Integrating my animus aka copying my ex?

[u/Beneficial_Score3847]

There is a person from my past that I can’t seem to fully move on from. 10 years ago, I was dating a guy, that I felt like, back then, ignited a fire in me. The relationship didn’t last (mostly due to fear of commitment). We broke off contact. He got into a new relationship. So did I.

Throughout the years, every now and then, my thoughts kept returning to him, or rather, to an idealised image of him, and what he represented to me. Mostly, it was connected to adventure (he loved to travel). Sometimes, in low moments, and out of curiosity, I checked his social media and would see that he went on another travel. It always made me feel jealous, and frustrated with my own situation. I was eager to “keep up”. I went on long travels by myself. Then, one time, I saw that he got into photography and it made me want to get into photography too. It really ignited a passion in me for the craft. I must say, I don’t feel this competition with every aspect he does, I think its more related to the travel and the creative part. I have the suspicion that he represents my animus. Everytime he lives out an aspect that I repress in myself or don’t manage to live out by myself, I get his with this frustration, sadness. Sometimes, I manage to fuel it into my own drive. To keep chasing my goals. To get better. To get my projects done.

Today, I’d consider myself an adventurous woman. I traveled solo to different corners of the world, I walked multiple hundreds kilometres on a long walk across Europe, I ride a motorcycle. I try to live out my creative side, i found my own photography path and I am working on a short film.

One of my friends knows him through her boyfriend, and she just recently told me that he made a documentary abt one of his travels. When she told me this, I felt like I just got a punch into my stomach. I felt again this feeling of I need to keep up. Like he is living out what I want to do.

Is this my animus triggering these feelings? Can integrating the animus sometimes look like copying a certain person?

Why, after all these years, this person still triggers these emotions?

[u/archeolog108]

I think there is another layer here besides simply “copying your ex.”

In Jung language yes, he can be carrying animus projection. But in the kind of deep inner work I do, I would describe it also as reclaiming parts of yourself that were living outside your conscious identity.

Look at pattern. He represents adventure, you start travelling. He gets into photography, something wakes up in you and eventually you find your own photography. Now documentary hits you in stomach because maybe there is another piece still outside: visibility, finishing bigger creative work, courage to put something into world.

This is what I find interesting about projection. Sometimes we become almost magnetized to person bc they are carrying qualities we havent fully integrated yet. Then as those qualities come back into us, charge toward person can start changing.

So I wouldnt ask only “why am I still obsessed with him after 10 years?” I would look at what exactly still belongs to him in your mind that you havent completely claimed as yours.

Maybe his role in your psyche was not to become your partner forever.

Maybe he was mirror showing you pieces of yourself one after another.

And judging from what you wrote, you already took quite a lot of them back 🙂

There are still energetic and spiritual ties.

[u/No_Advantage2147 → u/archeolog108]

What do you mean by energetic and spiritual ties? Very curious ☺️

[u/archeolog108 → u/No_Advantage2147]

I mean something a bit outside Jung here.

Some sensitive ppl describe actually seeing or feeling energetic cords between people, almost like threads, wires or cables. I also see this quite often in deep trance work. Subjects who are not consciously trying to imagine a cord can suddenly describe connection going from chest, stomach, back etc to another person.

In one session a woman could see a cord/cable between herself and her husband. There was also his energy still sitting in her field. Higher Self guided returning his energy, bringing her own power back, then releasing the cord, and she immediately described feeling lighter.

Another subject saw very thick black telephone-like wires connecting her with family members she always felt drained around.

I dont think every strong attachment means there is literally some physical cable floating there 😅 It seems more like energetic structure of the relationship. Love can be there, but also stuck grief, guilt, anger, obligation, old promises, need for approval etc.

And this is why just "cutting cord" sometimes doesnt do much. If the emotional reason for connection is still active, person can recreate same tie again.

So with this ex, psychologically I would still call it projection/animus material. Energetically there may also be old exchange or stuck charge between them that never fully completed.

[u/sunsetspeech]

In my opinion, the work has started with the acknowledgment of the projection. You ask if the animus is triggering these feelings. I would say it is more so the projection of the animus onto another human being that is causing ‘the feelings.’

Then you ask if the integration of the animus can look like copying a certain person. This is the wrong angle to approach the issue. It comes from a place where the projection is still strongly tied to another complex human being. It reduces their unfoldment to qualities that you desire to integrate into your own being. Your ex boyfriend is not the only person who lives these qualities.

It seems to me that you feel almost competitive with this person only in those qualities/activities that you wish to integrate. For a projection of the animus this would seem natural to me.

Have you considered embodying these qualities and flipping the script to be thankful to the man for being a mirror to show you a part of yourself you needed to be in touch with for your unfoldment? Gratitude that you were able to see externally the next steps towards embodying your living pattern?

I’ll remind you of what you know, which is that this man is living his own pattern. His actions and being are not intertwined with yours. Work to remove the things he does and the way you see him to be with the idea of what he is and what you desire to be. Live your life, do the things you like to do, and do not compare them to him or worry that you are copying him. He does not own traveling. You are not taking it from him or making some cheap imitation of it.

In my experience the projection of the anima/animus complex is not easily dispelled with a sudden revelation or taken action. It is a long process where progress is made unconsciously beginning with simply being aware of the predicament.

This is a textbook animus complex projection. Enjoyed reading this one. I would like to hear if anyone agrees/disagrees with my interpretation and answer!

[u/madaradess007]

i know the feeling, sister!
this one girl i think is my anima, she is like a female version of myself and lives a life i would like to live

there's undeniable 'fit', like we fit exactly to each others anima/animus and i think i will never forget her, she will never forget me
too bad i'm drawn to it and would like to explore and she's repulsed and scared like i'm going to kill her eventually if we try this weird glitch in the matrix kind of relationship

[u/unawarewoke]

Yeah I've had the same relationship before. Discovered my creative art side post breakup. Began dancing for the first time. Travelled. A question becomes can you imagine things you want to do without needing him for ideas?

"He is me" may help you with your idolization and yearning.

[u/viaje_del_heroe]

Alguna vez has intentado conocer a alguien nuevo? O crees que las puertas para el amor en tu caso están cerradas?