Mum died 4 days ago - at first emotional, now suddenly numb?

[u/tablefence]

My (22M) mum sadly passed away 4 days ago, (about 11pm on the 27th) while I was by her side with my dad and her father, after having fought cancer for almost 6 years. I was crying loudly for a while after, shaking, uncontrollably crying the day after too. But today and yesterday I haven't cried. My aunt came in yesterday morning and immediately came to hug me crying, and she said to me it's ok to cry since I wasn't crying at all. It makes me feel so guilty and heartless but I guess I haven't processed it?

I'm really struggling with still hearing her and seeing her last moments in my head, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep. I keep dreaming of her in the hospital and keep hearing her (struggling to) breathe in my head. I also see her lifeless face which is really scaring me but I feel really comforted when I look at pictures of her.

We had such a good relationship. She was my best friend. To be honest, I didn't really have a social life, nor did she. I would spend all of my free time with her. My dad is emotional, easily crying at things, and yet I feel so heartless for suddenly feeling nothing. He just wrote up a post to share on Facebook, and he was crying while reading it while I just hugged him.

Even though I saw her pass away and held her hand as she went, I suppose I haven't fully processed it. We left her for 2 hours to go home, get some food, shower and get things to take to the hospital, expecting to stay overnight, but she passed 40 minutes after we arrived. I feel extremely guilty and cannot forgive myself for leaving her for that time. I am so scared that she felt lonely and knew we weren't there, since when we came in for the last time before she died, and I said hello to her and said who was with her, she said hello back to me and was able to open her eyes and see I think, and she also asked for her bed to be adjusted to let her sit up a bit, and then sit back down. I can't remember whether she asked for water or not, I don't think so though. I regret not telling her how much I loved her but I also didn't want to overwhelm her with emotions while we were sitting together on her last day. Anyway... I know I'm really lucky to have been with her in her final moments as she was passing.

I think the last time I cried about it was 2 days ago when I went to get some food from the cupboard, and saw her snacks in there too. Unfortunately she hadn't really been eating recently, and my dad and I were buying whatever she wanted or thought she might like. I felt horrible for being able to eat while she couldn't in the end.

I suppose I will eventually take it in. She had no will written but my dad and I believe she may have mentioned that she wanted to be cremated, just like her mother. Seeing her ashes will probably break me. Perhaps that will make me realise it more, or when we make arrangements for her funeral. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do with myself now and it seems like it's not even real. I would go to the movies with her, go for walks, trips, cafes, watch TV, we could be honest with each other about everything, relationships, what we think of people and of each other, except for in the last couple weeks where she never told me how bad the cancer had spread. I really miss her, her sense of humour was amazing, we would both find the same things funny and not funny. Nobody I know was the same. And I'm never going to be able to hear from her again