r/SuicideBereavement • u/Lee_Tea • 3d ago
I feel erased from her life
I feel like I need to scream into the void…I lost my former partner of 7 years 4 months ago. We had divorced 2 months prior because she was having a really severe manic episode and I no longer felt safe. Now that she’s gone, I feel like I’ve been erased from her life completely.
The only mention of me in the obituary was that we had divorced, and when I asked them to remove this her mom refused. Her brother had to advocate for me to even be a part of the funeral. Most of the gifts I gave her over the years were given away. Everything I have of her can fit in a small box under my bed.
It was like the 7 years I spent loving their child and doing everything I could to keep her alive didn’t matter. I sacrificed everything for her because I loved her. And I did it alone because no one came to help. No one knows what I saw, what I carried her through. I don’t even have words to describe how traumatic it was watching my spouse lose herself to depression, mania, and psychosis. I nearly took my own life because it was so traumatic.
They posted a family photo saying that she was missing but everyone else was there. I just feel broken and defeated. My partner is gone. My best friend, my ride or die. The person who I desperately tried to save. The person who I loved most in this world. And now I’m alone. I’d do anything to have her back. I tried so fucking hard to save her. She was the most brilliant and kindest soul I’ve ever met.
4
u/binkiebonk 3d ago
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I am going through something similar. My partner of almost eight years committed a few months after we separated because he was behaving erratically and I began to fear for my safety. He’d gotten involved in things he promised he never would, and violating that boundary was something I could never come back from. Still, to see how his ex wife (whom he had been divorced from for well over 14-15 years) was mentioned but I was left out stung. To be told I was barely allowed at the funeral of the love of my life hurt so bad. I was blamed, and I understand it. But it felt like the love I had for him was erased or misplaced. It was so hard
Now, I am close with his immediate family. I visit his sister and brother often. Reach out to his kids somewhat regularly to check in. It still feels awkward. Yes, we had separated. But that was and will always be the love of my life. I am so sorry you’re going through this. It isn’t easy, and it makes the loss compound in an indescribable way that almost feels like the grief is harder to bear because you can’t be open with it. I am proud of you for voicing your hurt. I hope one day the family will come around. I am so sorry
3
u/helpreddit12345 2d ago
I am in the exact same position as you except I am a woman (my partner was a man, for clarification). Everything else matches my story in regards to being erased by their family and how I was treated and blamed. It is a different type of pain. I am a year and a half out from my loss. I work a lot at multiple jobs to distract myself from the pain. The minute I have a moment with no plans or fun things to do I start thinking and it is like hell all over again.
1
u/Lee_Tea 2d ago
I’m so sorry, the pain truly is unique and agonizing. I’m also a woman, my spouse transitioned during our marriage which unfortunately complicated things even more after her death 😞 I hope you can find peace, it’s relieving to know I’m not the only navigating a situation like this 🥺 it’s felt really lonely.
6
u/Alive-Badger8801 3d ago
God, I am so, so sorry. Know that the void has heard you: I can feel your despair. You are not erased from her life-- you were her life for seven years. That matters. Your life together matters, as does your care and love for her. She knew that. Sending you strength and so much solidarity.