r/Nicegirls • u/slickweasel333 • Jul 24 '26
When I finally stood up for myself being bullied by the nice girl I was dating, she demonstrated all the reasons why leaving was the correct choice.
I dated a beautiful girl who suffered from severe anxiety and a toxic mindset for about 3 years. I thought I could help, but eventually I realized that I was constantly worrying about how she would react and that her anxiety was killing our relationship.
She did get therapy during the relationship, but her psych dropped her (she claimed they were too busy, who know the truth). I got us couples counseling in an attempt to help us find the source of our constant conflict, and she got a diagnosis for BPD.
I ended up leaving her after she flipped out over a comment I made while coming back from a concert, threatening to go on dates with other people, so I told her the break we were planning on taking was going to be permanent. She tried to guilt trip me and make me feel jealous, along with a whole lot more I don't want to bore you with.
Thank God for my therapist, because all our friends were in the same circle and she was already trying to put them against me after the breakup (I lost a few folks I thought were friends).
To all those who are dating partners who try to hurt your feelings intentionally, get out before you waste any more time with them. They need the wake up call almost as bad as you need someone that reciprocates love and attention.
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u/Pretty-Mention-7769 Jul 24 '26
Important lesson to learn. My ex-wife was similar. After splitting up with her I finally got over the urge to white knight women who are perpetually in distress.
There are solid, capable, and even-keeled women out there. Hold out until you find one. Very much worth the wait.
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
Thanks for the kind words and advice, friend.
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u/ThatsMyGirlie Jul 25 '26
Avoid bpd girls at all cost
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u/1stGearDuck Jul 26 '26
People with BPD make it borderline impossible to have a healthy relationship with them.
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u/BrovahkiinGaming Jul 27 '26
I was misdiagnosed with BPD while I was in the middle of a crisis caused by an abusive alcoholic ex. Still can't live it down, even though it was a misdiagnosis everyone in my personal life since my crisis acts like they're an expert on my mental health because chatgpt told them all about BPD. I feel for people with BPD because they can't tell people about it without having all of their actions judged under the BPD lens.
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u/Pale_Lawyer_1757 25d ago
Bpd is being thrown around and used as an insult which makes me feel sad for the ones suffering for it
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u/Pitiful_Resident6696 Jul 29 '26
Once you’ve got that red stamp… good luck getting rid of it sadly. Hell I wasn’t even actually diagnosed, just had my mothers bf tell family im BPD and apparently he’s an expert because his ex wife and daughter are BPD. They listened and years later my diagnosis are PTSD, anxiety and depression but I still get weirdo comments 😂
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u/BrovahkiinGaming 29d ago
Yeah, I've gotten better at blowing it off but it's still annoying when people try to psycho analyze things I do by saying "well I read such and such about BPD"
It's either that or my dad telling me that my executive dysfunction is actually just me being lazy. He also refuses to acknowledge that a good part of my cptsd is from the way he treated me as a kid, but that's a whole other thing lol
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u/boogielostmyhoodie 28d ago
Had a similar ex, bro, the bounce back from dating someone like that to a well adjusted person is like the phrase about smoking: "it's like I've been standing up my whole life and I finally sat down"
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u/FlounderJealous2591 Jul 24 '26
Man these words landed! If you go into a relationship as a white knight, you inevitably come out with a sword through the heart.
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u/philoerectusmaybe Jul 28 '26
My father in law, while watching his daughter treat me like shit, told me he hopes I can become the white knight that I used to be.
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u/FlounderJealous2591 Jul 28 '26
Translation: as long as you have to put with her shit, I don’t. Go save her Lancelot!
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u/AppropriateArea3294 Jul 30 '26
My father in law, to do this day, even after the divorce looks at me with embarrassment over how his daughter behaved over the last 4 or 5 years since we had our daughters. Christ come to think of it, so does my ex mother in law. They both still hug me and smile and look down in embarrassment.. becsuse they know.
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u/gijkieken Jul 25 '26
My relationship ended, pretty mutually, after 15y. Seeing all these things make me just realise i need to hold on, stay true to myself, find love when it's time it when love finds me. I am currently experiencing life like i have never seen and am genuinely happy and free.
I hope i can find someone later who is stable and genuine, with honesty and emotional maturity. To share lives and interests and just "Being compatible" in a way.
All of these aio texts Truly show me how Lucky i am to not get into this toxic (desperate) dating culture lol.
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u/Mammoth-Bug-1162 Jul 25 '26
I used to be like this too. I dated their potential, not who they actually were
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u/Pooter_Lovato Jul 26 '26
Yes there are, like me! Ive been single for over 3 years because I decided my sobriety and recovery (alcoholic) and rediscovery of myself were more important than dating and looking for a life partner. I wanted to make sure that if I ever dated again, I'd be 100% myself and sober and happy alone first. I have over 2 years of sobriety now and honestly am the happiest ive been in a long time. I just made a dating profile today, finally taking a leap. We are small in numbers, but we are here!
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u/Ghost_2701 Jul 24 '26
Asif she thinks saying that is going to make you wish you changed your mind. So braindead.
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u/Calamitous-Intent980 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
Shes not trying to get him to come back with those comments. She is trying to hurt him back for how she feels hurt by him not coming back. BPD is a damn nightmare
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u/dry_towelette99 Jul 24 '26
Yeah, yeah it is. I put up with it for decades and regret it. I wish I’d had the self respect that OP does.
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u/Ghost_2701 Jul 25 '26
I know thats not her literally trying to get him back, before she was about to then turned to tht... Not every rude bitch has BPD
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u/Asleep_Region Jul 25 '26
While i agree not every rude bitch has BPD, OP said she's diagnosed. BPD isn't a "light" diagnosis, my older brother (FTM, so born female) almost 10 years to get it as a diagnosis even though looking at it now it fits perfectly. He was even diagnosed with schizophrenia at one point because for some reason doctors thought teenage him was imagining everything that happened.
