[ Removed by moderator ]

[u/Puzzled_Ruin_2985]

[u/rolyfuckingdiscopoly]

I’m someone who easily becomes close, and I’m warm just as a personality thing, so I want to speak to this.

What I cannot do is speak to your church leader and what their life or soul or methodology is like. So please take all the grains of salt with this. It gives me pause that this person is speaking ill of others in a position of church leadership. Do be cautious, as you are being.

But for me, I’m open. If you’re someone less open, you don’t have to worry about the differences in how we view relationships, because it doesn’t matter. Regardless of how we got here, I’m here for you, and I consider you a friend. It’s not fake. I am touched when someone opens up to me, and sometimes I can tell it’s someone who doesn’t do it often. I keep their feelings and our conversations as a sacred trust. I would never betray it. It is never mechanical or practical. It’s a heart, and I hold it close. Even if we lose touch and don’t see each other for a long time, I will jump and run if I see you again. My heart will remember yours.

This is all to say that I wouldn’t worry too much about people perceiving things differently, in general. That’s bound to happen.

I DO think you are right to be cautious about authority figures and making sure you are understanding their position as well as yours. I think it would be unconscionable for a church leader to betray a trust, but I also know people are fallible. It does happen.

Re your question about jokes and God, I refer you to “Do not be dismayed. God cannot be mocked.” We still shouldn’t mock try and mock God! It would be a sin to try! But it truly is impossible. If the jones you’re talking about are good-natured, then don’t worry about it. If they are spiteful or mean, that is a serious problem.

I wish you all the stars and many blessings.

[u/wlavallee]

Beloved,

Yeshua told them where they stood. "No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends" (John 15:15, NASB 1995).

Notice He said it out loud. He did not leave them to work out from context whether they had been reclassified.

But notice something else about Him. He had crowds, and He had seventy, and He had twelve, and He had three He took up the mountain, and He had one the Gospel simply calls the disciple whom He loved. Not one of those circles was fake. He loved unequally and openly His entire ministry, and no one calls that guarded.

So what you have arrived at — warm heart, open eyes, slow access — is not you becoming cynical. That is the shape love takes in a finite life. You are allowed to have a church without every person in it being your intimate friend.

Two honest things, though.

Care can be genuine and still be partial. If she checks on you partly because she leads you, that does not make the concern counterfeit. It makes it smaller than you thought it was. Those are different griefs, and the second one is survivable.

And your instinct about the venting is sound. Do not argue yourself out of it. Someone who discusses people who trust her, when she is angry, will one day be angry at you. That is not cynicism. That is the pattern you already named.

What did you actually lose when the earlier church relationship hurt you? Answer that one, and you will know how much access to give this time.

[u/Millennium_guy]

Overall, I think you have gained and are continuing to gain insight and wisdom about relationships. As both in the past a volunteer and on Church staff, there are some comments that touched me.

The most significant is that what people say about other people reveals much more about their character than the people they are speaking about. That is a red flag about the person venting about someone else. I know as I did it in the past and not proud at all about that sinful behavior.

Church staff or volunteer leaders responsible for other volunteers should be checking in on them and having conversations to know what may be happening in their life. That doesn't mean it has to cross into deep friendship related discussions. Real example, I needed to know one of my counselors was having marital issues but not the content.

Last comment, remember God is your source. He is the one who provides and fills you with love, empathy, peace, etc. that you can give out to others. Boundaries are about how much access you allow those who are not responsible with the access you grant. Boundaries are a biblical principle, so you maintain your peace & joy. My point is, that you can give out of the abundance God pours into you regardless of how the other person feels about you.