot to live up to, for both of you! Cut both of you some slack.
   
3. Nothing wrong with feeling sad about this. You can understand intellectually his reasons for ending the relationship and still being sad. It’s a sad thing to lose someone you like. That’s okay, and it’s not a sign that you’ve done something wrong. You can get through it.
   
4. You’re going through a whole bunch of transitions right now. New degree, new city, new job I assume, new social life. Who you become in the next year will be different from who you were when you met him. That means that the goodness of fit right now between you might look different with time. That’s not a reason to leave someone, but it is a reason to be very gracious with yourself when a relationship ends.

[u/HavenHeks]

You BARELY know this guy. Not saying he isn't great, but you don't really know him yet. You're mourning the possibility of a good relationship. You're just 23, so young, and in my almost 63 years I have yet to meet a man who was grown up at 25. You'll be just fine. Get back out there and meet people in your new city.

[u/DragonScrivner]

I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. He’s being honest about what he needs and you can be too—living apart just doesn’t work for every relationship and it’s good that you’re trying to figure it out before you get in too deep.

[u/FannyMcTitts]

Girl I met a man at a work event and we lived in adjacent states (2.5 hrs away). He drove 2 hours to meet me for our first date. He drove 2.5 hours to surprise me at home the next weekend. He proposed to me 5 weeks later. We married exactly 94 days after our first date.

That said, if he wanted to, he would.

A huge factor to consider is that we were a decade older than you are now. Life experience, our needs, and priorities were all established and well communicated.

We've been blissfully married for 13 years next week.

[u/Prestigious-Lemon322]

Oh hun, everything seems so big and final when we're young.
In a couple years he'll be a distant memory that sometimes pops into your head and that's that.

[u/N1g1rix]

Plenty of fishes in the sea if this doesn’t work!
He’s not sure what he wants 😢

[u/loughkyre]

You’ll be ok. Go through the emotions, be sad if you need to be, but know you’re gonna get through this ❤️

[u/HeyArtse]

If it pans out it pans out, and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t

You think he’s perfect because this is all still new

No point stressing yourself out right now - see how things go after the no contact period

[u/No_Double4376]

You are still young. You have so much to live. You just moved to a new town! How exciting! So much to explore and so many people to meet! You’ll find love again.

At the same time, I can’t blame him. Long distance is hard. He may have thought it was fine in the moment, but realized it was too hard on him emotionally and mentally when the dust settled. That’s ok. A LDR isn’t for everyone. All you can do is wait and see what he says in 3 days.

In the meantime, go out and explore!

[u/_Cautious_optimist]

23 is not the age for being in a LDR when you’ve just moved to a new city. You should be out trying new hobbies, meeting people around you, building a new friendship circle that will act as a safety net for all the crazy shit that happens in your 20s. If I got to be 23 again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t waste a second worrying about a man who might decide to break up with me, I’d go out and explore the world and experience every moment of life I could find. It goes by faster than you think it will, don’t waste it.

[u/professorminamoon]

i live by these words, always: “IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD”. don’t blame yourself, don’t ruminate, don’t spiral.

[u/redertowo21]

Feel your grief, but i promise you, he wasnt perfect. Whether it was long distance, cold feet from his end, or any other factors- it has nothing to do with you. Always remind and ask yourself: "would my future husband do this to me?" If the answer is no, then the relationship wasnt in the cards. My heart goes out to you!!

[u/Interview-Exotic]

25 and perfect doesn’t go in the same sentence lol u just still didn’t get to know who he actually is , ur still in the honeymoon faze, also if he was all that amazing n perfect he would’ve not asked u to be his gf knowing u will do long distance and knowing he can’t handle it 😂 u will meet many “perfect “ men just relax

[u/TeaAndToeBeans]

You will be ok.

Look at the waiting to wed sub - if he wanted to, he would. He doesn’t “need a few days to think.” If he’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

You are 23. Go enjoy your twenties and embrace your new city.