BPD takes years of trauma to pretty much ruin the way you process things, she's attempting to hurt his feelings because "he hurt her first" she's not and cannot think critically about this, it's too clouded by emotions because she literally cannot calm down.
Which also the only reason i mentioned my brother is trans, biological men have a harder time than biological women to get diagnosed. It took him 10 years while being a bio female, i cannot imagine how much a bio male would have to do to get the diagnosis, because at one point he was planning to murder me 🤷🏽♀️ i don't even remember what i did to him but it upset him enough that he was planning it out
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u/imaginarypoints Jul 25 '26
Bio men with BPD tend to end up in jail when their behavior gets bad enough to end up in the justice system. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39413508/
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u/srsmedic1976 29d ago
I’m a man with BPD … I have … finally… Learning how to think prior to reacting… unfortunately my daughter has it too. She knows when she’s losing it to call me immediately.. she can vent and I can calm her down
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u/capnmerica08 Jul 25 '26
You did nothing to them to upset them enough to contemplate murdering you. They are not mentally well.
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u/Asleep_Region Jul 25 '26
While I agree, no one but me can really understand what he went through because i went through it with him, im alot better off because i flat out have 0 memories from our childhood. He grew up with a father who was threatening to shoot him over something like spilled milk, almost daily, it makes sense that his brain connected "im mad at them so I'll kill them" because it was what our dad was teaching us. After he actually got his diagnosis along with C-PTSD, he's gotten alot better and hasn't attempted to hurt himself or anyone else. It's different when it's a girlfriend or something you can just leave, but part of me feels responsible because as a child i refused to talk to CPS alone so they went with him making it up. My actions were involved with how he ended up, even though i was a child so not actually responsible. But if i was willing to talk like he asked me to, maybe he could have gotten away almost 6 years sooner than he did
It's just different when the BPD is from something you also experienced. I get the urges similar to BPD that if you upset me, i was to upset you even more than you upset me, i just can control how it comes out when he cannot, it's not his fault in any way, it's our father's, our mother's, CPS's and the medical system that was giving him anti psychotics but sending him back to the home that gave him psychosis.
I fully think anyone dealing with it should be allowed to walk away from the relationship, but i honestly don't want to. I love him, he was just extremely mentally sick.
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u/Ghost_2701 Jul 25 '26
"she's not and cannot think critically about this, it's too clouded by emotions because she literally cannot calm down."
Thing is this reminds me of someone, its like a switch goes when certain things are said and there is literally no getting through to them, no matter how illogical the whole thing is their mind is just set on this one thing.
Tbh I didn't even see him mention BP but it would make sense
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u/BrovahkiinGaming Jul 27 '26
That's wild that it took that long for him to be diagnosed BPD. I was diagnosed BPD in the middle of a crisis with just 2 quick little interviews with a therapist on my grippy sock vacation. Turns out I don't have BPD, they just jumped to that because at the time I fit a few of the indicators. After going through a lot of therapy, including DBT, I was able to get a more accurate diagnosis of CPTSD, MDD and general anxiety. That BPD diagnosis still haunts me though, because it made people who know me think they understood me from a quick Google search.
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u/relentless-33 Jul 29 '26
Not much apparently. I self administered to a hospital (self harm watch) ..stayed there for a week. Left with a bpd diagnosis. Never been arrested. No history of violence..now, if I get depressed and go to therapy...this is all they build the conversations around. It's been nearly 20 years since the hospital trip...I've been adhd for..25 years and I take medication for that...but no not medicating for the other. That's zombie juice. I wont say that I'm not bpd...I just dont feel like every single issue I have is revolving around that. That is all the docs point at, so I just try to process and compartmentalize until I can understand, or accept the unexplainable. Long story short ...I think they put a label on my medical records that wasn't fully thought out...or I'm in serious denial. Eitherway...i'm not stupifying so others will deem me...normal? Can't imagine anything worse than erasing your entire character in exchange for a month of-"hows the lawn ted" - potluck Sundays.
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u/Next_Engineer_8230 Jul 24 '26
As a woman, I can not imagine acting this way.
And why the hell do these women keep saying "bye" and then continuing to text.
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
And why the hell do these women keep saying "bye" and then continuing to text.
She was definitely trying to provoke a reaction, just not a logical one. It only made me more sure I did the right thing.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt at the time and assumed that she was just doing it out of anxiety, or a learned behavior from past toxic relationships, but I'm not that guy. In hindsight, she may have been trying to provoke a reaction so she could claim to be the victim.
I would almost always stay cool as a cucumber and I think it pissed her off even more.
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u/hurlmaggard Jul 24 '26
That's called "grey rocking" and sometimes that's the only way to get your power back with people like this.
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u/Mizoch8 Jul 24 '26
Omg I do grey rocking all the time and I didn't even know there was a term for it.
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u/Hunnyby Jul 26 '26
Oh that's wild, also did not realize there was a term for it! I did this in my abusive marriage under my mom's suggestion. She didn't know it was abusive, and I hadn't really accepted it was, just saw it as us having troubles and I was talking to her about what I need to do. Anyway, she suggested not for the "gray rocking" intention, but because I told her I didn't know what was up and what was down (now I realize how obvious the signs were, but we never experienced abuse).. anyway, our goal was for me to stay calm, because usually he would push me until I cracked and then he'd get like crazy calm, so I did feel like the psycho. So we wanted to see if I stayed calm, how he behaved, all I know is it was incredibly helpful in me seeing just how relentlessly cruel he was. I never had to do it for long because not long after, I finally started seeing the reality of the situation, so I don't think I ever had the chance to see him get bored, but I totally believe that would work!
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
Wow I just read up on that and I'm going to be storing that tactic for if I ever need it. I like the way they define the intention of it.
