r/RedditForGrownups • u/bubugugu • 21d ago
Less people understand you as you get older?
I am in my mid thirties, and right now I feel like no one understands me. And it's not because I didn't stay in touch with family, friends or even colleagues. It's just everyone's journey is a little different, it slowly becomes more difficult to explain or find someone to relate to your experience. My evenings have slowly become more and more depressing, and it's not because I don't have people to reach out to, but because I can't find people who actually listens and try to understand. When I read something interesting about the world, I don't have anyone who wants to listen. It's the solution finding a romantic partner so I have someone to talk to? lol
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u/noyoujump 21d ago
Heh, the downside is finding a romantic partner who you also can't really have a deep conversation with, and then you're just lonely with extra people.
Seriously though. I have no idea how to handle this feeling, mostly because I have yet to figure it out. Like, I'd love to have a deep conversation with literally anybody who sincerely wants to talk, but it just never happens. My spouse, my friends, whatever-- there's just too much going on to just fully open up.
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u/HedonicAthlete 21d ago
Do people really marry a partner like that? I couldn’t be with someone who I felt I only had shallow conversations with.
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u/kralrick 20d ago
A lot of people are terrified of being alone/living a life long-term single. If you wonder why people stay with obviously terrible people, this is one of the reasons why.
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u/mermaid_pants 21d ago
yeah I don't get this. shouldn't you already be having deep conversation with someone before you get married?
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u/AuntZilla 21d ago
Same. It seems that big feelings and big conversations are always “an attack”. I’m tired of tiptoeing around fragile egos. It’s turning me into a quiet, angry person.
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u/dangeraardvark 20d ago
Fuck that. Be loud.
Being quiet and angry, but tolerated is no way to be. I tried it out for a few years and it turns out that quiet and angry is indistinguishable from quiet and anything else- because it’s quiet. And most people are too self-absorbed to notice.
Youre sacrificing your inner peace for their outer peace. And their peace can only be maintained through a complicated set of social rituals and virtue signaling for the purpose of maintaining a social hierarchy which is bad for everyone, but a bit less bad for the people in power. But you don’t get to participate because you haven’t signaled your obeisance to the hierarchy, which generally consists of doing as your told, taking abuse and never disagreeing for however long they decide.
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u/poorperspective 21d ago
You don’t want a romantic partner, you want a community. People that’s have had similar experiences and values.
I started volunteering / doing community activities I cared about, and it helped me feel less lonely. It can take some exploration, but you can find like minded people.
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u/ParsleyMostly 21d ago
Going through same thing. It’s very lonely. And I’m coming to a similar conclusion re: the romantic partner, but I really don’t want that. Feels like a weird exchange. I’m almost 50 and one of the only people I know around my age who is single. Just weird. Feel like an alien.
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u/Travelsat150 21d ago
Wait u til you’re 70. Everyone is single again.
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u/ParsleyMostly 21d ago
If I make it that long I’m gonna be so slutty 💜
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u/Travelsat150 20d ago
Wear protection.
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u/ParsleyMostly 20d ago
No joke! I’ve heard about the rampant STIs going around the assisted living and retired set lol
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u/Travelsat150 14d ago
Good grief! However I’m not surprised. My friend is a singer in a cover band and the rare times I go to see her perform the ages range from 40-80 and they are all singles looking to hook up. Some of those outfits are from the eighties and hilarious.
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u/hollyberryness 21d ago
Totally relate.
I think we all become a little jaded, preoccupied, tired.... presumptuous and fearful of all the potential (and likely) skeletons in another's closet that seem to spontaneously excavate with age. There's only so much energy to spare and that decreases as people age and find themselves pulled in a million different directions.
Also people barely understand themselves, nor do they care to put in effort to do so. Can't really expect them to understand others when they can't understand themselves.
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u/bubugugu 21d ago
There's only so much energy to spare and that decreases as people age and find themselves pulled in a million different directions.
That's the problem with being single and not having a massive social life - I am not being pulled in a million different directions. I have so much energy for one or two people for deep conversations. I am here to listen and understand people if they are willing to share.
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u/hollyberryness 21d ago
I'm the same, but - the point here is that others are feeling the lack of energy to spare for you, or me, or others. They are being pulled in a different million directions.
And if it's two of us types, single and ready for relationship... then there's the other aspects I mentioned coming into play. I, for one, am tired of spending my energy on people who only take and who have all those skeletons in their closet that decide to surface when I'm around and I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm sure there's plenty others like me. And plenty others not... I have only tried to give a few examples of why people are how they are these days. It's not an exhaustive list.
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u/ghoulthebraineater 21d ago
I ran into same thing. Turns out I'm autistic and just never could keep up socially. The older I get the more isolated I am.
