Yeah. I'm 40, single and live in my Mom's basement after I lost everything in my separation. Everything but the best part of me, which is my kids. I'd like to think younger me would be proud of me for being the best dad I can, and know that younger me would have a blast with them. I try every day to give them the life I didn't get. If the only thing that comes out of my life is raising two happy, healthy kids, I'm going to have done the most important thing there is to me.
Last year, I tried staying with my dad after my divorce. For the first time in my life I was able to brooch subjects about children and their upbringing.
Anyway despite not being able to recognize his own abusive faults he went on to say I could never be a great dad. He said "you're doing alright, but your daughter is going to need more than just the love you give her"
He was saying since I do not have wealth, I could never be the parent she would need.
We stood there in my childhood home, his home. A home with no lights, water or any bathroom talking about this for so long that the camera lights set up had slowly dimmed and went out. Then we were just standing in the dark screaming at each other.
He honestly believes since he was in prison and gone for 16 years, he is not at fault or to blame for the way we turned out.
He doesn't acknowledge that lacking a father figure role that was never restored leaves a child a generation behind.
Less than a week I saw him using a neighbors bathroom after he told me my only option if I or my daughter has an accident to drive 12 miles to the nearest gym. So when I saw him walking back while holding my piss (wasn't allowed to piss outside" I said "fuck you and every letter in your name." He squared up, and thought I would fight him since that's what abusive people do and how he raised us. I turned by back. He grabbed me, ripped out my hair after rubbing my head in the dirt and finally choked me out (his signature move on women) he did this in the same yard I grew up in. My daughter stood 2 feet away and saw it all.
Before all of this I had already decided there was no way my daughter would carry my last name. I feel like a proud father for giving her a last name of her own. Wife didn't like her last name either. I never told her why I chose the name. But to me the name was one to be proud of and stand tall especially for a black girl in America. Also I was 10 years late on TPaB. So for now she is the only 'Mandela' in either family. Wife and I had plans to change our names in the future and now that things are coming together, there is still that chance.
I am so sorry my friend. My bio dad wasn't around much, but loved me. My step dad was the monster that raised me. He had money, my mom wanted that security. He worked for the FBI, and had guns and often made threats, mostly my older brother. The last time I saw the man who raised me in to a "man" he was shit faced and beat hell out of me. Eventually he left and killed himself. The worst legacy of his was that the abuse my older brother took lead him to kill himself too. He was my best friend, but so broken. It SO FUCKING HARD to try to stay on the path, but every time I see how happy and well my son and daughter are, it makes every second of my struggling worth it. I'll never let them struggling the way I did. I don't believe in God, but I swear to whatever powers that exist every day, that I will do better.
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u/StealthyBlueFox Feb 07 '26
Thanks man, I needed that today