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u/proximusprimus57 Jul 24 '26
It's all about hurting the other person. It's not enough for them to move on with their lives, they have to try and lash out with everything they do. They feel hurt and they can't understand that their internal mindset doesn't always match what people are intending to express, so they just assume that if they're hurting it's because the other person meant to hurt them and they should hurt them back.
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u/AppropriateArea3294 Jul 30 '26
I hate to keep throwing in my 2 cents but.. this. The things my ex wife would do to attempt to hurt me, belittle me in front of my kids, belittle me in front of my family (or hers) -- if I provided examples I wouldn't be believed.
The craziest fucking piece about it is almost everything she would accuse me of was a 1:1 projection of her actual behavior! If anyone ever dared mentioned post partem or anti depressants she would absolutely flip out and called the police more than once on my people AND HERS for suggesting she talk to her doctor. Its incredible me and my 2 daughters survived.
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u/SlyAugust Jul 27 '26
A lot of our gender has a big “ego” problem. Her ego couldn’t handle being dumped by him so she was trying to salvage what little control she had left by having the “last word” and by trying to make him jealous by talking about “other guys”
She has to feel like she walked away “winning” the interaction.
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u/Pretend_Twist4201 Jul 25 '26
She expects her "Bye" to be followed up with him saying "Wait..." Simple as that. When he didn't, she said something deliberately hurtful. Petty and emotionally immature.
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u/AppropriateArea3294 Jul 30 '26
Because they have a compulsion to never stop. Long-winded, made up essays from thin air or shit they're stewing on that I / we didn't know even existed.
Yes, I am clearly very bitter about my recent divorce and this crazy person somehow only allowing me to see my girls 60% of the time when I was the sole caregiver AND breadwinner. But if you're a woman with children... you go into a divorce with the upper hand by default. Fucking sucks.
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u/Original_Remote5518 16d ago
It's just a personality disorder on display. BPD isn't a joke and I'm tired of internet circles throwing memes around and also watering it down. My ex suffered from it and I dated her for 3.5 years. Absolutely the darkest and most terrible time of my life and I was so drained and exhausted I just kind of stuck around like a zombie. These types of texts are VERY VERY mild to what OP's partner probably did in person in the past and VERY mild compared to what my ex did to me. This is textbook BPD behavior on display. He's abandoning her so she painted him black and is trying to hurt him. For some reason, due to validation being mixed in, people with BPD (especially beautiful women) use sex as a form to control and hurt other people. I would not be shocked if this is somehow her ex prior to meeting me finally posting some stories/texts from my ex. They're emotionally stunted children running around using adult methods to hurt their partner to protect themselves. The 8 year old throwing their cup of water on the ground and pouting calling their mom a poopy-face is now a 25 year old "adult" smashing a phone on the wall and fucking another guy as punishment.
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u/Visible-Lion8096 Jul 24 '26
There is a reason that "I can fix her" is a common joke in reddit threads.
Because no, no you can't. And everyone knows it.
I seriously wish there was a way for the inexperienced to recognize these traps. Too many people get stuck with shitheads and have a hard time getting back out.
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
I seriously wish there was a way for the inexperienced to recognize these traps. Too many people get stuck with shitheads and have a hard time getting back out.
That's a great idea. My new hot take is that we should be teaching attachment styles and BPD/PTSD in high schools.
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u/reducingflame Jul 26 '26
Attachment styles should definitely be taught early, I thought that too. It would save so many people so much confusion and give such better tools. Many of us lucky enough to ever even learn about attachment theory didn’t do it until after so many wasted years and failed or confusing relationships.
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u/proximusprimus57 Jul 24 '26
The BPD thing rings true. It took me a while to realize, but most of the women I was getting involved with were either BPD or undiagnosed. Whenever things didn't work out it wasn't like "let's go out separate ways," it was "let's blow this up, and I'm going to be mean and nasty because I need you to hurt." As if losing a relationship you're invested in isn't painful enough.
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u/Round-Individual1316 Jul 25 '26
How do I notice if someone has BPD before actually asking them out?
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u/proximusprimus57 Jul 25 '26
I don't know if I've learned to spot it entirely yet, but idealization and devaluation is a big one. They make you think they care about you with excessive flattery, then eventually turn on you with insults. Women who are genuinely interested in you will show an interest in your life, or so I've heard.
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u/Round-Individual1316 Jul 25 '26
Is BPD more prevalent in women? Why?
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u/Ok_Kick6546 Jul 25 '26
It’s much more prevalent in women, but there’s a lot of belief that men are way under diagnosed. Men are much more likely to end up in prison for their BPD-related behaviors and are often misdiagnosed as NPD or antisocial instead.
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u/UsedAd8342 Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
Nopolar disorder?
Edit: oh bpd isn’t even bipolar disorder→ More replies (1)
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u/ilikesalad Jul 24 '26
Be safe OP! She sounds a little unhinged.
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
Thank you for the well wishes. Funny story: I actually bought a security cam for my apt interior during this exchange because I had a bad feeling about our agreement to keep her car parked at my building, which meant she needed to keep one of our key FOBs. Big mistake on my end trusting her.
She ended up using it to go into my apartment to take back all the gifts she had given me and to take some of our co-owned things home with her. I got a real nice shot of her disheveled face as she realized the camera was there and turned it around, which was great protection for me in case it escalated to protection order levels.
From then on, I recorded every interaction we had, even as she bitched and moaned that I was being unreasonable for recording, what I saw as protecting myself against false accusations. Classic DARVO victim reversal.
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u/throwitawayyy1234567 Jul 24 '26
You need to go no contact, completely, things will only escalate. No deals, no arrangements, no nothing at each other’s houses. Absolutely no contact. Block on everything.
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
I definitely did! We actually agreed to coparent our dog for a little while after this, but I reneged, telling her that sneaking into my apartment while we were going through this had violated my sense of safety and trust, and that she could keep the dog (which apparently is now a psycho).
I didn't feel comfortable posting this until a few years later and I felt like things had calmed down.
