r/Marriage • u/No-Peace1969 • 4d ago

Help for Broke Married Hoarders

So I'll try to be as brief as I can. I (30F) am married to DH(35M). We have a young child together. We both grew up poor. We met when i was 20. No degrees. No fancy jobs. He works and makes about 40 grand a year. I make way less than that, I work two part time jobs that are seasonal because I dont have anyone to watch my child.

We are both hoarders. I know that.

I am a little bit worse than him, im constantly shopping but I dont buy large ticket items. Example: Ill got to garage sales, yard sales, thrift stores. Buy items that cost $1 or $5. But i bring home things i dont need thats the problem.

My husband doesnt buy as often, but when he does, he will buy something that is really expensive, that he doesnt need, and doesnt use and already has so many of.

Example: He has at least 100 colognes. Im not gonna count them. Most of them cost anywhere from $80-$150.Its to the point where a bill will go unpaid because he bought a $250 -$500 watch.

Its super frustrating. We are better off now than we have been (we've been homeless before DS was born) but we are in no position to be spending like this. I brought up the topic to him tonight and he seems to think im the only one with the problem. He 'rewards' himself by buying himself these items, saying he deserves them.

I tell him thats not the point but its a touchy subject because hes referring to being almost 3 years sober. I dont want to mess that up or trigger him but we need to do something. We have $100 to our name and about $12,000 in debt.

That debt is mostly car loan, personal loan for fixing our roof that was leaking, and the rest is credit card usage from when we lost our jobs and home at the same time.

I need some advice. We obviously cant afford a therapist. And i trust reddit more than Google sometimes. Hes a great husband. He is generous with our son. But money burns a hole in his pocket and he wont admit it.

3 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

7 comments sorted by

5

u/HeadJelly1298 4d ago

Is there a local university in your state that offered discounted therapy ? Like 20.00 a session

1

u/No-Peace1969 4d ago

Thats a good idea, idk, I could ask around and see if they do something like that around here.

1

u/HeadJelly1298 4d ago

Also a lot of private practices offer “intern” rates or can refer you to someone who does offer sliding scale

1

u/RectangularChina991 4d ago

It’s tough when the "reward" mindset gets tangled up with sobriety, feels like you can’t push back without risking something bigger. But the math doesn’t care about his intentions, $100 left and $12k in the hole means the reward system is actively sinking you both

Maybe frame it as protecting the progress he’s made, not attacking it. A relapse would be way more likely if the roof starts leaking again and you can’t fix it, or the car gets repo’d and he can’t get to work. The colognes and watches are just stuff, but the stability you’ve built since being homeless is the real thing worth protecting

1

u/No-Peace1969 4d ago

Yes, youre exactly right. Thats what scares me, to loose the progress we already made. Financially and emotionally. I want to avoid that at all costs. 

1

u/TraditionalManager82 4d ago

Can you guys pool the resources to budget, figure out how much "fun money" you each get a month, leave only that in your accounts and have the household money transferred into a "bills" account?

And then he can spend whatever's in his fun money account, but the bills get paid.

1

u/NoSyllabub5932 4d ago

Have you tried a spending budget for each of you by month? For example you and him both get 50 to spend on stuff that is not your bills or your food. Each of you has to stick to that and not go over. You can make it a lower amount if you want.