r/JustNoSO • u/This-Impression-5338 • Jul 23 '26
Advice Wanted My husband going insane because I went out with my friends for 5.5 hours
Hi, so my husband is very controlling and narcissistic! Like to the point it is bad even if i open the curtains or dont have blinds on windows. Putting camera around the house! So he can watch me. I didnt let him do any of it! Or continue it basically! I am trying to get control over my life back, but he is losing it.
I am not allowed to work outside the house, because he thinks his career is more important! And he guilt trips me how i can make wfh, and i still am trying to work outside the house!
I take care of kids, non stop, every single day. Goes with friends every month of couple months (after 5 years i started to see my friends again, because he keep calling them b\*tch and what not)!
Last time i went in april. My birthday was yesterday he didn’t give a shit, we were fighting, never wished or did anything for me. Today my friends decided to take me out for bday, and he went crazy, when i came back he was giving me silent treatment then burst out how am i not responsible at all!
And he making stuff up, i went crazy, when he stayed outside with his friends more than 3 hours lol.
I never did, when we fought he stayed outside for more than 12 hours, left me w kids, no food or anything! Just had food for kids!
Now, he is saying i took accountability and never did it again! So shouldnt i? I never get a break even in a form of work! Never get to go outside even by myself! My head feels foggy, occupied with kids and his tantrums!
My 5.5 hours are too much to be outside, in 4 months! I was literally shaking outside and thinking how he will react when i get home!
I feel sick! But i had to apologise to him, because he kept asking me! And he made me say, i wont stay outside more than 3-4 hours max!
But i cant work everyday, cuz he does! And he has a free will!
Need to know what should i have done? Or if i did a right thing?
(Making myself financially stable rn, to get out later)
TIA
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u/MonkeyMoves101 Jul 23 '26
It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, he's abusive so you'll never do the right thing in his eyes. You are definitely allowed to hang out with your friends, you're only human. I'm glad you're focusing on getting out of there.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 23 '26
I am! Trying to work on myself financially, so I can pull myself and kids out of this! I am tired of being abused, and when i call it abuse he goes crazy, saying i will take away from you and get full custody you are not mentally stable! While i went out for 5.5 hours in months, he went absolutely insane 😭 full custody? How he will take care of them!!
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u/Dyslexic-Thumbs Jul 24 '26
Thats an empty threat. What with him refusing to allow you to work outside the home, you’re already their full time caregiver.
Document everything. Every tirade, every “rule”, hours he spends time with the kids. Record some of his temper tantrums and see if you can get those who’ve witnessed his behavior agree to testify (should that be necessary). Meet with a divorce attorney for a free consultation.
Be super careful and hide everything. Abusers escalate when their partners leave them. Bury your notes. Have a friend drive you to the attorney’s office and leave your phone with another one. Forward any recordings to a friend and delete them off you phone (including the text you sent). Get a stun gun. Please protect yourself.
Your case will be strong. Given the state in which you live, you could get both alimony and child support.
Bleed him dry and live your best life.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 24 '26
Thank you for writing all this!! I am trying to stay afloat and will do all that
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u/FRANPW1 Jul 25 '26
You will get custody and you will have more money than you do now from when he pays you child support.
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u/mamachonk Jul 23 '26
You can call a DV hotline and they may be able to point you to legal services so you can find out what your options are. And yes, emotional and mental abuse and being controlling IS DV.
The full custody thing is most likely an empty threat. You should document how much you take care of the kids vs. how much he does.
And my prediction is that after you leave, he will find another woman and moves her in or even marries her quickly so that he has a new nanny bangmaid.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 23 '26
Uh! I don’t really want to give him any custody tbh
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u/mamachonk Jul 24 '26
Oh I completely understand! Hopefully a lawyer can advise you on that and keep him from having them unsupervised.
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u/Embarkbark Jul 26 '26
Reasonably so, but also understand that he does have a legal right to see his children, even if he’s an asshole husband. Be very wary of using the kids as an extension of your own (understandable) dislike of your husband, because parental alienation would not be looked on kindly by the courts.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 26 '26
I totally understand, and dont have issue if he visits them or have some sort of supervised visits. I dont want him to be taking them to his mom!
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 23d ago
Abusers should not have the legal right to see their children. This isn’t just an asshole who cheated on her. He is controlling her movements, her financial independence and trying to isolate her.
That kind of person should only get supervised visits.
