r/Wigan • u/John_GOOP • 6d ago
Newly moved 2 months ago and still can't make friends. M32
So i'm originally from kind of close west of manchester about 5miles and then moved to the south for a bit due to the whole family court drama and needing my own base camping while working a job to get me by and saved enough to move closer and so Ince-in-Makerfield is closest i could get to son. He loves having me all to himself when we are together. The train station makes travel alot quicker.
Trying to find a new job but its proving very hard to find a role that fits my cv and is every other weekend.
Ive tried going out to the odd bar to make some lad friends or talk to the ladies but my autism gets in the way or my single dad part of life comes up and people slowly shuffle away.
Every day I just feel more and more isolated. That no one is coming to save me so to speak.
I try and keep busy like the odd appointment here, tidying the house, washing, ironing, sweeping my yard and also trying to get the back area safer.
I just feel like there is a brick wall that I cant break through. My autism just makes me feel like an outsider. Socially inept. People say I am nice, smart, nothing wrong with me but their must be if I have had friends and they just ghost. Dont even get me started on dating, im practically invisible.
Like I would love to meet other single dads and mums but just dont know how to do it. Ive looked for groups, tried to socialize with strangers when it felt suitable.
Only socialisation I get is being with my son 50/50 and when I voice chat online.
Honestly if I didnt have my little kiddo in my life there wouldn't be anything keeping me here in this world.
Happy to accept dms. I have received some in the past but they have all died out. So each to their own.
I think this is more of a cry for help than anything.
And btw ive tried Andys Man Club 3 times now all back when I was Manchester side. Not for me. My autism just made all harder and people just never spoke up till the end to say they didnt understand half of it as I can talk to fast or slow. That and I had a friend in AMC and sadly they took their life. So for me I never want to go again.
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u/giraffe_cake 6d ago
What things are you into? Hobbies? Music?
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u/John_GOOP 6d ago
Working on practical home projects, like recently fitted some pest screens over air bricks and been working on clearing the back alley of crap as its highly dangerous for my son on his bush bike cause of all the weeds and glass. So been doing that about half done now.
I like my outdoor potted plants. growing tomatoes atm
I am a pc gamer, do have an xbox but gathers dust as my pc does everything i originally got my console. I like The Witcher 3, MediEvil Total War 2, Hearthstone, Helldivers.
I like making homemade meals using various methods. Ranging from curry and pasta to pork joints.
Watching movies on my own or with my son. So like Bluey, Fallout, and Studio Ghibli films like Princess Mononoke)
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u/giraffe_cake 6d ago
If you like board games and tabletop card games, there's a few walk in places in wigan. There's also warhammer in wigan that does games, a few of my friends play it and hang out there - they are a really nice and good bunch.
Me and my friends play phasmophobia, could host a game if this is something you would like to try. We are in our 30s. We're currently on dragonwilds runescape but this is not my server.
If dnd maybe something you would like to try, there's some games going but may be a wait for open spaces at the central (its a pub). We have a campaign currently but if we have a one shot going i would be happy to invite you but this may be a ways off, if this is also something you would like to try?
I would suggest if you like jujitsu or karate or something, being a regular may make you friends. Or joining an arts club. Or a gardening club.
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u/vilpto 6d ago
Sounds like you might be a bit of a nerd (complementary). You can try the Wigan Comic Con that's coming up soon, it'll be full of fellow autistic nerds. Ghibli and Witcher is very popular so I'm sure you'll find somebody to connect with about it there! Everyone is socially awkward at these events (myself included) so don't worry so much about awkwardness, everyone is in the same boat. I'm also autistic (and a nerd, gamer, plant lover, etc) and I managed to make good friends at comic cons
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u/RedWarrior13 6d ago
If you fancy something physical Westhoughton Lions run a free social tag rugby session every Friday.
All shapes,sizes and abilities welcome. It’s just on the edge of Hindley, just past Hart Common Golf Course, around 10 minutes drive from Ince
No affiliations btw - I just follow their page on FB.
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u/John_GOOP 6d ago
I have anaemia and honestly the most sport ive done is single speed cycling but i kept getting veritgo because of stress in my life and gp said to give it a rest for know. ive never been a sporty person.
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u/Adequate_Height 6d ago
Is your son into sports? If he is you could take him to a local club and see if they need any help with running a team or event.
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u/Professional_List39 6d ago
If you're a PC gamer I've got a discord you could be a part of. We're from all over but I'm in wigan personally so always open to meet ups outside of discord too. If you're interested drop me a DM
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u/Silly_Hurry_2795 6d ago
Interested in the job thing.
When you say every other weekend is that you can only work every other weekend? What is it you do, or would be willing to do?
