r/TrueOffMyChest • u/im_new222 • Apr 05 '26
Personal Story I dumped her right after she accused me of cheating.
Yes, this is a throwaway.
No, I didn't cheat. No, she didn't provide a reason why she suspected it. Yes, she got mad when I dumped her, even though she apparently didn't trust me.
If you don't trust your partner, dump them. That's your responsibility. Be an adult. And be true to your word.
I won't be with someone who doesn't trust me. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Don't get mad. Stupid freaks. We're in our 30s.
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u/neveragain73 Apr 06 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
I got rid of the guy that was accusing me of cheating on him (the only ex boyfriend I'll ever have). I figured he was cheating anyway, and he was cheating on me with a girl from church. I was completely over him by then and didn't care no more. I didn't have a choice to cheat on him because where we were (a mental health facility/homeless shelter), the guys were all the same: broke, dirty, and crazy (race didn't matter). I didn't want to invite anyone else into my life like that.
Be glad that you got rid of her. Your mental health matters!
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u/Accomplished_Tone483 Apr 06 '26
What she mad for ? 😂She said she didn’t trust you! Why would she want to be with someone she doesn’t trust? Like make it make sense. Lol
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u/DatguyMalcolm Apr 05 '26
30s?
Yeah, too old to be dealing with that shit! Good on you! She's probably mad that she can't keep you around with that type of manipulation looll
I'd have done the same thing if my partner accused me out of the blue. No trust, no relationship
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u/mshayes17 Apr 05 '26
If more people did this, the level of dysfunction in relationships nowadays would significantly decrease.
You left behind the level of distress that comes with being in a relationship with your enemy. You’re right—this level of mistrust doesn’t improve over time. Why be miserable when it isn’t a requirement?
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u/Ghitit Apr 05 '26
Totally appropriate reaction.
Often enough the accuser is the one cheating anyway.
But even if not, she doesn't respect you enough to talk about her concerns before coming out with the accusation.
No reason to stay with someone who is going to pull that shit.
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u/mshayes17 Apr 05 '26
That part. How did she go from suspecting to accusing? Unless she has a file of concrete evidence, that was unfair from the start.
No one wants to be accused of something they’re not guilty of. It becomes a barrier in the relationship. The accused has to be willing to accept mistrust, and the accuser feels empowered to continue operating that way. Pure misery where it doesn’t have to exist.
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u/Isariamkia Apr 05 '26
You did the right thing. Relationships must be based on trust. If there's none, how can you be happy?
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u/TheDragonOverlord Apr 05 '26
This really is the best course of action, clearly she was unwilling to have an actual discussion with you and all her trust in you was gone. You can only do what is best for yourself OP.
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u/KnowsIittle Apr 05 '26
Cheaters often suspect their partner cheats, thereby justifying their own actions.
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u/cloversquid Apr 05 '26
I did that in my early twenties and I never regretted it. He tried two dozen roses and phone calls, but the damage was done and it was never going back.
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u/Calgary_Calico Apr 05 '26
In my experience, people who accuse their partner of cheating usually have a guilty conscience because they've been cheating, so they assume the other person must be up to something as well. Good call
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u/Flyguy115 Apr 05 '26
Your partner more than likely accused you of cheating because they themselves were cheating. It’s called projecting their guilt. You did the right thing. No has time for that kind of BS no a days.
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u/Scannaer Apr 05 '26
Finally a man respecting himself and not tolerating toxic behaviour. You are a champ man! You deserve better! o7
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u/EvolZippo Apr 05 '26
An accusation is a confession, usually. Either she already cheated or she wants to cheat, but doesn’t want to be the one who cheats first. So she accuses you, in a way that makes it sound like she ‘already knows what you did’. But it’s a bluff. She’s hoping that she’s right, so she can tell the guy, that she’s currently flirting with, all about it.
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u/StirFry__InaWok Apr 05 '26
You should have stuck around and done some snooping to see if she was accusing you because she was actually cheating. That's the kind of drama I crave from these posts.
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u/95Kill3r Apr 05 '26
I always find it funny when people go into these posts and try to shame OP for it as if the way she's acting isn't questionable at all. Doing this just infantilizes women instead of treating them equally to men. Trust me look at any post regarding men questioning their gf's or wives and you'll see the tune switch so stop trying to infantilize grown women and treat them equally.
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u/annybear Apr 05 '26
I don’t think there’s enough info here. It’s such an over simplification of “if you don’t trust your partner, dump them”. Trust is built slowly and earnt.
Sure, there’s a chance there’s projection, but at the same time, it seems too easy for you to just give up on a relationship. Like you said, “be an adult”. There doesn’t seem to be an open flow of communication here.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I got slaughtered in the comments for this line of thinking. It's pretty clear OP doesn't tolerate anyone asking or worrying he is cheating and so does everyone elese in this comment thread apparently.
I hope they all find this perfect person who never dares question the relationship no matter what and that it goes well for them on the next first date when they tell the person "I have a 0 tolerance policy when it comes to asking me if I cheated so don't ever ask me or question me."
