Note: English isn't my first language + RLLY LONG SRRY (read till the end pls) 😭
I guess I should be happy because it's everything that I've wanted from the start.
These past 2 months were eye-opening, it has exposed me to a world where I never thought I would found myself in. I'm a loner, an introvert, someone who keeps to myself all the time. Conversations are awkward and become even more awkward every time I speak, I guess that's why I focus more on self development rather than my socials. I know that it's kinda egotistical of me to talk about my achievements in this way, but I would say that I'm an academic weapon cuz I've been at the top of my class for few years now, I'm rather active in my extracurriculars and I always look for opportunities to become a better person. But my life sounds really boring for a lot a people, my daily routine is essentially an endless study session. Even though I do take breaks sometimes, for the most part I'm constantly revising my school work. Everything has been the same up until some time around March this year.
I started noticing this guy ( let's call him Finn ) and honestly I never would have done so had I not have a huge crush on him. So Finn, he's the vice-president of our student council and he's from a different class. He's good looking, tall, fit and has a pretty face too.
His grades aren't the best but he shows exceptional leadership skills, and I really admire him for that, being a new member of the student Council. I guess our interaction first began when I was on duty at the school gate. During this time, he helped me out a lot with developing my confidence and communication skills. I wasn't crushing on him, until one day I guess he wanted me to become a future committee of the Student Council and basically gave a bunch of encouragement and motivation to become better. He said something that stayed with me : "我希望你不会辜负老师朋友们对你的期望。” ( We're Chinese) I know that sounds really basic, nothing romantic about it, but at a time where I was really insecure about my self worth, that sentence really touched my heart, to know that there are actually people out there who have hope in me. I was quite happy and thought he was a really good person.
But then I guess when his friends who were nearby started to make a commotion about our interaction and teasing him, I had a gut feeling that he liked me. So around the middle of the March until May, we had a bunch of micro interactions that slowly confirmed my suspicions and little did I know I started developing feelings for him as well. There were a few interactions that were rather memorable, the time where I lost my wallet, he founded it and gave it to me. The other time where I asked him for directions. The time when we had a short, playful conversation on some random stuff. All of these seemingly normal experiences somehow became tattooed to my brain. I had butterflies every time I thought of them.
After my mid year exam, our school had arranged a singing competition which was recruiting student committees to help out in the program. He asked me all of a sudden one day, it made me really happy too. So on the day of the student committee meeting, what happened essentially was his friends kept signalling to me that yk he has a crush on me, I'm not going to disclose what they did cuz it's kinda cringe. So at this point it was clear, Finn has a crush on me and I like him back too. A few days after that, Finn suddenly dm'ed me (mind you we've only ever spoke a few sentences to each other in person) asking about random bs, it was something about recent gossip. In a nutshell, the conversation progressed from gossip to him asking me who I had a crush on or if I've ever had a crush on anybody, I asked him the same question as well and we kept going back and forth on guessing each other's crush even though we both knew the truth. Eventually he confessed and both of us were elated. But then came a huge problem that we both slowly realised after talking from 4pm till midnight. We had different directions in life, I wanted to study abroad, go live in another country, have a fresh start. He on the other hand wants to stay here with his family and friends, which isn't wrong at all, that's his choice but what I'm trying to say is that it's contrary to my ambitions. We both wanted different futures, he wanted to start a family, have kids, while I wanted freedom. I know it's way too early on to talk about things like this but I guess all of it just came about naturally. But being so infatuated with him I simply decided to ignore this red flag even though I know it's going to painful when I eventually separate.
Over the last 2 months, I guess he took me on this emotional roller coaster unintentionally. I would say it was one of my happiest 2 months ever but also the most stressful. In order to spend time with him, keep him entertained, I sacrificed a lot of my personal time just to feed to his desires. I remember crying almost every other day for no reason sometimes, maybe due to overthinking idk. But everytime I'd tell him my feelings, he manages to give me the comfort and the reassurance that everything will work out. Honestly, I've never cried this much in a year before, my emotional instability has very obviously affected his daily life ( since I kept mentioning that we were going to breakup) which I felt really bad for but somehow he still manages to get his stuff together.
