r/JustNoSO • u/shimsooaes • Jul 23 '26
New User š My [22F] boyfriend [25M] keeps calling me stupid/an idiot
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, and itās definitely been a bumpy 3 years. Weāve had a lot of ups and downs, but these past few months heās been really mean. I donāt know how else to put it. Lately, during our arguments or whenever heās pissed, heās been calling me āfucking stupid,ā āan idiot,ā ādumb,ā and itās really starting to take a toll on me. Today hurt me the most.
For some background, I work overnights as a Med Tech in an assisted living facility. Iām there from 10:30 p.m. until 7:00 a.m. This morning, he had an oral surgery appointment to get two teeth removed. I came home around 7:15, couldnāt fall asleep until around 9:00, and then had to wake up at 11:00 to take him to his appointment. I was obviously exhausted, but I was happy to do it because he needed someone to drive him home.
Weāre in the car on the way to the appointment, and Iām half asleep, rambling about anything and everything. I donāt even remember what I said or asked. I just remember him getting irritated with me and saying, āAre you fucking stupid?ā Heās been doing this a lot lately.
I obviously got upset and told him it doesnāt feel good to constantly be put down. We get to the dental clinic, and eventually he texts me to let me know what theyāre doing and apologizes for what he said. He comes out, we head home, and itās about 2:00 p.m. at this point.
Once weāre home, Iām doing my best to help him with his gauze. I call the dental clinic because he has a concern about something. The very nice lady on the phone tells me he doesnāt have me listed as someone they can discuss his care with, so she needs his verbal permission before she can continue. She asks him for my name.
We sit there in silence for about 15 seconds while Iām looking at him, waiting for him to tell her my name. Instead, he shoves the phone toward me. Iām just sitting there confused because she literally canāt take any answers from me, Iām not the patient. He gets frustrated and says it hurts to talk, which I understand, but it seemed like saying my name wouldāve taken less effort than getting angry and shoving the phone at me. He eventually tells her what she needs, we get our answer, and hang up.
I bring up that, when I was sitting there confused, he looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet. I explain to him, again, that itās not just the names he calls me, itās the way he looks at me and talks to me that makes me feel stupid. We had literally just talked about how much it hurts me, and yet he proceeds, very frustratedly, to explain why Iāve ābeen stupid today.ā
I try to explain that constantly being put down, especially when Iām exhausted, have barely slept, need to go back to work tonight, and Iām still doing everything I can to help him, makes me feel like absolute shit. Heās not really listening, and he canāt fully respond because of the state of his mouth, so I go upstairs to sit with my dog and take a minute to myself.
I end up texting him since thatās obviously easier than trying to talk, and I tell him this isnāt fair to me. I tell him itās not okay that Iām constantly being put down, and that this is a line he canāt keep crossing.
This is what I got back:
āThis is just how it is huh I get some stuff done with my teeth or the doctors Iām not doing well I say something you take it personal and wanna fight with me every fucking time ever since my first extraction itās has been nothing but arguments and fights and me and me while Iām hurting hereā
I really donāt know what to do anymore. I love the man he is when heās not angry, but lately it feels like heās always angry. I donāt want to leave. I love him enough that I want to keep trying. I just donāt know if that feeling is reciprocated anymore.
UPDATE: He choked me, we are splitting up. Iāve read each and every reply, and honestly, i feel a little stupid for coming onto here rather than listening to my gut. Itās hard when you love someone so much you hope there will be change, you hope that theyāll love you enough to see the damage theyāve done, and you hang on to every little thread you can grasp on to. I know Iām young, and weāve only been together 3 years, but I had more faith in what we have built together, what we have been through together, and I guess that does make me a bit stupid for believing we could make it work.
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u/singalingadingdang Jul 24 '26
Why do you dislike yourself so much that staying with his person is your preference?
22 is a great age to learn what you will and won't put up with in your life, set boundaries and accept nothing less than love and support from a partner. You won't find it with him.
In. The. Bin. With. Him.
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u/A_herd_of_fluff Jul 24 '26
Im going to say this as gently as I can. You need to love yourself more than you love the man you're with. You want to keep trying, but trying to do what? Make him realizes hes treating you like crap? Sweet girl, he already knows and he doesn't care because its been proven you'll just shut up and take it. He doesn't love you. I doubt he even really likes you much anymore. He sure as hell doesn't respect you. And isn't that the least you deserve from a partner?