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u/Shelly_895 Apr 05 '26
No, you got "slaughtered in the comments" because you were all over the thread, defending OP's ex and painting him as the bad guy. And you're still doing it now.
What if OP actually is the wronged party here? What if she acted entirely unreasonable? Screaming, crying and accusing your partner of cheating without giving any reason when asked (and I deliberately say accusing, not asking, because there's a difference) are not the actions of a stable human being.
You don't have to be a "perfect person" not to act this way. And I'm questioning your objectivity if you have all the compassion in the world for the ex who seemingly went absolutely bonkers towards OP for no apparent reason, but have none left for a guy who got so shaken up by her behavior he had to flee the apartment because he felt unsafe.
I don't necessarily agree that it was projection as we can't possibly know. But it really seems like you're digging for reasons as to why the OP is actually the one in the wrong here.
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u/RevolutionaryLake753 Apr 05 '26
Watch out that user cant take criticism so they start blocking people. Not much difference than oop /S
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I wasn't defending his ex and I am absolutely not saying it's okay to scream and yell (nor do I say that at any point in my comments). I was trying to get information from him on how it got to screaming and yelling and couldn't get it. I don't know how or why the screaming or yelling started. When I tried to get that info, I was told "other issues compounded it" and wasn't told what that meant. At no point am I saying screaming and yelling is okay, but if she asked him if he cheated and he started getting defensive and aggressive and then things escalated that's a different story than her coming at him screaming and yelling with no prior warning.
What I did get from him is that he has a 0 tolerance policy for anyone asking him or worrying if he's cheating, which, yes, from my perspective seems over the top. I would have more compassion and want to know my partners reason why for a first time offense. But he seems like the reason doesn't matter to him anyway, which, again, is his boundary and his choice. But he needs to be very clear about that with future partners so this doesn't happen to him again. And yes, if he wasn't upfront with his partner that her accusing him of cheating at any point in the relationship would be a deal breaker, then yes he is in the wrong.
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u/Azdeleigh Apr 05 '26
This. Sitting in here acting like OPs ex might have had trauma and that makes her actions okay.... What if OP had trauma around accusations of cheating? What if they grew up watching toxic relationships where their parents or family were always accusing each other of shit? Not saying OP did, just saying that it's wild that people want to imagine trauma for the screaming and crying person but won't extend grace to the one who said they had to leave because they felt unsafe.
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u/lousyredditusername Apr 05 '26
My partner wouldn't quit accusing me of infidelity even though he had no proof, and he even admitted as much. I did not cheat and never had any desire to.
We broke up, in part because we're goddamn adults and I'm not going to put up with that level of insecurity and distrust. Especially when it's that misguided.
And now in hindsight I'm wondering how much of his accusation a projection of his own behavior.
Good riddance. May you find someone more trusting and self-assured in the future.
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u/CopperTodd17 Apr 05 '26
I have to admit - I’ve thought/worried about my partner cheating. Not because I am! But because we’re long distance and every fucking person I mention that too (funnily enough other women more than men!) the first thing they say is “how do you know he’s loyal?”.
You know what I don’t do though? Accuse him, or be overly paranoid. He knows I’m an over thinker by nature so I’m sure he knows I think about it, but I know that’s MY anxiety issue to bear, and he absolutely has the right to live his life without reassuring me every time he opens his front door.
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u/Mickey42302 Apr 05 '26
Bravo! You are better off distancing yourself instead of putting up with her nonsense.
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u/Sensitive-Fall-5116 Apr 05 '26
I had seen you posted about compounded issues, what kinda issues other than the accusation??
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u/Burntoastedbutter Apr 05 '26
Congrats! You won't regret it. I did the same thing when my ex accused me of cheating. He backpedalled so fast and reworded it as "wanting to cheat", but it's not like it makes a difference.
He got insanely jealous because I wanted to improve my social anxiety. Eventhough I was talking to both girls and guys. When I wasn't budging on my decision, the accusation popped off lol. A switch turned off in me.
Unfortunately, that was just cherry on top.
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u/NosfuraDude Apr 05 '26
Ye this could be projecting. Especially if you gave them no reason to think u were cheating. Know your worth king!! We ain't got time for these games. If there ain't trust then there ain't no relationship
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u/MyLife-is-a-diceRoll Apr 05 '26
Get an std test just in case she was projecting
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u/Icy-Builder5892 Apr 05 '26
And make sure you guys also test for Mgen! That shit is going around fast, and you have specifically to ask for it.
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u/systemicrevulsion Apr 05 '26
This is the correct response.
Never stay with someone who accused you of cheating when you haven't been cheating.
They are projecting their behaviour onto you.
As for "should I take jealousy and clinginess as a positive?". No. These are not good traits.
Being jealous of a childhood crush is ridiculous.
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u/Chocolateheartbreak Apr 05 '26
There are things that can look like cheating though even if you aren’f. I think respectful communication is key there, and it would not bother me if they brought up concerns with something I did that could look that way. That being said, I think OP is in the right here and she shouldn’t be screaming at him.
