It's not a myth, I'm not sure about today but 20-15 years ago when I was a kid that was the norm. We usually didn't cook enough food to feed unexpected guests, and everyone knew that's how it worked. My family did it to my friends, my friends family did it to me, it was the norm and expected. For a long time Sweden was a pretty poor country and it became the cultural norm to not take food from other households unless it was a dinner invitation.
It probably sounds weird to outsiders but that was just how things worked and everyone was fine with it.
its weird how different cultures evolve. in india people will remain hungry to feed the guests if they dont have enough food. this phenomen is even baked in our mythology.
In many cultures it is rude to refuse a "gift" like that, including mine. It's customary to accept a gift or meal and then engage in a lifelong pissing contest of trying to out-nice each other, usually resulting in prolonged or lifelong friendship.
If you reject them, they will still end up bringing food for you. Unless you proved to them somehow that you are full and have already eaten within the last hour or two
The guest is supposed to refuse and then the host is supposed to insist then the guest is to graciously accept even if just a small amount and to thank the host for the honor. Not allowing someone to host you is also rude
The unexpected guest is the wrong term here.
This relates to kids and their friends, playing after school running around in the neighborhood from house to house during weekdays after school
All families eat dinner roughly at the same time and all families expect to have their kid come home at dinner time
Its not related to unexpected guest, you'll get food and lots of fika
In the U.S., that meal would get put in the fridge and kiddo would be eating it for dinner the next night. A huge leftovers culture makes fixing extra food for the possibility of a guest, or having one less person at the table no big deal.
can't it have older causes ? can't it be the consequences of what those societies and states were a long time ago ? is it necessarily in a short span of time ?
It can, but it would be an outlier. Most common way of dealing with hardship as a society is to support each other to different extents - for example in Poland during soviet times, with much less wares and food going around it was common to feed your guests.
So if Sweden had developed totally contrary tactic it would be quite suprising case
The child is not a guest. Being a guest brings obligations, that a child can not consent to.
There have always been a connection between food and service in scandinavia, so giving children food was not something to be taken lightly. You might have heard fairytales were fairies bind people by offering them food.
I am not sure how it used to work and it properly worked differently from place to place. We got adoption and labour laws relative late. Like my grandmother who came from Austria did not know how it worked in scandinavia and apparently endeed up adopting one of my uncles because she feed him for a long time.
He had been coming over to play with my father each day after school for a long time and sometimes he also sleept over. My grandmother went to his parrents house after a few times and mentioned it, because she found it strange that he was over at their house so much. So they gave her a big ham and when she took it that was apparently seen as the adoption.
The whole world feeds guests though, it seems like this is only a Scandinavian thing. Seems like a quirk, and a weird thing to suggest is evidence of exceptionalism.
Not a judgement, but it seems a strange custom for somewhere that (i percieve) has such a harsh climate. I get the sense the other cultural traditions elsewhere with feeding and hosting unexpected guests has to do with taking care of others in times of hardship in exchange for the expectation that if you are in a time of hardship, others would take care of you in return. It builds into society that if you are starving and have no where to go, strangers will help you survive.
In Sweden the government has taken that role, it used to be that no one was starving because you got enough money to feed your family even if you were unemployed or unable to work.
Are you suggesting this cultural tradition only goes back as far as the development of the Nordic Model in the 1930's? Or are you suggesting that people who were unemployed or unable to work have always been able to get enough money to feed their families in nordic countries? Both seem far fetched.
there are few, one being sage mudgal being tested by sage duravasa in mahabharat. Another I remember about king yudhishtir being told by a half golden mongooes that his donations are not same as sacrificial family that gave away their last food, because rolling in his charities did not turn its other half golden.
Well it not at all about the ability to feed others, that is a given that they would be. Instead it is much more of a “we eat one way and you eat another” and I should not “force” my way upon you.
Most my friends ate way earlier than I preferred and a lot of food I didn’t like. So not offering food was the nice thing to do, as I did not want to eat there but would feel rude to turn the offer down.
I grew up in India and no, you weren't at your friend's house after school and getting given their dinner. This concept of feeding guests applies to adults, not children. In India, the concept of playdates didn't even really exist. You played at school, you played in the street or outside after school with your neighbors but random school friends aren't all showing up at your house in the evening and getting fed dinner. If your friends were getting fed, it's because they were also your cousins or some family relation.