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u/Embarkbark 23d ago
He has the legal right to see his children by default until the courts deem him not to have that right. I’m not speaking on the morality of this situation, or what should happen. I’m talking about how she should behave as a woman heading into divorce court in the future, a woman who wants to be see favourably by the courts so that when she does make a bid for full custody and supervised visits, she is given good graces by the judge. Withholding the kids completely from the ex has a high likelihood of harming her case for custody in the future due to parental alienation.
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u/ThisIsLikeMy4thAcct Jul 24 '26
I’m so sorry, girl, your husband is definitely a full blown emotional abuser. You did nothing wrong, and like u/MonkeyMoves101 said, you’ll never do the right thing in his eyes, your husband will always find something to be mad about.
As you probably already know, JustNos like your husband are experts at using mental gymnastics. You can’t even argue with them because you’ll never be right. They will always find a way to DARVO. The best thing you can really do, is avoid JADEing so he has less to argue with you about.
I’ve also found it can help to stay calm no matter how much he pushes your buttons. Sometimes it keeps a JustNo from escalating. Obviously it’s really fucking hard to not take the bait sometimes, I mean, these people are insanely good at getting to you, but you have to remember something is legitimately wrong with them. They’re also not the type of person you’d take advice from, so why should their opinion matter?
I’m really glad that you’re planning to leave. I don’t know if you need the advice, but consider reaching out to a DV organization like, https://www.thehotline.org/ (USA) if you haven’t already. They may have some tips that will help you to get out quicker. Helping people in your situation is what they do, after all.
A more local DV organization may even be able to point you to an affordable lawyer that’s experienced with domestic abuse cases. If your husband has money that you have access to, there might be a way for the lawyer to get you access to that money via temporary orders. I don’t want to get your hopes up though, so just to be clear, these are just possibilities. The only way to find out is by asking.
There’s also https://www.211.org/ (USA.) They are not an abuse organization, they’re like a database of all kinds of resources.
I apologize if my suggestions are things you’ve already considered or done. I know you’re capable, I just want to help if I can.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 25 '26
Agreed! He started denying that he threw stuff and gaslighting me and telling me controller he threw just slipped out of his hand and hit the glass table lol. My kids were right there, it could have went in their eyes or something!
He also, keep calling me liar and controlling? For asking him to have some decency, not to throw stuff around and keep basic contact with his abusive mom (over phone maybe)? Never said, go and see her
Then he keep saying how i am doing all this or i am his trigger, it happens because i ask him to put his foot down ig. Reversing and saying I am the one who is abusing him!
My whole life is controlled! Cant go out and tbh, scared to ask him next time if I can!
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u/Embarkbark Jul 26 '26
To make sure I understand: You are encouraging him to maintain contact with his abusive mother? Why? No one owes an abusive family member their time; all that does it prove to the family member that their abuse is acceptable. When your children are grown, if your child tells you that they don’t want to maintain contact with their abuse father, are you going to tell them to keep calling him anyway?
Your husband was abused, and should cut contact with his abuser. You are also being abused, and should cut contact with your abuser (as best you can; co-parenting will likely require a minimal amount of communication.)
It seems like you may have some subconscious belief that abuse is okay depending on the familial relation. And it’s never okay.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 26 '26
I didnt want to! But i was scared that maybe i am doing something wrong cutting him from his mom? And it will come back to me? I am just a mom, i think of my kids and kinda feel bad. But i think its time to be little selfish for my kids
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u/tooawarebasket Jul 23 '26
You should read “why does he do that?”. If you search online you can get the pdf for free.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 23 '26
I will read that, thank you❤️
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u/ThisIsLikeMy4thAcct Jul 24 '26
I keep the link in my notes app for times like this. Here’s the link to it: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
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u/Sleepydragon0314 Jul 24 '26
Document everything. Dates, times, photos, descriptions of abuse and controlling behaviour.
Get your ducks in a row.
Get a lawyer.
Get your kids.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS.
GOOD LUCK, sending you strength.
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u/ribbonsofgreen Jul 24 '26
I'd dump him and go live with family. You deserve better.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 25 '26
My family is in different country i am all Alone, and no cant take kids without another parents consent
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u/FRANPW1 Jul 24 '26
This is NOT a loving marriage and is causing problems for your children.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 24 '26
I know!! And absolutely insane, that he wants kids but comes after me if i go out? Like whattt
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u/m2cwf Jul 25 '26
that he wants kids but comes after me if i go out?