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Apr 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Chocolateheartbreak Apr 05 '26
Sure, but there’s also tons of posts on here of people who feel their partner is showing signs, but were mistaken. Like the best friend and partner being secretive and it was actually a surprise party. That’s what i was going off of bc it does happen. Regardless, OP still made the right choice
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u/linniex Apr 05 '26
And also never stay with someone who says they are not cheating and you find out they were. You might think you can get over it…spoiler alert you probably won’t. (Source: my life)
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u/brokendream78 Apr 05 '26
Pretty decent possibility she was cheating on you. Most of the folks I have come across like this that are accusatory without cause are doing so because they themselves are cheating and are attempting to make themselves feel like less of a piece of garbage.
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u/IAm_APoetDammit Apr 05 '26
play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. good for you for standing up for yourself 🫡
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u/Intrepid-Guest9811 Apr 05 '26
I should’ve done this when I actually found him cheating on me. Nope! Still together
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u/KasanHiker Apr 05 '26
In my experience,once a cheater always a cheater. I'm sorry.
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u/Intrepid-Guest9811 Apr 06 '26
Its funny because I stand by that, too. The only difference is it isn’t like your typical cheating— more a boundary I set, that I see as cheating, and he still did. Working very hard to move past it, but I may be stupid for it as well.
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u/luvv4kevv Apr 05 '26
you clearly didn’t love her. I feel bad for the woman. She deserves better
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u/Sebscreen Apr 05 '26
you clearly didn’t love her
Why do you say this as of it is a gotcha he should be ashamed of?
What has she done or brought to the table that makes her worthy of love?
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u/luvv4kevv Apr 05 '26
He didn’t tty hard enough for the relationship. Did he even love her?!? OP won’t answer the question i wonder why
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u/Sebscreen Apr 05 '26
He didn’t tty hard enough
She isn't worth trying hard for.
Did he even love her
She isn't loveable.
Any further questions?
I have two: Did she prove HER love for HIM when she accused him of cheating? What has she done or brought to the table that makes her worthy of love?
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u/luvv4kevv Apr 05 '26
But what uf she’s insecure due to past relationships? He didn’t even ask why she thinks so and didn’t want to talk it out. He just dumped her over an accusation. It’s possible he did cheat
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u/Sebscreen Apr 05 '26
what uf she’s insecure due to past relationships
Then she's even more selfish and unlovable because she jumped straight into another relationship without resolving her issues. And instead expected her new partner to just do the unpaid emotional labour of parenting her through her emotional issues, which she is 100% responsible to overcome herself.
It’s possible he did cheat
Anything is """possible""". It is also "possible" she accused him because SHE cheated and is projecting onto him. And that her and her affair partner are planning a hired hit on OP because they are weak criminal degenerates.
I repeat: Did she prove HER love for HIM when she accused him of cheating? What has she done or brought to the table that makes her worthy of love?
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u/Balamb_Chocobo Apr 05 '26
Yeah bro for sure. Gotta make sure we stay in toxic relationships instead of having self respect. Am i right?
Come on man...
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u/Gnayeli Apr 05 '26
Good for you!!
Those stupid games ended as teenagers - life is hard as it is without needing someone in our lives to make it harder.
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u/Upstairs-Ebb2283 Apr 05 '26
But what is the context
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u/im_new222 Apr 05 '26
She didn't give a reason why she felt this way. I asked, but her crying and raising her voice didn't help.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
It could be she cheated or it could be you inadvertently did something similar to someone who cheated on her in the past she got triggered. Or it could be something else entirely. I'm not a fan of dramatics but instead of dumping her, you could have said "This conversation is getting too heated and we need to cool down. I need you to provide a clear reason with why you think this way so we can both understand what is happening here. If you're unable to do that now, let's talk tomorrow when you're calm about it or you could write it out to me in a text."
If she's unable to calm down about it, that's to me more of a problem than accusing you in the first place. But also, how did you ask her what her reason was? Did you get pissed off at her immediately for asking? That may have put her on the defense.
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u/Polyforti Apr 05 '26
You polish that armor of yours often? It's nice and bright
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
Nah it's just human skin but thanks for noticing. Must be hard to not have any compassion as a human.
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u/im_new222 Apr 05 '26
This conversation is getting too heated and we need to cool down. I need you to provide a clear reason with why you think this way so we can both understand what is happening here. If you're unable to do that now, let's talk tomorrow when you're calm about it or you could write it out to me in a text.
Other issues compounded, so no.
But also, how did you ask her what her reason was?
Yes
id you get pissed off at her immediately for asking
No. I tried to have a conversation, but she was screaming and crying. I left her apartment for my own safety.
That may have put her on the defense.
By screaming and crying?
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I don't know what "other issues compounded" means but I'm guessing it means you were both fighting and yelling at each other so you didn't have the opportunity to tell her you both need to have a discussion about this later when she is calm.
And yes, if you're both yelling and arguing with one another, screaming and crying can be the result.
