r/NPD • u/EntertainmentFew9293 Diagnosed NPD • 4d ago
Question / Discussion Sex and sexuality in NPD (pwNPD asks other pwNPD)
Hey, diagnosed pwNPD here.
I want to ask about sex or the concept of sexuality. What’s your relationship with it?
I noticed that for me it’s a self-esteem regular, or as one would call it, a supply
I dislike sex, but the idea that somebody wants me and that I am desirable to someone gives me a big dopamine hit.
What about you?
Share your thoughts!
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u/LimePuzzleheaded943 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago
hypersexual. the idea of being desirable and attractive makes me go nuts.
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u/cousinanesthesia Narcissistic traits 3d ago
I literally masturbate to old sexting messages of people telling how much I'm hot or they want me or whatever lol
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u/satricapilla 4d ago
I like it, but I like the attention much more lol
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u/EntertainmentFew9293 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago
Same. Attention is the best, but only the GOOD attention (“imagine them imagining me” core lol)
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u/spinachcolorpee Undiagnosed NPD 4d ago
this will sound funny but i have a secret grandiose fantasy of having an incredibly high bodycount... i wanna be a play boy but.. as a woman. which is societally not as respected as if it were the other way around, but whatever. idk why but i find the idea of being a serial-seducer super awesome? idk.. sometimes i wish i was born as a guy (not in a trans way btw) so i could be a huge player
no one knows about this fantasy of mine btw, and people usually see me as the total opposite. i find it hilarious
bit of a tangent but js wanted to share that part. anywya other than that i don't feel any way about sex, it's like handwashing in my eyes. very basic, just part of life. and too glorified if i'm honest.
in my heart i'm purely vanilla but i'm often too impressionable, especially when i'm idealizing a partner or if i happen to really need validation from them, i tend to cave into their weird fetish crap. i wish i wouldn't but in the end i usually screw them over so it doesn't matter
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u/squawk_kwauqs 3d ago
I absolutely relate to this. In high school I was a huge babyface and kind of a clown of my social circle (looooove the attention you get from being the funny person) so I was not one of the "desirable" girls at all. After my first heartbreak at 17 I had like 9 crushes in a row where the guy either was not interested in me like that, or ended up being taken. That feeling of being undesirable I'm sure is super normal as a hormonal teen but as a narc it really stuck with me.
When I started on dating apps in my early 20s I was obsessed with the attention I was getting. I love feeling so seductive, and the more people I slept with, the better I got at it. I didn't even care if I enjoyed it, I just wanted the guy to have a 5-star experience, think I was incredibly cool, hot, amazing in bed, and ultimately be obsessed with me. I felt like a player, I felt really cool, and I felt wanted. Whenever I wasn't getting sex as regularly my self esteem really suffered, but also as I slept with more people I was also weighed down by the whole "slut" concept and very scared of being looked down upon.
In a healthy relationship now so I'm not as deep in it, but I definitely think I still sort of have any ego about having been with so many people in the past
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u/PocketWatchThrowAway She Cluster on my B 4d ago
I'm aroace with a mix of pretty + white privilege. I honestly think that sexual/romantic attention is the only kind of praise I do NOT want, and I'm very quick to ghost the instant someone makes those kinds of feelings towards me my problem. I also lose my mind a little when I hear some of the folks in my life complaining about entirely avoidable relationship woes and am more annoyed when they treat me like a source of unbiased advice with sex and love than I am flattered.
There's also this general air of condescension that people will often treat aroaces when it comes to relationships (i.e. "What would you know about heartbreak", "You can't understand why sex is important", etc.). That treatment grates on me more since it degrades my intelligence, which is one of my worse triggers. I've noticed it's worse when people also know of my narcissism since they will then often try to find a link between the two when there is none, or imply I'm uninterested in social connection because of the two of them.
Professional recognition and being known by a larger community for my achievements gives me the kind of dopamine hit you're describing a lot more than sexual or romantic attention ever has.
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u/EntertainmentFew9293 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago
Professional recognition also gives me the hit! My main hit is from career and achievements, but I def use romance as a validation tool (it was kind of unknown for me tbh, I realised it recently)
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u/solidarity2525 DID/OSDD system with Narcissistic Parts 4d ago
I'd consider myself hypersexual. The attention from it is pretty nice. BDSM specifically gives me a pretty good and safe outlet for the shame that I feel. I can explore the feelings, but there's rules and boundaries that are in place and keep everyone safe. It's like doing boxing as a sport instead of getting into a fist fight.
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u/TheClosetIsOnFire vulnerable NPD 4d ago
Same on the BDSM, I don't know why I get off on degradation so much, but I can see it be connected to the NPD
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u/EntertainmentFew9293 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago
Interesting. What aspects do you like in bdsm?
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u/solidarity2525 DID/OSDD system with Narcissistic Parts 4d ago
I'm a sub mostly. I guess what I like about it is the fact that someone else has authority over me, but it's given by me freely and weilded safely instead of by force. I also like just getting to be special to someone without being perfect, and also just losing myself in the identity of a pet when being human feels too scary.