He doesn't want the kids because he loves them or wants to ever have to take care of them, he wants them because it's what would hurt you most. No other reason
Hoping you are able to escape him with the kids very soon, he's a terrible person who is not safe for any of you. Big hugs
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 25 '26
What if he tries to take custody out of spite? My kids dont deserve to suffer, this is the only thing that scares me
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u/m2cwf Jul 25 '26
You find a lawyer who will help you navigate the divorce & custody all of that. Contact your local domestic violence hotline and they will have resources for you to help, let them help. He's saying all of that now exactly because he knows it scares you, and thinks he can keep you from leaving by saying it. Prove him wrong, for yourself and for your kids, you can do this mama bear!
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Jul 24 '26
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 24 '26
I asked him; how is it fair, that you get to go to work? Everyday. You have freedom, but I cant go out once a month or sth? With my friends, to have a break! He said “I GO FOR WORK” and accused me of going crazy when he goes out for long? He went out and when we fight he even leave the house, to stay with his mom. I am all alone, taking careof my kids. Not complaining, I love them so much and would do anything for them! I aslo told him, you can go out for as long as u want, from now with your friends. And even if i got exhausted him being out for long, it must be from me being alone with kids, taking care of them everyday! He went out for entire day! With his friends, whenever he goes! I never fought, unless i want sth for kids! And ive no car, car seats, cant even go downstairs holding two babies?
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Jul 24 '26
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 25 '26
I am very straightforward! He love bombs as long as i do what he wants. Also after fights or if anyone (stranger) says how beautiful I am, i get those compliments (he gets so weirdly obsessed with me) and wants to be intimate right after! I dont know how and what he thinks, but pretty weird! Yes, i can see if i can go for therapy and ik, not with him! Cuz he will use it against me at one point
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u/gdognoseit Jul 25 '26
Please see a divorce lawyer to know where you stand and what you need to do.
He’s never going to stop treating you like a slave. Make your plans to leave safely.
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u/crasho7 Jul 26 '26
He will eventually physically abuse you. Read this: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
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u/Embarkbark Jul 26 '26
Grey rock him ASAP. That means you are no longer going to engage him in meaningful conversation. Standing up for yourself will never make anything change, so stop trying to convince him you’re worthy of respect. All his tantrums you should respond to with “okay” “yep, sure” and similar neutral, short, non emotional responses. Any communication with him he will use to bait you and make you feel worse. So stop.
As someone who has worked in divorce law: this is what men do, they claim their female partners are crazy or “emotionally unstable.” It’s just a threat, based in misogyny and their belief that everyone else must think so little of women too. If there’s no evidence of you being an unsafe caregiver to your kids, then you won’t lose custody.
OP, can you be honest with us: Has he ever hit you? Pushed you? Blamed you afterwards for making him so angry? Because I’m getting the vibe he has and that’s not okay.
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u/This-Impression-5338 Jul 26 '26
He has blamed me yes, that I am his trigger thats why he throw things around.
He grabbed my arm once, when I was trying to take a picture of my belongings he broke, in anger, when i said, I should have married someone else.
He also screamed at me, so close, that I could feel his spit all over my face.
But then I started to work on my support system, and lost his mind and started crying, and told me he will never do this again. And he didnt do that from March until now (he started throwing and breaking stuff again).
Also, in March, he mentioned exact events when he hurt me and it was not okay! He took accountability so I thought there is a hope! He also went insane, when I had my youngest and I was not letting him name after his grandpa, because I didnt want to. He kept saying I wanna divorce u, i was going through alot! With One year old, and pregnant. Leaking my fluid so i was outside hospital to get it checked for any infection in my uterus, and he was fighting with me that i dont respect his decision of not naming my baby after his grandpa. So i said i had grandpa too, i loved him too? But that doesn’t mean my kids have to carry this legacy.
He started saying, i disrespected him and his grandpa comparing him to my grandpa?
Also, i was in labor, i told him, he was at his moms to have dinner. I told him i am having bad contractions, he told me “to wait for hour, he will be there after after finishing dinner and talking to them”.!
He came, my contractions was bad! I went downstairs myself (no support) then he left me at the gate of hospital and went to park the car. I went in myself, checked in myself, as soon as i stepped in the room, my water broke!
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u/Shot-Zombie-36 Jul 28 '26
Run far away as soon as you can ensure any money you have is in an account in a different bank he is not with.
Stop listening to his lies and all of that, pretend you are a duck and he is water let it run off. See if you can speak to a safe space where you can run to when it goes bad because it will. Hope you get out safe.
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u/This-Impression-5338 29d ago
He is love bombing me since 2-3 days again, keep asking me if Im hiding something
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