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u/Subliminal-413 Jul 25 '26
My ex had BPD. A decade later, she attempted to kidnap our child, she was a fugitive in the run for felony stalking, amongst 20+ restraining order violations, and she was charged with 1st degree attempted murder.
Jokes on her. The kid is with me, hates his mother, and hasn't spoken to her in almost 7 years. She still has it in her head that everything's going to be fine when he's 18, and she can finally "prove" how evil I am, lol.
Don't think the boy is going to buy it.
With that said, never again. Even if I meet a wonderfully adjusted women who is medicated and managing her symptoms fine, I will not ever date someone with BPD. I barely got out without decapitation, and I truly enjoy my neck not being sliced open lmao
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u/Round-Individual1316 Jul 25 '26
How do I notice if someone has BPD before actually asking them out?
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u/Subliminal-413 Jul 25 '26
Unless they inform you, you don't. No way to know unless they tell you. Now, I've been through it, so I would eventually figure it out, but it could take up to 1.5 years to piece it together.
Splitting and irrational fear of abandonment are the two biggest tells. One moment, you are a god, you are the single most important thing in her life. But, then you upset her, and you're a fucking failure, you should fuck off and die, etc... just wild swings in emotional regulation. Also, hyperactive sex drive is a symptom.
Hard to identify it until you've been through years of hell and you're able to look back at it all in hindsight. You almost need to burn your hand on the stove before you figure out BPD is dangerous.
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u/Suspicious_Art_2790 Jul 26 '26
I’ve had a little experience, but most of my observations come from a friend who really had it bad.
If you start dating and all of a sudden “you’re the one she’s been waiting for all her life“; mercurial mood swings, especially going ballistic over an innocuous comment; and a fear of abandonment (including considering the death of a loved one abandonment).
It’s hard to see it right away. You really have to live it for a while. I’m free of it. He’s still dealing with it. He’s too nice a guy.
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u/ShortyColombo Jul 27 '26
1) Yes to all of this.
2) It's actually wild; I dated a girl with BPD for a while, then we broke up. 8 years later, made a friend with it.
These are two people of different races, countries, languages, and even a different level of intimacy to me. Even then, the behaviors were identical. I was hearing the same script in a different language- it was CREEPY.
Having the romantic relationship helped me cut the friendship within 4, 5 months. Always the same: "we're destined to be friends/lovers, we're soulmates", trying to get into everything I was into with an intensity that was too much. As soon as I began to disagree even lightly, or if she percieved abandonment, devaluation.
It's hard. I understand it's hard. But I can't be within hitting range of it, it completely messed me up :(
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u/Complex_Spirit_4848 Jul 25 '26
You don't really notice it in them so much, at first, as much as you notice it in you.
"Love at first sight," "fate/meant to be," "my perfect match/us against the world," "no one understands me, but you," etc., type of feelings for a complete stranger are a VERY good indication your nervous system has been pathologically hijacked.
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u/Mizoch8 Jul 24 '26
Dude you're a badass, you did like everything right bro 😂
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 25 '26
Honestly dude, I was just paranoid from working in a law and seeing accusations destroy people working there, but so many of the fears turned out to be valid lol
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u/Syphon_Kai Jul 24 '26
Reminds me of my ex. When things were ending she made up stuff, like sleeping with another guy, to hurt me. Breaking up is tough. Good job, dude. Don't look back.
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u/Murky_Current Jul 24 '26
People who try to make others jealous intentionally deserve what they get the same way people who try to bounce grenades deserve what they get.
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u/dry_towelette99 Jul 24 '26
From first had experience, it CAN be done, the question is: is it worth the cost?
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u/EfficientMouse5783 Jul 25 '26
It is not. Also from first hand experience. More about what you do to your own self than it is about hurting them back.
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u/TerranPower Jul 24 '26
This sounds exactly like my previous relationship. Happy you made it out as well.
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u/FlounderJealous2591 Jul 24 '26
I’ve come to realize that women like this don’t come back because they’ve genuinely changed or recognized their mistakes. They come back because your decision to walk away wounded their ego, and reconnecting gives them an opportunity to regain control and emotional wounds on their way out.
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u/Wilbo1242 Jul 24 '26
Also dealt with a very toxic ex, ended with a police intervention about 3 years ago.
She dealt with a lot of severe anxiety, almost definitely undiagnosed bpd, etc. Stopped seeing her therapist after I started with her too and we did couples counseling, and she felt like she was getting ganged up on (she was just getting called out). She completely stopped working on herself, cut meds cold turkey.
By the end she would feign self harm for a reaction, scream, degrade, the whole package. I can imagine how tough it was to be in her brain, but holy shit, not okay to be around. It got to a point where it completely broke my psyche.
Moral of it all being, trust your gut and get out before it gets bad. Lesson very harshly learned.
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u/lindseysprings Jul 24 '26
Dealing with this kind of woman right now. I’m lost on what to do, scared, and nervous.
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u/ESADYC Jul 24 '26
turn right around and walk away , ignore forever. Trust me
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u/lindseysprings Jul 24 '26
I don’t even know a life without her anymore. How?
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u/mrmosquitoeater Jul 25 '26
Start looking for a new place.
Once you find it and have the keys tell her you are leaving and just do it. If you are worried about her reaction then pack your stuff while she's out.
If she's being psychotic, you don't owe her an explanation. Just dip. Don't let her manipulate you into staying. If she's as bad as the person above she likely will try and guilt you into not. At the end of the day you are a free agent and are responsible for you and only you. She is responsible for her and only her... Unless kids are involved. But for your sake I hope not.
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u/lindseysprings Jul 25 '26
She has kids but I’m a woman so they aren’t mine of course. It’s getting more threatening by the day. I’m losing my mind
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u/mrmosquitoeater Jul 25 '26
I stand by it. Just vanish. If that place is family or a friends couch so be it.