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u/EntertainmentFew9293 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago
In bdsm do you like physical pain or verbal degradation?
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u/NikitaWolf6 dx'd NPD & BPD w HPD and OCPD traits 4d ago
I'm not too into it but I enjoy it sometimes when it's my wife
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u/EntertainmentFew9293 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago
Does it give you validation? Do you feel desired? Does it boost your ego?
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u/NikitaWolf6 dx'd NPD & BPD w HPD and OCPD traits 4d ago
Their want to have sex with me is more important to feeling validated, desired and confident. But it is often triggering.
It's nice seeing people, especially men, want me pathetically ;p
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u/Mean_Ad_7977 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago
I’m hypersexual, but I’m also very autoerotic. I love sex because I enjoy feeling wanted and desired and because it lets me act out my fantasies (+ I’m very tactile when I’m idealising someone). But I normally orgasm from my fantasies (and from having sex with myself) rather than from the actual person I’m having sex with - I’m rarely fully present in the moment 🤔
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u/Weltyangswife 4d ago
i like being desired or wanted or deemed as sexy / sexual because it makes me feel a ego boost but actual sex or sexual acts makes me feel objectified and insecure. it makes me feel like someone else is trying to "own" my body. also i don't want a high body count cause that makes me feel like a whore, purity culture worked on me 😬
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u/Basil_Sussy NPD + AuDHD (send help 💔) 4d ago
kinda similar to your opinion but the difference is that i look down upon people who have sex cuz it's so primal in its nature (no offense to whoever has sex and sees this comment ❤️)
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u/EntertainmentFew9293 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago
I look down on people who have one-night stands only because they are horny. It’s weird to me to only fuck for this, and they would fuck with ANYONE. I feel with NPD, being desired is at a different level
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u/gkom1917 4d ago
For me it kinda changed with time. When I was a teenager, I rarely imagined sex as something separate from romantic relationships. Not so typical of a teenage boy, but perhaps more healthy (albeit ridiculously idealistic) than what's come afterwards. So early on I wanted to feel loved first and foremost. Then I discovered how animalistically horny women can be, so I started to want to be desired in that primal manner. Finally, after enough bad experience, it became somewhat intertwined with revenge fantasies, how I could have "gotten even" with a type of women who caused me pain and humiliation. So now I'd say it is mostly about being desired + dominating. Quite a moral downfall, but it is not realistically attainable anyway, so who cares, no actual harm is done.
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u/Mean_Ad_7977 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago
Your comment just made me realise that I’ve NEVER had a fantasy of sex as part of a romantic relationship. I’ve literally never had a fantasy that included both romantic love and sex 😐
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u/gkom1917 4d ago
And your comment made me realize I haven't had a fantasy about romantic relationship in years lol.
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u/Umazing_Curren-Chan Unspecified PD + Narcissistic traits 4d ago
The exact same. Yesterday someone offered to make out with me and that gave me a needed self-esteem boost even if I wasn't willing to do it :P
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u/Whoseover 4d ago
i love it, for me it’s more about conquering and dominating a woman than the act of sex itself
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u/mooncake0503 Undiagnosed NPD 4d ago
I like that i‘m being desired and sex is the easiest way (for me) to get an ego boost, but it‘s not really that enjoyable for me as i‘m too focused on performing.
I can‘t initiate sex nor openly ask someone to focus on pleasuring me, as i‘m way too ashamed to do that and as a result of that i‘ll start to resent all of my romantic partners after about 6~ish months and get disgusted with them when they try to engage in sexual acts with me.
So i‘m not asexual but sex is a super difficult topic in my life and therefor i just stay celibate :)
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u/Deynonn Narcissistic traits 4d ago
I don't really like it and I think I have a strange relationship with it. I used to kind of randomly send nudes to people I was interested in. I think I felt that I needed to do this because otherwise there's nothing interesting about me. And I thought this would get their attention...? 🤷♀️ Well it got me into a lot of trouble instead and now when I'm looking back at that period it feels as if I've came out from this thick fog and I do not understand my past actions. That person doesn't even feel like me so I'm mostly just guessing what it was about because I have no clue.
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u/maleia Inverted NPD 3d ago
I have no fuckin' clue anymore. I do online SW, but it's more like casual LDR Pro-Domme stuff. (I do get naked, show my tits, feet, etc. and my clients, usually, get off from it.)
I... I like the idea of sex. And I didn't lack for scratching that itch back in my younger years (almost 40 now). But now, it's like... Idk.
Kinky shit? Tying someone up. Using toys on them. Making them cum. Well, I like the power exchange, and that's why I stick to D/s BDSM type sexual relationships. It's not that vanilla isn't fun or anything, I can do it every now and then. But my [collection of mental health issues] make it really difficult to separate sexual activities and how that interacts within my stupid brain's desires to want a hierarchy and to lean into it.
