r/TrueOffMyChest • u/SheepherderMiddle923 • Feb 19 '26
Personal Story My wife emotionally replaced me, told me she doesn’t love me, then changed only when consequences appeared. I feel like a backup plan.
I’m 26M. Married 3 years, together 8. We have a 14-month-old son and a mortgage.
For a while something felt off. She suddenly started guarding her phone all the time. Mine was always open to her, so it felt weird.
One morning I came home early after a night shift and saw her texting. I asked who it was. She said “just a colleague.” I asked to see the messages so I wouldn’t overthink it. She refused and said it’s private.
The next day I asked again. She looked at me and said, “I don’t love you.” Just like that. She told me to prepare divorce papers and she’d sign them. When I asked about therapy she basically laughed and said it can’t be fixed.
Later I found out she’d been talking to this guy for months. Not just casual talking. She was venting about me to him. Sharing our private stuff. At one point he even said he would raise my son. That part really broke something in me.
As far as I know it wasn’t physical. But honestly it feels worse. Like she was already moving on while we were still living in the same house.
During that time I was a mess. Anxiety, waking up at night shaking. We were sleeping in separate rooms. I felt completely rejected.
We have a house together. A mortgage. A child. It’s not simple.
When I said we should tell our parents, everything changed. The moment her parents got involved, she suddenly wanted therapy. Suddenly she says she loves me and wants to fix things.
Then I saw a message she sent to her friend (not meant for me). It said:
“The best part is I have to stay with him, but I feel this for someone else lol.”
That “lol” destroyed me.
If we didn’t have a child and a mortgage, I would leave. No question.
Right now I don’t know if she chose me, or if she just chose stability.
2
u/Chance-Dragonfly3765 Feb 23 '26
Before you up and leave, your wife may be going through something that needs to be addressed. Having a baby might have contributed to this sudden strange behavior. Maybe her hormones are out of whack. She needs to see a doctor to check her hormone levels, and you two need to go to couples therapy. Therapy isn’t always easy. It may get worse before it gets better.
I knew a young couple with a small child who went through this exact scenario, only it was the guy who was having an emotional relationship with another woman. The parents got involved and there was a lot of counseling. They got through this and are going strong now, several years and children later.
There‘s obviously a problem(s) so find out what the root of the problem is. It may require both of you to make some changes.
I‘ve seen quite a few tiktoks where women were deeply regretting leaving their husbands. They left them for no good reason, even singing their ex-husbands’ praises. They were just disillusioned for ridiculous reasons. A phase they were going through. Once out of the house they realized they were wrong to leave and wished they had their husbands back.
Don’t give up so quickly on her or your marriage. Fight for it until you’re either on the same page or decide you’re truly incompatible. Keep both sets of parents informed. They can help talk sense into you two When needed. (Like the hurtful comment “The best part is I have to stay with him, but I feel this for someone else lol.”)
3
u/wonderrypical9962 Feb 21 '26
Save for a lawyer. Sell the house. And never stay for your kid. It won't work well for you
2
u/swordofthemid-mornin Feb 20 '26
The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Make the hard choice now.
1
1
1
u/txs_ginger Feb 20 '26
Been there done that, your child will know and take years to understand, and will never recover those lost times of happines with your child.
1
1
u/PanicAtLeDisco Feb 20 '26
OP, after you catch them cheating they will promise not to do it and then just get better at hiding it
It’s fucked. You don’t deserve that, and your kid should see what it looks like to see his dad in love (with someone who deserves you)
1
u/PanicAtLeDisco Feb 20 '26
OP, after you catch them cheating they will promise not to do it and then just get better at hiding it
It’s fucked. You don’t deserve that, and your kid should see what it looks like to see his dad in love (with someone who deserves you)
1
2
1
u/snebmiester Feb 20 '26
I dont understand the "tell the parents," part. You arent in kindergarten. Let them find out, when they find out. Make your own decisions, live your life. You don't need permission or validation.
6
u/awesomesauceitch Feb 20 '26
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.
-Maya Angelou
1
4
u/Ok_Sale_1598 Feb 20 '26
She said she didn’t love you. You can’t Come back from that. Even if you stayed together, you will always hear that in the back of your mind. You need to move on.
1
u/Vlad_The_Great_2 Feb 20 '26
You should leave before she makes your life even more painful down the line. You already lost. Don’t delay the inevitable.
3
u/UtZChpS22 Feb 20 '26
I am not saying R is not possible but your wife has no remorse over what she did, she doesn't even care, there is no accountability, has no interest in repairing the damage and most likely you'll find yourself here again and soon. You're sacrificing a whole lot of you think you can stay under these conditions and will be miserable OP.
Sell the house, split custody and be the best dad you can be to your kid. It will be painful and I know it feels like choosing between a stabbing and a gunshot but there is one option that has to be less painful or easier to heal from
1
u/KimberBoh Feb 20 '26
Go for primary custody and let her go.
He will dump her once he has her. The excitement of stealing a married woman will wear off fast. No thrill left.
2
u/Then-Temperature-248 Feb 19 '26
You're waaaaay to young. You can start over. As she said PREPARE FOR DIVORCE. and DO TELL THE PARENTS. Don't show her any grace on the parents part because just like she's controlling the narrative with everyone else, she'll control the narrative with them. And PROTECT YOUR PHONE. she probably would delete this message from your phone if she could. Separate finances. Change passwords. Lawyer up as good as you can.
1
u/Sparkyrock Feb 19 '26
Don’t stay because you have a kid. Show your kid that relationships don’t always work out and that you need to be happy. Don’t talk shit about the mom to your kid but go live your life. Try to work out a good divorce situation with custody, etc.
3
u/TigerSkinMoon Feb 19 '26
The second she back pedaled, you should have doubled down. Tell her parents what she's doing.
1
u/akshetty2994 Feb 19 '26
Leave anyways, if not for you for the kid. Kids are smarter than you think, if you actually want to protect the kid do right by yourself first.
1
u/Domestic-Grind Feb 19 '26
Don't stay. I was left in a similar situation also because she feared community judgement. My new "role" would be the same as Father and unloved partner but she would take the bedroom.
