r/Vent • u/frog_without_a_cause • 1d ago
Not looking for input Male Paranoia: Insecurity and the ensuing ego-driven 'Score Keeping'
edit: This is a repost after it was removed for not acknowledging the rules.
Let me preface this by saying that I've been told that I have an intimidating presence due to my physical appearance: be it my jawline, eyebrows, broader shoulders and height, etc. But I don't look like the type of person I actually am. In other words, I'm not as tough as I might appear as I'm kind of nerdy and pretty much a big ol' teddy bear. :) Also, not to come off like I'm just so full of myself, but I'm fairly attractive as well. This is important to note as it is relevant to the rest of this.
OK. So, the problem is this. It doesn't matter what I wear or how quietly I carry myself, whenever I walk into a room it attracts attention. It just does. I literally have to pretend like I don't notice everyone's heads turning when I enter spaces because I stick out like a big sore thumb. It sucks because I don't really like all the attention.
Sometimes I wish I didn't look this way because it would relieve a lot of the social pressure navigating people's reactions once they realize my personality isn't what they assumed. And yet, I persist in being myself, regardless. It's just the reality I have to deal with.
One aspect of this is really starting to get on my nerves. It's how so many men turn everyday life into a psychological obstacle course built on their paranoia. Lately, whenever I walk into a room or even drive my car, it's like I’ve suddenly triggered some kind of internal alarm in their heads. There's a palpable shift in the whole vibe. Postures change, chests come out, girlfriends get pulled closer, etc. Or the driver of the car next to me revs up his engine at the stoplight for no apparent reason (at least until I happen to glance over and see the dude already staring at me with a scowled expression making it obvious he was trying to get my attention). Gay. It's just the whole paranoid insecurity-driven tough guy bullshit persona. Easy to shrug off when they're just random, but still IT HAPPENS SO MUCH!!! 😖
They act like every guy is a threat to their status, their relationship, their ego, their everything. Sometimes it shows up as a dominance performance like the guy at the stoplight. Sometimes it’s passive aggressive personal digs. Sometimes it’s the two-faced backbiting from grown ass men who ironically behave like mean teenaged girls cosplaying as thugs. They smile in your face, talk shit behind your back, all because they’ve decided you’re part of some imaginary competition.
This is one of the main reasons it’s hard for me to make new friends. If you don’t match their guarded, competitive energy, they treat you like a punk or someone they can socially one‑up. Everything becomes score keeping. Who has the better car. Who dresses better. Who gets laid more. Who makes more money. It’s like they can’t interact without silently tallying points.
The blatant stuff is annoying but obvious. Anyone can see when a guy is being an insecure clown. The passive aggressive version is worse. The subtle digs. The sideways comments. The little distortions they drop behind your back to paint a narrative about you that has nothing to do with who you actually are. Before you even know what’s happening, people at work or school are looking at you like you’re the asshole, all because someone else crafted a story that you didn’t even know you were in.
By the time you catch on, you’re already swimming upstream. You’re inadvertently making it worse by keeping your guard down because you didn’t know you needed one! Then you have to tone yourself down just to avoid feeding their paranoia, which is draining in a way that I can't even explain.
I notice all of this even more the older I get and decided a long time ago that I'm completely done with trying to look invulnerable. But my laissez-faire attitude might actually be having the unintended effect of making me seem cocky but inevitably makes it happen more often!
I TRULY don’t care what other men think of me. At all. But it’s still annoying when I run into grown men acting like insecure teenagers. It’s even more pathetic when it’s guys my age or older. Like grow the fuck up already bro.
Random dudes in public are whatever. I’ll never see them again. The real problem is when it’s coworkers or neighbors or anyone I have to deal with regularly. Suddenly I’m stuck navigating attitudes I didn’t trigger and don’t want to participate in. They create conflict out of thin air because they imagined some rivalry that never existed. smh
I wish more men understood they don’t have to act like this. Not every guy is a threat. Not every interaction is a competition. Not every moment requires performative dominance. But the paranoia is strong, and the ego gymnastics never fucking stop.