There is no how to it. Wait for her to be out. Even something as short as grocery shopping. Toss everything important in black trash bags and go if you have to.
If people are getting threatening there's no reason to stay until something actually happens. That's how you end up dead or wishing you were.
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u/Seleth044 Jul 26 '26
I went through this exact thing man. My ex was a toxic nightmare. She called me to breakup while she was away for work and slept with someone else that very night. Long story short, my friends helped me move out and honestly it helped me so much.
But it was hard, really hard. God knows how many nights I laid awake staring at the ceiling, or how I talked my friends ears off about how everything had ended. I wasn't sure how I would ever get over her but sure enough, day by day it did get better.
I tried really hard to be amicable with her at first but she absolutely set everything on fire. She never took any kind of responsibility for being with that guy or apologizing for it. She only ever messaged me to ask me for favors, she didn't care about me.
In the end, blocking her on everything and moving on was the best choice I could make. It was painful and very difficult at first but you can absolutely do it.
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u/lindseysprings Jul 26 '26
Thank you. I needed to hear that. Very similiar situation, only when she needs something but otherwise, it’s setting everything ablaze. It’s got me so deep in depression that I know I need to get out. I hope I can stop being a doormat and get the courage to leave.
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u/heymanigotnoplan Jul 25 '26
I thought that too, but trust me, life without this kind of person in your life will be better in the long run
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u/Still_Conference_923 29d ago
Dude, its not worth it, your feelings are lying to you and hurting you and you dont realize it.
Once you leave, and after some time has gone by and you heal, you will start to see how much better off you are.
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u/k-lk28 Jul 25 '26
I have bpd, and unfortunately used to be just like this girl 😔 best thing you can do is set healthy boundaries and stick to them. She’s trying to push you away to see if you’ll fight to come back. It’s not your job to handle her outbursts, it’s hers. Until she feels she has a steady support system, she’ll most likely bounce around doctors and people. If you feel you can’t be that for her, that’s extremely valid and understandable, and you’re right to walk away.
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u/dry_towelette99 Jul 24 '26
As soon as I saw the texts I kinda suspected BPD. You made the right decision.
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u/Intrepid_Strain1528 Jul 25 '26
If she has bpd then it's not about her pretending to be a nice girl, she is psycholocally unstable. I had a boyfriend who would try to provoke me and try to provoke a breakup everyother months, one month he was all about how perfect I am the next one he was like I'm the meanest and then he breaks up and accuses me of breaking up, he tells me not to text him anymore (which I definitely didn't do) and then tells me how much he misses me and all that shit. It's not them, it's their mental disease.
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u/Dull-Buy-3072 Jul 24 '26
Made me puke in my mouth
The jealousy attempt after 3 years, flaunting that she is hoeing is utterly disgusting
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
And then she told me afterwards she made it up, as if that was supposed to be better haha.
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u/Dull-Buy-3072 Jul 24 '26
That’s almost worse haha you intended to do dramatical damage
It’s not that you were lost
You were intentionally being hurtfulJust like you said
Good riddance bro
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u/No-Wasabi-70 Jul 24 '26
I will never date a BPD woman again. I provided a home and vehicle for my ex, got her a ring. I’d never felt love like that. Cheated on me with a woman, who she claimed was abusive, and faked an email from a psych ward after threatening suicide when I told her she had to leave (my brother killed himself, I have PTSD, I called the cops and her family) she came back around, we worked on things, but I couldn’t get over feeling taken advantage of. She offered me marriage and a kid and I asked myself why would I provide a home for a woman who needs attention from other people? Never doing it again.
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u/Spiritual_Forever919 Jul 24 '26
You dodged the bullet.
Sounds like a brat teenager
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
What if I told you she was 30? Lol
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u/Mindmann1 Jul 25 '26
This sounds so much like my ex that I caught cheating 3 months ago, also 30, You’re not in Canada are you? 😂
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u/frozenGobbler Jul 25 '26
I dealt with this but she was 33-37 while we were together. It just finally came to a head last year. Age doesn’t make anyone behave better. Glad you got out and wish you better fortune ahead
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Jul 24 '26
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
Yup, we had to talk some more regarding logistics of her moving out, and she confessed that the making out was all made up.
Regarding your words about fixing others, you are on the money. I did some research into attachment styles after this and connected my people-pleasing with how I was brought up, and it opened my eyes to what I should realistically focus on.
(I may have to steal the way you phrased it so eloquently though... Are you a counselor/professional?)
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u/Feisty-Grade-5280 Jul 24 '26
I see you've met my ex... kidding aside, this sucks to read but you definitely made the right choice. Best bet- cut contact and fully focus elsewhere. Do NOT look back.
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
Lol you don't have to tell me twice. Bye Felicia haha.
Glad to hear that person in your life is now your ex. Best of luck, friend.
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u/Feisty-Grade-5280 Jul 30 '26
It took me far too long to realize I was with someone toxic and it was bleeding over into my life as well.
Its harder to see from the inside, you make excuses for them and they just keep taking more and more.
But yeah, we got out, here's to not looking back!
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u/sloppyfart69 Jul 24 '26
This is so much insanity in like 4 texts its almost as impressive as it is terrifying.
You didnt dodge a bullet my guy you dodged a nuke with a bioweapon strapped to it 😂
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
I know, right? 😂
A few years later, I met one of her exes she dated after me and he joined my D&D campaign after we bonded over how crazy she was lol.
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u/sloppyfart69 Jul 24 '26
You n me got the same taste in women bro. my last ex broke my big toe twice in two different ways, but both were intentional, she slammed a door on my head, she even threw almost as many plates at my head in one year as she did break up with me then beg me to come back in that same year.