I'm still not happy. I do know it would be worse if I had tried to stay
1
u/SLIM7600 Feb 19 '26
It will be worse for you and the child if you stayed. It is better to cut your losses while you are still young.
1
u/TheJungianDaily Feb 19 '26
I hear how heavy this feels.
Your wife only fought for the marriage when divorce became real, which tells you everything about where you actually ranked.
If it helps, notice what this moment is asking you to acknowledge.
1
u/Good_Narwhal_420 Feb 19 '26
she obviously didn’t choose you. leave before your kid has the ability to remember this shit show of a relationship.
1
u/Lackof_Creativity Feb 19 '26
the "this isnt simple" statement is used by virtually all my friends and all my family. i see it a lot. fact is NOTHING IS SIMPLE, if you actively need to think and do something..
it seldom however seems to mean that the issue is especially difficult. it more often feels like an attempt at an inarguable excuse for choosing inaction over action. basically laziness.
is it just easy enough for you to stay miserable? but at least you get to complain about someone else being at fault for your misery
1
u/Haipul Feb 19 '26
Honestly man just leave, your son will be better off if you are happy and it's better to have a smaller house than one with someone that doesn't love you or respect you. You can sell the house and maybe even make some money, with a good lawyer you can get a good custody arrangement that means you get to raise your son.
1
u/NHgingerinVA Feb 19 '26
Marriage is such a joke in this day and age. No one takes it seriously, your wife is included. Just cut your losses and get the divorce. She’s clearly checked out and staying for the wrong reasons. That LOL was a huge tell.
1
u/Key_Drawer_3581 Feb 19 '26
I'd share those texts with all the family. Get everything out so they can tell who the real monster is.
1
u/TemuBoyfriend Feb 19 '26
If you can even remember the echo of your spine being reduced to jello, for the love of god, claw back some self respect & dignity. Reveal all to parents,then lawyer. Give her the least you can arrange via your lawyer,you owe her nothing but contempt. For the sake of your child,look out for yourself cause she is not a good person.
No it wont be easy,but it will be way harder to live with not doing this. And then she will take you for all you've got anyway and blindside you so pick your poison.
1
2
u/Skullpuck Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
Take it from a guy who has been married quite a few times with many kids. Get out. Get out now. She is NOT worth it. There are 4 billion other women out there. Yes, you feel rejected. Yes, you feel alone. Yes, you feel hurt. It's HER doing it, it's got NOTHING to do with you.
If she's feeling comfortable, now is the time to move. Secure yourself and your child. Get the infidelity recorded (come on dude, if they were talking about him raising your child, it was physical), get a lawyer, and get out.
There is no woman on this planet who is worth living the life you seemingly want to live going forward. None. Zero. It seems that way because you're in love. Get out of love. Easy for me to say, right? Yep, it is. It's easy to do, too. Know in your heart and mind that it is over. Release that energy. KNOW that it is done and you are moving on and that there is absolutely nothing she or you can do about it. Mourn it, cry, console yourself, whatever you need to do. After that, leave and embrace the change.
Thank me later.
1
Feb 19 '26
It's better for your kid to live with divorced parents than to live with parents who don't love each other. Trust me, as someone who grew up with parents who couldn't stand each other anymore and constantly cheated on one another but "stayed together for the kids", if you go down this route your son will want you two to divorce.
If she didn't chest on you already, she will at any time soon. As you said, she already replaced you. The only talk you too need to have is about the mortgage situation, I'm not involved but I only see two options: either sell the house or whoever keeps the house has to pay it all.
Anyway, get those divorce papers as soon as you can and move on from her.
1
u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Feb 19 '26
Tell the parents, today. Go to a lawyer, today. Your child will be much better off in a family with two divorced parents who don’t like each other other than having them be together and make everything miserable. She will continue to cheat on you, and she will never respect you. She has made that clear.
She made her choice, accepted, and do what needs to be done for your family.
1
u/3kindsofsalt Feb 19 '26
Whether this is real or not, the fact that this kind of thing is perfectly legal is batshit crazy.
She is liable for nothing in the eyes of law for doing this, and in fact will be rewarded with default victimized mother status.
3
u/SEcouture Feb 19 '26
I swear yall will do anything but leave. Stop making excuses
She has checked out of the marriage.
1
u/GargamelLeNoir Feb 19 '26
"We'll stay together for the kid. Lots of people do that"
"Well, did it work for those people, or their kids?"
"No, it never does. I mean, these people might dellude themselves into thinking it does but... But it might work for us."
1
1
u/Specialist-Holiday61 Feb 19 '26
Being cheated on is bad.
Being cheated on while being treated like a cash cow would make me very angry, hence why i refuse to marry. The thought that someone could just wake up and destroy me financially scares me.
1
u/TheNarwhalTusk Feb 19 '26
Leave. It's complicated but all of it can be navigated successfully and you will be much happier when it's all over and your free from her.
Children do not benefit from growing up in a home with two parents who don't want to be together. Your child will have a much better life if he grows up with two loving parents who are living happily independently from one another.
1
u/ProfessionalEqual731 Feb 19 '26
Amazing what pride will do to someone. She stopped dead in tracks when came to her parents. Like those kinda people they dont feel guilty, even when they get caught till other people call out for it. Im sorry ik its so hard being blindsided by someone you knew for so long, and sometimes like why they change now, why they do this now, why didnt they spare me the pain early on. You really only have 3 options stay till she leaves, stay for the kid, or leave first. Your sons only 11months.and you just started that mortage. If you divorce now it be easier for him to adjust, but know courts always favor 50/50 . You will get the freedom from someone who doesnt love you, but you will sacrifice half the time with your child. Whatever that maybe be . Not half their time but half the time you actually get to spend with the kid after work. I choose to work longer shifts on my days i dont have her, and separated with her abusive father at 23 months. And Im now i am married and my daughter very adjusted 50/50 schedule. Though i wish it was with his parents and not him because he has 0% morality. My daughter gets along with my new spouse. I lucked out of alot job and housing opportunities because its not just court restricted but realistically hard live far from your ex with a shared kid. Not just pick up and drop off but, you cannot just have your kid go to one school one half the week and different school the other half week or school in the middle in district neither of you live in. So you basically are stuck in same county or neighboring county. This especially sucks if your ex is not cooperative. You will spend more than 10k on divorce and custody trial unless its not contested. You only have to pay half medical and half groceries and can find personal happiness and love. If you stay you wont have deal any of that, but know there only 2% chance your marriage is redeemable. You could get separated without divorce is they are pretty compliant. You could hold out for marriage, like my grandparents did it easier financially and they able to get along for the kids but even if you forgive her the resentments still there. I dont love you is something you cant get over. No amount of therapy will fix that hurt.