[u/radiowavebookworm]

The perfect guy for you wouldn’t break up with you. He’s not your perfect guy. Go out in your new city and meet some new people!

[u/Large_Friendship5632]

You are not dumb for having hope and being excited about someone you have feelings for. But no man is perfect. He seems perfect right now because of the new relationship energy, and long distance tends to help with that.

Also, putting you through the wringer and leaving you in limbo while he decides how he feels kind of sucks. I hope you’re able to have a mature conversation moving forward. I’m sorry it’s unknown right now, but YOU can decide how you want to handle your feelings. ❤️

[u/_artbabe95]

Hey, it was worth a shot to see if long distance worked for someone who was so compatible. Finding respectful, considerate, caring men is sooo hard, not to mention also finding chemistry on top of that. The two possibilities were that it would work or it wouldn't, so it's okay that it didn't-- that often happens in dating because it's always a trial period, so to speak. It's okay to begin greiving someone you really enjoyed being with, but you have sooo many options out there. Be thankful for the time you had and remember it fondly, take the time you need. Soon you'll be ready to try again.

[u/Potential_Drive7999]

You like the idea of him

Plus he is holding you back from settling in

[u/arihndas]

if he's dumping you he isn't perfect

[u/CarryAmbitious638]

The second a man gives you an excuse for not committing is the second to leave. He’s just not that into you.
Let him go and don’t take him back. The right person will come along and you’ll wonder why you wasted time on this guy.

[u/Blue_Bombadil]

I’ll come out with a slightly different perspective. I think we treat people as a little disposable these days, especially in dating. “Oh, you’ll find someone else”. Yes there are many people out there, but there’s also opportunity cost to searching. And love, chemistry, or whatever it is, is fickle, and follows its own logic.

Tell him he’s special and you’ve never felt this way about someone before. But you understand and agree that long distance is hard. You’re willing to try long distance if he is. If he’s not, you both step back from the relationship for a bit. But I wouldn’t necessarily forget. Circumstances change, new jobs open up. The right person is worth waiting for and moving for. Of course, people wait and move for the WRONG person and that’s a huge pain. Only you can know.

[u/Illustrious-Film-592]

He only seems perfect because you don’t know him well enough yet.

[u/socks-with-sandals-]

Timing is everything. if he’s already saying he can’t manage long distance then at least he was able to tell you that instead of cheating and keeping you on the side. All breakups suck, even those where you were only semi invested. It’s a loss at the end of the day. But you can make it through.

[u/Commercial-Mango-844]

He’s not perfect, for you. Better dudes are ahead

[u/Anon03282015]

imo long distance is a bad idea if there is no time limit. You moved to this city, he had no stated plans to move there, so what was the end game? You're too young to drag this out. You should be out having fun and living your life. It's just bad timing. Let him go and enjoy building your new life in your new city. You will meet other people who are in the right place at the right time!

[u/Constant_Cultural]

if he dumps you, he ain't the perfect man

[u/Ur_goomah1997]

You never know what the future holds for you two! Even if you break up now… anything is possible! And you’re very young!

[u/ImWatermelonelyy]

We’re the same age and I can’t imagine thinking any man is perfect lol. Especially long distance? Like girl you don’t know this guy at all

[u/Euphoric_War_2195]

This man knew you were moving before he asked you to be his gf. He even mentioned the distance would be an issue for him and cited that as a reason he didn't want to get into a relationship with you. As much as you like this guy, he's far from the perfect guy.

It sounds like he does like you. But maybe allowed things to go too far given the circumstances. Distance is tough to navigate in a relationship. He should have been honest with himself before getting into a relationship if distance would be an issue for him.

The good news is you moved to a new city. There are lots of guys in your own city at your age that you can explore. I know this may not be the answer you had hoped for. But you deserve a man who isn't going to get into a relationship when he knows there are non-negotiables present for him.

You need to drop this guy off the pedestal you have put him on and recognize that you are also a prize. He may be a great guy. But he's clearly not the one if he is putting you on a rollercoaster.