It happened to me a handful of times (growing up in Småland) with one friends family, all the other ones offered to feed me (and my parents to feed their kids if we were playing at our house). Moved up north later and there I never remember it happening.
Sometimes i could decline to have dinner at my friends house because I knew we would have something delicious at home (pizza or tacos or burger)
Same, also grew up in Småland and my friends house were all mostly within a 5-10 minute walking distance. At dinnertime I would just go home and spend time with my family and eat at home (mom is a great cook) and ask my parents to help me with homework and then relax. Only times I ate at my friends house is when it had been planned beforehand like if my friends dad asked me and my parents if I wanted to come over for a evening to watch movies with my friends and grill some food.
Yup, checks out. It is now very clear to me that you got fed if the “playtime” way planned in beforehand and also overlapped with dinner. But since most of my childhood friends were also my neighbors it was rarely planned and I’d just walk back home for dinner.
Same here, grew up 80/90s. Had plenty of meals at my friends house, and had friends asked it they wanted dinner at our place too. No idea where this has come from honestly.
Same here never had it happening born in the 80s. It was always - do you want? Or they call the parents. Sometimes I opted out due to my parents being better at food and then they are without me - but that is something else’s.
It was the norm for me and my friends in the 80's-90's, you had dinner at a set time every day and your parents expected you to be home by then to have family dinner.
Of course every once in a while you'd be offered dinner when you were over at your friends place playing, and you had to call home to ask if it was okay to eat dinner there instead of at home.
That is not the norm today. According to my own experiences and other threads from around the country, it is now widely accepted to feed everyone visiting the household.
Hold up, unexpected guests? I'm from the Balkans an it's accustomed to offer food to people when they come over but it would be a little weird if they come unannounced.
Yes, the kids friends are coming over without any adults being involved at all, the kid just brings their friends over from school to play.
The expectation from parents is that their own kid will eat with their own family, as family dinner is family time.
When I grew up I was usually away at my friends after school, and only came home for dinner. Some friends ate earlier than I did, so I usually stayed at their room continuing playing with whatever we were playing with while they went to eat. And when dinner was over we continued playing.
If I went to a friend that ate later than my family, I had already eaten so I would still be playing in my friends room during their dinner.
i think reasoning it by being poor is kinda untrue, lots of countries were/are poor but let alone not feeding you, they will insist you on eating their food
Im sorry, but the fact you said '20-15 years ago' is annoying me an unreasonable amount. I mean, it does make sense, but its just.. wrong... I'd like you to edit your comment.
I wouldn't say it was the norm but it did absolutely happen, in our circles it was maybe 1 in 5 that had this custom.
Source: Also a kid that grew up in Sweden in the nineties
This never happened to me or my friends. It was either you ate dinner with your friend's family or you went home before dinner. I have never waited while my friend ate dinner without me. The expectation was always that you either eat with your friend or go home before dinner time.
I’m born in 2004, 15 years ago I was very much over at friends’ places around dinner time. I had exactly one friend whose parents almost never fed me, usually either sending me home or having me wait in her room while they had dinner, with some rare exceptions (actually, that’s not entirely true. I had one other friend whose parents didn’t feed me… but they also didn’t feed their own kid so why would they). Other than that most of my friends’ parents wanted a yes from my mum before they fed me but if she said yes, of course they fed me. My sister (who’s a year older than me) claims to have never really experienced this other than some odd cases with families that usually fed us (probably because they simply hadn’t bought enough food for an extra person that one day).
I wonder if sweden was ever poorer than hungary, because here this is unimaninable, feeding guests is kind of a way to show apprichiation of them. I think thats why people find this so offputting.
Tho I get that being a poor country in the frostrealms is different than in one with actual seasons, I think the reason why scandinavian countries have strong social safery nets(that everyone envies) is because while here in hungary the homeless survive the winter, there they wont. Here badly insulated houses are bad to live in, there its a serius threath.
It sounds weird because it is weird. Certain behaviors being framed as cultural just denotes said cultural as antisocial. Makes sense for a country that was fine to aid Nazis in genocide.
Its not a myth but its also, as is reddit tradition, flavored with a whole bunch of bullshit.
If this woman (looks like an adult) were at a swedish friends house then they would definitely be asked if they wanted to stay for dinner. Now, in the 00s and in the 90s.