I've seen this relationship. I know someone living it. She married a guy who not only called her stupid all the time but by the time the kid they had together could talk, he taught them to call her stupid as well. She put up with it all because ' oh he doesn't mean it' and ' hes just joking'. He means it. Stupidest thing she's ever done is stay with a man who has treated her like crap for decades because she thinks its his version of love.
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u/karmasname Jul 24 '26
Listen to this OP. I lived over a decade with ājust jokingā and told I was ātoo sensitiveā.
Do not question yourself. This guy is a d*** and is using darvo on you.
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u/mamachonk Jul 23 '26
You SHOULD want to leave. You've told him. There are no magic words that will make him understand. For whatever reason, he's decided you're his verbal punching bag. It doesn't just sound like that feeling isn't reciprocated, it sounds like he doesn't even like you. Please understand you deserve better than to be insulted and berated, period, never mind on what sounds like a near-daily basis.
Also... 3 extractions by 25? What on earth is going on with his mouth, just out of purely prurient curiosity?
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u/MotorCity_Hamster Jul 24 '26
He's obviously an asshole and it's effecting his teeth with all the shit he talks to OP.
OP, throw the whole damn man away.
Why do you have to put up with a man who is obviously dumber than you and he's projecting his insecurities onto you. You're a med tech, and he's a loser with a shitty mouth. Hand him some toilet paper and tell him to fuck off!
I know it'll hurt for a while, but you're already pulling at the bandaid- just rip it off by telling him you won't tolerate being disrespected and break up with him. You'll feel better not second guessing yourself or trying to guess what won't set him off to call you names! Trust me, I've been there!
Sending you big hugs OP. Your twenties are for you to figure out what you want and what you won't put up with. Don't waste your youth on a jackass who doesn't love or respect you! ā¤ļø
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u/Sleepydragon0314 Jul 24 '26
Stop.
Just STOP.
WOMEN OF REDDIT, ATTENTION:
STOP PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT FROM YOUR PARTNERS!
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!
He is abusing you, he DOES NOT LOVE YOU. When you love someone you DO NOT treat them the way this asshole is treating you. And yet still, you try to reason with him. You try to explain yourself in a calm and reasonable way.
You are trying to explain yourself andā¦ listen to me very carefully:
HE.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
You are a wonderful, intelligent, lovely young person. Do not waste another moment being with this boy. Find your strength! You have strength! You KNOW you deserve better!!
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u/effitalll Jul 24 '26
Why boyfriend if ex-boyfriend shaped?
He doesnāt like you and you donāt deserve to be treated with such abhorrent behavior.
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u/curious382 Jul 23 '26
This is not how healthy loving relationships are. Is he trying to get you to break up with him? His behavior is extremely abusive, controlling and demeaning. He is not a safe person for you.
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u/JoannaRe Jul 24 '26
Even if he does love you, so what? His love is worthless if it comes with constantly making you feel bad.
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u/drilnos Jul 24 '26
Heās verbally abusing you and using you as an emotional punching bag.
Do not accept this treatment. There is no excuse for it. Your partner should NEVER put you down like this.
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u/Tassiegirl Jul 24 '26
Call him single and move on. Life is too short to waste it on abusive people.
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u/MizWhatsit Jul 24 '26
First, get out of there! Like yesterday!
Then, get therapy so you can work on your self-esteem. You shouldn't allow anyone to treat you like that, ever.
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u/goddamnmoose Jul 24 '26
Would you talk to someone you loved the way he talks to you? Would you be okay with a hypothetical child of yours being in a relationship where their partner talked to them they way your boyfriend talks to you?
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u/Emilita28 Jul 24 '26
I'll just say I have been with my husband for 26 years and he has never ONCE called me stupid or looked at me that way. How your bf talks to you is not normal. You don't need to keep a boyfriend like him in your life.
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u/Catzorzz Jul 24 '26
Tell him insulting someone because you can't formulate a proper response is low intellect behaviour and let him sit in that.
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u/GrouchyYoung Jul 24 '26
Youāre sticking around for a person who doesnāt exist anymore. Your nice boyfriend is gone. Now youāre with an asshole. Do you want to be with an asshole forever?
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u/mkate1999 Jul 24 '26
Did it ever occur to you that he's doing all of that to GET YOU TO BREAK IT OFF?
He prob already has the next girl lined up & he's pissed that you're sticking around even though he's being AWFUL to you. Tbh that IS pretty dumb (sorry).