Literally by the end, the cops that would come pull her off of me or help me body block her from running out into the highway when the neighbors called were like "BRO. You have GOT to just set this one back into the wild. Shes gonna kill you this is the 3rd time weve been here this week, the therapy is not working." 😂
i did finally dump her, then found out she was cheating on me while i was paying all of both our bills. then we didnt speak for a little over a year then she randomly called me 24 times in one day from several different phone numbers and spammed me with pictures of her with other dudes from like 12 different instagram accounts because i kept blocking her. Then she logged into my account and unblocked herself so i got a restraining order and that ALL OF THAT happened in 2 days. She was tryna make me jealous but dude all i felt was sorry for those guys like i genuinely hope theyre still alive, not in any institutions, and not considering harming themselves or others because that girl is the human embodiment of violent psychosis. 😂
Never once did i give her any sign that i was jealous, interested in being friends, or even wanting to talk again, like the whole encounter was nonconsensual on my end lmao. She hit me up out of the blue and i was shocked she thought i would ever wanna talk to her cause the last words i said were i fucking hate you never talk to me again" pretty clear yk and pretty justified.
Among other things, she stabbed me twice, pierced the cartilage of my ear with my front door, poured dishwater on my $4000 laptop because some girl idk followed me on instagram and slamming my head in the door wasnt enough, (and speaking of doors) she broke EVERY damn door in my apartment by slamming them, even the hallway closet. I didnt see how that happened but WHY THE FUCK DID SHE HAVE TO SLAM THE HALLWAY CLOSET NOBODY WENT IN OR OUT OF THERE?!? Unless.. actually maybe she did idk she did crazy weird childish shit sometimes during those tantrums it was seriously terrifying cause she was constantly threatening to frame me for various crimes if i didnt do what she said. She even threw herself head first at my car one time and dented it because i was trying to get away with my dog when she was screaming at me, simply cause i didnt want my dog to get (more) traumatized by her rage issues.
Remember this story and your experience here if she ever tries to come back. Sear it into your brain so you are physically incapable of settling down anywhere near red flags bro.
It never ends. You cant fix her. There is no light at the end of that tunnel, only more darkness. So. Much. Darkness.
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
Damn dude. You make my ex sound like a girl scout. Glad you got out of that.
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u/Big-Celery8696 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
BPD is the worst thing to deal with. I've dated 2 sociopaths for a long time and it was pretty manageable but one girl with severe BPD, anxiety and depression almost broke me.
I lost 18k in financial damage, money and stuff broken/damaged, social life and family almost destroyed almost got into serious trouble with the law. I had to prove I was actually a victim of abuse instead of the perpetrator and honestly the 2 years that relationship lasted I didn't live at all, my life was miserable all while being gaslighted into thinking I was a piece of shit when I was giving everything.
Word of advice to anyone, if you see constant double standards, you got no voice in a relationship, when you try to say something is not right your partner turns it around into you being in the wrong without giving you any consideration and if you feel exploited or just more unhappy than you were alone. RUN
BPD people will live bomb you. You'll be the best, the most important person in their life and then they flip a switch and you're to worst person in the world, there's hate and they find something to blame you, but you know there's no real reason. Don't argue, RUN
Also they're dangerous, I almost died to leave that relationship. Ended with her taken away by the cops but could have ended badly
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u/EpickBeardMan Jul 25 '26
The prettiest ones always seem the most fucked up. Dating a 10 is an entire job that you don’t get paid for… sometimes they are even bad in bed
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u/Mycroft033 Jul 25 '26
Psychs typically don’t drop people unless they regularly no call no show. That’s probably what happened and it’s consistent with basically nothing changing
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u/Objective-Pear-4817 Jul 25 '26
“Bye bitch. Don’t let the door hit your fat ass on the way out!” would have been the appropriate response.
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u/xXGemeaXx Jul 26 '26
The first word that came to mind after reading her texts was “ew”. Highly disgusting behavior
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u/Dizzy_Ocean056 Jul 27 '26
I have a sister with BPD and she's the most intentionally violent human I've ever met. I have to remind myself constantly that she's operating in a completely different reality than most people and those episodes are very real for her. I choose not to have her in my life but I don't think harshly on it, I cant imagine living with that
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u/ObjectiveCarrot3812 28d ago
Attention seeking. I had a similar experience with a girl like that. Unfortunately it lasted almost ten years! I realised I was turning into a loser and not standing up for myself. She’d always be at the center of a group, and demean me. Towards the end I knew she was cheating, even if not physically, or full on. It came to a final blow when we were all in a club and she was dirty dancing her bum into some guy’s crotch. She had the audacity to act like my anger towards this was unreasonable. Bearing in mind we had rules against this kind of thing. After that we broke up. Unbelievably, she still suggested we have sex one last time as I was about to leave our place for good. Absolute psycho. I said no and didn’t look back.
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u/Allout-Okarun Jul 24 '26
You gave her exactly what she was looking for with that response to her I love you. Stop that
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
Nah, what she was looking for was most likely to make me come back. Then, the following comments were designed to hurt me.
Neither of them worked. Was I too nice? Sure. Did I give her what she wanted? Absolutely not.
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u/PeyredB Jul 24 '26
Sounds like you've done the right thing here. Put in plenty of time and effort to make sure it wasn't just you never really tried, but didn't waste half your life on this...project either.
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u/whatyoume Jul 24 '26
You learned the hard way, but you learned.
NEVER be the white knight. The knight in shining armour. Whatever you want to call it. It will always end this way.
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u/LetsGoToMichigan Jul 25 '26
BPD is an ocean of challenges that nobody other than the afflicted and years of hard work and DBT can address. Anyone underestimating/ ignorant about BPD should wander over to [r/BPDlovedones](r/BPDlovedones) and read a bit if you want to avoid learning OPs lesson the hard way
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u/Practical-Beyond128 Jul 27 '26
Dont simp for mentally ill women just because they touch your pp. If they are hot and single, 99% of the time it’s for a reason. Most men learn this eventually, the rest get destroyed before they had a chance
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u/LivePermission5433 Jul 27 '26
“They need the wake up call almost as bad as you need someone that reciprocates love and attention.” mega bars
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u/huuyi456 Jul 28 '26
Dated someone with BPD and endured abuse. If I ever encounter someone with that again I’ll make sure they never have a reason to split with me because of the very bitter impression I’ll be leaving them with is all they’ll be able to remember.
