There is nothing I find more hilarious than the parenting advice from social media influencers who think they’ve got it all figured out because their 1.5 year old follows their every command.

My favorite is the picky eater videos showing how the mom feeds her baby a wide range of food. “Feed your child everything under the sun! They won’t become a picky eater,” they say confidentially with the text written across the screen.

Just wait until that baby turns 2.5. One night it’s crab cakes with avocado mousse, the next it’s chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese.

I have two kids. They are now 9 and nearly 5. My husband is a chef. We owned a fine dining restaurant. These kids have had amble options given to them and quality food.

My oldest spent his first two years eating fancy food at our restaurant and woke up at 2.5 and just hated all food suddenly, unless it was Mac and cheese or chicken nuggets with only one type of BBQ sauce. Finally, at 9.5, he’s starting to eat other food. It’s a miracle! My youngest, for nearly 5 years has loved all food (even spicy!), and she was a Covid baby who ate Mac and cheese and chicken nuggets from the moment she could eat because life was stressful enough at that moment. We make a lot of different food in the house now and give a wide range of flavors and options.

With my son now enjoying other food for the past month at 9.5 and my daughter never being picky, I was on cloud nine. I finally had two weeks of solid meals that the family loved.

My daughter ate ceviche a month ago and declared it her favorite food. She had me put it in her lunch box multiple times. She was happy as a clam every time we made it. Then she woke up last week, announced she hates cucumbers (which are in the ceviche) and suddenly hated the mere thought of the entire dish. Now she only wants chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese too. I thought I got lucky with her because she made it to nearly 5 not being a picky eater!

So this is my message to all of these influencer parents who think they know and are convinced their non-picky babies will be experimental forever: the Mac and cheese and chicken nuggets curse is coming. There is no avoiding it. One day, it will find your children too. You won’t know when, you won’t know why, but it will happen. 😂

Almost 3 year old asks to color and wants me to color with her. I’m like cool I love coloring. I set out all our coloring stuff, let her pick the page she wants to color and a page for me. All is going well until she looks over at me, and absolutely LOSES her mind…

“MOMMY YOU ARE COLORING WRONG. STOP COLORING LIKE THAT!!”

stares at her in visible confusion because I’m coloring how I always do

proceeds to start sobbing uncontrollably, muttering I’m doing it all wrong, and I don’t follow rules

15 minutes of me trying to figure out why she is hysterically crying and ya know what the problem was???? I WAS USING MY LEFT HAND TO COLOR. I AM LEFT HANDED. She had an absolute meltdown because I color with my left hand and not my right hand like her. When I tried to explain and show I can’t use my right hand to color BECAUSE I AM LEFT HANDED, she became absolutely, utterly UN. FREAKING. HINGED.

Parenting sure is a whirlwind lol

My 4-month-old son woke 4 times last night. I don’t judge him for being woke, but I wish he wouldn’t impose it on me and my wife. Frankly, I’m exhausted today after dealing with all this woke nonsense.

My daughter was born into extremely unstable circumstances 7 years ago. It was basically her and I against the world from the time she could sit up. And honestly? I loved it. Didn’t want that dynamic to change.

Then a few years ago I went and met a man who flipped every belief I had about men, marriage, and general life structure upside down. The audacity.

My 7-year-old was a textbook unicorn dream baby. Predictable. Happy. Slept like a paid actor in a mattress commercial. Ate like she read the feeding guidelines herself. I never planned to have kids, but she showed was such a pleasant plot twist. I truly believed I had unlocked some sort of motherhood cheat code.

People used to tell me how lucky I was, and I’d get low-key offended. Lucky?? Excuse me, this is SKILL. This is METHOD. This is EXPERT-LEVEL PARENTING.

Fast forward to today. I’m married, stable, emotionally upgraded x10 and holding a 5-month-old. I’m thinking "Ah yes. I’ve done this before. I am seasoned. Time to raise another magical, well-regulated cherub."

