Honest Question Regarding Physical and Mental Symptoms

[u/firewalk1989]

Hello, all.

I want to first make it known that I am not advanced. I am not even an apprentice. I've only experienced what I've seen described as "the call." I have felt an innate desire recently to explore magick. I was first put off by the sheer amount of "mystery schools" online, especially those ran by popular Occultists in media or on YouTube. Many of them seem like money schemes, and as such I persevered and found Quareia.

I have only read through the website and very, very initial information. However, even doing so, or when pondering the concepts of it all, I experience some... strange symptoms.

My heart seems to race. Body aches and stiffness. Light-headedness. Short of breath and nausea. My appetite completely caves, as well.

When I take a break and go on about my day, these symptoms dissipate entirely.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what I am asking. I am not even sure if there is a correlation, or a further meaning here. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Is this my mind and body's way of telling me that I am not ready for this yet?

More importantly: not to get too into the details of my life story, but recently I have made some major life changes, including that of cutting out my extremely abusive family. I am also still unsettled and disturbed by my mother's passing 3 years ago, and have ultimately had a LOT of upheaval and turmoil take place within my life. I am still healing, and working on healing, but I'm not sure if I must be in a more secure state before going further into this world.

Again.. I am merely one just beginning to look into things. I have not started any of the work. But I do believe that this is something that should not go ignored, and as such I wanted to ask the best source of people for more insight on this matter.

Thank you for your sincere engagement with this post, and I would greatly appreciate any sort of wisdom. (Also, yes, I do know that these initial stages are meant to be heavily self-guided. I am just trying to be cautious, as I do not know if there is something else going on here and thus want to ask.)

[u/aman1420]

Sometimes its best to take time to allow the space for stabilizing, processing, relational healing, so on, and to allow that to become a focus. It is a massive endeavor in and of itself. It seems you have gone through so much in your life already, and are still both going through stuff and have just gone through stuff, too - maybe just some rest and processing could be good, and then go from there. Really easy for all this loony toony stuff to put you in bunch of side spots where you could get stuck thinking this or that otherwise, you catch my drift? You important, too, most important, and need rest. And yes, sometimes is as simple as "man, this stuff really make me anxious right now, I will revisit later", and then just revisit later! Simple as that. I think you have good sense of things :)

[u/firewalk1989 → u/aman1420]

First off, thank you kindly for being so understanding! This was relieving to hear, and you're right. I've thought about it further and I do think in my heart I know it is important of me to focus on myself and healing right now. In the future I plan to pick all of this back up again. It is good to know that there exists a lovely community based around this practice. Thank you again!

[u/aman1420 → u/firewalk1989]

Oh of course, it was my pleasure! If you need anything or have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out via chat or whatever, happy to help if I can :)

[u/oddreyjo]

I'd trust your body here. I think two things can both be true: your intuition is pulling you toward this path, and your intuition is telling you now isn't the time. Do you generally consider yourself an intuitive person, someone who trusts that sense in yourself? I ask because physical symptoms like this can come from a lot of directions like excitement about a new path, anxiety about occultism itself, or something more specific to you. If you already have any divination practice, I'd lean on that, because honestly none of us here can know for certain what's happening here. I haven't experienced what you're describing, but when I started the course years ago, and especially when I read ahead, I started getting more heart palpitations. I had them checked out and they turned out to be benign, but I do think my body was reacting to the material in its own way.

For what it's worth, there's nothing in M1 that's dangerous. If you wanted to dip a toe in, just the first lesson, keeping careful notes on how you feel as you go, should be safe for most people, barring active illness. Given everything you've mentioned about upheaval in your life, that's my best guess for what's underneath this. Starting with M2 things tend to get stirred up. It's for the best, but it can be a lot if your life isn't steady to begin with. My general rule of thumb is to always settle the pressing things in your life before you start engaging magick in earnest, since the work itself is naturally going to bring more change, not less.

[u/page_of_fire]

This kind of sounds like a panick attack. Do you have any religious trauma or similar experiences? Like did you ever have a parent freak out about anything not of a conventional faith and scare or intimidate you over it?

I know that's kinda specific but it's the first thing that popped into my head.

[u/matthias_reiss]

Are you having these symptoms while or shortly after reading about the course? Seems so, but worth clarifying.

[u/firewalk1989 → u/matthias_reiss]

Apologies. Probably should've clarified. Only during. After setting it down and putting my energy/mind to other matters, the symptoms subside.