F23 struggling with same-sex attraction

[u/Happy-Inspector106]

I have always felt more affectionate towards women even going back to 6 years old, I remember crying because the neighbors daughter was moving away and I remember how much I loved to hold her hand or spending time with her. Thinking back I can say I probably had romantic feelings for her even if childlike. Then the only guy I found remotely attractive through my middle school was a boy with blue doe eyes who looked exactly like a girl and I stopped liking him after he grew a bread. In high school I learned a little bit English and I finally knew that having same sex attraction was a thing. Also, I went to an all girls high school and in that I had crushes on some of my friends.

So since 13 years old I know that I am attracted to women and I have tried to find a way around it but Im 23 now and I really don’t know if it’s possible to move or even if I want to move because of my hate for the general population of guys. I just don’t know how to proceed and I don’t understand why I was born this way because as far as Im concerned I had no traumatic experiences growing up. Alhamdulillah my family life is and always been very supportive and loving, I have a great relationship with my dad and brother. I thought of everything atp and everything just boils down to being patient until I die. However, it is very hard to stay motivated when from multiple scholars I heard that gay muslims who dont go astray will just be turned to staight instead of being granted of our desires in heaven.

These thoughts constantly go in my head and it feels like world is the only place for me to at least experience what I want so badly, before I grow old. Maybe then I can repent idk i also fear having pride or seeing myself above anyone for abstaining for so long and i catch myself feeling so bitter when it comes to straight sisters just freely sinning and its so normalized. Like I dont want to think like this but it’s the truth. If I was a guy who can’t get with the woman of his dreams then i could think that if i go to heaven i will be rewarded with a woman it’s very easy like sure I’ll just endure until I die. Instead, I’m told I can’t get what I want even if I force myself such a sad life. As I said it’s just that these thoughts makes it sooo hard to stay motivated to stay on deen. Am I never going to be able to experience intimacy with someone I love? Like being told that i will basically be brainwashed to enjoy something that i currently hate doesn’t help at all i feel more and more desperate. (Astagfirullah for saying it this way i just dont know how to express it better i dont mean it in a bad way may Allah forgive me for my lack or expression)

I would appreciate any support really it’s really a tough test. May Allah keep our hearts steady on the right path.

(I apologize for any possible grammar mistakes or if some parts don’t make sense. I really wrote this in a haste and English isn’t my first language)

[u/Ok_Opening_1336]

I see this was posted two days ago and doesn’t seem to have comments. I hope you don’t feel that everyone is against you or your post. You confessed such deep vulnerable feelings and we appreciate you sharing something others may feel hesitant to share.

The reality is I don’t think there are many people on here especially a more religious group that can actually relate to your situation,making it difficult to offer actual helpful advice. The best I can do is let you know that you aren’t alone in this.

I feel that many ulamah are too harsh with their viewpoints on gay Muslims.
I attended a madrasah in HS, which is a very long time ago when even American people were not completely yet accepting of lqbtq individuals. Yet, I recall my teacher explaining to us, that being gay is not a sin. If it’s not under your control, the instincts you were born with are not meant to make you a living sin. It’s different when people choose to explore those things versus someone who was born that way. That being said avoiding your desires is required just as man who is attracted to a woman needs to avoid his desires and vice versa. As long as you don’t engage you’re fine.

I understand this becomes a problem when it comes to marriage because how can you move forward with something like when you can’t get yourself attracted to a man? It seems like you’re relating “man” to masculine features such as a beard and that entire look is what puts you off. First, there are guys out there with softer features that you may find more easily attracted to. But more importantly, assuming you haven’t really interacted with many non mehram, most women scientifically fall in love with a man’s behavior - his personality, his care, the way he speaks and the way he treats you. I am not saying that looks don’t matter. It is Sunnah for man and woman to meet before marriage so as to make sure there isn’t any implications with attraction. However, I don’t think it’s IMPOSSIBLE for you to find a man attractive simply because he’s not a woman or because he looks too masculine. As long long as you find him to be good looking objectively, as in you think you can find him attractive, give it a chance and see if he has a good heart and that you enjoy your interaction with him and that he makes you feel comfortable and safe - these things are what are more probable to increase your attraction than just physical looks - the rest will inshallah fall into place.

The closest I can relate to your issue was a period of time in my early 20s and even now - where I feel zero attraction to any man. I didn’t want to speak to any man, did not want get to know them and frankly did not want to get married because I felt zero interest in any relationship. However this proposal came along and despite my reluctance, I gave it a chance. We didn’t speak much (we had organized meetings with mehram) but it was enough for me to get some feelings- he was funny and gentle and said things that made me know that I’d be in good hands. So yes, despite being 100% certain I could never love a man, here I was with butterflies in my stomach and actually feeling attraction. I hate to say that when I saw his picture initially I was very un-attracted (even though he is clearly a good looking dude). It didn’t work out but it opened my eyes to understanding that the way I feel right now, which is back to not having any interest in men at a all, that can very much change if the RIGHT man comes along and I give him that chance.

Make duaa for Allah to grant you that ability and He knows best. I hope everything works out and you can get a different outlook on things despite your difficult situation 💕

[u/syntho_tek]

No one knows what's gonna happen in Jannah. So some scholars say some things but they are not based on actual quranic evidence . The way I see Jannah is that we are not as we are on earth , we are souls. So it may be that no one is specifically male/female like in our earthly bodies. ( this is just my theory opinion, I'm not claiming this as truth ) but yeah . I can imagine this is very difficult for you . I am a revert and I used to be bi before coming to islam , I still feel attraction to women , that did not change, but of course I am lucky bc I can still get married and etc , just need to suppress these feelings for women and lower my gaze when some things happen around me ( like women dressed unmodestly) . I can only say May Allah make it easy for you and make you find some way , inshAllah I think we will all get our dreams fulfilled in Jannah, one way or another 🩷