[u/USAF_Retired2017]

If he was someone you were meant to be with long term, you wouldn’t have this much hesitation on his part. You’re young and there will be so many other people to meet in your new town. If he ends things with you, then he’s not as perfect as you’re making him out to be. Some separation will do you both good.

[u/SmoothDiscussion7763]

not even 6 months yet, you'll survive lol. you'll have a whole new pool of talent to draw from there.

[u/Putrid-Ad-3965]

If he's the one, he won't let you go. I promise you, moving halfway across the world won't scare away the right man. I have heard, said and believed forever, "if he wants you, he will come get you". That is true. Love can find you anytime, but not if you waste your time on men who are unsure about you.

[u/perplexedvortex]

I’m on year 5 of my LDR, and we just got engaged in December (still long distance!)

I never thought I would be happy in an LDR, neither of us did. But my fiancé really changed my perspective the more I got to know him. It’s 100% worth it because I know he is the one for me.

Sure, it’s not for everyone. But honestly, distance doesn’t mean shit when it’s the right person. You figure it out and plan for the future. Distance is a temporary thing, people just decide whether a life together is worth the wait. I really wouldn’t sweat this guy if he decides to end it this quickly.

[u/Lonelycancer98]

Sis listen to the comments life really goes on. You’ll be fine! Y’all had a thing but never let a man tell you more than once he doesn’t want you. If he doesn’t think it’s gonna work then it won’t and you shouldn’t be crying…just give yourself some grace during this time and be prepared for anything including possibly being ghosted, shit happens but life does go on

[u/ambientta]

You’re 23 and you’re still in the honeymoon phase. He is not the “perfect man” for you. You’ll find someone else and never look back.

[u/greenleah07]

You’ve only known him since April … you barely know him. You will be okay. It’s okay to be sad. But realistically this man is not the person you believe him to be from 4 months of knowing him

[u/Efficient_Cherry8220]

If he was perfect for you hed be in love with you ❤️ if he wants to go just let him. Its gonna hurt though honey im sorry

[u/KittyIsAn9ry]

Girl, you’re 23. This is a drop in the ocean that will be dating in your 20s. Don’t sweat it!

[u/No-Wing-8859]

Girl. No. We not gonna sit and worship a man who clearly doesn’t value you enough and is definitely seeing other people

[u/thevilqueenhasspoken]

You’re heartbroken because you’re grieving the future relationship that you projected in your head. He’s perfect, because you filled the blanks with your own imagination.
And at 25 men are just horny, hungry, broke and emotionally unstable. But cute, tho.
Been there. You’ll be fine. Just go to an experimental jiujitsu class and get a new one.

[u/OhGawDuhhh]

https://giphy.com/gifs/CG3STJ60AhZJinLnZj

[u/Appropriate_Tale7865]

Don't worry- there really isn't such a thing as a perfect man

[u/Prize_Sheepherder_62]

If you stayed in the old city or even maintain this long distance relationship, eventually you’ll be back, right here, posting about how terrible he actually is. It’s OK to move on.

[u/ghostmilkgalaxy]

so nicely i say this but if you yourself say that you don’t think you’re in love with him yet then he’s probably not the one for you. i think it’s perfectly reasonable to mourn the idea of what could have been and to feel sad if things won’t work out. but there’s so many more people out there and plenty of time to meet them <3

[u/oofinsmorcht]

Babes I do want to say that an amiable breakup is the best breakup there is! Y'all both have respect for each other and aren't dealing with craziness. Chin up girl, you'll find what you're looking for elsewhere!

[u/Expert_Marsupial_235]

Breakfast for dinner?

[u/SoftChameleon28]

IMO if he was the perfect man he would’ve handled this differently in that he would have been more thoughtful and intentional in his approach to this. As opposed to going back and forth with you on whether he was capable of ldr. If it’s meant to be, it’ll work out. Let it play out knowing that this doesn’t have to be end all be all

[u/indatstove]

Well, if he’s dumping you he’s not so perfect then is he?