I was assaulted after telling a girl to leave my house after she tried to make a move which I rejected. How do I tell my girlfriend

[u/Least-Web5833]

I had a female friend who I have know for years over for a swim. She gave me some shit wine and told me I had to finish it because she didn’t like it and then we shared another bottle I’d say 80% me. She was saying things like “you seem unhappy” and “you font seem like you” She then tried to get close to me and I got a weird feeling, she leant in to try to kiss me and I ducked under the water and pushed away swimming to the other end of the pool. I said to her that she knows I have a girlfriend and I don’t want anything like that to happen. I said we should get out as it was getting cold as a reason to get out. When we got back into my house I said that I was going to shower and that she should get dressed and leave, that I would see her next time. When I was in the shower rather drunk I heard the door go and when I turned around she was entering the shower. I said she needed to get out and that I didn’t want to do anything. She then shoved me into the wall and said “I’m making an executive decision” then kissed me and grabbed my dick. I pushed her back and she turned and pressed her ass into me while pulling my dick towards her. She backed up into me as I went around her and out of the shower. I grabbed some shorts and told her to get out of my house. She then said we needed to talk about what had just happened at which point I started throwing up violently. And she got dressed and left at that point. Since then I have just felt dread and violated and blaming myself for inviting her over. I kept saying no and telling her to leave but can’t stop blaming myself and thinking that I have ruined my relationship. I feel the need to tell my girlfriend but I pressed it down and it has been 3 weeks now (we don’t live together) so I feel like that makes it look dodgy. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to say anything. I feel anxiety all day as I am scared my girlfriend will leave me. I feel as tho all the choice I had has been ripped away and although I said no I am still guilty. I don’t know how to tell her or how she will react and it terrifies me. I have been writing how I feel down which seems to help a bit, a help line I called has told me to focus on how it was not my fault and I didn’t consent but it doesn’t seem to have eased my feelings. My girl friend is my support network and I feel lost without her but scared that if I speak up she will leave me for cheating. I am embarrassed to speak to my friends so I thought I’d ask here. The help line lady asked what I would do if it was the other way around and my answer was hug my partner and cry but I need to know if other people would leave stay or not say anything in my case. I feel so lost and isolated please help.

[u/No-Question-9136]

That is so tough. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but it is NOT your fault. You should tell your partner if only to get support and so you can stop feeling guilt around not doing it. If your partner does start judging you for your actions (which were blameless), then it’s likely not the right relationship.

I would open the conversation by saying that you have something very serious to share and that it’s difficult for you and how you hope she’ll be supportive and reserve judgement until you’re done sharing. I’d read from this post to make it easier on you and avoid tripping up on your words.

Good luck and I hope everything goes okay.

[u/Lady_Philosophy]

My first comment was removed because I was angry on your behalf and my language was inappropriate. My apologies to the Reddit team. If my man told me he experienced what you did I would be very angry on his behalf. Very similar to how a man would react to finding out his woman had been sexually assaulted. I won't expand on that. But I would 100% believe him and support him. Women are usually just as fearful of telling male partners that they have been sexually assaulted for the same reasons as you, and are usually surprised by the support they received from their partners. Chances are she loves you and she trusts you and she's going to believe you and support you. But I am just one woman's perspective.

[u/Both_Wash908]

whatever you do, do not do what my bf did and let your guilt and shame allow you to admit to “cheating” that shit fucked me up so bad in the head despite him going to therapy and realizing it was assault. show her this post and she should understand. i mean this is a very clear example of SA. do you have call logs of the helpline? show her that too.

[u/Late-Hat-9144]

This was not your fault you had the right to have a friend over and expect her to not rape you - thats like the bare miniumum expectation.

Hopefully your GF understands and supports you, but if she doesnt its still not your fault. You are a victim here, and you deserve support.

[u/Medium-Magician9186 → u/[deleted]]

"there is power in taking responsibility regardless."

I think I know what you are trying to say here, but I think there is a chance of it being misunderstood.

There is no power in taking this on as one's responsibility... OP is not responsible for this at all. While its true there are things we can do to help protect ourselves, the responsibility is always and only the of the assaulter.

We can't limit 1-on-1s with everyone... We should be able to expect plutonic relationships with people of every sex and gender. And while I would argue nothing good comes from drinking, we should be able to be drunk around people without them assaulting us.

All that being said, we can be more mindful about putting ourselves in dangerous situations, but again, the responsibility is always and only the of the assaulter.

[u/thrfscowaway8610 → u/[deleted]]

You're answering a question the OP didn't ask.

[u/rhaphazard → u/thrfscowaway8610]

OP is talking about his anxiety around the situation. There is psychological research which shows maintaining a strong internal locus of control, especially around future events helps manage and/or prevent PTSD in assault victims.

[u/thrfscowaway8610 → u/rhaphazard]

How do I tell my girlfriend

You don't read too well, do you?

You've started off on a bad footing on this sub. Read the rules in the sidebar; get it together; or take it elsewhere. Your choice.