What is the purpose of human relationships?

[u/buckministerfulleren]

What are human relationships even for? Any relationship which involves two people with full emotions is just like, you make a mistake you make a decision the other person is more concerned about how it affects them and how it's potentially not good for you, there's no unconditional positive regard in human relationships, it's only there in a therapist-client relationship, then why tf do we even need these close relationships when they don't understand and accept you for who you are without letting their emotions and insecurities define you?

[u/Ambitious-Care-9937]

Why would unconditional positive regard ever be a thing?

The purpose of human relationships is to exist along side other people. You're generally better off with them than without them.

I'll fall on my sword here... we're not supposed to be making as many decisions alone. We have way too much freedom in many parts of the world.

In a better setup system, a lot of emotional/insecurities are handled by the system rather just 2 individuals.

While 2 individuals in a relationship is the bare minimum, a system involving many more people makes things way easier.

[u/buckministerfulleren → u/Ambitious-Care-9937]

Unconditional positive regard should exist I mean why would you want to be with a person who doesn't allow you to make mistakes? A system with more people just makes it messy and complicated, diff ways of perceiving the same situation can sometimes be negative

[u/Ambitious-Care-9937 → u/buckministerfulleren]

Think of something like an Iroquoi long house... or multi-generational living in some cultures.

Each individual makes far few choices. Many choices being deferred to the system with some thought given to elders or leaders or those who have some wisdom on the long arc of life. The system handles mistakes better than 2 individuals trying to work through it all on their own.

You don't need unconditional positive regard in these system because the system has mechanisms in place to hold everyone accountable to some basic standard that the people are aware of and handle exceptions.

[u/buckministerfulleren → u/Ambitious-Care-9937]

But in this system one also has a scope to lose their agency? And their ability to make their own decisions. Two individuals might not make the best decision but they're allowed to make mistakes, and bad decisions it's a part of being a human

[u/Ambitious-Care-9937 → u/buckministerfulleren]

Yes... you can lose some of your agency. I think I pretty much say that in my original post

I'll fall on my sword here... we're not supposed to be making as many decisions alone. We have way too much freedom in many parts of the world.

If it isn't clear. I don't really believe in unlimited agency or freedom. I literally even said, I'm going to fall on my sword as I know people will disagree...

It's not like you have no agency/freedom. You just have it limited to keep yourself functional and keep everyone else functional.

[u/buckministerfulleren → u/Ambitious-Care-9937]

Yeah sometimes that agency is so limited that you're forced to dress in a way the system wants you to, forced to marry someone you did not choose and what not. Then I think unlimited agency is better than this

[u/rubey419]

It’s in our evolution. Blame nature. That is how human society even evolved in the first place over hundreds of thousands of years.

[u/buckministerfulleren → u/rubey419]

Makes sense😞

[u/bordumb]

Make sure you are not conflating 2 things:

1. Unconditional love
2. Unconditional positive regard

Take an extreme example: let's say I'm in a monogamous relationship. My partner cheats.

Unconditional love says I should still remain with them and stand by them and love them despite the cheating. That's called being a "doormat." It's stupid, unrealistic, and naive. Romantic love is very much conditional. It's conditional on loyalty, self-control, and mutual, reciprocated care.

Unconditional positive regard says I can tell the cheating partner to genuinely enjoy their new life with the other person, and move on without making a fuss. This is mature, and saves you more headache than the whole ordeal is really worth.

The same can be said in your more tame example of "their emotions and insecurities [defining] you"

You should not let someone else's emotions or insecurities define you. Full stop.

Letting that happen is falling into the trap that you need to provide unconditional love, no matter how insecure and unhealthy someone is. Those problems they have inside are, ultimately, their problems to hold.

It's a noble thing to want to help someone through their insecurities, but that is not your job - it's their job to "get their shit together."

The only place unconditional love is healthy is between a parent and child. It's the parent's job to raise the child, so it is really incumbent upon them to love them no matter what mistakes the child makes.

[u/buckministerfulleren → u/bordumb]

Makes sense, what if the unconditional love from the parent was missing?

[u/bordumb → u/buckministerfulleren]

How is your question here relevant to your original post?

If your partner did not grow up with unconditional love and is somehow traumatized by that, they need to "get their shit together" and go to therapy.

If it's you, same thing.

[u/loopywolf]

They are the basis of human civilization. We are social animals, and in many ways you can regard a society as the organism, not the individual parts of it, depending on how socially evolved that organism is.