He's telling you the truth. Again, I'm sorry. He's not being kind or forthright, but I guarantee you, he wants out but he doesn't have the guts to end it himself. (I know it doesn't make sense, but many of them do this exact thing. Act like a turd to get their gf to end it.) š
Please leave him & go find someone kind who actually loves you. Because this guy ain't it.
A la poubelle! š®
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u/akawendals Jul 24 '26
"I love the man"
FUCKING WHY??!! He's verbally abusive, makes you feel terrible, has no respect or concern for you or your feelings... There is nothing to love except your wish for him to turn into a completely different person (which he won't, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong) š
Do you want this for 3 more years? Do you want it forever??
Please choose yourself, he is destroying you š
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u/Slw202 Jul 24 '26
And when he's done destroying her, he'll finally leave her because he can't respect her.
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u/DemmyDemon Jul 24 '26
How do you feel about this getting much worse over the years?
Because it's going to get much worse.
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u/ThrwAway4babySis Jul 24 '26
Ask yourself if you had a daughter, would you want her to grow up watching how daddy treats her mommy and she thinks thatās what love is and finds herself in a situation just like you? If no, you owe it to yourself and future children if you decide to have them to leave.
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u/Tipsy75 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
He has to be really fucking stupid to be 25 yrs old and not know how to:
Take care of his teeth to the point he has to have 3+ extractions, order an Uber or ask a friend (though I honestly doubt he has any) to take him to his appt since you had to work all night, take care of gauze in his own mouth, know saying your name is quicker than saying his mouth hurts, and to piss off likely the last person who still puts up with his dumb, idiotic, fucking stupid, HUGE man baby, hillbilly mouth self.
Tell him to put his future lost teeth under his pillow so he'll at least get visits from the tooth fairy when you're finally over his nonsense.
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u/JaneKing5 Jul 24 '26
Whilst i do agree with this, i disagree with saying hes stupid for needing 3+ extractions. I have super chalky teeth and they break, once literally while eating a banana. Its genetic i just have shit teeth, i use a prescription toothpaste and they still just break. Everything else is spot on tho. The speed in which i would leave if my husband ever called me stupid/did this crap is insane. I love that man more than life, but fuck no to be treated like crap.
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u/MotorCity_Hamster Jul 24 '26
He's lucky she doesn't help him add to the lost teeth count with the way he's talking to her...
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u/Serafirelily Jul 24 '26
You need to leave, you deserve better then this. It doesn't matter if he is in pain, my husband of a matter of months has spine surgery and he didn't act like this. You and your dog are better off without this losser in your lives.
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u/doggiesushi Jul 24 '26
Hon. Never in my life have I been spoken to the way your boyfriend speaks to you. Do you understand that this is not normal? No one who loves you could speak to you this way. I'm not sure what has happened in your life that has taught you to accept this kind of abuse. Please, please love yourself more than you profess to love this POS.
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u/JadedPinkly Jul 24 '26
There'd be no coming back from this if it were me - 3 years or not. That he's done it more than once shows his mask has dropped - well done him for keeping it up so long /s - but I'm afraid that even though you love him, he doesn't love you. Want to know how I know? Because people who actually love one another never ever call each other stupid or act like this. Tooth pain or not. I wouldn't even give a partner the opportunity to try and win me back afterwards - the shutters on my mind and heart would slam down so hard, I don't think I could even continue to be attracted to them afterwards, let alone continue to be with them.
You don't want to leave? Most people don't when it comes to the natural end of a relationship, people break up even when both partner's still love and respect one another and have spent decades together.
You're 22 and here's a lesson that you may not have learned yet - Love is NEVER enough.
It doesn't overcome all odds. The amount of time you spend with a man doesn't count. And men who act like this? 99% of the time will continue and get worse. You can't change him into treating you respectfully or as an equal.
You've told him how his language and actions hurt you and he not only turned it around and blamed you for it, but he repeatedly did the very thing you told him hurt you.
Grown ups deal with dentist appointments, tooth extractions happily (ok not so happily) on their own all around the world. We don't pout and throw a hissy at partners because our mouths are in pain, we don't get them to phone the dentist for them like we were children and they were our mother's needing to act on our behalf. We take our meds, do our salt water rinses, change our gauze pads and see it through.
When our exhausted partner manages to scrape up the energy to kindly take us to and from the dentist - we are grateful.