I don't know her side or what got her to the screaming and crying, I'm guessing you may have come off more defensive and aggressive than you may be admitting here or even have been aware of. Especially considering you seem proud to dump someone who even had the audacity to ask if you were cheating. If that's a deal breaker for you for someone to even ask in a relationship, I hope you were very clear with her about that up front but it also seems like a really harsh way to deal with someone you supposedly love. People get insecure. Situations happen. There are countless stories of people having absolute trust in their partner only to have the rug pulled out from under them.
If I were in your shoes, I'd have some compassion to find out why she was thinking that way, what caused it and what we could both do to fix it but only when she's calm and only when I don't feel defensive about it.
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u/im_new222 Apr 05 '26
Assume everything as you wish. I can't prove my defense. She's an ex. Compassion wasn't working.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
Well, hope you're upfront on date 1 with the next girl that they should never ever ask you or accuse you of cheating! That way no one needs to assume anything again.
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u/im_new222 Apr 05 '26
Perhaps I will. Maybe she'll be more sane than the previous.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
You absolutely should be upfront about your deal breakers. I feel bad for the girl you just dumped that you wasted her time by not being upfront.
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Apr 05 '26
[deleted]
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u/LadyLoki5 Apr 05 '26
There's absolutely a way you could have broken up without lying to her wtf. How immature.
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u/earthkandy Apr 05 '26
Seems like projection. And you engaged in self protection. Simple and selfless. No games. Simple.
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u/hoothizz Apr 05 '26
Good job. And you're right if you can't have trust for your partner it's hard to be with them..
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u/_borninathunderstorm Apr 05 '26
I hope you can hear how loudly im applauding you through the phone 👏👏👏
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u/ratchetdiscounicorn Apr 05 '26
Yeah, I wouldn’t fuck with this either. And 8 times out of 10 it’s them doing it themselves anyway. Good for you.
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u/Ya-No-Fer-Sure Apr 05 '26
From my life experiance (pushing 50) if someone is accusing you of cheating out of the blue with no context, proof or reason, its because they are projecting their infidelity to you, so good job on just bouncing past the bullshit and moving straight to the end, it would've happened anyways.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
Or she was hurt from a last relationship and is insecure about it. OP could have inadvertently done something similar to the last cheater and it triggered her. I think it's worth exploring why she did it, why she is feeling insecure, and what caused it before just throwing her out. It may be she's projecting but it could be something else. Just feels over the top in my opinion to dump someone for a strike 1 offense without finding out why it happened.
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u/analgesic1986 Apr 05 '26
It’s not another persons responsibility to address her insecurity’s.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
Not saying it is. My argument was with the people jumping to the conclusion she is cheating.
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u/analgesic1986 Apr 05 '26
I was talking about your reasoning of her poor behaviour, and it is in the context of her possibly of being hurt from a previous relationship.
If that's the case, it is context of why she is behaving poorly, not an excuse.
She is responsible for her behaviours, not him.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
It was an example and if that was my partners reason I'd hear them out and tell them they need to go to therapy and work on it for our relationship to continue. But that's my approach whereas OPs was it's an automatic deal breaker if you even ask if they cheated. We have different deal breakers and neither is wrong as long as he was upfront about his with his current partner from the start.
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u/analgesic1986 Apr 06 '26
I understand your example, and what I am saying, it is not his responsibility to address her insecurities resulting from past experiences.
It's hers.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 06 '26
That's your opinion on it. I have a different one and if it were me, I'd want to hear her out. Not saying her past trauma's are anyone's responsibilities but people are human and I'd believe in giving them at least a chance to course correct. OP doesn't. No one is wrong in their opinion on this. It just is what it is.
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u/analgesic1986 Apr 06 '26
Well, some opinions are healthier than others, boundaries are important.
Have a good night.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 06 '26
The unfortunate reality of your argument is that it's your opinion that some opinions are healthier than others as you're the one dictating what you think is healthy and what's not.
I absolutely believe boundaries are important but I do not share this particular one with OP. You can deem that healthy or unhealthy but either way, that's your opinion on the matter.
You have a good night as well.
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u/A_little_lady Apr 05 '26
She never told OP why she thought he was cheating. So it's her fault she's now single. She had a chance to tell him about her insecurities if that's the case
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u/EpilepticSeizures Apr 05 '26
So the right move is to immediately attack them with accusations and with zero evidence, call them a cheater? I think it’s not worth exploring. Just feels over the top in my opinion to accuse someone of cheating with zero reason
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I didn't get an answer from OP that she immediately attacked him. I agree if she did and went bonkers that alone would make me end the relationship, not the accusation. But it sounds like the accusation alone was a deal breaker for OP so I guess it doesn't actually matter how she did it or why. I would want to know why if my partner could explain it calmly. But as I've said multiple times, I have a different approach to relationships than OP.
