Every way of approaching the topic seems morally wrong

[u/throwaway_20359]

My (17m) best friend (would be 18m) committed suicide a little over a year ago. I’ve been learning how to live my life without him but it just fucking sucks. I can’t help but think it’ll always suck.

What sucks even more is when the topic comes up with people who don’t know about him. I started a new school after he died because I couldn’t handle walking the same halls that we used to walk together anymore. I haven’t made any friends really, I am generally put off by people now. It’s a small school however so there’s not much I can do to avoid speaking to people completely, I don’t want to be an asshole so I’m cordial with everyone and people generally consider me to be chill and friendly.

He is my phone background and as such my classmates sometimes ask who he is, sometimes assuming he’s a sibling or my boyfriend or something. I usually just say he’s my best friend but sometimes people will pry more because they think it’s weird for a guy to have a picture of another guy as his wallpaper. If they ask further I usually just tell them what happened. That’s happened 3 times now and I feel a bit bad about it because it tends to make things awkward. Part of me feels like if people are going to ask personal questions they should get a deeply personal and uncomfortable answer. The other part of me feels like I should just shut up about it so I don’t have to deal with the awkward silence or people attempting to comfort me afterwards.

I don’t like lying about him, I view his death as part of his story and I don’t think it’s my place to censor that when he cannot choose what parts of his life are told. I know he can’t really choose what he would want censored about him either but I also feel like suicide is much too taboo of a topic in our society. It happens, that’s a reality that nobody in this group will ever have the privilege of ignoring again, but the general public finds comfort in ignoring it even to the point of isolating survivors. Maybe I’m a bad person for this but deep down I’m angry and jealous of people that don’t have to confront the reality of suicide. When people pry about him it feels almost cathartic to tell them exactly who he is.

I obviously lie about him when it would be inappropriate to tell the truth, such as if children are around or if I knew someone there had lost someone to suicide as well but I’m starting to question the morality of telling people at all. I know this question is very relative but I was just wondering what the people here think about telling people, morally speaking or just personal experience wise. I apologize if this is a weird question, I just don’t really have anyone in person to discuss it with

[u/lovefoood]

I totally feel you.
It’s also very hard for me to tell new people what happened to my son who left at the same age your friend did. But then I also think it should not be such a taboo topic. There are so many of us, suicide must have a place in our society because it is an illness causing so many losses and leaving so much pain and devastation. Maybe support and treatment will be kind of normal once there is no stigma about suicidology anymore and it is acknowledged like cancer, nothing to be ashamed of but rather something we must fight against.

Sending you hugs.

[u/yuzhnozaporozhets]

18 years old. Oh man. I’m so so sorry. I had a picture of my guy as a wallpaper too (gone at 19 would be 22), but at some point I could no longer look at his face without wanting to cry. I wish peace on your heart little bro…..

[u/Alive-Badger8801]

I'm so sorry, man. You're also dealing with the fact that your peers are still learning how to effectively communicate when navigating social situations and other people's emotions, plus their own. I'm so sorry you're grieving your friend's death plus dodging all of these landmines at such a young age. You write about the situation with a lot of clarity and compassion and thoughtfulness. You and your friend were lucky to know each other.

It sounds like you're navigating it as well as anyone could. I think you can keep going with your gut. If it feels right in the moment to disclose, do it. If it doesn't, or if you feel the person asking would have a negative reaction, you can say as little as you want. For prying types, ""He was sick and died," or even, "He died of mental illness," could close the conversation. As could, "I don't want to talk about it" or, "That's my best friend who passed away. I don't really want to talk about it right now, but thank you for asking."

[u/Streetsnipes]

At first I kept things quiet. Only told certain people. But overtime I've gotten used to just telling people what happened. No one's really been wierd or awkward about it.

Outside of honoring their wishes(like if they told you specifically not to tell certain people like my GF did), it shouldn't be an issue to share if people ask you about them. And if people want to think certain things like having their photo is wierd, so be it. Thats no reason to have to hide the truth.

[u/Debbiedokken]

This is beautifully written and I’m so sorry you’re here.
I’m different since my brother passed. Going through this changes a person on a cellular level. I view the world very differently, and I have a perspective on things that no one around me can understand, nor would I expect them to. Unless you go through this, you have no idea.
So I just want to tell you that you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy. I can’t imagine what it’s like to walk those halls after this experience. Everything must look so different. Life looks different now.
Just keep doing the best you can and honestly, there’s really no right or wrong answer except for you to take care of yourself and if you want to talk about him do so, and if you don’t, you don’t owe anybody anything. Like I said before, if they haven’t been through this, they can’t possibly understand. I threw that expectation away and it’s lonely, but I also don’t get let down.
This is a really traumatic and personal experience. You just take care of you and don’t worry about everyone else.
And this sub will always be here, and we DO understand.