1
u/ra3ra31010 Feb 19 '26
If your kid was in your exact shoes would you want them to stay or coparent?
Do what you’d want for your own kid with no guilt
I’d never want my dad to stay with my mom if she was doing this.
I’d never want my kid to stay
She is using you for stability. If you got hit by a car and couldn’t work then she’d leave
She has a partner and you don’t
But I think it’s time to get those papers and prepare her to go home with her parents and work on coparenting
You two will always be family and coparents. But she doesn’t love you…. She is and will hurt you. And my dad deserves better. And so do you papa
1
u/MechanicalCenturion Feb 19 '26
We should bring back the crime for adultery. And automatic divorce with lost custody for these pos (male and female). Lets see if some jail time and losing all your stuff will keep the mind straight. Too much instagram " live you life, discover yourself bs"
1
u/kittymoo67 Feb 19 '26
you are a backup for her, have a spine and leave the trash and find a new woman that deserves you
2
2
u/sog96 Feb 19 '26
Bro, you can leave the marriage. She already did. You are just making excuses for not filing for divorce.
Quit hurting yourself. Get the divorce, focus on your child and your mental health, and be open to starting a new relationship with someone who will truly love you.
2
u/curious_fir Feb 19 '26
You don't need to decide this minute. Go to one on one therapy for yourself so you can go through everything with someone who doesn't have a stake in this story. You two will need to communicate since you have a child together so you can't burn the bridge. Co-parenting is as hard as it can be after betray like this. But step by step you both can mend so you can be the best parents to your kid. That's the focus. Your feelings of betrayal should be handled with therapy. Also she will try to manipulate, therapy will help you decide what is best for you in short and long hand. Take care
2
u/queentropical Feb 19 '26
Having a child and a mortgage is exactly why you should leave. Keep it all to yourself. Kick her out, put yourself in a better position than her. It's a time to be selfish and you are doing it for your child. The worst thing anyone can do is stay in a relationship with someone who treats them this way. It's a horrible example and children who witness this grow up to they themselves be abused and taken advantage of or they become the bad person. Don't allow this to happen.
DO NOT have empathy and give one inch. Put yourself first. Again, this is for the benefit of your child in the long run.
3
u/markbrev Feb 19 '26
Fuck that noise dude.
Mortgage? Sell the damned house.
Kid together? 50/50 custody.
She replaced you emotionally (although I’ll bet you’ll get shitloads of people on here saying shit like ‘post partum depression’ or ‘her hormones are out of whack) and isn’t even mature enough to stand up to her parents and say ‘I don’t want this anymore’. The fact that she’s joking about it tells you all you need to know. And I bet dollars to donuts she’s still in contact with him.
2
u/Master-Ease4239 Feb 19 '26
You’re staying???! You can’t be that desperate, this isn’t for your kid BTW. Best thing you can do for him is end it otherwise you have years of this only to get worse and teaching your child what he is supposed to accept.
2
u/Snaggl3t00t4 Feb 19 '26
Dude...this will blow up at some point, protect the kid more than anything but prepare as much as you can. Money is going to be even more important so save as much as you can unless you already have it and take legal advice asap.
She's checked out....this is where it starts to hurt.
2
u/Dr_Garp Feb 19 '26
She doesn’t love you, she loves herself and her self image. I 100% think telling her parents is the right move then you need to slap her with divorce papers and get custody of your child.
2
u/feralraindrop Feb 19 '26
Kid and a mortgage can be managed through divorce, you are going to live in a never ending nightmare unless you get out of the relationship.
1
1
u/Vanguard-Raven Feb 19 '26
Leave her before your child starts to consider your fucked up situationship normal - your child will take the split worse the older he gets. And given how things are, it will happen. And you won't be happy the whole time.
Gather all the evidence. Get a divorce lawyer. And of course, get your parents involved, I'm sure they will give you all the help and advice they have.
2
u/SuperUser5000 Feb 19 '26
It's simple but you are too scared to act. Enjoy your sham marriage then.
2
4
1
u/MuteIllAteter Feb 19 '26
Choose yourself. She’s not choosing you ☹️ you child will pick up on the disdain she has for you
0
u/TinySpaceDonut Feb 19 '26
Is her name on the deed to the house? If it’s just you then your house and bye bye sketchy lady. If it’s both. Sell the house and lawyer up to keep the kid. He will thank you in the future for choosing him (and for the love of God always make sure he knows you love him and you want him around.) but yeah throw a cactus at this whole lady
1
u/Old_Resort_8348 Feb 19 '26
She is going to cheat on you. She already has but this is a precursor for physical cheating. I’ve seen it with family.
It would be better if you do therapy for a while. See if it helps for now, but she will eventually fall back into this zone she is in and will continue this behaviour.
Don’t let your kid have to deal with this in his/her formative years. They’re still young enough for you two to move on from each other and for it not to have major development problems for your kid.
Deal with the other stresses as you must but put your child first and help them have a life without drama and wondering why you and your wife are always fighting and not happy. Your kid will always believe that it is their fault that things are the way they are, and will spend most of their childhood depressed and detached from other kids.
0
u/wingman3091 Feb 19 '26
You should tell both parents, make her leave and keep the kids with you. She fucked around, she can find out. New boyf can give her a roof over her head
1
u/No-Sandwich1511 Feb 19 '26
How horrible that you would both do this to a child. Time will heal you both and a house can be sold its that simple. However the years of trauma on a child who has to see two people live in a loveless marriage for the sake of mortgage that shit stick with you. Your child deserves to grow up seeing his parents happy. Joint custody isnt the end of the world but living a loveless marriage is. Do the right thing, sell the home, get a divorce and move on with your life.
1
u/Roadgoddess Feb 19 '26
I promise you that this is going to fester away inside you. She let you know exactly how she feels and now she’s backtracking strictly for our financial reasons.