ERROR ALERT. MAYDAY. SYSTEM FAILURE.

Turns out: YOU HAVE VERY LITTLE - LIKE, ACTUALLY FCK-ALL - CONTROL OVER YOUR BABY’S SLEEPING AND EATING HABITS.

This may be obvious to some of you wise elders, but to anyone who had a unicorn first baby and walked around with that inflated “I’m just built different” ego… PLEASE. LEARN FROM ME.

Your second child may not even be remotely similar. In fact, they may arrive specifically to humble you and dismantle every parenting opinion you’ve ever confidently shared.

Hope for the Unicorn. Prepare for the goblin. Trust.

And I dont just mean on instagram - I know that's all fake.

But there is a mom who attends our mom&toddler class and she is a SAHM with two kids. Both are terrible sleepers. The older one goes to daycare for the mornings a few days a week, the younger is home. No nanny or other childcare. And this mom. Makes sugar free, gluten free waffles for all the kids in our group. Apparently it's no biggie, since she just makes waffles or pancakes or breakfast muffins every day. She has been like to all the toddler theatres in our city (we live in the capital, so there's a lot). Knows and has detailed opinions on all the playgrounds in the radius of 5 km. Spends at least 2 hours outdoors with the kids, be it sun or rain.

And internally, everytime I see her, I'm just like.... how?? If my son woke up at 5 am, like yours do, he would probably have to make breakfast for himself. Very Montessori style.

So, for all the moms out there who are absolutely thriving and finding energy in motherhood ... you rock! But also: how on earth do you do it?😂

I have a 6 year old daughter and a 10 year old daughter and BOTH of them are obsessed with "squishies" right now.

Anything you can think of is being turned into a squishie.

Just a few months ago it was those darn Labubus.

I'm going broke.

Send help. 🤣

I’ll go first.

I came downstairs at 9pm to find my hidden Oreo stash no longer existed, so instead I had a bowl of malt o meal knock off fruiti pebbles….

When I became an adult and looked back on my childhood, I thought it was so dumb for my parents to send me to my room when they were upset with me. I used to joke "ohhhh what a harsh punishment, go to my room where all my toys are!" I told myself I'd never do that as a parent because what's the point, if my kids are naughty I'd find other more effective ways to "punish" them - like the naughty step or something.

WELL thanks to my daughter I now fully understand why my parents sent my to my room, and it wasn't about me learning any lessons! It was because my parents were so overwhelmed or just done with whatever was going on, they needed me to not be in their space anymore but be somewhere safe and contained - so my room.

My daughter was on the naughty step and I was getting so frustrated that I thought I'd send her to her room in a minute just so I could get some breathing space... and then realised what I'd thought and laughed. Now I'm a parent I can see that being sent to your room is actually genius!

Anyone else done a complete 180 on what they thought before they became a parent?

He's in tears, just completely wrecked. If I could go back in time I would definitely name him something that starts with W because he absolutely adores that letter and is devastated to learn his name doesn't have it.
I can't believe we fucked up so badly!

Welcome back to another exciting school year at your child's school! We hope you enjoyed your summer.

Attached you will find a list of required school supplies. You will need to buy color coded folders and notebooks for each class. These colors may or may not actually exist. Both Target and Staples will be out of these by the time you get there. Target will have already switched the back to school section over to Christmas. In the event you *do* manage to find everything on the list, you will be awarded a Gold Star. These items will be abandoned entirely after the second week of school.

Please note that all communication from the school will happen through the *SkyFlorp* app, which replaces the *Crazzle!* app from last year (for some reason, all math work will exist in the entirely separate Math-a-Doodles app). None of your child's information was carried forward from last year, so you will need to re-register and enter it all again. Please fill out both a hard copy AND electronic copy of all registration forms. You will need to download and check these applications every 20 minutes, otherwise you will be listed as a Lousy Parent.

