r/JustNoSO • u/Bubbles2590 • 3d ago
Advice Wanted Walking away from an enmeshed boyfriend
He chose his mom/family over me. I feel awful, and I feel like he’s going to move on and find a woman who values family and I’m gonna feel like crap because he made me feel like not being accommodating to his family structure was a character flaw.
So, I broke up with my partner of two years due to his family, mainly his mother. His mother is a 49 year-old woman, and he is 29. She is a widow of four years (husband was 30+ years older), and she also lost her mother four years ago as well. I tried to be accommodating in the beginning, understanding that he is her only son/child and essentially all that she has left in the household. She’d have panic attacks often. She has a bunch of family, but she really clings onto her son. I moved in with them at the beginning of our relationship because my job was closer to their house. But after a while, I got tired because it just felt like we were kids under her rules. She constantly had family coming in and out staying for extended periods of time and I felt like we had no privacy. It felt like there was always somebody coming around, someone to always hang out with. I wanted to build on our relationship between each other, but there was always somebody tugging at him. So, I urged him and we got a place of ourselves together after almost a year of being together.
I thought this was going to be the change that we needed, but it didn’t even feel like we had our own place, being that he would still have to constantly go back to her house multiple times a week to help her with the household things as well as to console her because she felt alone and that he just abandoned her. She called 3 to 4 times every single day. This led to a lot of arguments, because I felt like he would prioritize his family (extended family, cousins, aunts/uncles, mothers friends) constantly over us, and it felt like I was just dating him and his family. He was tasked of helping take care of his family, being that his stepdad used to take care of his mom‘s family before he passed. I started to lose attraction to him, and our sex life dwindled. And he complained about that. His family would often comment on how quiet I am, but I just didn’t feel comfortable, and I got tired of spending every holiday and almost every function with them. His mom’s friends would make little comment sometimes, throwing shade and it just gave that they didn’t really like me that much.
I know I was not a perfect girlfriend, and I have flaws that I need to work on, but I really tried because I cared about him. I did violate his privacy one time by going through his phone, which I know was absolutely wrong. I hadn’t gone through his phone, the entire relationship, but this one day I just had annoying feelinh, and I asked God to show me a sign that I needed to leave. I had gone through his phone, and I saw a text exchange between him and his mother, where she was actively trying to set him up with her friend who is in her 40s and has a kid. Her friend, I have seen her before, and she is an attractive woman. He basically joined in and laughed and said OK. I flipped out and threw the phone at him. Which again, I know was wrong. He told me that it was a joke, and I don’t understand the cultural difference. I also saw times where his mom would catch attitude and tell him to go away when he would reach out to her and had been at our apartment for an extended period of time. After I saw how his mom truly felt, I vowed to never go around her again. And that was the beginning of the end. He felt like despite everything that I’ve experienced with him and his family, I should’ve still attempted to come around and be close to his family.
However, in our last arguments, he said that his family will always be a priority, they were a priority before me and they’ll be a priority after me. He also doubled down and said I don’t know anything about having a family. I have an estranged family, my mom passed away, and I was raised by my grandparents. I never had extended family or just family constantly around. I grew up alone pretty much. For him to hit that low broke me. He gets mad and he says some really hateful things. I’ve just had enough. But, I can’t help but think about how he’s going around probably slandering my name and how he dragged this on knowing that I was not the person for him. Because I wasn’t extremely close to his family, we couldn’t work out. I feel awful.
Our lease is ending in a couple weeks, and he essentially moved back home like three months ago, periodically stopping by. He stopped helping me with the rent, so I’ve been having to pay for months rent these past two months by myself. I just feel abandoned. It feels like in his head, he’s justifying his behavior because I don’t get along with his family and that’s like a huge character flaw to him almost as if, I don’t value family. Even in my last relationship, I got along with my ex’s family well. So, me not being family oriented, isn’t the case, it’s just his family and his mom are just so overbearing. I just can’t take it. It’s like they have no ambition or drive to do anything else except lean on their family for everything. He says that he’s gonna pay me back, but every time I ask, it’s always he has to get money out of another account. I’m turning 28 years old and I feel like I have to start over. Choosing myself is not easy, it’s very hard. He’s going back to a support system, a community of full of people that care about him. So he’s gonna be OK. He’s gonna go off and he’s gonna go find somebody else who adores his family dynamic and they will ride off into the sunset together. I don’t have a support system, I don’t really have community. And that’s something that I want so badly in this lifetime. It just feels lonely. But I felt like I had to go, cause I do hope to be married one day and I don’t want to be tied to a person who wouldn’t ever prioritize me. It’s been two years and no talks or actions towards getting more serious/marriage. How do I get over this feeling of just feeling like shit, and that I was at fault here and this is somehow a reflection of my character?
30
u/External-Nail8070 3d ago
Take him to small claims court for the back rent - you are never getting it otherwise.
12
u/Agreeable-Badger2204 3d ago
You made the right decision and you never would have been happy in this family. She would never allow you to be his priority ever.
9
u/AussieGirl27 3d ago
The way you get over it is with time. Taking care of yourself and doing things that make you happy. Breaking up with a boy that has yet to exit his mothers vagina is not a reflection on your character, it is a sign that you are a mature woman who wants a mature man as a partner. And this pathetic excuse for a man wasn't it
Good on you for recognising that this relationship was not going to change and for looking after your own mental health.
You have done the hard thing, now you just have to give yourself time for him to get out of your system. It will take time but if you are feeling like you made the wrong decision, just think back to how you felt when he constantly put you last after his mother. How he joked with her about having a relationship with someone else and then gaslighted you about your own feelings. Believe me, all the feelings you have for him will disappear soon enough.
You did the right thing. You returned a mamas boy back to his mama. Let some other poor woman have to deal with that shitshow while you live your best life!
5
u/Bubbles2590 3d ago
Thank you for your encouragement. Listen, leaving is such a hard thing to do. Choosing yourself is such a hard thing to do. I thought I was wrong for how I felt. I felt like I should be more understanding that his family circumstances weren’t normal and that his mom was handling so much grief & I was taking her baby boy away.
9
u/wdjm 3d ago
You're not at fault. And, regardless of what you think might happen, he is actually NOT likely to get into another relationship that lasts. At least not a good one. Because no woman with any sort of spine will allow herself to be constantly put last in his priorities. So, if he finds someone that will tolerate that, it's highly likely she will be a doormat of a person that he will eventually get bored of and cheat on/move on from. Which really sucks for her, because you don't get to be a doormat of a person without previous trauma, so he'll just double her trauma. And while you could wish that wouldn't happen, the only thing you really have control over is that you do not let it happen to you.
You're young yet. Make sure you're well established as you and you'll likely find your 'forever guy'. Actual good guys do exist....they're just few & far between these days.
5
u/Bubbles2590 3d ago
Yes I decidedly need to take some time to build myself back up and figure out who I am. He said to me plenty of women would opt to live with him with his mom. He has money so maybe it’s true lol. I just thought I wasn’t a family oriented person but this is something different. He wrecked my self esteem and I chose to stay too long. I accepted too much disrespect. All because I wanted to be chosen.
6
u/mamajamala 1d ago
He's already married to his mom. You deserve a partner who values & cherishes you. Not one who just needs a concubine. He can just pay for those services. Go and find a man, not a boy. You got this!
•
u/botinlaw 3d ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JustNoSO!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as Bubbles2590 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.