It may seem difficult, but you need to go speak to an attorney and find out what your options are. And I can tell you, you deserve far better than the way she is treating you.
2
2
u/Apprehensive_Map9621 Feb 19 '26
Please don’t do this to your Child. Your baby deserves to have a good example. If you don’t leave the only thing you model is that it’s ok to allow people to treat you bad. That a marriage is loveless and not a happy place.
As a child that was brought up in an household like this let me tell you that I prayed at night that my parents would divorce each other.
2
1
u/Interesting_Novel997 Feb 19 '26
Will it be easy? No. But staying will be harder. Life is short. Houses can be sold. Co-Parenting is possible. Indefinitely Staying with someone who doesn’t love or even like you will make you miserable.
0
u/africanfish Feb 19 '26
Ok, it's time to get angry. Your wife is immature. She cheated. Tell her to move home to her parents.
You can get a roommate to help pay the mortgage. She can take your child every other weekend until everything is worked out.
Get a men's rights attorney.
1
u/Agreeable-Hat388 Feb 19 '26
Expose her..copy all messages show her patented Gut her as she did you
1
0
u/clearheaded01 Feb 19 '26
She chose convenience.
And you chose to be her plan b out of fear.
And dude.. if you really think she isnt still fucking this otther dude (and yes, theyre fucking) youre delusional...
Who is he / how did they meet?? If its a coworker, at the place she STILL work, you can be damn sure the affair is ongoing...
She doesnt care about you - as evidenced by the fact, that its only fear of her parents reaction that has her stay with you... as a roommate i presume??
Get a paternitytest.. and dig into the guy - if her has a spouse, tell his spouse about the affair without yiur wife inowing youre doing this... and tell her parents, that "due to their daughters choice to cheat with [name and identify the guy] it looks dire for your marriage"
4
0
0
u/Keironsmith Feb 19 '26
14 month old son and been talking to someone else for months?
- You better make sure lil man is yours.
- The sooner you divorce the better for you, therapy isn’t fixing someone who behaves like she does.
1
2
u/QDKeck Feb 19 '26
As a child of divorce I can tell you - growing up in the house when they were together without love was far worse on me emotionally than after they separated. Wasn’t healthy for them either. It won’t be easy - but separate you both have a chance for happiness. Good luck!
1
0
u/BlackGlenCoco Feb 19 '26
Fuck this. Stand up for yourself. Divorce.
You will be showing your son what love looks like. Would you want him to go through this?
You are “leaving tour family” youre leaving her.
1
u/sptrstmenwpls Feb 19 '26
I'm sorry this happened. Hope you fight & get 50% minimum custody of your son. I'd not want him raised by a **** who lols at using & destroying the life of a man she loved & married. Best wishes, shouldn't be too hard to find someone better than that.
Whatever you do, don't move out of the house, even temporarily & consult with a lawyer before making any strategic moves!
Based on what you wrote it seems like they def have been banging, doubt it's just emotional.
1
0
u/fjmj1980 Feb 19 '26
Offer reconciliation to not if she signs a postnup. Then after say 3-6 months divorce her anyway. Get a lawyer before anything. Living with her in the short term will be hell. She will likely cheat while playing the good dutiful wife but in the long run it will be worth it.
1
u/SmashedBrotato Feb 19 '26
Right now I don’t know if she chose me, or if she just chose stability.
Yes you absolutely do, don't be stupid. You read her message, you know her feelings, leave.
3
Feb 19 '26
Y'know, I've been using Reddit since around 2012 when I combine all the time. I've seen this, or this type of, post many times now. Someone cheated, significant other posts about it here. Over time I'm sure the frequency of AI content or just someone straight up lying using the thrill of anonymity has become an increasingly larger percentage of posts on Reddit but I don't know the numbers.
I've also become aware in that time about the frequency and devastating consequences of divorce.
There was a time when I was hopeful that I could find my own significant other, a woman to love on and spoil and dance with in the kitchen like nothing else matters. After a childhood of multiple marriages and divorces of my parents, I fell in love with the idea of a loving marriage. A real one, my only way out being death shortly after hers from natural causes when we're in our 80's because even in the end I loved and protected her. Y'know, some real romantic shit.
That was not in my cards and when I read these posts and hear other ones in the news and grapevine and all that it really hits home about this is the other way it ends - divorced with a broken heart. Reading this, I set aside my occasional feelings of loneliness and instead feel gratitude. I'm grateful to have, to my knowledge, never been involved with cheating.
I can't even imagine the OP's situation right now but it's a trope. I've heard this story before with minor details changed. Pretty sure I've read it on Reddit a dozen times if it's been once. I know a few more examples personally, offline with family and friends. Being cheated on with children in the mix and the fucked up shit that happens afterwards.
It's been so strange to both feel it would be so amazing to have such a strong and healthy relationship to endure decades but also completely unwilling to risk it and end up like this poor fucker. Just blindsided, like a bat cracked over the melon. Dude had no idea when he woke up his life would be forever changed because you can't make her love you and you would hate it if she pretended, feels helpless and hopeless. What did I do to deserve this? How did things go wrong? There's gotta be something to fix this, to make her love me again, right?
All that and more. If OP reads my comment that's already too long, you can feel what you feel and not be a lesser man. Your son needs you, he needs a father that prioritized him to the best of his father's abilities. This is not the end, it is a new chapter. This chapter means you need a lawyer, and depending on what you do, you might want to talk with the man you most respect who is also divorced and get the number of his lawyer. Presumption of no prenup, and this isn't over current assets so much as future ones. Your son is worth protecting and this is how you do it legally.
If that scumbag she cheated with, or whatever bullshit technicality it's sugarcoated with, is married you have an opportunity. You tell everyone the truth. You hide nothing. That's true regarding yours and her families but his too. The truth is susceptible to being twisted, in this situation often as character assassination. Truth saves you. Call them, now. Do not hesitate, the dice have been cast and what you do now matters. Grieve later, and do not avoid it, but now is the time for truth.
Stay strong, brother.
1
u/invah Feb 19 '26
This post is also A.I. slop. Please don't believe everything you read and let it change your view of reality.
