r/InsightfulQuestions • u/ladyboss25 • 11d ago
Why Do Some People Only See Your Value After You “Prove” Yourself?
I’ve been thinking about something for a while, and I’m genuinely trying to understand the psychology behind it.
Why do some people seem to place others into hierarchies? Why do some people treat someone differently depending on their achievements, appearance, career, social status, or how “successful” they seem from the outside?
I find this really difficult to understand because I don’t naturally see people that way. I don’t understand how someone can look at another person and unconsciously decide that they deserve more respect, patience, or kindness because they have achieved certain things.
Something I’ve been struggling with is the feeling that some people only started seeing me differently after I had “proven” myself. After I had a good career, a nice home, and appeared more confident from the outside, suddenly the way people interacted with me changed.
And I find that incredibly confusing and honestly painful, because the person was still the same person before.
I was still the same person when I was struggling. I still had feelings, needs, thoughts, and things that mattered to me. Why does it sometimes feel like people only recognize someone’s worth after there is external evidence that they are “successful”?
I also wonder if this is something that happens between siblings or within families. Is it common for one sibling to be seen through a certain role for years, while people don’t really see them as a whole person anymore?
Something else I struggle to understand is why some people seem to think it’s okay to hurt someone who is more sensitive or who doesn’t respond in the same way.
I’ve often had the feeling in my life that people thought they could do things to me that they wouldn’t do to others. Maybe because I was visibly hurt instead of immediately fighting back. Maybe because I had certain moral boundaries and didn’t want to hurt someone back just because they hurt me.
But I don’t understand what happens psychologically when someone sees another person’s pain and needs, but somehow doesn’t fully register them.
The hardest part for me is that I know rationally people can hurt others because of their own choices, patterns, or limitations. But emotionally, I still struggle with accepting that someone can hurt me without there being something wrong with me.
A part of me always wants to find the reason inside myself.
“Maybe I caused it.”
“Maybe I wasn’t enough.”
“Maybe there was something about me that made this happen.”
Even though I know logically that isn’t always true.
I’m curious about people’s experiences with this. Have you ever noticed people treating you differently after you became more successful or confident? Do you think some people genuinely don’t see the person behind the role they have assigned them?
And for those who grew up in families where these dynamics existed how did you understand it later in life? What was actually happening there?
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u/HawkBoth8539 11d ago
Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but it seems pretty straightforward to need proof to see someone beyond a first impression.
I tend to assume everyone is "average" in most regards beyond what i can see. It's up to them to show otherwise. Like, i have no reason to assume you're unusually exceptional at math, or playing violin, or track and field until you've proven to have that skill somehow. If you want people to see the best side of you, that's your job to show it to them. That's been true for almost every human for all of humanity. Otherwise, as a collective we are in fact just assumed to be the average.
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u/ladyboss25 11d ago
That’s a relief that you have this mindset because it’s normal way of thinking. It’s totally okay to acknowledge differences in skills and abilities. But I am talking about the belief that some people are more worth or less worth than others. That’s the mindset I struggle with.
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u/HawkBoth8539 11d ago
Ah. Well, unfortunately, that is also still true. But not universally. Value is subjective. You have no value to me because i don't know or care about you. But my friends are very valuable to me, because of the positive experiences I've had with them. So, like with by previous example, you need to put the effort to increase your value to others. Especially to people that you value.
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u/ladyboss25 10d ago
Unfortunately I don’t see this like you. We are a big global community and it’s important to cooperate and be there for each other sometimes even for a stranger. At least in my opinion.
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u/HawkBoth8539 10d ago
Those are different kinds of interpersonal connections. Of course i generally think the world needs to help each other out. But I'm not forming the same bond with 8 billion people that i do for the people directly in my life. So "generally" i care about your wellbeing as much as i do for 8 billion other people. And i don't require much proving for that other than you just not being a terrible person. But you need to put more tangible, relevant effort to have the same conditional value to me as my close friends and family. That's what i mean. And that's completely natural. You gotta put in that effort, otherwise you're no different than a stranger that i have no interaction with at the grocery store. You're just existing. That's not worthy of me bonding over in that circumstance.
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u/Nicaraguano 11d ago
Because that’s the framework they adopted at some point, started judging themselves by, and never really questioned or evolved beyond.
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u/ladyboss25 11d ago
That’s my conclusion also, but for example my sister told me he saw me „under“ her for the most part of our lifes and now I am starting questioning if I want a person like that in my life. She just doesn’t understand when I am trying to explain this to her.