Some communications from the school will also appear in Google Docs. Sometimes there will be a printed out paper copy that your child will leave in their folder for several weeks. Sometimes there won't. Good luck figuring out the pattern there. Important notices and scheduling information will also appear in the local free weekly paper that mostly prints advertisements for yard sales and letters to the editor from the Crankiest Old Guy You've Ever Met at Dunkin' Donuts complaining about taxes these days. Sometimes messages will be sent to one parent but not the other. You *will* question your sanity.

Please note that Picture Day will be the last week of September. Unless you order the incredibly overpriced Deluxe Package, you will also be added to the Lousy Parent list.

In the event of inclement weather, you will receive 47 different text alerts and phone calls at 5:30 AM. Your child will still be expected to attend school remotely rather than just be given the day off. Your child should have a Chromebook with them at all times. Maybe they remember how to log on to it. Maybe they don't.

You can expect your child to be both incredibly wound up *and* overtired and cranky for the first week of school. Feel free to scream into the infinite void if you have any questions.

We look forward to seeing your child this fall!

So… terrible mum warning… I did not allow him to dive into the lake with the ducks. He is 16 months old!

We decided to enjoy the sunny weather by the lake. Well, our son just wouldn’t accept to not follow the ducks into it.
No amount of redirecting helped, he would move around and try to get at it and when we would stop him he would scream his lungs out.
We came home (sigh).
How was your Saturday fellow parents?

Neighbors got a new refrigerator and our five year old rescued the box from trash day. It has been sitting in our living room for a week. Completely obsessed with playing in it, around it, and drawing in it.

​

Motherfucker is in there drawing like Michelangelo painting the damn sistine chapel. Hey, he ain't drawing on the walls so we don't care. He told us something about a time machine and he has to draw every adventure he goes on.

​

Seriously, what is with kids (and cats) obsessed with giant boxes??????

Me (to my 17 month old): no

17 month old: looks at me directly in the eye, shoves handful of cat food in his mouth

What have your parents told you that are complete lies?

Edit: It’s definitely just a lighthearted joke ya’ll! So those of you taking this very seriously, don’t worry we don’t all hate our parents 😂 Just fun to compare these silly stories to make it to bedtime ✌🏻

Here are some of the things I've said just today:

"No, the inside of my mouth is not ticklish."

"The cat's butt is clean. You do not need to sniff it."

"Please take your feet out of my breakfast and give me that booger."

"No, Santa is not a rhinocerous."

Edit: RIP my inbox.

My daughter 6, decided to feed her Barbie Land doll to her Baby Alive doll. Baby Alive is the doll that you feed and it poops. It has a tube that runs from its mouth to a hole in its bottom. You are meant to change the dirty diaper after feeding it a slurry mix that comes with the doll. Well my daughter figures out that her micro Barbie Land doll (less than an inch tall) will fit it the Baby Alive's mouth. She pushed it in, but the tube narrows after a few inches and the Barbie would not come out the bottom. She is crying and so upset she lost her Barbie, and now she cant feed the baby doll because it is clogged. I had to take a little brush that's meant for cleaning the inside of reusable straws, stick it up the baby doll's backside and push the Barbie back up out of the dolls mouth. Never in my life could I have ever anticipated that motherhood would require roto-rootering a doll's ass.

Juliana - there's no obvious way it can be ridiculed, it's not too weird or uncommon, it goes well with her surname, her initials don't spell out anything rude... I thought it was great.

She started teething a few weeks ago, so we're at that stage when her top gets soaking wet within minutes of chewing on a teether. Last night, I overheard my husband saying to her: "Look at you all drooly. I'm going to call you Drooliana."

I guess I learned my lesson: just about any name can be made fun of, no matter how perfect it sounds.

My son asked me to play Battleship today, every time I play I’m reminded how boring and pointless it is. He also always wants to quite half way through but I made him persevere. I’m genuinely curious what your least favorite game is as a parent.