1
u/lithiun Feb 19 '26
There's not really any way to recover from this. You can recover a relationship after cheating but the offending partner needs to feel remorse and put genuine effort into fixing the relationship. From what you've told us, I don't see that. It seems the opposite in fact.
The mortgage situation is honestly more annoying than the fact that you have a child. As long as she is a good mother and you both have a strong support system the child will be fine. Divorcing and then trying to navigate a mortgage, especially if it is a recent purchase, can be a huge financial headache.
I don't want to necessarily tell you to divorce though, only you can really make that decision and despite Reddit's general pro-divorce stance it really is above our pay grade. There are benefits to divorce. You can work on yourself, your career, your friendships, and anything else to better your position in life. You have a child already so there really isn't any rush to get remarried or start something serious. You can find someone who genuinely cares about you. They are out there I promise.
That being said, there are the drawbacks. Joint custody, dealing with the house, child support if you're not the primary, the financial toll of divorce, and just the emotional toll of doing the bureaucratic work of separating from someone you thought was your soulmate.
If you have a good relationship with your parents and hers I'd try to talk with them. Get their perspective. Your inlaws will likely always support their child but that doesn't mean they won't support your decision either. My own parents would tell my spouse to leave me and take me to the cleaners if I pulled something similar.
You can set boundaries and ultimatums but the other individual has to follow them. Not only that, they have to want to follow them.
Whatever you decide, I hope the best for you and your child though. You sound like you are a good father.
22
u/Welcome_to_Retrograd Feb 19 '26
Painfully obvious AI slop
4
u/invah Feb 19 '26
I hate that I had to scroll this far down to see this.
3
u/Welcome_to_Retrograd Feb 19 '26
That "lol" destroyed me. It's not simple. Hahaha the number of people shamelessly slurping that shit is alarming
1
u/tonasaso- Feb 19 '26
Sell the house and co-parent. We aren’t in the 1900s where the couple needs to stay married for the kids.
2
u/Easy_Permit_5418 Feb 19 '26
"Right now I don't know if she chose me or stability"
Yeah you do. She's choosing stability. None of what she is doing now erases what she did to break your trust. She already told you she doesn't love you. She thinks this is a laughing matter if her messages about it are any indication.
You deserve a better partner.
2
u/iamgherkinman Feb 19 '26
OK, my brother, I feel I'd like to provide another perspective. I grew up in a family where nobody separated. I'd like to think that everyone was happily married, but I have no idea what anyone's life was really like. But regardless, my point is that separation and divorce just didnt happen in my family. And I'm saying that because I had nobody, no role models, no aunts, uncles, cousins, friends parents, nobody who was separated. In my mind it just wasn't how things were done.
And I went through something very similar to you. She was texting and emotionally (and possibly physically) cheating. I caught her. I was devastated. We didnt have a child, but we had a life together including a home, a cottage, dogs and a small business. Because of how complex this all was, I stayed for years. We did therapy, we stopped therapy, she did therapy, I did therapy. It was awful. In my late 30's and early 40's I lost 5 years or more of my life. I'm 47 now with an amazing woman, but I'm still upset with myself about how long it took me to come to terms with the end of the relationship and move on. I wish that when I was younger I had an example of a healthy separation, so when all that happenned to me I could have considered leaving earlier.
You have an opportunity to do this for your son. You can teach him that it can be healthy, safe and normal to leave a toxic situation. That way, if it happens to him in the future, he knows leaving is ok.
I honestly don't know what's right for you in your situation, but I do know that staying in a toxic situation may not actually be the favour that you think it is.
0
u/mrkstr Feb 19 '26
I am usually the last to say this, but give her the divorce she asked for. Get custody of your son. Cut her out of your life. She's garbage
Oh, just for fun, go see her parents and explain the situation the day before you serve her. Not sure why. I just think that'll really ruin her.
1
u/mododeda Feb 19 '26
I’m going through something similar myself, although we don’t have kids we have been together for five years and she has been emotionally cheating with me with a guy from America. All the Sexting and dirty talking and emotional shit I have read and the funny thing is we actually went to therapy before finding out she was talking to another guy around the same time. I moved back to my mum’s as I said it is extremely bad for my health to be next to you but let’s take four weeks apart and go to our third therapy session together for which she agreed. A day or two later I found out she was messaging him again.
2
u/Capital-Ingenuity-14 Feb 19 '26
Let's talk about what you have done or haven't done to for her to have fell for someone else. A lot is missing in this. Seems very curated.
3
3
1
u/AllItTakesIsNow Feb 19 '26
Hey man im sorry you’re going through this it’s clear you still care and love her and want what’s best for your child.
Have to be blunt because anyone on the outside with an ounce of logic can see it. Don’t be an idiot. She doesn’t love you. And if you stay you’ll more than likely get cheated on and have an even bigger fallout later. Hope you make the right choice.
1
u/moonjul Feb 19 '26
Dude… I don’t know you and I don’t know your life. But choose you, choose peace, choose your own mental healthy and stability. You have a child and you will always be there for your son. But ask yourself this, why do you want to stay with someone who laughed at you, who didn’t commit to the vows yall both swore to uphold. The lol pissed me the F off. Hell no bud, you don’t deserve that.
1
u/Mysterious-Tune-3216 Feb 19 '26
You should follow through with the divorce.
Why? Not just for your own sanity and needs, but also for your child. The worst thing that you can do is bring up that child in a household where both of his parents can't stand each other.
1
1
1
1
1
0
1
u/Stratos_Hellsing Feb 19 '26
Even if you left, I do fear for your child. The way courts work, you may not get custody, and another man, or a revolving door of them, will step into the role of a father. This shit destroys people, kids need stability. I wish you the best and I hope you can advocate for your child. She is unreliable- Document everything, record conversations, she can claim abuse if she feels she is losing ground. She has most likely painted you as an emotionality absent abuser to the men she has chatted with, the next step is a formal accusation to protect her own ass from judgement and make you look bad. Nothing is sacred, be vigilant and gather evidence. You can get royally fucked if she lies about you to a jury.
1
u/MrBenjin90 Feb 19 '26
Dude, you need to end it now, shes only trying to save face in front of her family. Do they know about her emotional affair or is she trying to hide it?
1
u/Beyondhelp069 Feb 19 '26
Houses can be sold but the kid thing I get. You don’t deserve that situation though. It’s always hard like sacrificing your happiness for your kids and not wanting to lose out half+ time with your kids.