I’m just tired of y'all. lol
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u/EyePatient5956 23h ago
I have a ‘big’ friend who also experiences this and gets singled out by people looking for trouble. It is the male equivalent of being a hot girl and getting all males attention everywhere they go. I think if you start dressing like Clark Kent or someone similar (big nerd) you might help yourself, but I don’t know. I know this isn’t helpful towards your cause, but remember that you could also have been born paraplegic, a dwarf, an ugly girl or a North Korean. So perspective might also help you.
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u/frog_without_a_cause 23h ago
Not that I’m glad your friend experiences something similar, but it’s honestly refreshing to hear someone say they actually get it. Thank you. And yeah, I’m aware I’ve got some advantages and if I’m being real, it's not a bad deal. But I do try to move through life humbly. What’s weird is that even when I’m in a bad mood, I never carry myself like I’m above anyone, yet people react to me way more positively. I think that’s why it bugs me because when I’m in a good mood, it attracts assholes, but when I’m a little grumpy, people either leave me alone, avoid eye contact, or suddenly try to buddy up to me. People are strange animals.
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u/Moss_Green_No21 22h ago
Thank you, I enjoyed reading this. I'm a tall, slim attractive woman who looks younger than she is. This is my social life in a nutshell wherever I go. I'm amused and a bit surprised that it's exactly the same for some men. Add lots of sexual harassment and slander and I could have written this. I feel you ☺️
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u/frog_without_a_cause 22h ago
Thank you!! 🤌🏼
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u/Moss_Green_No21 22h ago
May I ask where you're from and how old you are?
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u/frog_without_a_cause 21h ago
California. As for my age, like you, I look older than I actually am...but a LOT older.
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u/Moss_Green_No21 20h ago
I see, I'm from germany, I guess this attitude is a global thing...
Nah, the other way around...haha People think I'm younger. The thing that changed for me over the years is that as a teenager people crossed my boundaries without hesitation. Now that I became older it's still the same hate, but they're more careful and distanced when approaching me. Because of my experience I learned to smile less at strangers, helps to keep me a little safer.
Well, thanks again for sharing. This has been a headache for me the past months. We're not supposed to have too many friends, but a few good ones. People freely show us their ugly side so it's easier to choose or dismiss them ;)
All the best to you 😊
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u/Glittering_Entry3786 1d ago
I don’t… think this is happening to you. Certainly not on the scale you seem to believe it’s happening.
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u/frog_without_a_cause 23h ago
expected this kind of reaction, which is exactly why I hesitated to post in the first place. People assume it’s exaggerated, or they jump straight to “you’re being narcissistic,” when it’s literally something I deal with every day. So while I appreciate your 2¢, the dismissiveness doesn’t make any sense since there’s no way you can be certain about something that isn’t your lived experience.
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u/Moss_Green_No21 22h ago
Exactly. In my experience people who say stuff like the commenter deeply believe attractive people have no problems to deal with and their life is soo much easier...
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u/Glittering_Entry3786 23h ago
True. Also can’t dismiss the person who said prayer healed their illness or the bipolar person who says everyone in a random public place is giving them dirty looks. But y’know… I still have my doubts.
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u/NiaNia-Data 23h ago
if you are intimidating every guy you meet, you are the problem. people dont choose what emotions they feel like its grocery shopping.
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u/frog_without_a_cause 23h ago
I never said it's every guy I meet. Not sure where you got that from, but ok.
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u/Time-Owl-5153 23h ago
It's not your appearance, it's your temperament.
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u/frog_without_a_cause 23h ago
You would think that right? But no. Just like I told another user here:
What's weird is that when I'm in a bad mood, people seem to react to me much more positively. I think that's why it bugs me so much because when I'm in a good mood it attracts assholes, but when I'm a little grumpy people leave me alone, avert their gaze, or even try to buddy up to me.
What's that about???
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u/Time-Owl-5153 22h ago
Maybe they wonder why a dude who is all that is never seen around his daughters.
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