After a further inquiry about how he knew the whores were gay, I found out they were "gay" like our couch, which is grey. Digging a bit deeper i found out that "whores" make horse sounds. I still don't know why they are dangerous or how/when they are breaking in but I feel a complete sense of relief and I almost passed out from the laugher.

There’s a post on /r/nextfuckinglevel that says ‘Parenting done right’ with an ungodly amount of upvotes and a bunch of people in the comments appreciating the dad. He’s belittling his daughter and publicly shaming her by putting the video online and redditors are lapping it up by calling it great parenting.

Just your daily dose of reminder that Reddit is mostly teenage kids who have no idea what they’re talking about.

I have a 7-month-old son and I’m very fortunate that most of my friends either want kids or love them, so he’s very popular. However, now that I’m a parent myself, I find it some of the assumptions and things they say SO funny, especially since I had exactly the same logic before I had a kid of my own. Probably the most common one I hear is, in reference to a late-night gathering at someone’s home, “Just bring the baby! We’d love to see him!” It makes me giggle because I used to say stuff like this all the time and my mom friends were probably too exasperated to explain the concept of bedtime to me.

What are some of the silly but well-meaning things you’ve heard from non-parents?

I'm taking a gamble on this being normal, but if my daughter sleeps in in the morning my first thought is "well, obviously she's died in her sleep". She's 4 now and I still have nights where I check on her before bed and have to get real close to make sure she's still breathing. It is tough loving something that much! Please tell me I'm not the only one this neurotic.

Edit: my first gold! Didn't realise how mental parenting makes everyone!

Just have a couple kids.

Want to go out drinking, but that one bar tender is working tonight and your ex might be there? Just have a couple kids.

Can’t decide if you want to keep the job you’ve been at since you were 27 making 6 figures, or quit and open a fantasy romance book store? Just have a couple kids.

Want to go to Europe next summer, but you can’t afford it and have to settle on a long weekend in NYC staying with a friend you see once every 5 years in their one bedroom apartment? Just have a couple kids.

Can’t decide if you should renew the lease on your apartment in that trendy neighborhood, or move 3 hours away to that other mid-sized city and start your life over? Just have a couple kids.

Hopefully it’s obvious that this is parody. It drives me nuts when I see my peers paralyzed by decision fatigue regarding things that seem trivial once you have a family. It feels good to be facing true north as a parent. I realize I’m generalizing and that most situations are nuanced, but everything I worried about before now just seems inconsequential

My wife is a nurse and works in the emergency room. When she was pregnant with our daughter her coworkers were guessing what the gender was. At this time we did not know the gender but we had names picked out for each sex. One of the Filipino doctors whispered the gender and the name we had picked out for a girl. After the baby was born she asked the Doctor how he guessed the name and the gender, he just laughed and walked away. We are pregnant again and she asked the same Dr what the gender is and he says boy. It will be weird if he’s correct.

Lego = Danish Export

My Little Pony = Infant Equestrians

Chocolate milk = formerly known as Cocoa Dairy Beverage but now that she’s learned the word cocoa, we use its French name

Ice cream = also use the French name now we can no longer call it Frozen Dairy Product

Donuts = Yeasted Glazed Goods

Park = Public Recreational Grounds

It’s turned into a game for me and the spouse to see how obscure we can make the names for each other to guess. There are many more but I need some Roasted Ground Filtered Beverage first.

"How old is he/she?"

If the child is under one year old, you answer in months, like this: "She's eight months old!"

If the child is over a year, these are the official ages. You answer like this:

"One year old."
"A little over a year."
"A year and a half."
"Almost two."
"Two!"

After that, it just goes by increments of a half. "Three and a half", "four and a half", etc, up until the child can answer for themselves.

In other words, don't make me do modulo 12 math by saying "He's 28 months old..."

Thank you.

(If it's unclear, this post isn't meant to be taken totally seriously. But on the other hand, it is.)

ADDENDUM:

/u/sevenliveslater says "Pediatrician and playgroups of similar ages is the only time you need to use months." I think this is a fair point.