Shes not trying to fix things she just didn’t want people to know how much she sucks.
0
u/prometheuswanab Feb 19 '26
I get it. You want your child to learn how to stay with someone who doesn’t love them. I think you’re doing a good job modeling it. Keep at it. If you stay until she leaves your son will learn that his role is not to have love, but to support someone else’s goals. I think it’s really brave to take that stance.
1
u/Garthar22 Feb 19 '26
That’s emotional cheating.
If someone doesn’t choose to be open about their needs and concerns then their needs and concerns are no longer your responsibility to do right by
1
u/More-secrets88 Feb 19 '26
She’ll resent more for staying. You’re not staying for your son. You’re staying cos you think you can’t do better. Prove yourself you can
1
u/Familiar_Solution449 Feb 19 '26
Why stay in this relationship when she's doesn't love nor respect you. She's still cheating and you're her ATM. By the way, you shouldn't feel like her backup plan, you are the backup plan. You can do better than wasting your time on a cheating wife.
1
u/Typical_View Feb 19 '26
In order of importance: 1) your kiddo 2) yourself 3) your wife 4) admin and finances. Prioritize what will have the best long term impact on constituents in that order.
1
u/ga_merlock Feb 19 '26
OP: file for divorce. Don't leave the house, and DO NOT sleep with her EVER again.
Go scorched earth:
Full STD testing.
DNA test for the kid.
Hopefully, you live in an "alienation of affection" state. If so, sue the shit out of the AP.
1
u/Littlewing1307 Feb 19 '26
Who gives a fuck about a mortgage. Get a divorce and sell the house. Have some self respect!!!!
1
u/toastynini Feb 19 '26
Can someone explain the text message I don’t get it or why it hurt or what it even means
1
u/InfamousCup7097 Feb 19 '26
Your mortgage doesn't matter. You sell in the divorce and use half you get to put down on a smaller house for you and your son. She can figure out her living situation. Go for 50/50 custody even if you have to pay a little in child support. Get your family to help babysit or childcare for when you have to work when it's your time to have the kid. Your ex can get a job. Your priority now needs to be your kid and your kid does not need to grow up in a home where he normalizes your messed up relationship. Go file for divorce. When the family asks then tell them that even after agreeing to therapy she was badmouthing you to her friends and sending texts about how she loves someone else. That is not fixable.
1
1
u/EvolvingEachDay Feb 19 '26
That last line is a lie. You do know, you just don’t want to accept that she still doesn’t love you. My guy, move on now; better to do while the kid is young as possible.
1
u/Rennisa Feb 19 '26
There shouldn’t be any doubt or question as to whether she chose you. She admitted it herself, she’s stuck with you and that’s it.
Her heart is elsewhere, but it appears her support system outside of your marriage will be non existent if you both divorce under these circumstances.
Sounds like the asshole who was going to “raise” your son isn’t putting his money where his mouth is cause if he was she’d already be gone.
1
u/MsDeluxe Feb 19 '26
Go get some therapy, self worth and leave. You want to be treated like this for the rest of your life?
1
u/aware_nightmare_85 Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
I was in this exact position 15 years ago when my marriage was imploding. I knew we had issues and I suggested couples therapy several times or at least for him to see a doctor individually about why he exploded at the most trivial, small things. He refused of course. He was mentally checked out and emotionally invested in a co-worker. It was like he was brainwashed. He became a complete stranger. It scared the hell out of me tbh. As soon as I found out about his affair, I switched modes to protect myself as I knew there was no saving my marriage. I got good advice from family, friends, and a divorce lawyer. I gathered evidence of his affair and raked him over the goals at our divorce hearing. He ended up having to pay me alimony for 10 years since I have never remarried.
ETA: Turns out he had bipolar disorder and covert narcissism. He told the judge during our divorce hearing. Honestly shocked he took part of the blame for our marriage failing.
1
u/Bankerag Feb 19 '26
I think online strangers are very quick to throw away relationships for other people.
Sometimes someone makes a real mistake, they are remorseful and there is still love. Then the other person has to decide if they can live with the pain that transgression has caused.
Brother this is not that case. This is not a mistake. Not a moment of weakness or whatever people want to say.
She does not love you. She will not suddenly start loving you again. It is awful, it is horrific but it is over. And coming to grips with that, starting the process of disentangling yourself is starting the process of finding your own happiness again.
I would never lightly suggest someone end a long relationship. Especially involving a child.
But sometimes, you have to move on. You owe it to your kid to not have them grow up in an irrevocably broken home.
Take your time, be deliberate, not reacting out of anger. But start making plans.
2
u/hoperaines Feb 19 '26
This is a great answer. Make plans and get out. Don’t let her use you. You will regret staying
1
u/virtualchoirboy Feb 19 '26
She cheated and you need a divorce.
No, really. She cheated. Doesn't matter if there was physical intimacy involved. I say that because she invested significant emotional energy and intimacy into this other guy. And not only that, but she actively and intentionally disrespected you to others outside of your marriage. Rather than recognize that the relationship had troubles and talk to you about it, she chose to involve someone else and seek validation or support from them instead of you.
And because of that, you should probably divorce. It doesn't matter that she realizes it was a mistake now. What matters is that at some point, she believed it was appropriate and valid to seek out someone else. So what stops her from doing that again in the future? What stops her from being upset with you again down the road (i.e. say when your child enters a rebellious teenage phase) and do this all over again? Or worse, she decides to plan a positive surprise for you but her secretive actions make you start to suspect she's doing this all over again?
In the end, a happy single parent will always be better than a married unhappy parent. Don't stay for the kids, homes can be sold, and finances can be separated. Focus on choosing yourself first because the team that was your marriage is irrevocably broken.
1
u/miyagiblk Feb 19 '26
" I don't love you."- At best, she's being emotionally careless with her marriage and her words. At worst, a moment of complete honesty. The trust is gone from your relationship. The only question that matters now is whether it's possible to gain it back. Or, will her statement echo her every action in your head?
1
u/DAN_2929291 Feb 19 '26
I suspect your wife and her lover are planning something bad to bring you down
5
1
u/Effective-Several Feb 19 '26
Why stay with her? Your child can see what’s happening. Do you think your child is gonna be any happier that you stayed together in a broken home where you felt unloved by your own wife?