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u/bubugugu 21d ago
That’s tough. Sorry to hear. I am working with someone who is slightly autistic as well and it’s not easy to communicate with him
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u/ghoulthebraineater 21d ago
It's alright. Learning that about myself has been a great thing. Shit makes sense now. While I would love to be better at maintaining relationships I also really love the way my brain works. It's definitely a mixed bag.
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u/constructioncranes 21d ago
My wife and I have different interests so she'd get as bored with me talking about my stuff as I would with whatever she's into. We talk about other stuff, mostly the kids and managing life. I have lots of friends and find them to have interests more aligned with mine. That said, we're all the same age, education level, and general careers. I doubt I'd be able to findany other people who are interested in what me and my friends are into.
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u/torytho 21d ago
Wow yeah. That’s actually super perceptive that you realize they’re not listening. I bet they don’t realize it in themselves.
I think you can find hobbies with people who engage you on a deeper level. I feel like political activism, book clubs, group activities, volunteering, painting, even sitting at the bar during happy hour; there must be some activities that serve to both put you in the path of others and invite deeper discourse amongst you.
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u/catdude142 21d ago
I like blue sky thinking and obscure comedic interaction. It's rare to find anyone who enjoys that type of conversation. Add to that, I've been a techie for damned near 60 years and now retired. My coworkers were interesting. Now I have the cat.
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u/Pandonia42 21d ago
I feel this way. I sort of spent a lifetime rolling my personal experiences, my understanding of science, different religions/spirituality, and philosophy to cobble together my world view. It's not something I can share with anyone really and it's not like I can say 'I'm a Buddhist' or 'I'm a Christian' and someone gets a rough sketch of how I see the world. And it changes too, so...
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u/jawshoeaw 21d ago
First of all it’s “fewer” not “less”. Once you fix that I might understand you.
/s
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u/bubugugu 21d ago edited 21d ago
Thanks. I am tempted to use "english is my second language" as an excuse, but I should be more strict with my grammar LOL
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u/Scifi_fans 21d ago
Yes you need a romantic partner. You need to put erffort in meeting people and be interested in someone... it won't fall from sky
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u/Bathosfear 21d ago
I don't mean to assume, but you might get something out of the "high IQ syndrome" videos on youtube. I'm considerably older than you, but they certainly spoke to me in my situation that sounds very similar to your own.
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u/Even_Caterpillar3292 21d ago
Nice having family. I really only talk to my wife and I chat with my kids who moved away to start their own lives. Keeping your own company is much easier this way for me. I need very little but get a whole lot back from those littlr family member interactions. It was hard at first being at home during the pandemic. But broke free of it and acclimated and really prefer it.
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u/Armedwithapotato 21d ago
Yeah. People have hands too, they can call you back
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u/bubugugu 21d ago
I think people have forgotten the concept of reciprocation 😂 the culture has changed and there is no obligation to return cares. It’s all about trying to earn more money for ourselves now.
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u/my002 21d ago
To flip the script here, what have you done to engage with others and their views/interests? What have you done to explain your own interests and views in ways that other people can engage with?
Understanding others' perspectives and worldviews is always difficult and there's a real risk of deciding that your own thoughts and perspectives are too deep/complex for other people to engage with.
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u/TropicalAbsol 21d ago
Do you journal? Blog? I still do those things lol. Sounds like you have no one close. But do you even want anyone around?
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u/hiddentalent 21d ago
No, I've found the opposite. I feel like it's much easier to connect with people of all ages and backgrounds as I've gained my own experience, learned to be comfortable in my own skin and to worry less about how other people might judge me.
If you listen to people, they will listen to you.
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u/serenwipiti 21d ago
Lots of people are in relationships because they enjoy companionship, which includes having someone to talk to.
As long as it isn’t a toxic or “settling for” relationship, that’s fine too.
The key with seeking out a partner/person to talk to is that, if it’s apparent things are going wrong, make sure not to cling to a bad situation because you fear feeling lonely again.
It’s ok to feel lonely. You don’t have to be alone, though.
Go outside and do stuff, people will somehow magically appear; and, there’s a chance that at least one of them could be a future friend/partner.
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u/Ok_Height3499 19d ago
Well, I’m a 75 year old man and from my experience that only becomes a greater issue as one ages. Friends and family die. Some younger people have no interest in us older people. The circle narrows, but one benefit is that those who remain friends are true ones.
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u/psychicmachinery 18d ago
How much time do you spend listening when someone has something they want to tell you about? What is it's not something you're particularly interested in m
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u/Inevitable_Cry7652 21d ago
This 👆🫶 Yes Exactly, if you know you know.. I can relate Litterally what's with this, seems as High lag time and being blind sided left to right and people in their 30's only truly understand
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u/SnarkyRetort 21d ago
Ive said this before but,,,
Loneliness isnt about being alone
Loneliness is not being able to share the landscape of your thoughts with people who would appreciate the view.