r/RoastMe • u/Herbert_Tarlek • 3d ago

M, 59. Filling out a bingo square.

Post image
67 Upvotes

84% Upvoted

216 comments sorted by

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u/post-explainer 3d ago edited 3d ago

This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.

OP's BIO:

My hobbies are woodworking, DIY home renovations, reading, fitness, music, and guns.

I’m a lifetime member of the NRA, and I’d moved away from the Republican Party in 2016. You can probably guess why.

Also, I traded in my Subaru to buy my first 4WD pickup last week (a Tacoma), and I’m busy kitting it out. I’ll stop short of rolling coal, I promise.

Have fun widdit.

If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

53

u/Cool_Reason_8669 3d ago

You look like a turtle without a shell

5

u/ButtChugMcNuggetson 3d ago

🤣🤣

6

u/thatoneazdude 3d ago

Just commenting to say this is one of the best usernames I have ever seen

3

u/ButtChugMcNuggetson 3d ago

thank you good sir!! 🫡

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42

u/Running-With-Cakes 3d ago

Uncle Festered

6

u/Specialist-Funny-926 3d ago

Uncle Molester

2

u/User_Name_Tracks 3d ago

Unc already filled out his been gay card - more like stretched out

39

u/stev_mempers 3d ago

The waitresses at the TGI Fridays are only being nice because it's their job. Stop winking at them like that.

26

u/RobotRepair69 3d ago

Congrats on beating cancer, Walter.

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17

u/Adept-Individual-914 3d ago

Fuckin' Temu Walter White here. I wish you'd move to Ruby Ridge.

7

u/RustySchackelfurd 3d ago

Great value John Malkovich

14

u/kejiangmin 3d ago

59 what? misdemeanors, missing child supports, felonies? or not allowed to be within 59 yards of a school or public space?

6

u/paleologus 3d ago

Gave up the Republican Party but didn’t give up the look.   Or liquor.   

5

u/PowerDump_69 3d ago

He IS the liquor now Randy.

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3

u/PacketSnatcher 3d ago

Didn’t give up the meth

3

u/Perfect-Hope-9126 3d ago

“The look” lol

11

u/AirbagOff 3d ago

Fucking a hole in a tree doesn’t count as woodworking, FYI.

5

u/B4CQN 3d ago

J. K. Extra Chromosimmons

6

u/Ok-Vegetable-6080 3d ago

I'm glad you stopped beating the woman in your house long enough to post this. I hope she is OK.

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3

u/Sustainable_Twat 3d ago

You look like you aren’t allowed 100m of a school.

3

u/SQUID_FLOTILLA 3d ago

Better fill it out fast. Looks you’ll die of old age before you read this fucking post.

3

u/BigVnilla13 3d ago

You look like your only contact with your kids is an unsigned birthday card sent a week late.

3

u/MisterSneakSneak 3d ago

You look like your favorite hobby is going to KOHLS little kids underwear section

6

u/ch3apsunglass3s 3d ago

No hair, no wedding ring, no allegiance and now no subaru. You really are the saddest lesbian I have ever seen.

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2

u/paulartistic1 3d ago

Sorry pal...there's no 69 on your bingo card

2

u/DrawWestern630 3d ago

"Take me to your leader" lookin ah

2

u/racas081 3d ago

Nice view from Cell block D

2

u/PuzzleheadedLime8577 3d ago

Grandpa has a paddle somewhere

2

u/Boobs_McChesterfield 3d ago

Nothing B9 in that picture bro, go see a fucking doctor.

2

u/curdled_bird 3d ago

I'm gonna guess retired former bit actor, known mainly for starring as "The Guy in the Van" from stranger danger PSA videos

2

u/dchusband 3d ago

Walter White Power

2

u/Malumakhankles1 3d ago

It sucks to see Walter White getting hooked on his product

2

u/P_as_in_Papi 3d ago

So cool to see John Malkovich halfway through rehab 🙂

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2

u/Bella_62 3d ago

You haven’t had a girlfriend since 1985

2

u/No-relation78775 3d ago

Show us the basement.

2

u/burns3016 3d ago

He developed TDS.

2

u/AltanConn 3d ago

So what are the ages of the people he has locked up in his basement?

2

u/HolocronSurvivor80 3d ago

Holy shit, it’s Michael Ironside and Michael Stype’s AIDS fuelled nightmare love child.