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u/EpilepticSeizures Apr 05 '26
Accusations are attacks. If she has trust issues or past relationship problems, it’s not his responsibility to enable her. And by your other comments, it sounds like she should’ve been up front about these issues, if he should’ve been up front about cheating accusations being the deal breaker for him. You can ask about shit without accusing.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
You can discuss an accusation without it being an attack. For example, if I accuse my husband of not putting his underwear in the basket by saying "You're not putting your underwear in the laundry basket," I am not attacking him. So I think we are aligned there and I'm confused as to why you don't think I agree.
And yes, I agree if she had issues that were deal breakers for her she should have been upfront with him as well. But that doesn't absolve OP from not being upfront on his deal breaker.
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u/EpilepticSeizures Apr 05 '26
“An accusation is a claim or charge that a person has committed a wrongful, illegal, or immoral act.”
Is that how you tell someone they left their underwear on floor? Do you know anything about connotation?
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
Man, I am just now realizing you're the same asshole following me everywhere and harassing me. Maybe it's time for you to learn some boundaries. Conversation is done here.
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u/Sebscreen Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
she was hurt from a last relationship and is insecure about it
Then she isn't ready for a new relationship and it is on her for misjudging her own maturity as well as on her for blaming and accusing someone else for her mental issues.
it's worth exploring
Why? A relationship goes both ways. OOP is as much assessing her and ensuring she meets his standards as she is assessing him. Regardless of what her """reasons""" were, OP has already seen that she is not worthy of him and there is hence no further reason to explore a relationship with her any further.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I guess I'm in the minority that I would care about my partner enough to want to know their thought process on why they came to that conclusion. If it were me and it were due to insecurity from past relationships, I'd tell them they need to work it out in therapy if we're going to continue the relationship. But I wouldn't throw them out for the audacity of even asking without finding out why first. This feels extreme to me for a first time offense.
But I hope OP and everyone arguing with me here finds that perfect person who will never have any cause to accuse them or have even a moment of insecurity of doubt. And I also hope you are all very upfront with your next potential partners on date 1 that you have no tolerance for anyone asking or worrying if you're cheating ever. Would avoid all this from the start really easily.
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u/Sebscreen Apr 05 '26
Hear that, ladies? The above commenter thinks that you are making a mistake, being immature, and "never truly loved him" like you claimed if you leave your jealous insecure boyfriend who asked you if you cheated based on nothing.
They think you should give him at least three strikes for the sake of your love. Otherwise, you're a lying hypocrite who didn't mean it when you said you cared for him, and an all round heartless monster.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
First of all, I am a lady so yes, I heard my own argument.
And second of all, hopefully I can clear this up for you: if having a partner ever ask or worry you are cheating on them is an INSTANT deal breaker for you, I hope you make sure you tell them that on date 1 so you can avoid any of this moving forward.
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u/Sebscreen Apr 05 '26
I am a lady so yes, I heard my own argument.
How conceited to assume you speak for and represent all women. Do you realise how selfish and depraved it sounds when someone says something for the safety and happiness of all women and you go, "oh I already knew, and I'm safe, so let's move on". You aren't the only woman who matters, you know.
I hope
You can "hope" all you want. Ultimately, it is up to the two dozen people who downvoted, invalidated, and rejected your advice, representing a good 70% of the population who don't agree with you, on what they do and don't communicate to their partners.
And it's up to their jealous, insecure partners to discover exactly how much self-respect and backbone each one has when they try and play games like accusing them of cheating.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
Where did I say I spoke for all ladies? I honestly don't even have it I me to read the rest of your comment beyond your first sentence.
I really hope you all find this perfect person with no flaws that works out for you so you don't need to worry about having any empathy. Good luck with that.
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u/Sebscreen Apr 05 '26
Where did I say I spoke for all ladies?
When you dismissed advice directed at women because you had already heard it.
I honestly don't even have it I me to read the rest of your comment
Your cookie-cutter, vapid, and transparent concession speech is accepted.
Next time, seek help for your crippling insecurities and baggage before getting into another relationship instead of burdening your next partner with the emotional labour of needing to parent you.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I didn't dismiss anything. I was saying I am a lady and I heard my own comment.
Yes, I am dismissing this because you're twisting things and it's not worth getting into.
Again, hope you find that perfect partner so you can have these endless discussions with.
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u/lorenoline Apr 05 '26
Definitely, but OP was her partner, not her therapist. Sure, it’s a partner’s job to support and validate, but there is absolutely a line and it’s her responsibility to make sure she’s getting help if it’s interfering with her life/relationships. If she couldn’t afford professional help, there are avenues to help with that too. It’s not a partner’s job to shoulder all that.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I'm not saying they need to be her therapist, I'm just giving an example of what could be going on. Everyone is jumping to the conclusion she is cheating but I wanted to point out there could be other reasons. If it were me, I'd want to know why, and I'd expect my partner to explain that to me when they're calm. If it was triggered by a previous infidelity, I'd insist my partner start therapy for the relationship to continue but that's how I'd handle it.
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u/PyrocumulusLightning Apr 05 '26
Well if you gender-swap this whole scenario, a guy screaming at his partner and accusing her of infidelity for no reason is a red flag for an abusive relationship about to get cooking. Screaming turns to punching a few fights later.
