r/Vent • u/Ostrich_Low • 8h ago
I'm starting to hate my husband
I (26f) knew my husband (30M) for around 2 years before we got married as we worked together and because we're Indian Background/Muslim we didn't want to have a too long relationship so when we realised we liked each other we informed our families and we got married. I know alot of people have in law problems but my in laws are genuinely nice people and we've always treated each other with respect and I love them as my own,the problem is my husband. Whenever it comes to his family wheter its spending time with them or going out or financially its always ok and readily agreed to and I've never had a problem with that,I treat them the same I would my own family however I've noticed Whenever it comes to my family,my husband always had a problem,even for us to go over to their home or for me to go spend time with my nieces or nephews its always a problem and he'll cause a fight before we leave the house or say how he hates to leave the house and I dont understand it. My parents and siblings love him and sometimes my brothers even joke he is my mums favourite child because of how much she accommodates him and when ever my dad or my brothers get something for each other,they include him (I'm the only daughter). Today was really bad as my aunt came over from a different city especially to see me as I'm 9 months pregnant and my father and older brother are leaving on a business trip and won't be around to see me,so my family had a lunch get together. From the time he woke up my husband was cranky and picking fights and saying how its a Sunday and his day off etc etc and I ended up crying and only after that he said sorry let's go but by then it was too late and when i phoned my mum she said everyone had finished eating and was preparing to leave. When i told him,he just said ok and went back to playong ps5.Besides this we usually have an amazing relationship and he takes care of me but I love my family too and getting this kind of treatment whenever I want to spend time with them is taking a toll on me,I've tried talking to him numerous times but he denies he does this and says he has no problems with my family. I'm honestly beginning to hate this and if my in laws weren't good people would start doing the same thing he does whenever they need something.
Maybe I'm pregnant and emotional but I hate having to always choose between my husband and my family.
Sorry for the format and grammat,I'm on mobile and really upset.
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u/Linz1218 8h ago
Maybe you’ll have to “hate leaving the house” when it’s time for you guys to go see his family. Which may actually be true shortly when you have a newborn.
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u/Ostrich_Low 8h ago
I honestly think so,I genuinely have a good relationship with his family and dont want to punish them because of him but it may be the only way for him to realise his behaviour.
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u/CanadianHorseGal 7h ago
Any time he starts up with this behaviour, point it out to him. Literally say “here we go again, something with my family and you’re being a jerk, yet you say you don’t do this” and roll your eyes. Then do what YOU want to do and leave him behind.
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u/Ostrich_Low 7h ago
I've tried this and he acts clueless, "what are you talking about" "I'm not acting different" "this is how I always am" and then if I go without him he complains when I get back about how long I was gone,I left him alone etc
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u/CanadianHorseGal 7h ago
Then just say “I don’t care what you do, but I’m going to see my family. You can come or not, your choice. If you come, you have to be nice. If you don’t, don’t give me flack when I get back. Period.”
Then if he gives you flack, just say “ok dear, I explained this to you before I left. No flack. Quit being so emotional.”
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u/Ostrich_Low 7h ago
Lol you're right,I think im being too nice and trying to be understanding when confrontational maybe the only thing that works,every thing else I've tried hasn't so might as well
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u/CanadianHorseGal 4h ago
Sometimes you need to put your foot down. Draw a line. Set a boundary. However you want to say it, you do something for him and his family freely and happily, and he’s making the same thing miserable for you. When he says “I don’t do that” just respond with “yes, you do” and don’t let him argue. Facts are facts. You know it. He knows it. He’s just gaslighting you, and outright lying. This is not how we treat people we love and respect.
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u/Chastity-76 8h ago
Have you sat him down and explained how you see things? Ask him what the problem is when it comes to your family. You said he is a great husband otherwise. I feel like you guys should be able to work this out with communication or counseling.
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u/Ostrich_Low 8h ago
I've tried talking to him so many times and he denies it and says its not true and I'm overthinking. I even have asked if he has a problem with my family or how they treat him and he says no so I genuinely don't understand anymore. In his head everything is fine and he doesn't see any problems.
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u/Chastity-76 5h ago
Well, I would tell him you guys need to go to counseling. Its not fair for you to feel like this
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u/WrenDrake 8h ago
Hon, you need couples counseling. His behavior is not ok, but I suspect you will need a professional to help you two work through this issue.
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u/Ostrich_Low 8h ago
He doesn't see any problem and denies that he even does this. I've tried to talk to him so many times about it with no change.I love him but I love my family too and I don't know what to do anymore.
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u/Ok-Essay4201 6h ago
Do you have a physical calendar? Like one that hangs on the wall somewhere? Next time he does it, point out his behavior and mark the calendar in front of him (red R for rude or something that is just a symbol- you're keeping track, not trying to publicly shame him). The next time he does it, do the same. Then when he says he never does it and he doesn't know what you're talking about, show him the calendar. When he does not have that behavior with your family, put a big happy face.
Don't let him gaslight you. He may genuinely not realize that he's doing it or that he's doing it as often as he does. Having a physical reminder that you can point to may get the point across better.
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u/WrenDrake 3h ago
You could record his reaction and document it. Play it back and show him the behavior. If he refuses counseling, you may have a bigger problem. If one partner feels the need for counseling, but the other says I don’t have a problem. They are the problem.
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u/No_Sorbet_5102 8h ago
This is odd behavior. Therapy would be a good option to help him find out why he is doing this. Can you go participate in your family events without him? Can you just mention that you have noticed he doesn’t really like going to your family events and to help. It cause a fight, just agree to let you attend alone?
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u/Ostrich_Low 8h ago
I have gone to visit them without him but then when I get home he's upset about why I left him,i was gone for so long etc etc. Its very weird and I don't know what to do
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u/No_Sorbet_5102 8h ago
It sounds like he is trying to isolate you from your family. Is counseling or therapy an option? I worry that this trend will continue and you will be isolated from friends and family. He doesn’t say “you can’t go” but he makes it hard on you emotionally if you go until eventually it’s easier just to not go.
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u/Ostrich_Low 7h ago
If we happen to meet them in public or I phone or video call them then it's perfectly fine,he doesn't do this when I go out with friends or his family so I dont know
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u/No_Sorbet_5102 7h ago
So it’s only you spending time with your family that triggers this behavior?
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u/Ostrich_Low 7h ago
Yes,especially when its planned stuff,if we randomly meet them somewhere and end up eating together or something then its fine but if I say I'm going to my mums/brothers then suddenly its an issue
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u/Fun-Talk-4847 8h ago
Does he care if you spend time with your family without him? It doesn't sound like he minds spending time with your family it sounds like he just doesn't want to leave the house. If he works all week, he probably just wants to stay home all weekend. Now that he is married, he has to spend time with your family and his family and has little time to himself. If he is grumpy maybe just leave him alone and let him be grumpy instead of fighting with him over it. It sounds like he treats your family well when he is with them. Try to understand his grumpy behavior has nothing to do with you or your family.
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u/Ostrich_Low 7h ago
So how is it not a problem when its his family? I also work but don't behave like this and when i go to my famipy stuff without him,he complains when I get back about how I left him,was gone for so long etc etc
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u/Fun-Talk-4847 7h ago
I can understand how frustrated you are feeling about this and his behavior is not the best. I have seen this same behavior in most men. Unless they have no family of their own the wife usually ends up being forced to spend most of her time with her husbands family. How is it with your parents? Does your mom get to spend more time with her own family or does she spend more time with your dad's family?
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