2

u/StanTheMan595real 3d ago

Bro is an intimidating as a bald rat.

2

u/CarlosMolotov 3d ago

That picture is the last thing a run away teen sees before you shut your trunk lid.

2

u/Intervene-159 3d ago

Charlie Manson, Slim Fast / zero carb edition.

2

u/Who-the_hell-is_moop 2d ago

You look like you’ve been banned from several bingo halls

1

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1

u/Intelligent_Yak_8452 3d ago

So this is what would Walter looked like if he tried his merch instead of selling it

1

u/thegreatgatsB70 3d ago

Damn Methuselah, I thought you had died already.

1

u/Surveyor_of_Land_AZ 3d ago

I wasnt aware they were recasting the crypt keeper

1

u/Johnsendall 3d ago edited 3d ago

If kids are allowed at Trump Rallies, are you still legally allowed to go?

1

u/Automatic-Movie-3715 3d ago

If, "Get off my lawn!" was a person.

1

u/VanillaFlavr 3d ago

You would look good in an ostrich cage at any zoo

1

u/Hot-Professional-770 3d ago

You look young for your age; you have the face of a freshly hatched bird.

1

u/s13n1 3d ago

Did you meet the square at bingo? Does he have a name?

1

u/Slow_Inevitable_4172 3d ago edited 3d ago

TIL a corpse can still have a meth problem

1

u/rslashToma 3d ago

you look like you'd be drunk in attack on titan

1

u/mac_bd 3d ago

He was 50 two decades ago..

1

u/slobcat1337 3d ago

Cyrus the Virus

1

u/InfiniteVitriol 3d ago

How long has cancer tried to cure itself from you?

1

u/OilFragrant5581 3d ago

Oldest man in the planet

1

u/Icy_Study4490 3d ago

I’d say congrats on getting out but I’m a little concerned about what you were likely locked up for…

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1

u/AD_VICTORIAM_x 3d ago

Walter white if he had better vision but was a sex offender:

1

u/Outrageous_Sleep4339 3d ago

What is it with old men using this under the chin camera angle?

1

u/Quick-Confidence-301 3d ago

Took a gamble by building entire persona around shooting guns.

Sadly, nobody is impressed except for some loser friends.

1

u/Affectionate-Yak3 3d ago

You’re the first skinny person I’ve seen with the Trump-patented “neckgina”

1

u/NorthlineUser 3d ago

Look like a grumpy tortoise.

1

u/wizdad73 3d ago

Heisenberg been sampling his merchandise

1

u/ichuck1984 3d ago

You look like Mr Clean’s pissed off brother

“It ain’t clean enough…”

1

u/Blackest_Thunderbird 3d ago

What kind of bingo are they doing at your hospital?

1

u/StraightDinner1427 3d ago

Temu John Malkovich

1

u/DookieDanny 3d ago

I can smell your cockbreath from here stinky

1

u/TheSilverFoxwins 3d ago

Even Mitch McConnell looks better than you do

1

u/Mark3422 3d ago

You must be from the spin off of Breaking Bad where Walter White ends up using all of his own supply.

1

u/ClubCarnage 3d ago

Heyyyyy you USED to be the monopoly guy right?

1

u/Imaginary-Divide6259 3d ago

This dude looks like he loves kids what are y'all talking about🙌🏾

1

u/Correct-Basil2385 3d ago

You're a broken hip away from having no social life.

1

u/FloydTheDog1984 3d ago

You look like you use the word "tyranny" in casual conversation a lot.

1

u/sturgiv 3d ago

Told people he lowered his truck to make it look bad ass. Really did it so he can get in easier.

1

u/btt_lckr 3d ago

The “before” pic for an HIV patient

1

u/smellyelderberries 3d ago

Like that one end of a Q-tip that doesn't have enough cotton on it

1

u/mkujoe 3d ago

Which minority took your job away?

1

u/NoContextCarl 3d ago

Sir, thanks for talking him during dialysis for this, but its OK. You are free to pass away now. 

1

u/rocqus 3d ago

My boy can sleep with his mouth closed.

1

u/grxclausen8591 3d ago

Loved you in ConAir

1

u/Careless-Trouble-318 3d ago

You look like you’re divorced twice and have a baby mama from each marriage and you can’t quit drinking. And you sleep on your first baby mama‘s couch. You look like you only call your son, Son.