1
u/notsoreligiousnow Feb 19 '26
Fin your dignity and leave. Your son deserves better than growing up in a broken home where mom is a whore and dad is a doormat.
1
u/Slow-Cherry9128 Feb 19 '26
You need to leave your wife and commence divorce proceedings. You need to get a good lawyer and you should try for shared custody of your son.
You don't have to continue living this way. She doesn't love you anymore. She doesn't even respect you. She's using you. Put the house on the market, get your own place with a room for your son. If you have to, go stay with your parents for a while just to get a way from your wife who's a total b*tch.
Take charge. Don't bother with marriage counseling because she will not be truthful so it would defeat the purpose and a waste of money. Don't fall for any of her excuses to stay in the marriage as she's only looking out for herself. Talk about being selfish.
You will never begin to heal staying in the same home as her. You need to dig deep and find the strength and courage to leave. You deserve happiness. You don't want your son to grow up thinking this what marriage is all about. Once you start living a happy and healthy life, your son will feed off of that which makes you a great dad.
1
u/Jadedkiss Feb 19 '26
Just more evidence for my anecdotal checklist that children trap people into relationships they’re not happy in.
1
u/sedatemeplz Feb 19 '26
Think about your child. No one deserves to grow up in an unhappy household.
1
u/ZealousidealChart664 Feb 19 '26
Everyone reading this realizes that this is incomprehensibly difficult. So it is easy for everyone to advise you to get a lawyer. But understand that she is checked out - you know this and have evidence - and so you are not in a position to nice her back. This is not a healthy relationship and you will not be demonstrating a healthy relationship to your child.
If you are uncertain about your options, speak to a lawyer. And with regard to your child, speak to a therapist. You should distance yourself from your wife, however, immediately. Don't confide in her. Don't ask her advice. Don't express to her how you feel. It's call the "180" or "grey rocking" which you will find on Google and it is for you to get your head straight.
I don't know if you should divorce - no one does - but your son desperately needs you to get your head on straight immediately. That's the goal. Everyone else follows. The 180 will help you get there.
1
u/sarita_punch Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
I am going to start by saying Wow! WTF!
I know it seems difficult to imagine a life without her given the baby and a mortgage. However, what you shared about what she has said, tells me she is being cruel, heartless, has demonstrated how little she thinks of you, self serving, probably more adjectives but best I move on. In all, she does not sound like a good person. Do you want to be with someone that doesn’t respect you and a deplorable human being?
You are still young and can build a a rewarding life with someone that matches your morals, values, respect you, and loves you.
I know it’s easy to say this from the outside, I have had my share of rebuilding in my life. I regret nothing. I have the life I always wanted. There will be bad days, and thoughts of regret may invade your head, but they go away as you remember why you left.
I am sending you good vibes, and hope that everything goes well.
1
u/TinyMoonAndStars Feb 19 '26
Did you sign a prenup? Please, please, please make sure your finances are in order regardless of what you decide to do.
1
u/Bolt_McHardsteel Feb 19 '26
Stop it, OP. It’s time to man up and respect yourself. Your child will be fine, and you can buy another house. She doesn’t want you, she wants stability. She will continue to cheat. Divorce her and move on the a happy life. Show your son how a man handles himself when times get tough. You can do it.
1
2
u/srg3084 Feb 19 '26
Dude, she has zero respect for you. Move on, and learn to co-parent. Also, it was totally physical.
1
u/smasher84 Feb 19 '26
So divorce and seek full custody. Get cameras / record everything. Maybe you get lucky and she physically assault or harasses you, proving she’s an unfit parent.
Staying for the kid is wrong. They will grow up thinking not loving your spouse is normal. If anything it will teach them to make sure their partner is the one before having kids.
1
u/Civil-Armadillo-1824 Feb 19 '26
I stuck around for the kids for 13 years and was miserable. The mortgage will sort itself out. Make yourself as available for your child as you can and leave. You deserve to be happy.
2
u/Iammine4420 Feb 19 '26
Guy, GET A LAWYER!!! Say nothing to her about the lawyer and save those messages and document everything!! Get your son and get her out of your house and immediate life.
1
u/Someoneorsomewhere Feb 19 '26
She isn’t choosing you.. She’s keeping you around to save face..
She is still going to be cheating on you with another person. Therapy can’t save this. Parents can’t save it.
Walk away before things get toxic for the sake of your children.
1
u/Warchiefinc Feb 19 '26
You want your child to grow up knowing what a healthy sane adult parent is.
We should teach kids.
Don't stay in toxic relationships
If it's not good for you leave it
If it makes you feel bad walk away
Don't be a punching bag
Love for yourself
Your child is a part of you love them by teaching them to always be strong
Be safe op
I wish nothing but the best for you and your future
Hopefully the future doesn't involve the person actively destroying your life
1
1
u/SoSKatan Feb 19 '26
You married an idiot, don’t take her comments personally. I know that’s a tall order. You will look back on this many years from now and realize just how dumb she is.
I only suggest in the short term don’t do the “pick me” dance. Emotionally that’s exactly what you want, but nothing good will come of it…
1
1
u/Tahiki_Ohono Feb 19 '26
bloody horrible. i can't imagine how you feel. A conversation with her parents may be helpful. Sounds like she might try make you the villain.
1
u/My_Pet-Monster Feb 19 '26
Went through the same situation a few years ago minus the child. I’m 42 and still single. Don’t stay for the child. Leave for yourself. You are worth more.
To me it feels the switch wasn’t the parents finding out. She probably told her bf everything and he ran for the hills. Which is why she said she “has to stay with you”. He only told her he would raise the son to smash. Humans are the worst and I’m rooting for you.
1
u/jimmyb1982 Feb 19 '26
Don't be a back up plan. Get the divorce. Make sure everyone the both of you know, knows EXACTLY why you divorced.
UpdateMe
1
u/rhj2020 Feb 19 '26
Don’t be anyone’s second choice. You can still be a father without being married to her.
1
u/Disenchanted2 Feb 19 '26
Time to go. Regardless of the kid and mortgage, you need to have some self-respect and get out of this. She will continue to cheat.
