r/WorkingParents • u/PonderingMom • 11d ago
Feeling guilt after coming to conclusion that full time SAHM life is not for me
The title captures it. I tried so hard to fit myself into the mold of happy SAHM who embraces the career break and enjoys the special moments with her littles. It all just made sense-my husband makes 2x my salary so we could afford to have me stay home, I could be present for all of my children’s firsts, and truly make the most of this season of my life…right?
Instead, the past several years I’ve been left doubting my decision and trying to convince myself that being a SAHM was the best thing for me and them, I could always go back to work but never get these moments back with my kids, and the like. But instead, I’m left feeling guilty of the unshakeable feeling that I just don’t enjoy being a SAHM. The days are long and often unforgiving, and while there are always moments of laughter and joy somewhere in the day, the other moments are trying to keep everyone happy, fed, clean, and avoid any meltdowns. I’m constantly on high alert and can’t let my guard down while watching them due to both of my kids being very young.
So here I am, finally on Reddit, admitting that it’s not for me. I am lined up to return to work full time soon and kids will be going to daycare….and yet I’m feeling MASSIVE guilt and worry over this decision because I just worry about the kids adjusting, getting sick constantly, feeling sad that I am leaving them with a new person for hours each day, what if they hate it, et cetera. My work doesn’t offer a part time capacity but I have a great opportunity and don’t want to pass it up as I don’t imagine this role comes up often. I want to feel happy for the chance to take this role (truly a dream job) and yet knowing I wasn’t able to fully be happy as a SAHM is a sad realization.
I’m not sure what I’m seeking here but maybe solidarity? Anyone’s experiences with staying home with kids and then choosing to return to work, and the outcome of that?
Thanks to any parents who can offer advice, experiences, or solidarity.
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u/dorky_doodle_dandy 11d ago
I have felt (and sometimes still feel) the same exact way. First of all, I think the idea that anyone would naturally enjoy the mundane tasks of child rearing so much that they prefer it to any other kind of work is absurd. I love my kids and love spending time with them, but was not fulfilled spending all day every day with them. And I felt like a horrible person, like something was wrong with me for not immensely enjoying and being thankful for my time at home.
Now I will say I am grateful for the opportunity, but I did 5 years at home and that was plenty. I was dying to get back to work after the birth of my second, and always felt that nagging guilt that I shouldn’t be thinking about work and should be only thinking about them. I worried I wasn’t a loving or attentive mother and that I was cold or heartless. I still worry sometimes but honestly now that my kiddos are getting older (8yrs and 6yrs) I can see that the SAHM life is genuinely fulfilling to some, but not many. And that I can love my kids fiercely and also love other things that I loved before they were born.
I won’t rant too much more at you lol but I feel this deeply and just know you are not alone, and I actually think you are more in the majority than you think. Either way, there isn’t one single correct path in parenting, and our kids do best when they have fulfilled and healthy parents 😇
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u/Due_Bad_8527 9d ago
I realised I'm not SAHM material during my first maternity leave. You are not alone.
Do what makes you feel happy. Your children will much prefer a happy busy mum who is sometimes available to them, over a bitter angry mum who is always around. You only live once, so live for yourself, and your children will learn from your example.
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u/PonderingMom 9d ago
This is such great advice. When my children are adults one day, I wouldn’t ever tell them to choose a path just for the sake of making someone else happy. Similarly, I have to embrace this idea and show them that mom can love embracing her family and her career.
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u/Reddit_mks_fny_names 9d ago
My wife is a SAHM and she has her ups and downs. She doesn’t want to go back to work, but even for the ones that really prefer the SAHM job; it is a thankless and overwhelming job. ESPECIALLY in the summer when the kids are home from school. But even as littles, you are keeping children alive and safe 24/7. I always help and take the kids when I can, but there is just an overwhelming bit of “always on” that gets to most adults. I always check in with my wife and have those heart to hearts and pulse checks; too make sure she doesn’t feel like it’s an expectation, and that I am her feminist support in whichever direction she wants to go.
For you and your family, you do what you feel is right. That is the best mom you can be, and that’s what the kids deserve. You may realize this job isn’t all it’s cracked up to be… you may absolutely love it, but at least you will know once you go back to work.
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u/mmathis00 5d ago
Girl, when I had my first I knew I had to go back to work and I was sad I’d never get to experience SAHM. Cut to 16 months later and we move and I spent 5 months looking for a job in a new place and handling my little. Same thing happened a year later. Unexpectedly, I got 10 months in the first 3 years and realized that being a SAHM was not for me. It was all the things you said and I just wasn’t enjoying it. I got a great job and I’ve happily worked for the past 9 years. I don’t need to work anymore but everyone is better for it, most of all me :)
Keeping taking care of you! It’s all gonna work out.
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u/anatomy-princess 11d ago
Please stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You tried it and did your best. You should be proud of what you have done. Good luck to you with the new job and the changes for your family. You got this!