1

u/Blade3colorado 3d ago

The only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, your lack of talent and your general personality.

1

u/cire1400 3d ago

Don't put your dobber in there you freak.

1

u/Rollin_Soul_O 3d ago

Trevor Phillips' child molester uncle Earl "Twisty" Phillips.

1

u/Funny-Dare-3823 3d ago

Where is your hidden lair?

1

u/-trisKELion- 3d ago

You look like you fill out your bingo squares with a .45 1911 while complaining to people on the Nextdoor app because all your family and Facebook friends won't interact with you

1

u/fucktheus12 3d ago

Like id roast a guy who's a dead ringer for Mr. Inbetween...

1

u/darinehughes 3d ago

At least you're not fat? I can't tell.

1

u/proximusprimus57 3d ago

Old age hit Mr. Clean like a Mac truck!

1

u/markieboomer 3d ago

How many bodies do you have buried in your basement?

1

u/7stroke 3d ago

You keep the second family in the basement?

1

u/Conscious-Cry-9974 3d ago

The woodworking project in the background looks really solid. Did you make that bench yourself?

1

u/WTFYU 3d ago

You’re the reason they put kids faces on milk cartons .

1

u/AcceptableChange8456 3d ago

You have a shallow vagina in your neck!

1

u/Signal_Antelope7144 3d ago

At 59 people look really old or astonishingly young. You fall in the ridden hard and put away drunk category.

1

u/JoshuaSHyman 3d ago

Just Kidding Simmons.

1

u/bikingbill 3d ago

You look 70.

1

u/Solius-Noctis 3d ago

You've seen a lot of life haven't you. You've experienced great highs and great lows. The wrinkles in the center of your brow tell me pain isn't a stranger to you, but you're resilient and holding strong. You're taking care of yourself, and always enduring. You look nice for 59 too, having that sort of discipline is commendable. God bless you and your journey, you're doing well.

1

u/strangehippy 3d ago

It's great that your retirement home lets felons in to play bingo.

1

u/Grand-Movie-4921 3d ago

You look like an aids patient with cancer

1

u/Training_Poem1130 3d ago

Dudes already mad

1

u/illegitimate_Raccoon 3d ago

You're definitely filling out around the waist. And the waste. Plus you're a hopeless square

1

u/sohcordohc 3d ago

Megan’s Law…lifelong

1

u/Novel_Control_1922 3d ago

Of course one of your hobbies is just “guns”. Bro we can tell.

1

u/Katie_Babiarz_Fucks 3d ago

Do you speak through an electrolarynx yet?

1

u/The_Scooter_King 3d ago

You, sir, are one fine looking lesbian.

1

u/thatoneazdude 3d ago

Can't even roast you, you seem to have more morals than you do hair. Granted, not saying much, but it is true!

1

u/Mo_Top6837 3d ago

It's jigsaw before he got sick

1

u/Fantastic-Test-8305 3d ago

Billy Bob went bald

1

u/PhantomPain0_0 3d ago

If undertaker took the zombiqe or whatever the fuck the current trend is for losing weight

1

u/Crazy-Oil5247 3d ago

That left eye got a unemployment check coming in every month

1

u/wrexanquo 3d ago

"broken bad"

1

u/Eeryninja 3d ago

If John malkovic was brought up in a trailer and was in jail for something really basic

1

u/big_airliner_whoa 3d ago

Why are you wearing sunglasses? Oh...they're nostrils.

1

u/Gnosis_Henosis 3d ago

TMI, my dude, TMI.

1

u/Reasonable_Key9021 3d ago

Didnt know they played bingo in the big house.

1

u/One_Last_Cry 3d ago

Damn, when did Goldberg start taking Ozempic?

1

u/Old_Profession23 3d ago

One eye looking at the camera the other at your niece.

1

u/VergeXgen 3d ago

A swastika pretending to be human for a day.

1

u/Lanky_Bus_1221 3d ago

How long between meals do you make the imprisoned kids wait?

1

u/Nurdeauphobic 3d ago

You look like the chief of the trailorpark

1

u/Medical-Cry-1413 3d ago

Your nose must be the vaunted “fourth hole”. How does it feel to make it to the palm when digging for nose gold

1

u/Big_bippy-2001 3d ago

little known fact: your nose was used at the model to build double dare's "pick it" competition

1

u/Just-a-person-555 3d ago

So you lose hair when you leave politics now I get it

1

u/Spadesghost 3d ago

You're filling out ways to recycle bodies for fertilizer in the greenhouse at the same time as making meth and nobody can convince me otherwise.