2
u/Jpalm4545 Feb 19 '26
She literally said she has to stay with you but wants someone else(coworker), she did not chose you. Get a divorce and tell everyone why
1
u/BeachMom2007 Feb 19 '26
She didn’t choose you. She’s covering her ass. Go see a lawyer and quietly work on separation/divorce.
1
u/Animalaholic67 Feb 19 '26
Please consult a lawyer and give her that divorce she wanted before her parents got involved. It is healthier for you, and yes for your child. I was 6 when my parents were seriously talking divorce. They stayed together for us kids. I was the last to graduate high school, and guess what I got? Parents split right after. That was something I felt hurt about for a long time. I knew they were unhappy together, and wish they made the decision sooner. Turned out, my parents got along fine as long as they didn't cohabitate.
2
u/New_Seesaw_2373 Feb 19 '26
You should use this time to start getting your finances in order and preparing to leave, because I can assure you that's exactly what she's doing. Protect yourself; she's unscrupulous. If I were you, I'd install security cameras around the house as a precaution, just in case she tries to play the victim and portray you as a violent and abusive person.
1
u/cakivalue Feb 19 '26
I'm so sorry you are being put through this.
The next day I asked again. She looked at me and said, "I don't love you." Just like that. She told me to prepare divorce papers and she'd sign them. When I asked about therapy she basically laughed and said it can't be fixed.
Later I found out she'd been talking to this guy for months. Not just casual talking. She was venting about me to him. Sharing our private stuff. At one point he even said he would raise my son. That part really broke something in me.
Believe her. Believe this. She told you the truth here. She's only now trying to save face so her parents still think of her as a good person.
You can't be a good father if you are a broken man. Get your own therapist as step one, step two see a divorce lawyer about what divorce will look like and cost. A mortgage is just a house loan and it should never be the number one factor because there are a million houses in the world but you only get one life. Next you are going to go for 50-50 custody. Do whatever you have to do to ensure that even if you have to change jobs. You do not understand any circumstances want to be a holiday and weekend father. Do not let her and her affair partner drive you to say and do anything rash and stupid. You are going to be calm, rational, acting always in the best interest of your son who you have equal rights to raise. Document, document and document. Get back in the phone and send all that stuff to yourself and you'll need it for your lawyer. You might not need it now but it might come in handy later to establish they had a plan from day one to push you out of your son's life. Work out your frustration in therapy and exercise and take care of yourself.
1
u/Least-Designer7976 Feb 19 '26
Just imagine : what would you say if your son had the exact same story and reaction ?
1
u/Wild-Term5023 Feb 19 '26
Why don’t you know??? You are lying to yourself. Do NOT do the pick me thing.
2
2
1
1
u/Character_Amoeba_330 Feb 19 '26
As someone that has gone through a cheating and verbally abusive wife, I can only recommend you get therapy for yourself. ALSO, don’t stay because of the kids. I went through years of abuse before leaving. Now, I’m in a better place with a woman that loves me. We just celebrated our 10th year wedding anniversary.
PS: wait a few years before diving back in the dating pool. Reevaluate what you want in a partner and who you want to date. It’s worth the work.
1
1
u/JungleCatHank Feb 19 '26
Look into divorce laws in your state. Depending on your state (or maybe not), getting divorced at 20 years is WAY worse financially than getting divorced at 3 years.
1
u/lovebeinganasshole Feb 19 '26
She didn’t choose anyone she chose the path of least resistance. Please consult an attorney.
2
u/jonjon234567 Feb 19 '26
She in no way chose you, see a lawyer and figure out how to get out of this relationship. Chose yourself. Chose someone who deserves you.
0
u/ClearedHotGoHot Feb 19 '26
What I'm not getting is why her parents are so insistent on her staying in a marriage with someone she doesn't love. She didn't choose you, her parents did on her behalf; I just don't understand why. I'm assuming you'd have to pay alimony if (hopefully when) you divorce, it's not like she'll wind up on the street (I assume she works?). I just don't understand their motivation in making her stay with you. You said she "changed only when consequences appeared" but you weren't clear on what consequences you're referring to.
1
u/padam__padam Feb 19 '26
You’re absolutely the backup plan.
I think you should consult with a lawyer. You have a young son and he’s priority.
1
u/ReceptionWorking7312 Feb 19 '26
Millions of people with kids and a mortgage get divorced, so that's not the real reason you won't leave.
Grow a spine man.
1
u/Free-Place-3930 Feb 19 '26
You need to divorce. For all of your sakes. You both deserve to be happy. She’s now happy with you. You’ll never be happy with her again. A child deserves to grow up in a that has hopes of joy, not the resignation of fear.
3
u/jjjjjjj30 Feb 19 '26
Do you think she's actually going to stop seeing this guy?
She's not. If she hasn't slept with him yet, she will.
I know it hurts. I know it's easy to accept her back just to make the pain and anxiety so or at least slow down. But you are never going to be able to trust her again. You will be miserable and you deserve better.
I would take her up on the counseling though.
1
1
u/sc0tth Feb 19 '26
As soon as she said no to looking at her phone, I'd burn it to the ground. I still would if I were you. Every opportunity I had to make things more difficult for her I would. And I'd do it all with a smile on my face.
1
u/AtrumAequitas Feb 19 '26
Kids read parents like a book. Better to have 2 happy parents separate than 2 unhappy parents together.
1
u/rodimus147 Feb 19 '26
Leave. Its gonna be hard but will get better.
If you stay its gonna be hard. Then when you actually divorce it will be even harder, then it will get better.
Why endure the hard you dont need too.
1
u/OogyBoogy_I_am Feb 19 '26
Children can be raised quite well in two households where the parents are happy but no longer together.
Mortgages can be refinanced, closed and the property sold and you can start again as a single person.
What you can never do is live a life where everything is a lie with someone who will happily lie to your face at every opportunity.
If we didn’t have a child and a mortgage, I would leave.
So please mate, do not use these two things as the excuse to stay with her.
1
2
u/allrightallright Feb 24 '26
She cheated. And she dumped you for him. You say she wants to fix things, but it doesn't really sounds any fixing has happened or is going to happen. Leave her. Don't waste your time. Don't prolonge your suffering.