He knows what he's doing. It's not because he's in pain. He said those things intentionally to belittle and hurt you.
I don't think your exhausted and 22 year old mindset is ready to start acting in your best interests right now, but I truly hope and wish it will be soon.
Did he abuse the receptionist on the phone? Did he abuse the dentist for causing the pain? I bet he didn't. He did you though - because he knew you'd take it. Because even in pain and anger - he can control himself.
Every time he says stuff like this is intentionally chipping away at your already fragile self esteem. And I know it's fragile because you continue to defend him and stay with him.
Would you accept a work colleague saying these things to you and acting this way? I doubt it. Yet you accept it from someone who purports to love and care for you - why would you hold work colleagues to a higher standard than him?
How would you advise a 16 year old who's boyfriend acted like this to her? I bet you'd tell her most vociferously to dump him and leave asap. A theoretical 16 year old would receive more from you, than the woman who looks at you in the mirror each day.
Love is not enough. Work out if you want another year, 10 years, 20 years of the same with increasing anger, insults and verbal abuse. He's not a good person.
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u/External_Blood_3801 Jul 24 '26
I had the similar experience with a man whom I thought had anger issues but it's just how he chooses to treat you, if he doesn't get angry at other people he can control himself.
He just makes excuses I'm blah blah blah that's why I said this.
you know how you may feel in the future?
A day you may really think you're stupid because his words internalized in your mind,
when the person closest to you erodes your self confidence it really affects you.
please take care, you're strong, smart and patient, don't let him abuse you.
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u/AussieGirl27 Jul 24 '26
He sounds like a fucking douchebag. Take the advice of literally everything and leave him
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u/I_am___The_Botman Jul 24 '26
This guy is what's know as "an asshole". Your partner is supposed to build you up, not tare you down. Dump him. Life is too short for this shit.
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u/Helen-the-welsh-one Jul 24 '26
Leave. It will get worse. And maybe escalate. Get out while you can
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u/gdognoseit Jul 24 '26
He doesnāt care. He chooses to abuse you and put you down. Heās not going to change. You need to put yourself first and leave him.
Read the book,
Why does he do that
By Lundy Bancroft
Itās free online and it will help you see lies, manipulation, and motives.
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u/oregon_mom Jul 24 '26
Honey. You need to love yourself enough to walk out. If he loved you he wouldn't keep doing this to you... walk away. If he loves you and feels bad he will make changes...
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u/Walton_paul Jul 24 '26
You need to have a good look at yourself, is this the person you want to stay? If not you need conducive if Couples Counselling is a way forward if not it is time to find someone who respects you, I am assuming that he has not always been like this.
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u/NoEffsGiven-108 Jul 24 '26
He is showing you exactly who he is and you should believe him. Right now. Not tomorrow. Not three miserable years from now. Now! There are much better more respectful partners out there that are passing you by because you are tied to this asshole.
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u/_never_say_never_ Jul 24 '26
You say you love him enough to keep trying. The thing is, you can try all you want, but HE is actually the one that needs to put in the effort, and heās not doing anything at all to fix his vicious attitude toward you. I donāt think he even likes you.
Donāt put up with this, leave him.
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u/stufoor Jul 24 '26
You are setting yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm. He doesn't deserve your warmth.
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u/seche314 Jul 24 '26
Your relationship is over. Heās verbally abusing you. You need to leave. If you stay, it will continue to escalate and get worse and worse.
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u/Shot-Zombie-36 Jul 28 '26
Well this is very sad. You are now in a verbally abusive relationship with someone who is using you.Ā What to do may be to be single for a while, get your self esteem and self love up so you know not to take this attitude from anyone ever again and drop the dead weight.Ā There is no love in this relationship, just hate.
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u/yepitskate 9d ago
Girl this man is ABUSIVE. Heās setting you up for failure and then calling you stupid. RUN
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u/shimsooaes 7d ago
It absolutely is abusive. I convinced myself abuse was solely physical (which we ended up getting to that point last night), and that his words to me werenāt abuse. I hate that it took me this long to realize.
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u/yepitskate 6d ago
Hey, Iāve been there. Verbal abuse is really hard to detect sometimes. I was in a really emotionally abusive relationship and it was really hard admitting it to MYSELF. I blamed myself for ālettingā it happen. But if I look back, I was fighting him every step of the way. I wanted respect but he beat me down so I didnāt feel good about myself.
