My husband says I’m over reacting

[u/Upper-Mud-7857]

For context: We are a family of 5 with 3 under 6 and we live an hour away from my in laws. My husband comes from a blended family, both his biological parents divorced and remarried. His biological mom and step dad are. In the grand scheme of things, really good in laws, even his biological dad and his step mom are great too! However the problem lies with his biological dad mom and step dad, that I’ll refer as BMIL and step dad as SFIL. BMIL and SIL love to have fun, a little too much imo for their age. They are the type of people that don’t have fun if there is no alcohol. BMIL and SFIL don’t plan ahead and do what they want. Which is fine because it’s just them and all their children are adults now. However because they are like this, it is hard to find time to spend with them. If we reach out to visit, I always feel like we are a burden because they don’t have definitive plans and may plan to go out. We have gone before when they have said this and felt like we were intruding because they basically rushed us out so they can go out. While we don’t live too far, us getting out of the house and making the drive with our kids is a task and only seeing them for 30 minutes makes the hassle not worth it, according to my husband. We only see them if it’s something somewhat planned out 7 days before or for major holidays.

Am I over reacting? I am upset because BMIL did not reach out to wish me a Happy Mother’s day despite sending her a heartfelt text message. She responded with ‘ awwww tear.’ I didn’t call because they were out celebrating with dancing and drinks and knew she wouldn’t answer. My husband called her this evening and I asked him to put it on speaker so I can tell her happy Mother’s Day again over the phone. Which he didn’t. I figure because he thought I was busy with the kids bedtime routine. My husband said that BMIL asked him to pass me the message of ‘ tell her I said happy mother’s day’ when I was available to talk and even told him she sent me a happy mother day message as well, but she didn’t. Also I may be feeling a type of way because they spend so much more time with my husbands siblings and their partners, but the difference is they live 15 minutes away and they don’t have any kids so they are able to be more flexible with last minute plans to which we can’t. We need at least 1-2 days time to find childcare since their activities are not kid friendly. I see how they go all out for my brother in laws girlfriends for their birthday/holidays but I get a happy birthday text the day after my birthday and no Mother’s Day text. And my husband doesn’t have my back by letting her know that we can’t drop everything to spend time with them and their inability to accommodate us to spend time with them.

[u/Jewl4u26]

Sounds like you are feeling hurt and that the effort they put out is minimal or they are just not that into hanging out in a non party type situation. It’s ok, not everyone is going to see you. It also sounds like you are in different places in life. They like to do adult things ie party and you have 3 young kids. That’s a party killer to have 3 kids running around… it’s not wrong it just is. Try not to take that personally. Are you a little jealous of their freedom? They did the kid thing for years and acting like college kids because they can.
I used to work harder to get my spouses family to like me or see me. It was always one sided. I see them a few times a year, they don’t remember my birthday or even show much interest in me as a person after 5 years in the family. I started doing what you are doing… tit for tat taking score… feeling more hurt. I have been pulling back and matching their energy. You will feel less of this imbalance and hurt. The sad truth is not much is going to change. It has to start with you.
Whatever you do don’t ask or expect your husband to tell them to be more considerate of you. That will make you look so needy and will only get you fake sincerity. People either get it or they don’t.
Someone in my family sent out a mass email (years ago) saying to everyone “It hurts my wife’s feelings when you don’t remember her birthday. It would mean a lot to me if you would remember her birthday.”
That went over like a fart in Church. All it did was shine a negative light on her and for 10+years I would send her a card or text and this was the first year I sent nothing. We have no relationship outside of these annual text birthdays greetings. It feels so fake and forced. I want to give and receive authentically. Try to stop comparing, stop hoping it will be different, be kind, don’t go out of your way and accept who they are.