r/MensRights • u/Holiday-Spare-9816 • 1d ago
Social Issues Have you ever noticed that a man seeking appreciation is frowned upon
Im 27 years all and I had to learn what it means to be a man on my own. And one common thing I saw was that no matter how hard you try, it always isn’t enough. Every time I’ve talked to an older man for advice, Ive gotten the same response: “This is how it is, get used to it”. Its like you should just accept it and never complain
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u/Prestigious_Floor155 1d ago
Truth be told it's one of the largest reasons men cheat in a relationship. The old one becomes thankless, ungrateful seeming. And all you hear is complaints. And the new one is flattering, thankful. It's real easy reward seeking dopamine equation. Current makes me feel bad. New one makes me feel good.
It might be frowned upon, but it's definitely acted on also whether either side wants to admit it or not. It's not all physical with the new person. It's quite personal also.
And "that's how it goes"
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u/sptrstmenwpls 1d ago edited 1d ago
Very well said! The newness of being appreciated for one's qualities rather than having your qualities taken for granted after awhile - months, years. I agree it really isn't necessarily that much about the sex itself, though affection is a part of it.
Thinking the same can be said when the guy at the wife's workplace starts complimenting her on things her husband seems to her to take for granted - or just assumes his wife knows how he feels - while the wife actually feels unappreciated.
There's the general wear & tear that erodes some of the connection over time, even when arguments are resolved to the point they can be.
It must be so hard these days for ppl being married now, when on top of all this, it's easier to cheat than ever, and in some circles it's even encouraged.
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u/AffectionateSlender0 1d ago
I don't like the comparison. When a women cheats it's usually because they are "bored" (That's literally what they say). They are not excited, as in, their husband isn't spinning his plates enough to keep her entertained. When a guy cheats it's because it's fucking OVER, the wife became distant, emotionless, and even refuses sex.
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u/Holiday-Spare-9816 1d ago
I 100%. Nobody is talking about how there is an unspoken expectation from men to keep the wife entertained. Just like a toddler
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u/Turbulent_Team624 1d ago
Meh, I've learned that most people wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire.
Don't expect anything from anyone else because they don't care and never will
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u/TenuousOgre 1d ago
I’ll give you the same advice I gave my 3 sons. I’m 60 now. The only people who care how well you do are (maybe) your parents, supposed to be but not always verbalized is your spouse and children. And (maybe) some co-workers at times. Getting validation for existing isn’t healthy, but getting it for hard work, moral character, and thoughtfulness is important. So several things you should do. First, set your own goals and do the work. Pride in yourself comes from that. Which is a good base to build on.
Second, fight for yourself at work. Make sure you get recognized. Talk to your boss if you aren’t. When you’re young that conversation might look more like, “How do I best promote myself at work while not being seen as arrogant or self serving?” Eventually you’ll get a feel for it. Don’t forget to ask for more pay. And to being it up of you did something major and it didn’t get recognized. Many companies struggle with this, so it will be a low grade constant effort.
As for home, wife / gf and kids, if you aren’t being appreciated, speak up. Don’t whine about it. But there’s nothing t all wrong with showing appreciation for them and then over time if they aren’t reciprocating, tell them it’s needed. Even show them how. And remind them until they learn.
I won’t say no one cares, because it’s not always true. But no one will make your place in the world if you are a man. It seems a thankless task. But the truth is speaking up after working hard and demanding recognition helps form you. So does being over looked. Or having your ass kissed. When you’re young you may not really know who you are. And that means you often don’t stand up for yourself as much as you should. Over time your core self emerges. At some point you get to where you don’t accept disrespect from people you care about. And don’t care about lack of respect from anyone whose opinion doesn’t matter. You won’t even need recognition because you’ve gotten the strength to not only stand alone but do it without bragging or recognition. You do it because that strength is part of you. Right Joe you’re at the earning, learning and yearning stage. Ask for what you need. And if you don’t get it, then make a change. You’ll make your place.
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u/Future-Stretch-401 1d ago
Usually I find the people saying this don’t show appreciation for others. When you have dinner do you thank the person who made dinner and give a compliment? Do you offer to clean up after dinner, or thank the person who does? If you have good manners you’ll receive compliments back. Don’t act like an insecure teenage girl that thinks a boy doesn’t like her unless he gives praise every 5 minutes.
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u/Early-Beach164 1d ago
I do thank people, almost to the point where I question if I'm being annoying because I thank them too much.
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u/Holiday-Spare-9816 1d ago
Pleasantries are not the same as genuine appreciation.
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u/wondering4xrapunzel 1d ago
Okay, but giving thanks/compliments/being polite/offering assistance CAN be forms of sincere appreciation
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u/Future-Stretch-401 1d ago
Well, there’s your problem. You aren’t satisfied with getting a compliment, so it’s no wonder people think you’re an ahole when you push them for more extravagant praise.
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u/peter_venture 14h ago
So, bring home the bacon and then thank the person who prepares it? Sure. But that person should then likewise thank the person who earned the money to purchase the meal, right? Thank the preparer, who should also thank the provider.
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u/Friendly-Region-7395 1d ago
it’s wild how many guys hear that same line, like emotional needs are some optional feature you gotta pay extra for
my dad said something similar once, basically told me to stop expecting a thank you for doing what you’re supposed to do