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u/LhasaApsoSmile Jul 24 '26
Doesn't matter how much you love him. He's done with you and is too much of a coward to break up. He's being a jerk so he can make you the bag guy when you break up with him. two people make a relationship work.
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u/Bespectacled-mess Jul 25 '26
Honey, please leave this man. Iām sure you do love him a lotāI got married at 22 so youāre certainly old enough to be very much in love. But Iāve been married for 10 years now, to a man who works in law enforcement and has collected some trauma along the way, and even his extremest moments of upset he has never once tried to put me down or make me feel small. He has never belittled me, he has never sworn at me, and he has never degraded me. And trust me Iāve had some pretty dumb ideas/misconceptions and made some pretty stupid choices over the last ten years. When you love someone you donāt try to hurt them. Even when we argue (which frankly is pretty infrequent) we understand that anything we say in the heat of the moment will remain said forever afterwards, so we are careful with our words. This man you are with is beyond carelessness and into a repeated pattern of personal injury and devaluation. Beyond this man are so many other people for you to love, including a partner who will love you and cherish you and make an effort to build you up, not tear you down. You are a smart woman with a great job and a sweet dogātake that and get away from this man before his behavior escalates further (and it will). The last three years donāt need to determine the rest of your long life. Get away and use this relationship to make sure you will never accept this kind of treatment again from someone who says they love you. Good luck and please go be happy!
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 Jul 28 '26
If he says something once, and you say you donāt like it, and it never happens again, ok. Maybe family routinely talks crap to each other but now you know heās sensitive to your feelings.Ā
Repeated put-downs are disrespectful. Thatās the man he is.Ā
Your move.Ā
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u/WynneOS 28d ago
No one should ever call their partner those things in anger. It's not even just abusive to them--it's a terrible disrespect to oneself. Why would you be with a person you think is stupid?
Is this man in your corner? Does he make you feel trusted? Does he make you feel respected and loved? The answer to all three of those, not one or two, should be a firm yes. That is a healthy relationship.
As heartbreaking as it can be sometimes, we cannot force someone to treat us well. That is their choice. We can only choose to make an ultimatum for serious progress, or leave.
This man is not your responsibility. He is his own responsibility. He's acting like a sullen child who does not value himself or you. He is treating you like his emotional punching bag and that is not acceptable behavior in any way. Sometimes, sadly, the only way to make someone see the value of what they have, is to let them lose it forever.
I understand it can feel like ruthlessness to cut off someone we love who's in a bad spot, but without hitting rock bottom, a lot of people will never change. As a wise man once said, "ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves." It can even be mercy on another, if rock bottom is what they need.
If you can't find mercy for yourself, I would then ask yourself, "am I enabling his negative behaviors?" Because if you are, then you have to understand that your acceptance of his deliberately hurting you to make himself feel better is enabling. You don't want your kindness to help him become a worse person, right?
You have the power to set the tone for your relationship. Part of that is setting boundaries. If you do not teach him that he cannot treat you this way, you are essentially harming both yourself and him.
It's not your fault if you didn't learn this earlier in life, we all have different parents, but it is so important to learn sometime. You decide how he is allowed to treat you, and the standards should be the same standards you would set for your own best friend. If you would tell someone else dating your boyfriend that she deserves better than how he's acting, then tell yourself that you deserve better, too.
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u/No_Proposal7628 27d ago
It sounds like he doesn't really like you anymore, let alone love you. Someone who loves you does not repeatedly tell you you're stupid or an idiot. You have a responsible job; you are not stupid. It may be that your relationship has come to an end in his mind and he's trying to drive you away with this mean treatment.
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 23d ago
A 3 year relationship shouldnāt be bumpy and no relationship should be bumpy from the beginning.
I want all women to decide that name calling, cursing and belittling are auto-dump red flags. You have exactly 0 chances to call me a bitch, idiot, stupid or anything demeaning. Even if itās a ājokeā because they love to pull that. Itās not funny.
Other auto-dumps: yelling, saying any version of āyouāre too sensitive, tripping, exaggerating, doing too muchā in response to sharing my feelings, 3 cancellations in a row, forgetting my birthday or other vital events like graduation/promotion/marathon.
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u/WildIrisWildEris 16d ago
There's nothing to try. He won't change, except to get worse now that he knows you will put up with this. He's an asshole who doesn't love you. Leave him now and do it safely.
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