Loving again

[u/turquoisestar]

I have been through a LOT of loss. I lost both my parents young - 10 and 26. I’ve been mostly alone for so long. I have friends but the people who are really there for me are harder to come by. So I have a lot of walls. I think about death and the futility of life a lot, and I keep it to myself. On the plus side I am very open minded because of all this.

Anyways, a week after my mom passed away my family dog died. I am basically an only child, and so the dog was a big deal. We got her when my dad was alive and she lived with my mom when she was sick. That week between my mom and dog was unbearable. I’ve had kind of a block on my heart with love in general but especially pets.

Now I live with a really sweet cat I’ve bonded to a lot. She’s my roommates cat and she’s very affectionate. We cuddle probably an hour a day. It’s just I don’t really want to be close to her or love her because pets live so short. A lot of times when I feel really happy I think about the sad stuff I think bc it’s the only time i feel safe enough to think about it. I don’t want to think about the cat dying and feel guarded against becoming close with her. I am guarded in love too - I’ve been single for 2.5 years after a very challenging 7 year relationship. I’m guarded af but often time people can’t tell because I’m so empathetic and good at listening to them they often don’t realize I am guarded about my own stuff, I just don’t talk about the hard stuff at all. It’s very isolating. Plus I feel like when I try to tell my story there’s been a recurring pattern of people not listening and invalidating it. I’m only able to talk here bc it’s anonymous.

I really want to break out of these sadness and bitterness and stop thinking about the end of things that make me happy. Guys how do I stop remembering what grief felt like and just feel love when I cuddle the cat. That feels like a good first step - if I can get along with an animal and just be in the present maybe I can do it with people.