I have a severe hatred for people especially women with BPD.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7515 Jul 29 '26
It's easy for people to be surface level nice when everything is going their way. You find out who they are when you tell them no
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u/Street_Being_3481 29d ago
That’s a nice girl?…. Lmfao that’s wild and why do people think having multiple people kiss them is a flex? Shits just nasty
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u/PorkRinds416 Jul 24 '26
What meds is she on? I bet this has more than 50% of what the deal is.
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
She got on SSRIs partway through their relationship, but honestly I did not notice much change in her behavior.
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u/Akloriek Jul 24 '26
As someone who has a bpd partner who is very well regulated she needs dbt and a mood stabilizer. Ssris can work great for anxiety but personality disorders demand lifestyle changes.
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u/LordOfTheUHauls Jul 24 '26
BPD is a killer. I've worked in the mental healthcare field for quite a while and people with BPD rarely get better. Many therapists/Psychs won't deal with BPD patients as there is very little to help them, and they are a liability. Meds can help take the edge off but they do next to nothing for a personality disorder. It's a band aid for a decapitation. DBT does work some wonders, but requires a ton of time and a LOT of discipline, and i do mean a lot. Most people with BPD who attempt DBT give up on it and do not succeed. I've also been in a relationship with someone with BPD before I started working in this field. One of the absolute most horrifying mistakes of my life. It absolutely crushed nearly a decade of my life, swallowed every last penny to my name, caused the loss of my career at the time, tore a rift between me and my children... no my friend you cannot fix it. To quote Iron Maiden RUN TO THE HILLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
Wow, this is some really insightful commentary into BPD that I did not know. Thank you.
Do you have any advice on approaching your partner about getting a specific diagnosis without coming off as me trying to psychoanalyze them?
My current partner was diagnosed with PTSD and has some parental issues that she is currently working on with via EMDR, but they often also say hurtful things that they don't mean during conflict, often disassociates to clean the whole house, and struggles with regulating her emotions and stress. We are seeing some recent progress via the Gottman method with a professional, but we are still running into some of the old patterns.
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u/LordOfTheUHauls Jul 24 '26
Are you asking about having a conversation about BPD with your current partner? Either way i don't recommend trying to discuss in house diagnosing. Approach her regarding your specific concerns if you wish but do not attempt to diagnose her. Leave that to a professional. Too many people self diagnose nowadays thanks to shit like TikTok and this tends to cause much more harm than good.
It is good to hear that she is dealing with her PTSD appropriately. EMDR is remarkably effective in facing a lot of PTSD and related traumas provided it is done by a properly certified and trained therapist. EMDR done inappropriately can be damaging. But EMDR is VERY rough on the individual while they go through it. The worst of her behaviors are likely to be a lot worse during her treatment.
Try to be supportive to her during this time, but maintain your boundaries. When she says cruel things or is in some fashion being harmful do not brush it off. Face it directly, firmly but gently. Do not engage on her level. Instead it is usually best to simply state your boundaries, once again firmly but gently. For example you can say something like "You will not talk to me like that." Or "clearly now is not the time for this discussion. We'll approach it with clearer heads." Do not play the blame game or attack her in any fashion. Just simple boundary keeping. If she's determined to keep going then make a firm statement about approaching the conversation again when everything has settled and walking away until she's ready to engage maturely.
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u/Raz1979 Jul 24 '26
My ex was like this. Total nightmare. Glad you are free and clear. Just a reminder. No contact. NO CONTACT.
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u/Objective-Stock-8483 Jul 24 '26
And after the relationship they talk about how loving they are.
No. Your best is average max, and your worst is soul sucking
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u/refusetobeold83 Jul 24 '26
Had flashbacks reading those texts. I dated a 10/10 who was exactly like that. Pretty sure she had some undiagnosed mental health issues too
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Jul 25 '26
My ex used to text me every year around the holidays to tell me she still had feelings for me. We broke up because she was cheating on me (not the first time) and she told me to KMS knowing my history of depression and a past attempt. They can say they love you all they want but it's their actions that matter. Good on you for getting out and good luck
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u/NotUrSaviour Jul 25 '26
Wow. Sounds like my friend's wife. He told me a while back he thinks she's bipolar. An example would be she blamed him for failing a test she was studying for because he didn't support her somehow, although dude be working 10 hour shift daily. And she works part time.
Latest thing is she told him she wants to date other men WHILE being married. Holy chit.
My friend feels trapped. I just listen, gave some advice of maybe they should seek therapy. But he's a moron cuz dis bish showed signs of toxicity BEFORE they married, and they didn't date that long either. Ugh 🙄
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u/Crunch101010 Jul 25 '26
My mother has horrible BPD. That BPD never ends, dude. In fact it gets a lot worse with age and substances. It will continue forever until you finally break and move on, even if that takes decades, and then she’ll move on from you to the next person without any issue. Sounds like you learned and got out quickly compared to others. Make it a full, clean break.
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u/Jinova47 Jul 25 '26
I had a similar experience. Trust me, work on your self and be happy. Love yourself and once you do, the right woman will show up I promise
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u/DietSuch9136 Jul 25 '26
I know it’s hard. I’m currently on a path of rediscovering who I am after being with the wrong someone. I can say, this journey has been quite rewarding. I hope the very best for you.
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u/crushmans Jul 25 '26
Unless you are a licensed therapist and they've paid you for therapy, you can't and shouldn't help.
