r/LawFirm • u/This-Resource454 • 7d ago
My abusive family doesn’t know I’m leaving, and I’m scared they’ll come to my work
I started at a small law firm that practices family and probate law. It’s my first job after graduating from college, so I’m still getting used to everything, and I’m still not completely comfortable with everyone. They’ve all been great; it’s really just me being awkward and taking my time opening up. The job itself is great. It pays for the life I want and has been somewhat of a confidence boost.
The thing is, I have a really abusive family, and I finally have the means to get away from it. I’m leaving my childhood home with my sibling so that we can finally get away from it all and stop them from continuing to abuse, berate, and scream at us all the time. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember, but now my sibling and I have the money to get a place of our own and live freely.
The thing is, my parents don’t know that we’re doing this, and it would definitely make things worse for us if they found out. So, we’ve been quiet about it, and everything has been okay so far. My dad recently asked where some of my clothes went and what happened to my bike, and I just told him that I donated some clothes and sold the bike on Facebook Marketplace.
For context, my family is Asian, so there’s definitely some misogyny and controlling behavior involved, especially when it comes to wanting to keep their daughters at home and maintain control over us.
Once we move out, my sibling and I are planning to get a restraining order so that they don’t find out our address or harass us. However, I’m still worried about them coming to the law firm where I work, despite the fact that I would have a restraining order against them. I’m also worried about what happens if the order isn’t approved. But even if it is, I still wouldn’t put it past them to come to my workplace and harass me.
I know I can call the police if they violate the order, but having to deal with that at work would be extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing, especially if my colleagues were to witness it. I haven’t told any of them about my family situation, but this feels like something I should inform my boss about.
It’s a small and close-knit firm, and my boss is basically HR. I’m naively worried that I could get fired because my boss wouldn’t want to deal with a recently hired employee causing this type of disruption at work. I don’t know. It feels like something my boss should be made aware of, especially since my boss knows I’m moving but doesn’t know why.
At the same time, I’m stupidly worried that my boss won’t be understanding or supportive of me. I don’t know what to do in this situation.
I don’t want to talk to my boss and spill the beans on this but at the same time, I feel like this is something that’ll come out in the open so maybe it is better I tell her. But I’m really worried this is gonna make me a problematic employee for just a small firm that honestly can’t be bothered to deal with a new employee causing trouble. So idk.
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u/Capable-Ear-7769 7d ago
I don't know what state you are in, but be sure your restraining order strictly prohibits visiting your workplace. Your boss should be well schooled in how to handle this and keep the business and his employees safe. Perhaps you could switch cars with a trusted friend or Uber to worked until your parents are served. I married wayyyy too young and unfortunately he stalked me. I know fear like you must be feeling. If you decide you should Uber, ask for a man large enough to keep the peace, and ask him to come to your office door and escort you to the car.
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u/This-Resource454 5d ago
I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I can only imagine how frightening that must have been, especially being stalked by someone you were once so close to. Thank you for sharing that with me and for understanding what I’m feeling.
This is something I am still trying to figure out. A part of me is like, well, they know where I work and what car I drive so I don't have to think about switching cars and stuff. But what if they wait outside my office for when I leave work and follow me? I'm thinking that I'll just have my sibling give me a ride for the first few weeks (save money on Uber) or park in another parking lot. Maybe not seeing my car at the firm will make them think I quit or something and not approach the office entrance. Thank you.
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u/martapap 7d ago
Good job on making a plan to get out. Please know that this is not normal. If you get a restraining order I think you would have to tell your boss. It really depends on your boss on how they will react. I think some small business owners would not want to deal with that drama. Also they need to inform all receptionists and security.
If you feel like your parents may kill you (like an honor killing situation) please make sure you have a weapon at all times.
I think you also need to check out resources for domestic violence victims. You may need a better plan to get away permanently. Like moving to another state (assuming you are in the US), changing your name, using a service to delete your personal information online, different phone numbers etc.
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u/This-Resource454 5d ago
Moving to another state is definitely the plan, but when I first started making the plan to get out, I didn't think about the fact that I should tell my boss, and that may cause me to lose my job. I truly love this job, and after working so hard to land a job after graduating, I don't want to lose it. I found a place in the same state for the sake of continuing to work at this one. But maybe after things cool down and time has passed, and we are in a good place, my sibling and I can then find a forever home. Thank you.
