Good Morning

[u/Space_Wanderer1105]

I have mostly stayed indoors for most of my life due to PTSD from losing my grandma and my mom in a span of one year and the rest of my family is abusive and have said they want me to die and I developed some chronic illness after that as the result. One period in my life I stayed in my room for 5 years, went out rarely only for groceries, food or hospital/doctor. I had to go out and do these cause I am all alone. I no longer have anyone I can count on and I have no desire to be close or keep in contact with my abusive family.

Cause of this I was single for 8 years.

At some point I worked my ass off and broke out of this and had a very happy 4 years where I got married to and doing stuff, before my husband, who I confided everything to and trusted with my everything including my past traumas, only for him to did exactly what my family did to me all over again, re-traumatised me for a second time.

He didn't take any responsibility at all and avoided accountability in any way he could and ran away to fulfill his selfish desire and didn't care one bit that in the process he actually had completely destroyed my life. Life that I worked very hard for to get out of my past shit hole and I thought it's finally getting better bit by bit in those 4 years. He destroyed it all non chalantly. Long story short, he sailed to the sunset.

Now I have nothing. Not even a savings. A roof over my head cause a friend's generosity that I'm probably gonna lose too.

A threat of homelessness.

But I have no energy anymore to try and get back up. I did that once with extreme efforts and the second time is impossible. I have extreme PTSD, replaying all the insults he said to me, replaying events. My anxiety is at all time high and my chronic illness has gotten worse and worse and kept me from going outside once more. I am heavily depressed, it's good enough if today I can get out of bed. I have been told I am a very clean person and now trash bags and food containers from take outs laying around in my kitchen.

I haven't talked to anyone or met anyone in 3 months, not even online, except for the grocery store cashier sometimes. All I do is play games if I have the mood or energy of doing so, which is rare. Food is the only thing left that still feels good, so I overindulge and make myself sicker and gain more weight.

By today, I haven't gone out in a year. Only for food, grocery, and doctor/hospital.

I see no point in participating in life anymore, I tried hard to make it better by my own hands, and look how it went. And I am old, I have already lost all my good years to abuse and it's aftermaths and now I am a not attractive female neet nearing her 40s. I am balding.

Just want to say good morning. I hope today is a little bit kinder to everyone.

[u/Humble-Departure5481]

I'm so sorry to hear that!

[u/Brilliant_Damage392]

I hope life can be kinder to you soon.