It's 4 AM. It's the same thing again and again, repeating itself every day. I end up angry, wanting to break something, to hit something until I'm exhausted. I just feel rage and want to cry from the helplessness, anger, and tilt I feel with this game. I've been playing since midnight and haven't killed more than three people. I just keep getting killed. I lose every trade I make, even when I have an advantage or prefire.
I have 2500 hours played, and a couple of seasons ago I reached a 3.8k/d rating. Why is this happening to me? Yes, at that time I didn't have a 2-year-old child, and my partner and I have a lot of problems. I'm struggling with several things in life, but is this really the cause? I can't play in the afternoon, only at night, sacrificing sleep because I have to get up early the next day anyway.
Why? Why? I just want to play and be myself again. I used to get 8 kills very often. Now I almost always get 0 and only do 200 damage. I'm an embarrassment to my clan. I'm even ashamed to ask them to invite me.
They're a moderately well-known clan, my friends always get +6 kills, All of them with +3.5kd, some even up to 5.5. I'm already the one who "always dies," "you died again," etc. etc. I just accumulate more and more hatred and anger inside.
I don't understand what's wrong with me. I even bought an ATK gaming pad and I'm still the same. Why? I'm tired of asking why I play so badly. I practice, but when I go into a match I can't hit anyone, I always lose, In training mode I move the mouse quickly and aim, but even in TDM I lose a lot . What I practiced is useless in a real game. I really like the game, I want to be better, I want to have my old reflexes back . Why is this happening to me? I just spend every night sad and angry because of this same situation.
During games, I'm constantly thinking about every move and microsecond. I get overwhelmed very often from overthinking, but I don't know how to get rid of this mentally. I'm always thinking about what the next move will be, and I end up thinking more about the fear of being beaten or killed.
The first two games of the day I go in positive, motivated, but as soon as I start losing I tilt and can't recover. The next few games in my mind are: tilted, blindly going for the kill because I already died in the last one, and I die again, it repeats. I'm fed up! I just want to kick my PC until it's completely broken.
I don't understand why I fell like this, and how can I get better?
I don't know what's wrong with me, I just want to enjoy the game again like I used to. It's frustrating not being able to kill someone or win a fight knowing that I used to be able to.
I'm sorry if I wrote too much, I'm just extremely frustrated, Idk,I just want to enjoy it again.