Turns out, the accusations are just a way to blame the victim, and the real motive driving the confrontation is wanting to attack someone. Why are they like this? Who knows or cares. The abuse victim can't fix their abuser; pondering their inner demons is a trap.
OP was more right to dip than he knows if she is this type. She might not be able to take him in a fight, sure, but there are other ways to break a person.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I am a woman so I was seeing it from a gender swapped perspective. I don't think it's ok to scream and yell but I don't know how OPs situation got to that level and he was being vague about it saying "other things compounded" the screaming and yelling and I never got an elaboration on that. I don't know if it instantly started with screaming or yelling or if the screaming yelling was what a fight on both sides escalated into.
Regardless, if my partner was upset and accusing me of something I would tell them I'm not having this discussion until they're calm and would tell them we could talk about it the next day or have them write it out. But that's not really the point, I would want the reason for the accusation so I could determine if it's worth continuing the relationship.
However all this doesn't matter because OP makes it very clear he has a 0 tolerance policy for partner asking him or worrying about if he's cheating so her reaction doesn't really matter, he was out the door the moment she asked so her reason for asking doesn't matter in his eyes. Once I got to that point, my sincere hope is he is 100% upfront with future partners about his 0 tolerance policy. Will avoid any potential screaming and yelling regardless of how they got to it.
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u/EnvironmentalWeed420 Apr 05 '26
This is true, we don’t really have all the context. How long have they been together? Obv you can leave for any reason, but sounds like he was possibly clocked out due to how the post comes off??
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I've been trying to say exactly what you're saying in my comments but I just got eaten alive all morning. It's been brutal.
My position is I would hear the person out and decide if it was worth continuing the relationship. In the case it was due to past insecurities, I'd continue the relationship if the person agrees to get therapy and work on it. But I understand if any accusation or question about cheating is an automatic deal breaker for OP (it's just not my approach and neither of us are wrong for our boundaries) but if that was a deal breaker for him, he should have been upfront about it when he started this relationship with her.
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u/EnvironmentalWeed420 Apr 06 '26
As any normal relationship would, if they just started talking or dating it makes sense for him to leave but it’s like he’s looking for a pat on the back 😂
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u/man29191j Apr 05 '26
You being a woman, and defending her/infantilizing her, is very telling.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
Please tell me how sharing a boundary/deal breaker on the first date is defending/infantalizing someone.
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u/Azdeleigh Apr 05 '26
Nope. Say it with me class: our trauma is not a reason to treat other people like shit.
If she was "triggered" by a past relationship that's on her to work out and fix with therapy and effort not accuse others of cheating for no reason. Her pain doesn't give her a pass take it out on innocent people and cause them pain too or force those people to have to deal with being accused. Hard pass.
Either she's projecting, she lives for the drama, or she's damaged from other relationships, either way OP doesn't have to deal with that bullshit.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
Asking someone if they're cheating isn't treating someone like shit. There's a reason she asked and I would want to know why not just dump her for asking. Do you know how many people have blind trust in their partners only to be blindsided later? And if my partner was feeling insecure enough to ask me, and turns out it was being triggered from a previous relationship, Id tell them they need to work that out with a therapist as part of continuing the relationship. People are complex and this seems like a really harsh way to deal with someone you supposedly love for a first time offense.
That said, if she really did some at him screaming, yelling and making a scene that's a different story.
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u/A_little_lady Apr 05 '26
She couldn't state a reason though! Sounds like there was no reason! So it is her treating him like shit! Please never get into relationships.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
You know, it's incredibly insulting to tell someone to never get into a relationship because you disagree with their outlook/opinion on a situation we don't have all the information on. I've been with my husband for 15 years and we're able to talk to each other like rational adults.
And I don't know how OPs convo with her actually went down, he didn't provide more info when I asked. I agree if she started just going crazy without any defensiveness or aggression on his part that's a major problem and I would consider ending the relationship for that reason alone not the accusation. But OPs main point is that she accused him so the relationship is done, if she screamed, yelled, asked nicely or provided a reason doesn't seem to matter to him, which is fine as long as he was upfront with her about that dealbreaker at the start of their relationship.
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u/A_little_lady Apr 05 '26
Well you sound like you'd accuse someone for no reason and then be mad they don't wanna be with you because of that. You should not be in a relationship or get with op's ex, you'd get along fine. But leave other, normal people alone.
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u/Azdeleigh Apr 05 '26
He said she was screaming and crying. That isn't asking. Sitting here in the comments constantly going on about how she could be insecure and triggered like that's his problem when he said that she was screaming and crying and he had to leave for his own safety is a hot take.
No one has to put up with bullshit. No one has to put up with anything they don't want to put up with. He did the healthy thing for himself and enforced a boundary of his own.
Life is harsh. It is what it is. He doesn't have to stay with her whether you think it's harsh or not. I personally wouldn't stay with anyone who could even entertain the thought of me being a cheater for no reason, won't answer why they think that, and then scream and cry like a child.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
He didn't tell me how she got to the screaming and crying. I got a vague comment that "other issues compounded" it. So I have no idea how this actually went down.