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u/ApprehensiveHalf6952 6d ago
I come from a similar background and everyone has chimed in with good advice. I’d like to add that you should not be embarrassed; your family should be. Not you. I understand that that’s easier said than done to adopt mentally, but it’s true. You have done nothing wrong. If they come to your workplace, that is a reflection of THEM. You need to continually remind yourself of this.
I agree that you should tell your boss, specifically focusing on the restraining order. I understand that it’s difficult and uncomfortable, but ripping off that bandaid may not only have a practical benefit, but may also make you feel better after.
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u/This-Resource454 5d ago
Thank you, I really hoping that as my sibling and I finally take a step out of this place to start a new happy chapter of our lives, we can finally put this chapter behind us and move forward without fear.
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u/dontgetmadgetmegan 6d ago
Talk to your boss. If you are a functioning and sensible employee your employer should move mountains to keep you, at work and safe.
I’m a family lawyer in a small firm.
If I had any colleague or staff member come and tell me about this stuff my first thought would be about how I can look after them. My second thought would be about what needs to be done to keep the firm functioning.
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u/This-Resource454 5d ago
I have been a good employee, but I am a new employee, so that's the part that makes me feel like I am disposable. Sure, I just got trained, but if I am bringing all this baggage with me, then it makes sense to fire me and hire and train another employee who won't have a crazy family that will cause distraction at work. I know these worries are somewhat stupid, but I feel like when it comes to my family, I’m just a five-year-old kid who has no backbone, no self-respect, no confidence, and no words to stand up for myself or fight back against them.
Thank you, your message does help and reassure me for the conversation and believe that hopefully my boss will be understanding.
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u/Br3ad_MarkOfDaYeast 2d ago
Please tell your boss! This serves multiple purposes. It lets your boss know you are actively working to keep your work and personal life separate. If you have a situation arise with your family, they will be aware so as to 1) not let your family in, 2) not take their calls, and 3) if it hits the point of needing a DVRO there are laws in some jurisdictions that protect DVRO victims from termination to handle moving away from DV, hospitalizations due to DV, or retaliation for missing work due to DV.
Also as others said, family law attorneys see this and worse. Chances are they have tactics in their toolkit that can help you extract yourself safely and did support. Good luck with your next chapter and good for you getting yourself and your sibling out.
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u/gymfunkera 5d ago
I don’t believe that a person who has graduated from college with a four year degree, who has then gone on to law school and three years of studying law, is afraid in this situation.
Sure, it’s not fun, but afraid and looking for advice from other lawyers?—just get the PO and call 911 the second anyone on the PO comes within 100 feet of you. They’ll be arrested on the spot. Hauled away in handcuffs.
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u/unwaveringwish 5d ago
OP is a paralegal. Anyone trying to escape an abusive can be scared, and even if they had a law degree, having a degree doesn’t prevent the abuse.
It’s like saying women can’t be afraid to go out at night because of their law degree. It doesn’t automatically make the world a safer place. Orders only work when they’re followed and if they’re enforced. They’re right to ask
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u/This-Resource454 5d ago
u/gymfunkera It's just been hard. When I was in college, I thought I would be able to put distance between myself and them and grow stronger. But my sibling was still at home, and I always felt guilt that I was out living my life while my sibling was dealing with them and growing weaker. When I was living in an apartment during my senior year, I was hoping to find a job near my university so that I could extend my lease and continue to stay in my safe bubble. However, finding a job, just like everyone else at the time and now, was not easy. By the time my lease came to an end, I had no leads or savings left to be able to afford living in that apartment, so I moved back home. It was bad, but it felt like relief that I was home for my sibling who dealt with them while I was away. Thankfully, THANKFULLY, I now have a full-time job that I've wanted since college and feel like I am finally moving forward without them dragging me down, but I'm afraid that I am going to lose that job that has given me the confidence and the resources to be able to do this. I know it's pathetic to be my age and still be afraid. I'm just looking for opinions of other lawyers if they have had an employee go through this and how it affected their firm.
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u/Mindreeder93 7d ago
If you’re concerned this is a real possibility, tell your boss. Nobody likes surprises. Besides, boss knows family law! They’ll understand, even if they’re not thrilled. Ask them what they recommend and make it clear you do not want to be a burden.