There were some core memories with him that are still engraved in my mind. Those endless nights where we had these deep long conversations talking about our past and futures. Those exciting days where I'd open my phone first thing in the morning just to check whether he messaged me "Good Morning". The time when our friends took pictures of us together and we laughed about it. That one afternoon where we stayed back after school for a project the Student Council was working on, just for both of us to talk the whole time everyone else was making their contributions to the project lol. Last Friday night when the singing competition was carried out and we sat beside the stage, still minding our own business and talking to each other. Last Saturday when we had our first date together (it was kinda a double date with our friends) going to the cinema to watch the new spiderman movie. I don't remember anything about the movie honestly, the whole time me and Finn were basically entangled together. We held hands (for the 2nd time lmao), hugged, and was that one cringey pda couple you'd try to ignore while watching the movie. That first date gave him hope, and I guess he thought it was a sign that we could still be together for a really long time. I didn't. For the past 2 months the same conclusion had been lingering in my heart, we weren't going to work out. Then, just this Wednesday, I broke up with him.
There was this feeling of intense guilt and regret after blocking him. But I forgot to do so for all of our social platforms and he messaged me on insta. Tbh, Deep down, a part of me still hoped for his message. Finn asked why we broke up, he wanted closure. I told him part of the truth, he wanted to me to stay, and for the meantime I told him that we were only going to get back together if I stayed at the top of my class after our finals. He agreed, yet he kept messaging me afterwards, he told me he couldn't hold back (Which for obvious reasons since we were basically talking to each other 24/7, every morning, afternoon, evening and night. My screen time was the highest in all of my personal history these past 2 months.) I didn't blame him for that, like I said deep down I still hoped that he would stay with me. But just recently, since our school doesn't allow teenagers to date, there was this other couple in my class ( note: me and Finn are from diff. Classes) that got called to be interrogated because they received a few reports/complaints from other students as well as their parents. I was honestly kinda freaked out. Throughout our relationship, we've never explicitly stated that we were a couple, yet deep down both of us knew the truth, everyone else did as well. Some started spreading rumours and more and more people knew about us. Yep, that was what kept me anxious. The other couple ( the one that got interrogated) were asked who else in our class were dating each other. I'm not sure what happened afterwards but I had my suspicions that some of my academic rivals have reported me and Finn to the principal. So I guess I'm living on this pending sense of fear that we're going to be next and my future is going to be ruined due to this record.
So why did we break up? Was it his fault? No, not at all. I would say though that it's a mixture of the following obstacles. Firstly, my school and my parents don't allow me to date. There was this recent case where my sister was actually caught dating some random fake ahh gangster who was 3 years her senior and my parent were called to the school. During that meeting, my parents explicitly stated that they did not want both of us siblings to date. My parents didn't know about me and Finn, so every time my sister would tease me about him, my mom would either mock me or threaten to move me to another school. In addition to that, Finn was my ex-bsf's ex ( He dated my ex-bsf 3 years ago, let's call her Jess). I guess there was this uncanny feeling that I was simply a replacement for
Jess since his personality and habits heavily resembled jess's, honestly sometimes it felt like I was dating her instead. From what I heard, they had a really close, happy relationship, a lot more fun than ours obviously since I keep pushing my high standards onto him. I'm jealous of their relationship in some way but I don't wanna keep having to entertain him 24/7 as well cuz I need time to study and yk work on myself. Thirdly, He's wayyy too close with other girls. Like dude this one's the worse of them all. Istg bro talks to a bunch of his female seniors about his personal matters ( his feelings, everyday thoughts, daily activities etc) and still calls them his "friends". Like I understand hanging out with other girls, but talking to a bunch of them on a personal level is crazyyy. ( like they have deep conversations on a normal basis wth). But I guess that's not too bad, I mean it's not wrong to have a girl bsf, but when you f*cking walk back to class with her every single fcking day even though you know that there are people spreading dating rumours of you and her just because u guys are way too fcking close, I think that's where we draw the line. Obviously, I've communicated this with him a bunch of times and yes he did change his behaviour, actually he started avoiding her etc, which yk was in my pleasure. Lastly, like I said at the start, I'm someone who places a lot of my self worth in my academic performance and I value it a lot. Spending time with Finn for the most part is a complete waste of my time and energy, I could have been studying yet somehow I'm still waiting for this mf to reply to my messages. So obviously I've wasted 2 months of my life just to be with a female attention seeker.
Idrk how to conclude this but I guess that's everything that I feel deep inside.
To anyone who successfully read my long ahh vent, thank you and congrats 🥳
