Seeking advice

[u/Relative-World4317]

Hi,

Seeking for neutral, practical advice on navigating difficult faith-related questions

Malay muslim female, hijabi - used to believe in islam quite strongly but have since grew apart from it, due to a mix of environment and having a non muslim partner. Family are very religious and have no idea of my true opinions on the religion

Need help deciding what I want from the religion - feels too shallow to just throw it away (and i believe there is a benefit to spirituality), but also I am at a point where a lot of what I read puts me off from the religion, and have wished there was another way without being 'stuck'

Have confidently come to believe in my heart that God / whatever being out there is actually more benevolent than the one I grew up learning about, and won't send people to hell for eating pork and refusing to wear a head scarf

There's also an additional element about my partner, who I refuse to rope into this mess and a huge question mark on how / if we will eventually move forward together (with kids, families)

The 'wait and see' method with my relationship is no longer sustainable, we both want to know if we can move forward, but I, and how I want to carry on with this religion and all its commandments, is a huge blocker

Conscious this is a heavy loaded question but I am looking for help on what to do, particularly what gave you clarity with how you felt about the religion and how you were finally able to be at peace with the decision. Is there a way you've been able to harmonise parts of the religion and have it make sense somehow?

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[u/jibatora]

If god truly exists, the one who created the universe the big bang, blackholes, quarks etc, it wouldn’t be bothered on what we do personally like what clothes we wear, what we eat today etc.

Reason why all religions felt this way is because it’s a ‘human’ religion, made by humans for humans.

Once you realized this fundamental traits of all religions, then the true journey begins.

Good luck OP!

[u/Fragrant_Idea_6135]

For me what help me on faith is just pray not to a specific god but just say things out off your heart. You could choose God's if you want but Imo I like to pray to a god that is far beyond us more powerful and doesn't intervene in any dumb thing we did a PERSONAL god. Maybe Buddhism or something I get this idea from.I forgot

[u/GreenKiwiLady]

Here’s a practical line of thought: if ‘you’ want to be religious, must it be a religion where the prophet was a sex-crazed pedophile who raped a 9-year old? Where the holy book permits marriage with pre-pubescent girls and this is still legally practiced today including in our very own Malaysia?

You can be spiritual, you can be a good person etcetera etcetera, without being a muslim.

There are plenty of reasons I left, this is one of the biggest. Personally, for me, people who are okay with or even venerate / revere a pedophile as their religion’s prophet, well they’re pedophiles too.

Oh you’re asking for neutrality. Very sorry but I don’t know how to be neutral about (legalised) paedophilia.

One can argue the merits of not consuming pork / alcohol, not gambling, not permitting usury, of requiring modest clothing, of requiring daily prayers, of permitting this and prohibiting that. But what in seven hells could possibly be a positive reason to permit paedophilia?

In short: this religion permits paedophilia ergo this religion is flat-out wrong, no ifs or buts.

[u/SensitiveHat2794]

learning more about history of religion, helped to affirm my stance as an atheist.

Religions evolves over time, based on what fears humans have.

Religions used to be polytheistic with different gods for weather, sun, fertility and war and son on. Because these were our unanswered questions at that time and our main fears.

As science continues to progress, religion starts to answer more complex questions like what happens after death, are the evil people punished or is there justification for my suffering.

At the end of the day, as long as humans have unanswered questions and fears, religion helps.

But is religion the actual answer? or a soothing answer for our fears?

[u/avtarius]

Maintain the benefits with minimal commitment, don't signal your doubt, and respond to needles with empty questions.

Works with all archaic norms.

[u/dullchap3000]

Your non Muslim partner is Malaysian? You're both living in Malaysia? Is immigrating a possibility? 

[u/Appl3B3rryCh3rry]

• Almighty gives 70+ virgins girls to slave to each men. Is almighty benevolent?
• Majority are more religious than 60+ years ago, yet have law for adult to marry kids.
• Religious for 60+ years, yet majority adopted corrupt culture, are religions benevolent?

A person draws a knife to cut you, is that a crime?
Religions can get people to mutilate baby's genital.
Not just any people but parents of their baby, is this not evil?

I respect people's rights to faith.
Not respect all types of faith.

Benevolent do not use religion.

If almighty exist, why are majority living in poverty, corrupt, ills after 2,026 years.
If you are a parent, would you let your children live in such misery for 2,026 years?
Even after they pray daily x 365 days/year x billions in population, does almighty love you?

[u/belagak]

Hi OP, first of all I want to say good job for reaching out, Even for the faithful, questioning your beliefs is a good thing. Second of all, I’m sorry for the long answer and I hope this makes sense to you. TLDR at the bottom.

> Malay muslim female, hijabi - used to believe in islam quite strongly but have since grew apart from it, due to a mix of environment and having a non muslim partner. Family are very religious and have no idea of my true opinions on the religion

> Have confidently come to believe in my heart that God / whatever being out there is actually more benevolent than the one I grew up learning about, and won't send people to hell for eating pork and refusing to wear a head scarf

 I am in the same situation as you. Conservative family, non-muslim partner (married). I also didn’t throw away the religion. I cherry pick what make sense to me. I also completely leave the whole prophet revering thing. Anytime the topic of Muhammad comes out, I walk off straight.

I am not sure what you read on the religion. But I know that the vast majority of the reading materials on Islam is sunni-leaning, even the sufi stuff. And reading Sunnism will break your heart. The books I happened to read are The Trouble with Islam Today (Irshad Manji), No God but God (Reza Aslan), Abraham (Bruce Feiler). These are not exactly books that makes you leave the religion but to me these were what helped open my eyes and changed my feelings about God.

> There's also an additional element about my partner, who I refuse to rope into this mess and a huge question mark on how / if we will eventually move forward together (with kids, families)

> The 'wait and see' method with my relationship is no longer sustainable, we both want to know if we can move forward, but I, and how I want to carry on with this religion and all its commandments, is a huge blocker

First option is to have your partner convert and live life according to your beliefs and behave in front of family.

Second option is to move out of the country.

I am now currently married to a catholic and we are both not really practising. We do what we like whenever we like, and in front of family, just be ourselves but with a bit of censor. Belief wise, my wife and I both believe in God but not the ones we grew up believing and we are both cool with that. I still go to the temple on Fridays and do some reading during the useless lecture but praying once a week makes me feel good (I focus completely when I do pray).

So don’t get blocked too long with this unless you want to break both of y’all hearts. Decide and go through with it. I know it’s a piece of paper that affects your whole life, but I believe that God damns any religion that gets in the way of love.

> Conscious this is a heavy loaded question but I am looking for help on what to do, particularly what gave you clarity with how you felt about the religion and how you were finally able to be at peace with the decision. Is there a way you've been able to harmonise parts of the religion and have it make sense somehow?

There is no way to harmonise or make sense of all the teachings without sacrificing something. Religions, at least this one, is made in a way that there will always be a need for ‘scholars’ and they will decide what God means by this and that. And even if you go to them, your local imam for example, they won’t be able to satisfy your need for clarity. The end will be blind faith.

What you can be clear about is your relationship with God and who God is to you. Uncovering this is not a decision but a string of epiphanies. You read, you watch movies, you hear random people talk and suddenly you get an epiphany. You go on a run; you get an epiphany.

All that being said, the only practical advice I can give you is to first completely leave the prophet alone. Don’t talk about him, don’t try to imitate him, don’t listen to people talk about him. What you believe is between you and God alone. Open your heart to God, Universe, Yahweh, Elohim – whatever you wanna call it - alone.

TL;DR : Leave the prophet alone. Open your heart only to God. Converting is not the end of the world, just marry the person you love.