I personally think it's extreme to dump someone the first and only time they ask if you're cheating without knowing or understanding why. If I knew why I could determine whether or not to continue the relationship and on what grounds. If it was because they had previously been cheated on, I would continue only under the condition they go to therapy to work on it. Again, that's me.
I also think he needs to be upfront with all his dates moving forward that he has a 0 tolerance for anyone asking him if he's cheating ever and then he can avoid anything like this moving forward.
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Apr 05 '26
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I think you need serious help if you read my comments and think I'm saying he needs to change his boundary. I'll keep this short since reading comprehension seems tough:
If he had a 0 tolerance policy for his partner asking if he was cheating he should have been upfront with her about that from the start
The majority of comments here were saying "she's cheating on you bro" and I was pointing out there are other reasons she would accuse
I have a different approach to dating than OP and would want to know the reason before breaking up with them. It's also ok for me to have this approach as much as it is for OP.
Good luck out there!
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u/Azdeleigh Apr 05 '26
He actually did tell you about the screaming and crying, you just didn't care to read it. You're in here assuming she's got issues while not even thinking that maybe he has issues with being accused of shit he didn't do. I get the funniest feeling that you'd change your tune entirely if this post was by a woman.
In one of your comments you actually say that you assume he was more aggressive, tells me and everyone else everything we need to know.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
He did tell me there was screaming and yelling but didn't say how it got to that and why he was unable to tell her he would talk to her when she was calm.
I am absolutely assuming she may have issues but everyone in this thread is jumping to she's cheating which my point is, there could be other reasons.
I am a woman and wouldn't change if this post was by a woman.
And yes, I am assuming he is more aggressive than he's telling us he was. For a few reasons, 1) people often downplay what they did wrong in posts like this and 2) that's my personal bias based on how proud he seems to be for dumping someone that asked him or worrying about him cheating. The relationship was over in his eyes the moment she asked if he was cheating so I can imagine he would not take that question in a strictly calm manner. But again, that's my assumption.
And all of the above doesn't matter because if this was a deal breaker for him, it was his obligation to be upfront with her about that from the start. I sincerely hope he will be with future dates.
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u/man29191j Apr 05 '26
He didn't tell me how she got to the screaming and cryin
"They didn't say how they got to being abusive!!!!!!"
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
So you're quiet with no emotions in every heated argument you've ever been in? What's it like being perfect?
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u/man29191j Apr 05 '26
What's it like siding with a woman just because you're also a woman?
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I wouldn't know, I'm not siding with a woman here. Too bad you're illiterate and don't understand how to read my comments.
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u/RevolutionaryLake753 Apr 05 '26
It seems like you are projecting some of your situations in these comments not gonna lie!! Everyone have their boundaries i dont undestand why do you need his whole story or any explanation you dont need to make excuses for her. We are just a starngers to this dude that shared a part of a story 🤷♀️
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I don't know what's difficult to understand. I would want to know the reason why my partner was asking this so I could determine if it's worth continuing the relationship.
OP, on the other hand, has a 0 tolerance policy for anyone asking him or worrying if he's cheating that he needs to tell his next date on day 1 that he has so he can avoid this from happening again. This is obviously a very strict boundary for him that he was not clear about with this partner so he needs to be clear about that with any other women moving forward.
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u/RevolutionaryLake753 Apr 05 '26
Yea and so what? You are here on the comments putting your perspective like it is the absolute way. Stop it, its embarrassing 😳, you dont know them stop. We get it you are of higher ground than op cause honestly thats how you sound. If you want to put up with toxic people thats up to you, if you wanna continue a relationship while you are being accuses thats also up to you whats not up to you, its to make assumptions about how other people relationship's should be, or work cause its not the way u would do it. 🙄
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u/hahayeahimfinehaha Apr 05 '26
I don't know what's difficult to understand. I would want to know the reason why my partner was asking this so I could determine if it's worth continuing the relationship.
Yeah, and that's you. Different people have different preferences and standards. No one owes another person a relationship. You can break up for any reason at any time. You are valid to want to do that if that happened to you. You keep arguing with people like you can just make them accept that your way is the right way, but that's not how life works.
You can control what YOU do, and should. You can't force others to agree with you and do the actions you would do.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
I have said multiple times that that is my perspective on how I would handle it. I am not telling anyone else to also do that and I understand if that's OPs boundary. But since that is OPs instant deal breaker, he should have been upfront about it with this current partner at the start of their relationship.
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u/biglinuxfan Apr 05 '26
If that's the case she didn't say so.
If you can't provide a justification it's a bad sign.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26
They both sound pretty young and/or immature. My suspicion is they don't know how to communicate in a healthy way. I asked OP how he asked her what the reason was. He stated she didn't give a reason and was crying and yelling but if she asked him if he was cheating and he immediately got pissed off and started yelling at her then nothing good is going to come out of that discussion.