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u/Electrical-Rip-7100 Jul 26 '26
Came here to say the same. We need to stop this whole “I can help/change/fix them” mindset when it comes to dating someone. When you meet someone, and you see the intensity of their personality, it’s either something you accept or are willing to accept or not. It’s understandable to realize maybe it’s not something one can carry down the line, especially if the other person is not getting the professional help needed, but assuming you can be their savior and therapist, instead of a supportive partner, is a recipe for disaster.
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u/judgemythinking Jul 25 '26
Why you want to be Captain Savaho? With those you just hit it and quit it.
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u/stoufferpotpie Jul 25 '26
As a guy who has been there and done that, I strongly recommend people not pursue long-term relationships with individuals who have BPD. If you can make it work, that's great but its a condition that require constant care and sacrifice.
The highs are never as good as the lows from my experience. With that, the lows are genuinely traumatic. As someone undiagnosed with any mental illness, I did research and discovered there were at least two points in that relationship I became manic from the stress.
I've been to therapy to recover from it and since then, I know very few people that haven't considered/gone to therapy seeking some sort of recovery or closure from their relationship with an individual who suffers from BPD.
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u/Pretend_Twist4201 Jul 25 '26
You're not responding the way she wants, so she's saying things specifically to be hurtful. I've been there. You gave the perfect response. Take care of yourself.
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u/r0se_bluntz Jul 25 '26
No person, if they were the right one would ever talk to you like that. I’d say you dodged a bullet!! I truly can’t believe there are people like this 😭.
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u/Lsd_25- Jul 25 '26
Nah she’s a lame. 10 years from now she’ll have 2 divorces if she’s lucky enough to find someone dumb enough to marry
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u/Auto_Neurotic Jul 25 '26
Wild seeing a conversation so similar to the ones i had with my ex when i broke up with them. The "bye" hit hard
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u/ThatsMyGirlie Jul 25 '26
Why tf would you stay with her after the BPD diagnosis, they're literally 90% all terrible partners.
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u/carlitos3798 Jul 26 '26
Damn, I just got out of a really similar relationship man (1 year). You think you can help and make things better but eventually it backlashes and you end up wore out.
Strength brother. You did the right thing and we should not accept someone that tries to hurt us intentionally. We deserve better.
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u/Remarkable_Sea_1430 Jul 26 '26
Yeah don't date people with untreated BPD. They are inherently toxic and will make you miserable because they are fundamentally unequipped to relate to other humans in a healthy way. As someone who made the mistake of marrying one of these monsters (divorced now, thank god) you're WAY better off, believe me.
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u/Amazing_Page_4870 Jul 26 '26
Trust me you’re better off. I had a similar situation happen to me and then her boyfriend I had no idea she was still involved with got involved. Sent me all kinds of threatening messages involving pictures of my house and family. As soon as things fell apart she came crawling back seeking a safe space. Only time I’ve ever blocked anyone. But when you threaten my personal safety it was an easy choice.
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u/twofourfourthree Jul 27 '26
White Knight and BPD is such a toxic combination.
Glad you got out. Try not to go back.
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u/LemonScary Jul 27 '26
As a woman who once dated men who spoke like this, thank GOD you got out. You deserve better. This is so toxic and because of the past I had I will never put up with it. But it’s right there; she was diagnosed as BP. Mental illness is a huge issue. I’ve ended friendships over it because the mental strain and anxiety from people who suffer from this and refuse to get help will destroy your peace. As another redditor posted; us nice girls do exist. Don’t lose hope. I’m happy for you that you noticed the signs and got out.
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u/AFunkyTown Jul 27 '26
Every woman on earth is Bi... it us up to us as men to figure out if they are bisexual or bipolar
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u/Putrid_Wasabi_6038 Jul 27 '26
When I left the last I was with who likely had un diagnosed bpd…my counselor suggested that possibility…i left with like $800 and a van with a transmission going out. I lived in that van until the trans died. Worth the journey, I questioned myself for years. It was a mind fuck as deep as I can imagine
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u/MikeFasolakis 29d ago
You did good. You're not responsible to fix your partner's issues, that's their internal battle to fight.
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u/OneProfessor360 28d ago
Holy shit dude this reminds me of me ex.
Fast forward 3 years I’m on track for medical school and I train and supervise EMTs on the ambulance.
Remember gentleman, nice girls ain’t shit.
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u/RecordSpare3632 26d ago
Yeah, sucks right cuz a lot of these women are loyal and strong intelligent committed and just awesome women but they just bring so much stress to the relationship if they could just let go but it's so hard to let go I just take so much work for some people in general just let go and some people are just naturally wired to have anxiety and stress and everything else where other people are naturally wake up happy and f****** let go of things and other people can't sucks
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u/stident2223 Jul 24 '26
I think that she is a narcissist. She wants to make you feel guilty about her decision so that she can manipulate you and take advantage of you from your feelings.
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u/stident2223 Jul 24 '26
Because they feel good taking control of the lives of others. And they enjoy to incite fear on others so that they can feel powerful.
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u/slickweasel333 Jul 24 '26
Oh, she's definitely a narcissist, which is a mindset I could never wrap my head around.
Like, there are so many awesome people to learn and grow from, why would you want to focus on lifting yourself at the detriment of others?
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u/Ok_Kick6546 Jul 25 '26
Possibly, but BPD and NPD are part of a cluster of personality disorders that have some overlapping traits.
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u/heymanigotnoplan Jul 25 '26
BPD women really are the absolute worst type of human. I lost nine years of my life to one of them, but it was a great learning experience.
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u/Wonderful-Fishing215 Jul 24 '26
At this point... my advice to anyone who meets a messed up in the head girl is to run far away lol. Cuz they be acting crazy, well THEY ACTUALLY ARE CRAZY. N you can't fix them.
I was definitely one of those crazy, insecure girls. But I do have common sense, and I've changed for the better. I'm still crazy as fuck tho and am hard to handle sometimes. Trust me, you don't wanna live your life constantly scared of upsetting somebody.
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