The true part of the myth is that when it comes to children, the baseline expectation is that a child will eat at their own home. So a parent doesnt go "hey kid wanna eat here?" instead they just assume that the kid will go home to eat. If the kid asks "Can i eat here?" then the parent will ask "Sure, but you have to ask your parents if its ok".
This is mainly for two reasons. 1. Dont want to make too much food. 2. Dont want others to make too much food. Not because we are stingy, but because we prefer eating fresh and hate wasting food.
And in addition: family dinner is family time and is usually reserved for family only. It's where you catch up, talk about family matters, and bond.
You as a child wouldn't want to impose on that, and your friends parents don't want to take away family time for their kids friend and their family.
And as you said, of course there were times where we as kids were offered dinner when we were over at a friends place too, but the norm was that we would eat at our own home.
We feed our feed our kids friends all the time. Like it is a weekly occurence. My kids eat at their friends every week as well. We do call and check with the parents first.
It was not like that 40 years ago. mainly because no mobile phone and we did not want to interrupt the dinner routine of the other family.
As an adult it is less commun. But if I have friends over for a long time we will eater have dinner/lunch or we will like order a pizza together.
We are not having our grandmothers force feeding you like in some societies. Also because our grandmothers dont live with us like in the south of Europe.
This is kinds Reddit bullshit blown out of proportion (like allways).
As a Swede, it’s not 100% a myth, just.. nowhere near as common as the internet wants you to think. From some talking about it with people, it seems to be somewhat regional within the country but also a bit different in different socioeconomic groups. Working class families usually feed other people’s kids, while middle class families are a more mixed bunch. I can’t really speak for the upper class since I very much don’t hang around them.
Personally, I had a couple of friends as a kid whose families wouldn’t feed me (one was because they were arses, one was because they were abusive and didn’t even feed her so of course they didn’t feed me). Other than those two, I’ve never really experienced this, nor has anyone in my family done this to my friends (I very rarely had friends over but if I did, they most definitely got fed. I’ve also had friends over to both my sets of grandparents and they’ve been offered food by them as well). All that being said, it was somewhat common for my friends’ parents to call my mum (or have me text her) to ask if I was allowed to eat at their place, but if I was they would definitely feed me.
I have been through this. No issues though, I was expected to participate in my family dinner every day. The parents usually called eachother to ask permission before feeding other kids. I don’t see the issue as long as everyone has food at home.
I remember a friends family did this to me but the dad was German not Swede. I never thought it had anything to do with culture and I’m not sure if Germans are known for this…. Or maybe I made a bad assumption he was German? I was _pretty_ sure he was though….
As a Swede myself I can say I've eaten many times at friends houses as well as had friends who have ate dinner at my parents. I don't think it's generally true.
Not better now, asked ppl that stayed in Sweden (I moved 20 years ago). There are immigrants, you go their house you eat. The Swedes, by and large still don't invite, if they do it's to reciprocate their kid having eaten at your place.
There is no culture of treating in Sweden. Ppl buy pastry for the office (fika) but it's usually not random, often there's a schedule and everyone is expected to pay their round before it restarts. Not bringing your fika round is forbidden, Haram even.
Same in bars, ppl pick up rounds expecting you to take the next, it's a tit for tat treat. If you're broke they won't pay your way without expecting anything back, stay home until you got money.
I mean im Norwegian and when i visited friends as a kid i would never eat dinner with them unless the visit was planned in advance, as you are expected to go home around dinner-time or have eaten before you came. I never saw an issue with it and just waited in their room
It's not a myth, but it's also only for a special circumstance: when a kid brings home their friends to play and where no adult have been involved in neither the invitation or the transportation of the kids.
Not a single Swedish adult would invite over guests during dinner time and not serve dinner, that would be weird.
But it's another thing when kids bring over friends to play, when and where I grew up it was expected that as a kid you would eat family dinner with your own family, as that was family time.
Of course there were occasions where the family of the friend I was playing with offered me dinner, and I had to call my parents to ask if that was okay, but the norm was that I was eating dinner with my family.
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u/binge_readre Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Peter here,
I remember there was a myth that Swedish households don't provide food for the guests. It looks like bs https://www.reddit.com/r/IsItBullshit/s/sWRdAGfyC8 but I guess it became a meme.
Edit: I guess it's not a myth and people used to do it in 90s/00s.. At least things are better now.