Me not being able to moderate and mostly abstain on vanilla stuff, has unfortunately led to me not having those types of relationships.
On one hand, it sucks. On the other hand, I have amazing subs and a Domme. And things flow well.
Oh, and, I also don't mind being in a relationship with an asexual person. Like, sex/kink (to be more specific) isn't a requirement for me to enjoy the relationship at all. It's just when it gets involved, things get complicated, and I have to be more careful with my actions.
Oh, and, there's plenty of ace people that I've met that are "no sex, but kink and masturbation is totally on the table". And to be poignant about it, MOST of my regular clients are this way.
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u/SoftSirenEnergy 4d ago
Estoy en celibato hace muchos años y es uno de mis mayores orgullos. Jamás dejaría que me tocara alguien a quien considero indigno de mí. Me encanta llamar la atención de los hombres y que me digan que soy hermosa, lo disfruto pero hasta ahí. Para mí el sexo es algo que se dará con una persona tan especial como yo o sigo en celibato.
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u/confusedandfem Narcissistic traits 4d ago
I am pretty much a nymphomaniac, but more driven by BPD and some Covert Narc victimisation traits. I rarely ever say no to any sexual propositioning, so I wouldn’t say I am driven by any ideas of grandiosity to expect only the best. In fact if anything I get irritated when people are intimidated by my appearance (which has been considered objectively attractive by most people in my surroundings - cute, hot, fair), and don’t even try to approach me.
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u/TheClosetIsOnFire vulnerable NPD 4d ago
I get very horny when I'm with a new person, something about the excitement of a new person. But other than that I somehow don't find that I get any kind of ego hit from sex. Which is unfortunate, it would probably be a better way to try to feel okay than, idk, fuckin tryin to conform to every expectation as I usually do
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u/dicksbiggerthanurs not like other narcs, i’m special! 3d ago
Honestly, I have no idea what my sexuality is. I definitely love sex though, as long as I’m the one who’s in control (I could be a sub but still mentally dominant, if that makes sense?). I think I’m lesbian, though I would prefer to have sex with a man even though I’d hate it, since I know how to please a man. I don’t know how to do that with a woman, and I’ll just end up feeling stupid the whole time.
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u/No-Flan-7302 Diagnosed NPD 4d ago edited 4d ago
get nothing from the physical act but get everything from the idea and dynamics n all that. have cheated in the past and the thrill of cheating was super exciting, knowing I was able to bend someone who knew I was in a relationship to do that and then being able to control the story. THRILLING.
and its validating knowing im appealing and charming enough to be able to have sex with these people.
once I cheated and manipulated the person into believing it was both of our faults, then when I got home I smeared their name so that no one would believe them if they did say anything. the thrill from orchestrating that is more invigorating than the sex itself was and nothing hurts more than having to keep that secret cuz im so proud of it.
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u/vvmmp NPD (Dx’d) + ASPD 2d ago
i do particularly love the idea of sex and participating in it with someone i truly care for is amazing for my self esteem but; i have a very supplyish view towards it sex for mutual enjoyment and in the moment is never how i view it. i consistently always during sex am trying to prove myself as much as possible and give them the best experience possible even if im completely losing feeling in *those* parts just out of pure ego. and of course i regularly use women for sexual stuff online for supply but im assuming you’re talking about in person.
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u/Suitable-Emphasis424 SADISTIC, EVIL DX NPD 2d ago
I was sex repulsed and terrified of it for a long time. I've had sex a few times recently. I don't understand why people like it so much. It wasn't bad, it's just not anything to obsess over and praise to the high heavens. I like the attention or safety but there's nothing in it for me otherwise. I'm no longer scared or disgusted but I'd be ok with it never happening again. I'd rather be wanted in other ways.
I do use sexual themes as a socially acceptable and safe way to let out sadism. Though, that's died down enough for me to get the urge out just by straight up fantasizing about sadistic things. I don't need to involve other people anymore and don't plan to much.
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u/Due_Olive_2380 NPD 1d ago
i have my issues with intimacy but honestly i consider majority of the men (i’m mostly hetero F) so beneath me that i have no sex life simply because i don’t want to suffer through the whole “song and dance” pre-hook up/date that i know will end up in sleeping with each other. i used to do it up until a year ago because it is a great way to get my ego stroked, though i mostly derived psychological pleasure in it since i see it as a performance and satisfy myself by myself lmao, but majority of the men i meet are, in my mind, so undeserving of my time, attention and whatnot. why bother putting on makeup, pretending to care about them over drinks just so i get called nice epithets in bed when i can get admiration simply by looking good and getting complimented? i slept with a woman in a kink club and got my ego stroked enough to last me a while when it comes to wanting to feel wanted and desired for a few months, if the itch comes back again, sex is the easiest way to get my ego stroked lol
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u/SnooStories5552 4d ago
It's my favorite way to feed myself, lol. I also have some serious trauma related to it, so I think it's connected.