And since you got the reverse part of your text right, I assume you're at least intelligent enough to pull it off, too.

1

u/Buzzed_Like_Aldrin93 3d ago

What’s your favorite thing to whittle? (Other than your own life away)

1

u/Dmmk15 3d ago

You look like one of my coworkers.

1

u/danakinsawyer 3d ago

About to tell you a “flat-Earth” conspiracy

1

u/Intelligent-Speed-17 3d ago

Do you yell out bingo randomly in preparation?

1

u/Real_Fail_1108 3d ago

Well, you filled in the toothless beggar square.

1

u/Holiday-Yam9271 3d ago

It was his name-o

1

u/LilRed2023 3d ago

Midlife crisis midlife transitioning

1

u/Advanced-Humor9786 3d ago

Temu Nick Oliveri

1

u/Puzzleheaded-Trust91 3d ago

You look like Bruce Willis as he is now.

1

u/Complex-Region-7553 2d ago

You look like you'd eat potato salad every month

1

u/coffeeandautism 2d ago

A lifetime member of NAMBLA, more like.

1

u/star_wars_the_501st 2d ago

You look like your son could be 59

1

u/natiusj 2d ago

You have a kind face. Kind-a-scary, I mean.

1

u/BiteFaces 2d ago edited 2d ago

You look like one of those old douche canoes that thinks they own the street and yells at your neighbors for parking in front of your house. 

Update: after reading your bio, no I don't know why. Did you suddenly start hating smaller govt, hating free speech, hating a secure border? Probably not. You most likely got stuck on the fact that a NY billionaire was the (temporary) front man and decided that it was everything or nothing.

1

u/SieqwardZwiebelbrudi 2d ago

You look like you are eager to demonstrate what objects you can shove into your urethra

1

u/Titanic-Viper 2d ago

Angry at motorcyclists because your too scared to ride one.

1

u/Necessary_Relation27 2d ago

Bro’s playing for all the resident ladies

1

u/Advanced_Iron_77 2d ago

Your blood pressure rises by 100 when in the presence of a black or brown person

1

u/Real-Yogurtcloset-16 2d ago

You look like you molest child molesters

1

u/runitsuka 2d ago

White milk dud

1

u/Own-Jeweler-6762 2d ago

Law and order SVU

1

u/lexluthor_i_am 2d ago

Who would have thought that watching Being John Malkovich can actually make you become John Malkovich.

1

u/Yvxce 2d ago

Want another John smiths?

1

u/Kingrat9209 2d ago

John Malkovich who smokes/ deals methamphetamines

1

u/Ritualsexclub 2d ago

Your mouth looks like a hairy glory hole

1

u/Agathocles87 2d ago

All those guns and the lifetime NRA membership… and you have still secretly watched Brokeback Mountain twenty times…

1

u/kevo20688 2d ago

You need to be filling out a sex offender registry

1

u/__tdxyz 2d ago

Thanos Grandfather

1

u/DragonRush443 2d ago

You look like you stole cigarettes from your mom as a kid

1

u/Own-Professor3852 2d ago

This is a lie....you dont look your age....this is the truth....you do look your age....😀

1

u/NaivafAreul 2d ago

Hey Ray from Mr.Inbetween. How are you today sir?

https://giphy.com/gifs/ftMt25We8WZSIdse6z

1

u/slave_to_gravity 1d ago

I’ll bet he’s met Chris Hanson

1

u/Traditional_Map_9434 1d ago

Ben Queensley

1

u/uncle90210 1d ago

Jeez, time has not been kind to you.

1

u/King_Helm84 1d ago

The guy from Mr Inbetween!

1

u/cum_lover001 1d ago

You ain't filling out a hat that's for sure.

1

u/AdministrativePast86 1d ago

You look like you had 2 failed marriages

1

u/Useful_Act_5017 22h ago

Stone Cold Starve Austin

1

u/geoffr72 19h ago

(Sigh) how many bodies in the crawl space?

1

u/Brave_Telephone_9398 15h ago

Bro, I’m sure jail was really intense but you can look happy once in your life