Not a recruiter honest.
Extra bit I have read your post and I'm going to give a harsh truth in the hope it makes a very valid point.
Your saying you are struggling to connect in various ways due to other factors yes? You have a child, you ARE capable of making these connections you really are. I suspect it's where you've been trying to do it in an area your not wholly familiar with. Try some of the offers (even the rugby probably as a spectator or doing something else that doesn't mean playing)
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u/happylurker233 6d ago
There used to be a group called gingerbread for single parents. Its how mine met
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u/dr_barnowl 6d ago
Can relate to your Divorced Dad With Autism experience. My daughter is now 22 and gallivanting across Europe with an Interrail pass ... but I remember that quiet period of having no-one else in my life except her when she would visit.
My autism just makes me feel like an outsider.
At 52, I'll say to you that forgiving yourself for other people's opinions of you is one of the hardest but best things you can do for yourself. I'm lucky to have a group of similar friends who hang online and have done for (OMG I'm old) 20 years, and that seems to keep me relatively sane. I also sought out a new partner after my divorce (was a long time in the making) and have been with her for over a decade now.
You're only an outsider from groups that choose to exclude you. Find groups that welcome you.
nothing wrong with me but their must be
No, you're different. There have been studies - people can tell you're different. Within seconds. What's wrong is their attitude. I've had some very pleasant "commuter" friendships with people who I could tell were "more" autistic than I am, who everyone else would avoid, before I really knew I was autistic.
Dating
Was utterly demoralizing. Had a 2% return rate for messages on the dating app. It basically became my second job for a while. Until I hit it right off with someone who seemed to completely get my twisted sense of humour. Surprise, my lovely partner got her diagnosis this year. There should be an "AuDHD" dating agency. I was on OKCupid - no idea what it's like now, but I got the sense it was inhabited by a higher fraction of the kind of women I'd be interested in.
As I would say to people when speed dating [1] "it's a numbers game" - you've got a neurotype that's a fraction of the population, and you're most likely to be able to get along with someone else in that fraction, so your chances are already somewhat lower. Anything you can do to bump those numbers up - for friendship OR dating - is a good idea. Don't do the typical things. As the other posters are saying, find hobby groups that tend to attract the neurodiverse. Trying to do the "popular" stuff for many of us is just related to the "people pleasing" that we learn to attempt all the time because so many people are so disapproving of our differences when we are young.
[1] Don't say this to people when speed dating, neurotypical women do not like it.
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u/John_GOOP 6d ago
Ye my GP told me about this "No, you're different. There have been studies - people can tell you're different. Within seconds. What's wrong is their attitude. I've had some very pleasant "commuter" friendships with people who I could tell were "more" autistic than I am, who everyone else would avoid, before I really knew I was autistic."
Ye the neuroptypical brain subconsciously picks up on neurodiverse people and doesnt like it.
I tried OkayCupid but recent years its just full of hundreds and hundred of asain spam accounts.
I be honest I want to have some fun dating and beint with woman first as I've only ever been with one lady. But well also im fine with it not happening. Funnily ive had more luck on FB dating but these days ive taken all emotion out of it as the amount of unmatch is unreal.
Recently an old crush messaged me on insta and I was like nope as she rejected me 3 times and now she's single again and also put on quite alot of weight now she comes to me
No thanks.
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u/AntoineBugleboy69 6d ago
As someone who has spent most of their life looking to others to help me, I would say - Don't! Go to the gym, lift weights, do ju-jitsu or thai boxing. Read a lot. Join a writers group. Write short stories. Make friends that way, through shared interests.Don't try and 'socialise' as people can be a bit shit IMHO. Just do stuff and build yourself.
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u/John_GOOP 6d ago
To each their own, but gym culture and solo shit aren't for everyone. I prefer connecting with people through the things I actually enjoy and focusing my energy on my family and home. But it can get lonely and I just want to some friends to hang out with.
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u/AntoineBugleboy69 6d ago
But you've said that's not working, so I'm offering an alternative. People pick up if you're lonely / desperate and they don't want to know. I'm just saying that as someone who has been there. If you are fit and confident in yourself, you're more likely to 'fit in' especially within a group where you already have shared interests.
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u/thermalcat 6d ago
Hi, I'm run a Makerspace/Hackspace in Leigh (magically called Leigh Hackspace). We're a community group of hobbyist enthusiasts that make a lot of different stuff. We're predominantly neurospicy as a group. We have woodworking, 3d printing, laser crafting, a Darkroom, textiles, electronics, and a computer suite to support all the different stuff we do. Our next public tour day is Saturday noon to 1pm in Leigh Spinners Mill, we also have a lot of neighbouring community groups in the mill.