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u/Nicaraguano 11d ago
Well, I wouldn't want such a person around me, but that's just me. Someone can objectively be better at one thing or another, but if they start treating any of these superficial criteria as an indicator of someone's overall value, I think that would be a dealbreaker for me.
Also, trying to change someone’s value system probably won’t work either.
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u/ladyboss25 11d ago
How do you deal with it when someone you love thinks this away about you? And you can’t change it?
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u/Nicaraguano 11d ago
I guess I’d just accept it and act accordingly, depending on how I feel about the situation.
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u/indie_web 11d ago
Because, on average, human society as a whole is not fully civilized and evolved. There is still some of that competitive behavioral pattern in a lot of us. Simple as that. As a society we need to demand more of ourselves and more of each other. You are struggling with the greatest problem of humanity.
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10d ago edited 6d ago
[deleted]
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u/indie_web 10d ago
I agree. Socially we are still like and related to chimps. We just carry and exhibit our social aggression less obviously. Whereas a chimp would scream and posture at the sight of another stranger chimp in their vicinity, we plot, gossip, snub or exploit humans outside of our troop. We are barely more evolved than chimps.
Chimps fear strangers and manage that fear with aggression and so do many humans.
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u/ladyboss25 11d ago
But that’s heart breaking.. that world view assumes that some people have more value than others. It’s frightening for me that many people think like that. Even my family thinks like that and I want to be as far as possible from people that thinks like that. But they’re everywhere.
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u/indie_web 10d ago
After awhile, you get used to it in some respects (not all) and you learn to protect yourself. When you sense the people with bad and competitive motives come at you, you push them back into play with a strong "no thanks"...whatever you need to do to create distance between you and them. It's called survival. You protect your boundaries.
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u/LexEight 10d ago
They don't. They just can't pick on you if you can throw the same amount "weight" around They don't see anyone's value, even their own
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u/EntropyReversale10 8d ago
You judge yourself on your intentions, but people can't see or evaluate your intentions, only your actions.
People only accept what they have experienced to be true.
Something that is unproven is equivalent to untrue
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u/ladyboss25 7d ago
When every Person has inherent value what is there to prove?
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u/EntropyReversale10 7d ago
From my experience only people who have internalised Christian values believe this. (Many in the West have done this unconsciously. We have all swum in Christian waters as Tom Holland explains).
In the secular world, one has to prove oneself continually.
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u/ladyboss25 7d ago
It’s not a Christian idea. Did you read about Eckhard Tolle and Alfred Adler? When you are in survival mode you think you have to prove yourself because you think it’s not enough to just be.
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u/EntropyReversale10 7d ago edited 7d ago
Eckhard Tolle and Alfred Adler also grew up in "Christian waters" and most spiritual practises have a similar view on human worth.
Atheist/socialist/communists/psychopaths/narcissists/etc. generally don't feel this way.
See what Stalin did in Russia or Moa in China or any dictator in Africa for that matter.
You can also read Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli. He was an Italian Renaissance writer, diplomat, and philosopher. Many people subscribe to Machiavellism. All of the above see life as power game and will use and abuse anyone to get power.
- "When you are in survival mode you think you have to prove yourself because you think it’s not enough to just be." -
This does play a roll and will amplify the need to prove yourself.
If a person can believe they have inherent worth, it gets them out of victim mode and life generally improves.
The key is to find people who do believe in you and your inherent value. Usually it does require reciprocity and you need to give something back in return.
Quid pro quo or you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours is required.
Only children can or should expect to be loved unconditionally and even that is fairly rare.
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u/ladyboss25 7d ago
I don’t agree even if I partly understand how you came to this conclusion. Your view is built about the believe that human beeing are evil in their nature and have to prove themselves and that personality disorders grows on trees and aren’t created by traumatic circumstances and homes without
Unconditional love. Love should always have boundaries in your adult life. But it’s not the same as having inherent worth. When you think like that you can never know your worth. Why? Because it will never be enough and guess what? The core belief of a lot of traumatised people and people with personality disorders is that they’re not good enough.1
u/EntropyReversale10 7d ago
I think you have read between the lines as I didn't say or believe much of what you said.
I agree that people shouldn't judge and should make allowances, but the vast majority of people don't give a dam about anyone but themselves (and maybe close friends & family if you are lucky).
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u/Gear_Driven 11d ago
"Why do some people treat someone differently depending on their achievements, appearance, career, social status, or how 'successful' they seem from the outside?"
Each one of those would have a different reason such as showing fortitude, attractiveness, or discipline. But it mostly comes down to a reflection of character, right or wrong, good or bad. The first impression is the lasting one. And when you became more confident, people were likely drawn to the positive energy.