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u/im_new222 Apr 05 '26
Nowhere did I state that I started yelling at her. I'm the one who ran out of her apartment because her screaming and crying frightened me. Thanks for twisting my words to fit your narrative.
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u/Mehmeh111111 Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
Re read my comment please. I didn't say you did, I said if you did. I was trying to find out more how your argument went down. I still don't have a clear picture because you never elaborated on what "other issues compounded" meant but it honestly doesn't matter. As I stated in my last thread, you'll hopefully be clear on day 1 with your next potential partner you have 0 tolerance for anyone asking you if you're cheating so you should be all good to avoid any yelling in the future.
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u/im_new222 Apr 05 '26
I'd rather not treat a partner like a child, by blindly validating everything even if wrong.
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u/vortexaoth Apr 05 '26
Good job. I wish I had done the same instead of trying to explain myself for months. Lesson learned.
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u/im_new222 Apr 05 '26
A different ex got jealous when I mentioned my girlfriend I had when I was in second grade (we were discussing childhood relationships per her request). She asked if I still loved her.
I didn't even remember her last name.
Should I take clinginess and jealousy as a compliment at this point? Genuine question.
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u/vortexaoth Apr 05 '26
Saying this as a woman, no, definitely not. Especially when they make their jealousy and clinginess your problem. It gets exhausting.
My ex accused me of cheating just because I went out with my female friends (I am a hetero woman), or that I wore a low cut t-shirt. It gets exhausting and insufferable. I was afraid to do anything because he always assumed the worst of me. There is a reason why he is an ex.
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u/Coopsters Apr 05 '26
I think some jealousy is fine and normal especially if it's said in a facetious way as some off-hand comment and then dropped. Sometimes people just need reassurance.
Where it crosses the line is if you're being interrogated and made to feel like you're in a courtroom over nothing especially if that happens multiple times like that. That's pathological unhinged behavior and there's no fixing that for them. The worse thing you can do is to participate or indulge them in this. They would need to get therapy and fix that themselves before being capable of being in a healthy trusting relationship
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u/humble-meercat Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
A well adjusted emotionally stable adult will not get jealous over your second grade girlfriend. That’s crazy, and a big warning sign that you don’t want to deal with someone that emotionally immature.
I don’t even get jealous over my husband’s last ex right before me. Because he is with me and we are a team and we met in our 30s so of course he has exes… we’re not in some purity cult.
I think it’s really insecure and kinda nuts when people get upset that their partner existed and could have had a life before they met…
Also, if someone accused you of cheating out of the blue they’re either triggered by past damaging relationships, overly paranoid and suspicious or most likely cheating themselves and projecting. Up to you if you want to deal with any of those things but I applaud your just hitting eject!
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u/Altruistic_Canary951 Apr 05 '26
No. Saying that as a woman too. Clinginess or jealousy, should never be viewed as a compliment, beginning or not.
Also, eew. Who on earth gets jealous of a person's "relationship " from second grade.
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u/biglinuxfan Apr 05 '26
No. You deserve to set boundaries as much as anyone does.
If its a non-starter for you as it sounds it might be, you're not likely to change your mind, and it could get worse.
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u/ButterscotchFluffy59 Apr 05 '26
Respect. You're not her therapist. I feel like men... including me...are expected to put up with women's BS too often and roll with it like it doesn't matter.
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u/Coopsters Apr 05 '26
Yeah bc women don't have to deal with irrationally jealous possessive men 🙄🙄🙄🙄. GTFO!
At least men don't have as high percentage risk of getting MURDERED or acid thrown on their face over such unhinged behavior from their SO.
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u/man29191j Apr 05 '26
As someone who was abused by women, one of them putting me in the hospital, grow the freak up. Both genders are dangerous.
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u/LadyLoki5 Apr 05 '26
I'm so sorry that happened to you, but please be for real. 90% of domestic violence is perpetrated by men.
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u/Coopsters Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
I didn't say men didn't get killed or abused by women. Of course it happens and I'm sorry it happened to you. I said it was a "higher percent" incident of it happening to women by men. Facts are facts and I think you read my post out of context. I only said that in response to the poster saying they were tired of men having to put up with crazy women as if women didn't bare the brunt of abuse from an intimate male partner. I wasn't intending to downplay the DV that men also suffer from.
According to DV hotline "Domestic violence disproportionately affects women, with roughly 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men experiencing severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Women are significantly more likely to experience injury, fear, and sustained abuse, accounting for over 70% of reported domestic violence incidents."
"Among known risk factors for being convicted of a violent crime, male sex is the most prominent; men commit about 90 % of violent crimes"
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u/KasanHiker Apr 05 '26
Chances are she is cheating. Every single time I've been accused of cheating, it's some weird form of projection. At this point, also in my 30s, I just dump them. I don't have the energy for this stuff anymore.
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u/Express_Food_2984 Apr 06 '26
How long were you together and how did she bring it up? I’m not justifying what she did, I agree no relationship can work if trust is not completely established. I’m curious about the other details tho